The Conclusion of a Month's Worth of Practices
Yesterday was the last tryout practice.
Let it be known:
I didn't make it into the taiko club. *sigh* I don't know what I was thinking, believing that I really had a chance. I might have been a bit self-deprecating at times, but I really thought I would make it. I didn't realize how few people they were accepting. What was it.. something like 6? Maybe I wouldn't have been so hopeful had I known the number was going to be something like 6. God damn. There were 6 groups of what.. 5? So out of 30 people trying out, 6 made it. So.. so sad..
While at the practice yesterday, someone told me a story about their friend who tried out last year. At the time it was funny.. but I don't know now.. I know I won't do it, but I don't blame the guy for having done it. Although I think the new members from last year said they didn't really have to try out because there were so few people who tried out, this guy just didn't make it. Apparently he was very depressed about this... took his bachi (the drumsticks) and put them on his wall... with a big "FAILURE" sign on it. Oh God... That didn't seem so funny after I got the rejection call.
There's always next year. Didn't I just say that recently about something else? I say this, but a year is a long time for something like this. I'll have to wait a year to try out all over again. And.. what if I don't make it.. for the second year in a row?! Try out the next year? My last year? I don't know if I have the heart to do it again, facing the inevitable rejection.
Though, they said this: "This year it was a really tough decision... There were so many people trying out blah blah blah." So that is to say, "You were good, but it sucks 'cause a lot of the other people trying out were good, too." I have this tendency to think, "oh they're just saying that.." But in the end, it also means, 'you might have been good, but it wasn't good enough to make it.' *sigh* So I was picking myself apart last night. What was it? I wasn't "something-something" enough, or I was too "something-something" else. Went through lists and lists in my head... Random "AUGH"s here and there. Bargaining, crying, denying, getting angry with myself.
It makes me wonder why there was a social beforehand? To have everyone get to know each other before saying, "Well, some of you are getting cut so you won't see them because of taiko anymore." Perhaps it served the purpose of loosening us up so we weren't crazy nervous for the final tryout? But it's too cruel...
Obviously I'm very bitter and sad about this, so anything I say is probably coming from that. No begrudging.. *sigh*
[Edit: I guess I should also mention that Miki made the team! I feel happy for her and know I should be, but it's hard to actualize this feeling knowing how I ended up in the whole thing. I don't know.. ]
In the haze over my mind from this event and the lack of sleep, last night, I couldn't write my history paper. It was just not getting done. I chose two documents, only to find out how lengthy it was going to be just to read and analyze them first, not including the time to actually write this 5 page paper. So I made the decision to drop the class. Maybe I just can't handle 4 classes [weak!]. But hopefully it won't set me back. I rearranged my 4 year plan, so it still works. That was the only sort of relief I felt from this. At least I get to sleep in a lot more on Tuesday and Thursday. Haha.
Let it be known:
I didn't make it into the taiko club. *sigh* I don't know what I was thinking, believing that I really had a chance. I might have been a bit self-deprecating at times, but I really thought I would make it. I didn't realize how few people they were accepting. What was it.. something like 6? Maybe I wouldn't have been so hopeful had I known the number was going to be something like 6. God damn. There were 6 groups of what.. 5? So out of 30 people trying out, 6 made it. So.. so sad..
While at the practice yesterday, someone told me a story about their friend who tried out last year. At the time it was funny.. but I don't know now.. I know I won't do it, but I don't blame the guy for having done it. Although I think the new members from last year said they didn't really have to try out because there were so few people who tried out, this guy just didn't make it. Apparently he was very depressed about this... took his bachi (the drumsticks) and put them on his wall... with a big "FAILURE" sign on it. Oh God... That didn't seem so funny after I got the rejection call.
There's always next year. Didn't I just say that recently about something else? I say this, but a year is a long time for something like this. I'll have to wait a year to try out all over again. And.. what if I don't make it.. for the second year in a row?! Try out the next year? My last year? I don't know if I have the heart to do it again, facing the inevitable rejection.
Though, they said this: "This year it was a really tough decision... There were so many people trying out blah blah blah." So that is to say, "You were good, but it sucks 'cause a lot of the other people trying out were good, too." I have this tendency to think, "oh they're just saying that.." But in the end, it also means, 'you might have been good, but it wasn't good enough to make it.' *sigh* So I was picking myself apart last night. What was it? I wasn't "something-something" enough, or I was too "something-something" else. Went through lists and lists in my head... Random "AUGH"s here and there. Bargaining, crying, denying, getting angry with myself.
It makes me wonder why there was a social beforehand? To have everyone get to know each other before saying, "Well, some of you are getting cut so you won't see them because of taiko anymore." Perhaps it served the purpose of loosening us up so we weren't crazy nervous for the final tryout? But it's too cruel...
Obviously I'm very bitter and sad about this, so anything I say is probably coming from that. No begrudging.. *sigh*
[Edit: I guess I should also mention that Miki made the team! I feel happy for her and know I should be, but it's hard to actualize this feeling knowing how I ended up in the whole thing. I don't know.. ]
In the haze over my mind from this event and the lack of sleep, last night, I couldn't write my history paper. It was just not getting done. I chose two documents, only to find out how lengthy it was going to be just to read and analyze them first, not including the time to actually write this 5 page paper. So I made the decision to drop the class. Maybe I just can't handle 4 classes [weak!]. But hopefully it won't set me back. I rearranged my 4 year plan, so it still works. That was the only sort of relief I felt from this. At least I get to sleep in a lot more on Tuesday and Thursday. Haha.