Needed & Needing You
Length: Oneshot
Rating: PG
Genre: romance, slight angst
Summary: Jaejoong easily knew how much Yunho meant to him, but he hadn't been completely aware of what he had meant to Yunho.
A/N: Sunlight in the Form Of Jung Yunho continuation. You don't have to read that to understand this though, but it explains their relationship.
Jaejoong had spent months without hearing a word from Yunho. No call, no text. No seeing him at one of their little spots. No message to be relayed by someone else. He had lost all familiarity, and after a while, he had just given up. He had gone through all the different types of stages - I’ll wait for him to I can get over to him, to I know its hard for him too to I don’t need him. And then it just ended up in a mixture of both, not trying as hard to reach out to the man, but not letting go of him in his heart either. Honestly, it wasn’t like he could anyway. He had given up on that idea too.
Alcohol became his best friend. It was the only vivid connection that he cherished, the connection between the present and the past. Whenever he lost himself with it, he went back to the times in the dorm, back to the times where he was Jung Yunho’s boyfriend and everything was so so stressful, but yet the most perfect and beautiful his life had ever been. He would sit with his back against the wall, hair a mess from running a frustrated hand through several times over and eyes red from both the buzz of intoxication and what felt like endless tears. He hated himself everytime he did it, having an okay to good day but then ending the night with far too many shots and crying over old memories. Crying over the love they once used to share together and over how much Yunho did for him-and how nobody, nobody had ever loved him the same way. The way Yunho did.
He always felt awful and disgusted with himself afterwards, later in the morning waking up on the floor with a hangover and Jiji scratching at his head and demanding to be fed. He was so sure Yunho was not doing this, completely certain that the other man was going on with his life, having forgotten everything. And he wanted to do that too. He wanted that so bad, to move on. And he’d tried. He really had. But every single day his foot would knock into an empty bottle on the floor, and every single day he found himself smoking three or four cigarettes while staring at nothing, the apartment’s silence far too deafening, almost taunting him.
He had once overhead Junsu on that same year calling him miserable, and he remembered crying over that for days and giving the younger male a cold shoulder no matter how many times he had apologized profusely. But when he thought about it-wasn’t it the truth? It was a statement, an accurate one. He had never been so miserable in his entire life, and he felt absolutely pathetic about it. Who felt this bad over love? Only a lunatic, surely. Everybody else seemed to get over heartbreak by listening to a few sad songs and talking trash about their ex-partner. Jaejoong ticked the first one off, but he could never do the second one. Never. And there it was again-him being a lovesick fool for a man who completely shut him off.
Pathetic. Really.
When Yunho appeared at his door in the winter of 2011, the first thing Jaejoong wanted to do was hug him. And then kiss him. And then he realized how long Yunho had taken-how he didn’t even send a single message, how he didn’t seem to care for a very long time-and then the third thing Jaejoong wanted to do was slam the door shut in his face.
But he didn’t do any of these things. Instead, he swallowed the thick lump in his throat and tried not to cry. He then let Yunho step inside, and he closed the door, feeling a whirlwind of emotions, his body almost shaking.
“Jaejoong, I-“
“No. Please. Just-“ he pressed a hand to the wall, trying to compose himself. His gaze was on the floor, eyes feeling too hot already. He didn’t want to cry so soon. It would be too embarrassing, wouldn’t it? He squeezed his eyes shut, took a deep breath, and then forced himself to look up again. Although his expression didn’t change, he felt everything inside him crumble. Yunho was just as handsome-if not more-but the tiredness and regret that was so clear in his eyes was what made him want to walk over and envelop the brunet in his arms. Yunho, just like him, was exhausted. Not over a particular thing but over everything all at once.
There was a thick, tense silence, and Jaejoong took those seconds to just stare. Without any shame, because he suddenly didn’t care. Yunho wasn’t wearing any makeup, and the stubble on his face had his heart panging in longing. All he wanted to do was touch him, hold him. Feel him again, the way he used to. His hair looked soft, and he was wearing all black. When his eyes dropped to the younger male’s shoes, he interrupted.
“I’m sorry.”
Gaze snapping up, he felt tears prick behind his eyes. Yunho was staring at him, breathing hard. Was it that easy? To just say I forgive you and let everything fall into place, like how it was before?
“No,” he whispered to himself, looking away and shaking his head. Nothing was ever that easy. He would always remember the harsh struggle the other male went through just to accept his first confession. Yunho opened his mouth to say something in response, but he cut the taller male off, “Go sit down. I’ll make you some coffee.”
He hated the silence between them, but it was understandable. Neither of them wanted to speak first, but Jaejoong felt a little angry over the fact that it was Yunho who came over, yet like the past several months, refused to talk. And so he said nothing either, arms crossed against his chest and eyes glued to the coffee table. Jiji was stretched out underneath it, and soon enough he noticed the brunet staring at his cat too.
“You-“
“Got a cat,” Jaejoong finished for him, flatly. Yunho blinked, looking a bit confused, but then fell silent again. Jaejoong ignored the spark of guilt that he suddenly felt, pushing it down and continuing to stare plainly at the table that was separating them, and at the untouched mug of coffee on top of it.
Yunho shifted uncomfortably on the opposite sofa and his lips parted to speak again, “What-“
“Is his name? Jiji.”
“Why-“
“Did I get him? Because I was bored. And lonely.”
He knew that Yunho was getting upset over how he was behaving. The brunet’s jaw clenched ever so slightly, and then the expected, typical response came-“Why are you being like this?” - and Jaejoong closed his eyes and tried so hard not to smash the coffee mug on the floor.
“Ask yourself that,” he hissed into the tense silence, opening his eyes just in time to see the other male frowning.
“I understand why you’re angry. But I am here to talk, and you’re acting like this.”
Jaejoong felt his blood boiling. He uncrossed his arms, fists clenching. There were a million things he wanted to say. But he was scared there wasn’t enough time, and that he wouldn’t get to say everything he actually felt. Scared that just like how Yunho appeared back into his life, he’d easily walk out again without looking back.
He didn’t want to lose him, he knew deep inside, no matter how angry he was. So he phrased his words in the most polite manner possible, trying to keep his tone calm and civil,
“The way I’m ‘acting’ is how you acted ever since we parted, Yunho. Do you really think its fair of you to talk to me like I’m the only one who’s doing something wrong?”
“I know, and I’m sorry. But I’m here now.”
His eyebrows furrowed. What kind of reply was that? Sure, Yunho was here now, sitting across from him, ready to ‘talk’ again. But that didn’t erase the past year. Didn’t erase the drunken nights and dozens of cigarettes and crying his eyes out against his pillow. Didn’t erase the emptiness he felt doing every part of his schedule and how he ended up snapping at everyone around him. Didn’t erase the lowering of his self confidence and his perceived worth and didn’t erase the hurt, the deep and utter pain caused by being ignored, by being practically forgotten by the person he loved the most.
It didn’t erase any of that even though he was here now.
“You hurt me so much. Don’t you have anything to say other than that you’re sorry?” He felt his composure breaking bit by bit, and hated the way his voice trembled.
“What do you want me to say, Jaejoong? I’m regretful for that. But I needed time. I’m here now, and-“
“Stop saying that!” He snapped immediately, “I know you’re here now! I get it. I can fucking see you. Don’t you understand what I’m trying to say?! Explain, Yunho. You’re here to talk after all.”
He hadn’t meant to get so angry, but he couldn’t help it. And he could see that Yunho, too, was becoming the same way. The brunet’s eyes were hard, his posture stiff in defense. If anger was what it took to get the man to finally open his mouth and say the truth, then it was fine. It didn’t matter.
“It was hard on me. You know that. There isn’t much to say on that. I want to talk about you, about the present. Not the past-“
“Yunho you fucking ignored me for almost an entire year, refused to talk to me and completely shut me out of your life!” He yelled, voice breaking, leaning forward on the sofa, directing all his anger at the man and uncaring of it, “You said you loved me! You said that no matter what, we’d be okay! What the fuck happened to that? Next thing I know you change your number and make sure that I can’t contact you. I can clearly see how much I meant to you!”
“Jaejoong-“
“I can’t believe you did that to me. You of all people. I know I was at fault too, neither of us were ever completely right-but I would never have done that to you. I needed you, but you pushed me away,” he ended in a whisper, feeling the burn of tears again, desperately attempting to blink them away before he raised his voice and added, “You put me through so much pain! And now you’re coming back here and acting like nothings wrong and that we can just talk about the present?! Sure. Go ahead. Talk about the fucking present and forget about everything in the past. It’s so easy for you, isn’t it?!”
Maybe he shouldn’t have said those last words, Jaejoong realized, because they weren’t true at all. He was just unfairly frustrated, and he regretted them immediately the second Yunho stood up, pain written all over his eyes as he roared, “It was never easy for me! I was madly in love with you and I was so scared about it! No matter how many times you convinced me everything would be okay, I was still scared! I didn’t want to lose my family, my career, my dreams over our relationship! Yes I loved you but I also loved everything around me. I know you did too! You just didn’t show your fear the way I did!”
“That doesn’t explain-“ Jaejoong tried, but Yunho cut him off,
“People advised me to end things with you. Start new. Focus on my career instead of a relationship. And I listened,” Yunho muttered, running a hand through his hair and breathing hard, “I listened because I was so sick and tired of everything. I wanted to collapse. Performing was the only thing that kept me going, and I focused on that instead of you, because I wanted to be happy. And I knew I couldn’t be happy if I talked to you and knew that being together would be an impossibility. We can’t be friends. We never can go back to being friends. You and I both know this.”
Jaejoong couldn’t deny this. He swallowed thickly and tried to find a fault in Yunho’s words-but there was nothing. He knew the man, and he knew Yunho was being honest and sincere. Yet he was still upset. He was still so damn upset that it had taken this long for them to meet again. He was silent, and maybe his expression said everything because before he knew it, the brunet was walking over and sitting next to him. Jaejoong didn’t look at him.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please understand me, too.”
He did. He did understand Yunho, but he was scared about what the man would say next. Yunho had always been so anxious about keeping their relationship hidden-there was no way he’d walk right into Jaejoong’s life again with an open heart after all the mess he had gone through to keep the group standing. And that was what terrified Jaejoong. If they couldn’t be friends, and if they couldn’t be lovers-did that mean Yunho would leave again? Say what he had to say to get some closure, and then walk right out of the door, leaving Jaejoong broken the same way they had parted that very day in 2010?
“Yunho,” he whispered, eyes wet and lips dry.
“Yes?” The softness of his voice made Jaejoong want to sob.
“I want-I need you to leave for tonight,” he murmured, still not looking at the brunet, “but not before you listen to what I have to say.”
Yunho was quiet, and Jaejoong finally had the courage to look at him again. He didn’t wipe away the tears that slipped out, and ignored the way he saw Yunho’s fingers twitch on his thigh.
Pausing for a moment, he took a deep breath, cherished the precious moment of Yunho’s eyes looking into his after so long, and whispered,
“I’m still in love with you. I have, and will always be in love with you,” he saw the way Yunho’s shoulders tensed, and then his voice broke, “I don’t know if you believe me, or if you even feel the same way-but I need to tell you this before you leave again. My feelings are unchanging. Just-just know this. Like you said, we can’t be friends.. and I know it’s hard on you to make a decision. That’s why I want you to think about it. Please just think about it. You don’t have to give me an answer today, but you have to make a decision. You--,” he breathed, choking up, “You can’t just come back into my life, say some words and expect things to be okay again. You know that.”
When Yunho’s lips parted to say something, Jaejoong spoke first.
“Don’t say anything right now, please. I want you to go home.”
The taller male sighed, and Jaejoong wanted to hold him. He wanted to wrap his arms around the brunet’s broad shoulders and bury his face in the warmth of Yunho’s neck so bad. But he also needed Yunho to leave, before he started to break, because it wasn’t a sight he wanted the other male to see, and he didn’t want Yunho to say something he would regret in the whirlwind of their current emotions.
He needed Yunho to think about it.
“Okay. I’ll go now,” Yunho breathed, lips pursed, and Jaejoong watched him stand up. With wobbly legs he stood up as well, and followed the taller male into the hallway and helped him shrug into his jacket. The act of warmth between them sent his heart panging again, and when the brunet’s fingers brushed against his knuckles just before he opened the door to leave, Jaejoong could feel himself shaking in pure need. They didn’t say anything, but just before Yunho left, he murmured softly,
“My number is the same. Please message me before the day is over tomorrow. That’s it.”
Yunho paused, but then nodded slowly. He shrugged on his hood, shoved his hands inside his pockets and then closed the door. Just like that, Yunho was gone, and the apartment was quiet all over again.
Jaejoong let himself slide down against the wall onto the floor, let himself bawl into his hands and let Jiji rub against him in curiosity. It was like another one of those drunken nights. Nothing had actually seemed to change, except for the fact that now he would actually be waiting for something he knew would happen.
Jaejoong hated how he couldn’t concentrate on anything the next day. Thankfully for him, he didn’t have much of a schedule-and that left him sitting on his bed and staring at his phone. Every notification that lit the device up had him scrambling and jumping-but it always ended up being some friend or one of his staff. He was ashamed, like he always had been with how he lost himself easily just by the thought of Yunho-but he felt like he was reaching another kind of low, even to himself.
He had no appetite for the entire day. Even when he felt his stomach rumbling, the thought of food at that very moment made him feel sick. He wandered aimlessly around his house, tidying up here and there, reorganizing his bookshelf and spending a good ten minutes in front of the mirror while just picking out the flaws he saw, like some kind of game. Anything was fun while waiting. Even self-depreciation. Getting scratched by Jiji on the other hand wasn’t as fun though.
Yoochun had texted a few hours later. Something about being bored at his filming set and watcha doing?. And Jaejoong considered telling him everything. He wanted to. He needed someone to talk to about what he felt-but then he realized he could easily be influenced or swayed by Yoochun’s opinion, and then maybe the outcome of this situation would change. Even though it made little sense because at the end it was all actually up to Yunho- and even though he trusted the younger male with his whole heart-he needed to do this by himself. He had relied on Yoochun and Junsu far too much already. This time it was up to him-and only him-to actually make a decision.
To: Yoochun <3
Nothing. Bored. Just ate. Did you eat?
Their relationship had never been easy. It had never been going outside casually for Valentines Day or taking pretty couple photos. It had always consisted of sneaking around, a treacherous amount of planning, sharp arguments and silent treatment. But yet Jaejoong had never been so happy with their relationship-even though it had been the most difficult he had ever been in. Because even though they fought and pushed each other and slammed doors-they still ended up at night curled in each other’s arms, lips against lips and legs tangled under warm bedsheets.
They had been compared to fire and water several times over. Jaejoong still remembered their first argument back in 2003-something about their stage presence-and how they had glared and hissed at each other over the meeting table, oblivious of the others shifting uncomfortably around them. And the second they were away from the discussion, everything was okay again-Yunho was playing with the slight curls of his newly styled hair with a little smile on his plump lips and he, himself was tugging absentmindedly at the younger male’s shirt. As if nothing had ever happened. That’s how it always was.
And Jaejoong liked that. He liked that they had never dragged a fight on for longer time than necessary. He liked how the second he needed Yunho again, the man was immediately by his side, all anger having been shed. He liked how different his relationship was with Yunho compared to everybody else in his life. He liked how he was the water to extinguish Yunho’s fire, and vice versa. He loved it.
Yunho was like a pretty storm and rain all at once in Jaejoong’s once dry, bland life. The second they had shook hands back in 2001, his life had already begun to change. And the second their eyes met in SM again in 2003-the second he felt his heart jump in his chest-he knew something, everything was going to be different. And he was right.
Yunho was different from everybody else. Maybe that was too cliché. But it was so painfully true. Jaejoong had met far too many people over the years-but not a single person came close to the man he had fatefully fallen in love with in 2006.
Yunho was tall. He had the softest, softest hair and the cutest little eyes. His smile made Jaejoong feel like he was on clouds. The way he laughed when he was amused or flustered or even uncomfortable always made Jaejoong feel like he had just done something good. He wasn’t as clumsy-but the few moments where Yunho tripped or stumbled on a step were the moments he wished he had on video. He would always tease the brunet, poke fun, stick his tongue out-until it ended up with him on the sofa being tickled and Yunho’s stubble on his stomach.
Yunho had the most beautiful body. The right amount of thickness. Every part of him was mesmerizing, attractive. It was embarrassing how Jaejoong always felt ever so slightly light headed whenever he would lay a hand upon the man’s thigh or upper arm, no matter at the dorm or at a interview. The warmth of Yunho’s skin seeping through the material of his clothes was strong enough for Jaejoong to want to tackle him to the ground. Yunho’s long and gentle fingers on his own skin had him feeling even more urges, and it had always surprised him that he managed to compose himself at such times.
Yunho was strong. He carried things around the dorm and the muscles of his arms would flex whenever he did so. Hell-he’d carried Jaejoong before, several times. And each time, Jaejoong felt like he was a little princess (even though he would never speak the thought aloud.) But Yunho was even stronger mentally. The way he’d bottle everything inside, the way he’d keep his worries and doubts to himself to keep the light hearted mood of the group-Jaejoong admired him, but at the same time hated when the man would do that. Because even though he hid it well, Jaejoong had learned to read him over the years. The pain in his eyes was always evident after he would slap his laptop shut and Jaejoong would immediately realize that his love was reading hate comments. The way he shook his head when asked if something was wrong-right after hanging up on the phone-while Jaejoong knew right away he had just argued with his parents again.
Yunho was the most selfless person he had ever met. Yunho was the kindest. Yunho who would move mountains to make sure everyone was okay and had what they wanted. Yunho who would never praise them directly but gush and boast about them to everyone he met. Yunho who worked hard his entire life, every second of it-only to accept compliments in the humblest way and still thinking of improving. Yunho who always thought he was never good enough. Yunho-his precious, beautiful and considerate love of his life-was the most important person to him.
Even after everything? Being ignored, pushed away, attempted to be forgotten?
Even after everything.
Jaejoong found himself crying again. It was 11:50PM. The only messages he had received the past ten minutes were from his sisters and one from Junsu. He didn’t even open them. All he could do was bury his face in his hands and let everything out, as if he hadn’t already the past entire year; every single night. His body was shaking, the realization that maybe this was it. The day was almost over. This was the end of them.
He had been waiting for so long, though. Hiccupping, he tries to calm himself down, but to no avail. It was almost official now. He had been rejected, hadn’t he? He had asked Yunho something, and he had gotten a polite decline. And yet he couldn’t even get himself to feel angry. He was just upset. Very very upset. Devastated, to be exact.
Their past would remain in the past, and there was no present them, no possibility of a future them. Thinking about this had his heart panging physically. Breathing hard, he buried his face in his knees and tried to clear his mind. It hurt too much to think of a world where he had no chance with being Yunho again. It hurt to think of the fact that he would never be as happy as he once used to be with the man.
But yet all that was in his mind was the realization that they were just two individuals now, and that was there was to it. His eyebrows furrowed as another painful shudder rushed through his body, more tears squeezing out. He wanted to go to sleep, he wanted to forget that Yunho had walked back into his life yesterday because at least then, he still had hope. This was almost a confirmation now. A confirmation that slapped him in the face and told him that they couldn’t be together. Yunho having no want of messaging him was a clear indicator of that.
Through the sound of blood rushing in his ears, Jaejoong managed to hear the noise of his doorbell ringing. He was certain it was his manager. He hadn’t answered any texts or calls all day-even though he had a frantic schedule coming up. He knew he was being careless, and he was ashamed. He hadn’t been like this in a long time.
Taking a deep breath, Jaejoong wiped away the mess on his face and climbed wearily out of bed. A glance in the mirror showed him his swollen, red eyes and the dried tear marks on his skin. There was no way he could make himself look anymore presentable, and wracking his brain as he walked through the hallway for any excuse to explain his sudden moody behavior to his manager, Jaejoong yanked the door open with a last sniffle.
“It’s still 11:58 PM,” Yunho breathed, standing there in front of him, looking nervous and unsure and hopeful all at the same time. He was wearing an oversized jacket and had tears in his eyes, and Jaejoong’s lips parted. “I’m-maybe I should have prepared something to tell you. Maybe I should have listened to you and-and sent you a message instead. But I-just listen to me. Please.”
Jaejoong’s hand fell from the doorknob. Yunho took a deep breath.
“I still love you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I’ve tried so hard-but I just can’t,” the younger male breathed, his eyes wet and his lower lip trembling ever so slightly, “I know I was scared.. I still am, Jaejoong. But you changed my life. I’ve never.. never loved anyone the way I’ve loved you. I don’t know what is going to happen. But all I know is I loved the past and I want to spend the future the same way.. with you. Only you. Maybe we’ll get caught. Maybe we’ll lose everything, maybe we’re being reckless-but at this moment, honestly I don’t care about anything or anyone but you.. I just. I want you. I need you in my life again.”
And then Yunho looked down at his wrist, at his watch Jaejoong realized-and couldn’t prepare himself for the way the taller male grabbed him and kissed him. Couldn’t prepare himself for the way Yunho’s arms slid around his waist and held him tight and joined all his little broken pieces together again. The way their noses brushed together after pulling away, the way Yunho moved to his neck and buried his face there, breathing hard, his body shaking, and Jaejoong realized he was crying-and then soon enough he felt his own eyes growing wet too. And he couldn’t do anything but just hold him, his heart slamming hard and painful in his chest, a mixture of pure joy and surprise and anxiousness and everything and tell him softly that everything would be okay.
Because it would, really, now that they had each other again, wouldn’t it? They had been apart for too long, and whenever they were, everything always seemed to go wrong. They needed each other, not just for all the delights and romance that came with a relationship-but for being each others supportive pillars, for being each others strength.
Holding a teary Yunho in his arms-Jaejoong was determined to make sure that they’d be able to fight together against anything. After all, they were fire and water weren’t they? Sunlight to each others lives? They were Yunho and Jaejoong, and if Jaejoong knew anything from several past experiences-they were good at getting through anything with love.
A/N2: omg. i should never write angst again cuz i suck so bad at it hahahaha
im not 100% happy with this ;; and i know i said i didnt wanna write angst to the second part of sunlight in the form of jung yunho but this.. just.. happened.
there are some things i wanna say ab this. i kinda want to write yunho's pov because in jae's pov for this fic it makes it look like it was only yunho's fault right? id like to write about how yunho was hurt too and shizz. hmmm
also it will never be a fic of mine if there isnt some cheesy part in it (yunho at the door at 11:58 hahahaha o gosh)
as always i love ur comments so much ;_____; thank you so much for reading! please tell me what you think especially if you read the sunlight fic hehehehe :-**************