What and why am I even here?
Yesterday, cutie and I spend the evening together. We went shopping at the mall and then went to Club Numbers for Classic 80's night after picking up my friend Paige at her house. Also Nicole's mom saw me all dressed up and she took pictures of both of us before leaving her house, which made me feel a little weird because she has always seen me in boy's clothes but then cutie told me she thought I dressed in a feminine manner so I guess I shouldn't have felt that way. The night was good, cutie and I danced for a little bit and lots of kissing :P. We ended up leaving by 12:30 because we were super tired and wanted to go home.
Today, wow I wish I didn't wake up today. My mom yelled at me the whole morning because I didn't help her dig holes, shovel soil and mulch and remove grass for HER landscaping project. She complained to me that I am solely thinking about Nicole (which is true) and demanded me that I should prioritize my family and home before anything else. Even though I told her I invited Nicole to go out to my friend Gilbert's bday thing at Numbers. She even went on to say that one day she would do something to Nicole to make me look bad to her. I told her that's her problem and that the only person that would look bad was her. I told her "atrevete", try me and you will see how bad and fucked up of a person I could be.
I left everybody there at the dining room and went upstairs with my chin up. I had other more important things in my mind than arguing with an irrational being. Today was the Katy ISD Teachers Fair. I got ready and pulled my suit, my ties and a gray shirt out of the closet. It's one of the occasions where I have to really hide the fact that I am queer to not jeopardize my chances to get a job due to discrimination. I removed my earrings and styled my hair so that it didn't hide my face or my ears. I hate to dress like this because it doesn't represent my gender identity nor expression but then I took a deep breath looked myself in the mirror and told myself "I look sharp, I got to do this to be able to do what I need to do" I drove out of the house and my mom was there planning her garden thing with ropes and my dad was wearing gloves and a cap. On the way there I try to prepare myself mentally and gain confidence. I am young, I am highly qualified and certified in my subject area and have had previous teaching experience at the university level. Nothing can go wrong. I am envisioning about getting a job close to home where I will be able to regain my lawful status with a work visa/permit and earn a comfortable $44K annual salary. I could rent an apartment and live with cutie and I could surely pay my school loan and credit card debts within a year and pay for facial hair removal and getting my teeth fixed with that salary. You go girl you can do it.
I got out of the car and checked my reflection at the building's tall glass and tell myself "I am ready to go". The place was full of people. There were lots of young professional people like me. They looked very nice with their portfolios and resumes in hand and nice interview-ready clothes, just like mine. I should be OK competing against these people, I thought.
I went to the first station, the human resources table near the entrance of the stadium and greeted the representative with my most sincere smile. I explain her my qualifications and what I am looking for. She looked at me and maybe because of my non-American accent she asked me if I obtained my degree from a US university. I respond in a positive manner and tell her that I am certified to teach in my content area for the high school level. She then asked me about my eligibility to work in the US. I told her that I am on an international student visa and the first word that came out of her mouth was "unfortunately" and from there my hopes dropped deep down to the ground. Basically she told me that Katy ISD 's hiring policies didn't allow sponsoring work visas to immigrants on temporary visas (which is me). She then apologized, told me in a nice manner not to waste my time in there as I will not be able to get hired and wished me good luck. Before leaving, she told me to apply when I get a permanent resident visa. I went to my car with a blank face, trying to maintain my composure. Once I was inside the car, I turned the engine and the A/C on and from there I let my emotions take care of my mental garbage by crying tears.
I am qualified but I am not eligible, is not their fault but neither is mine. I then saw the picture I took there at the stadium and saw all the men and women bringing out the best of them to try to influence young people's minds. They looked so comfortable and confident enjoying their for-granted gender expression and privileges. I then think what am I even doing here where I don't belong? Who am I if I can't be myself?
I don't want to exist.
I was thinking about how last week when performing my weekly estradiol injection I went through a blood vessel and had a short ischemia/emboli event as the oil was passing through my brain and capillaries. I shortly thought about harming myself. Maybe I could end all of this; I mean there is no place for me, why should I even bother? Stupid me, I thought about the people I care, Nicole, my family. I won’t do it, maybe I just fell too low and it’s normal to feel this way.
I came back home and my mom wanted to give me a hug but she is the last person I want to hug in the world at this moment. I had been bringing and unloading mulch and soil in my uncle’s truck. I am tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I wish I could erase this day but time only runs in one direction and the day is almost over.