Hard Hand to Hold - Three
Chapter Three:
“I will hurt you, just to hold you standing in the rain.”
It was the best day of my life but also the worst.
A year ago, I was nominated for Best Supporting Actor but even though I was honored, I couldn’t truly enjoy it. I had been arguing with Noeru for a while over virtually everything, and he had been cold and distant when he finally came home the night before.
Our schedules didn’t match - when he had a class, I was off. When I had a shoot, he was home. We had the nights together, but we didn’t spend much time talking. We would eat dinner and talk about that day’s events sometimes, but otherwise we would finish eating and by the time I washed the first dish, he would be behind me, kissing me and we’d go to bed just like any other night. He always seemed to be angry with me and I used to think that this was his way of apologizing and forgiving me.
He would tell me he loved me before we fell asleep, but I always sensed pain behind those words.
More times than I could count, something came up and I had to cancel our plans. I couldn’t stop working even though I knew that would make it easier for the both of us. I loved it too much…but at the same time I hated seeing the looks of disappointment on his beautiful face.
I knew he was struggling and it was hard for him, but I honestly loved him back. Mine was a hard hand to hold, but I didn’t want to lose him.
Regardless, I felt it in his kisses the night before the awards. He was going to let go of me.
Of course I was happy when I heard my name announced to win the award. I knew I did well on the drama after hours of hard work and perfecting each line. It felt good to get recognition for everything, but as I gave my thank you speech, I wished he was there to see me in person. I wanted him to see what I had been working for and why I had to spend so much time away from him.
Roars of excitement from the after-parties overwhelmed me and when my cell buzzed in my pocket, I finally had a reason to leave.
When I called him back, he picked up and all I could hear were the sounds of his sobs.
“Ryo-chan…” he mumbled and my heart pounded in my chest.
“Noe? What is it? Are you okay?”
“No…I’m sorry…I tried.”
“Tell me.”
“I can’t do this anymore. Us.”
I already knew the reasons, yet the word still fell from my lips. “Why?”
He was crying again and I wished I was near him so I could hold him and stop him from leaving.
“You’re hard to be with…”
I still remember the cold wind that surrounded me when he said those words. I should have known it would happen - that he would leave me. I was a fool to believe otherwise.
“It’s like your work is more important than I am. Where do I fit into your life?”
“Everywhere. Even when I’m at work I’m thinking about you. I love you, you know that.”
His breathing was ragged. “I’m sorry…I love you…but we’re fighting all the time now and I don’t want to hate each other. I just want to end here when I still see the real you and not someone who I hate being around.”
There was someone approaching from the other side of the street, but I didn’t really care that much. “Why can’t you just forgive me?”
“I tried…this whole week I’ve been trying just to accept everything.”
It felt like I was sinking, like everything around me was swallowing me whole. I glanced up for a moment and by the way the boy was looking at me, I could tell he recognized me.
“I’ll talk to you later.”
I wanted to talk to him in person…hearing the sounds of his tears without being near him was driving me crazy. But at the same time, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stop him. It was cold, and the senses of fear and loss continued to rush through me. I felt sick.
I told the eavesdropper that he wouldn’t find a cab, and he turned to me, seemingly surprised that I was talking to him. It looked like he was younger than me, but not by much. He was dressed nicely in black slacks and a burgundy button-down shirt and wore black-rimmed glasses. From the way he looked around at the cars on the street, I could tell he wasn’t from the city.
My hands were still trembling from the phone call and when he continued to speak to me, I figured I could use a distraction. I wasn’t ready to face the truth yet. In a way, I wanted to be the Nishikido Ryo who is happily enjoying the afterglow of receiving an award instead of the Nishikido Ryo who could barely even focus because he was thinking about his boyfriend back home.
I was in denial, I suppose.
We went out for coffee at a café, and I asked him if he could keep talking. There were times I’d forget completely about what I would have to face at home and also times I couldn’t even register the boy’s words.
I don’t know why I turned back after I left the cafe, nor why I picked him for a distraction. But I felt like I wanted to see him again.
He managed to put my mind at ease, but that all ended once I stepped into my apartment that night. Noeru had taken all of his things except for his towel in the bathroom.
He was gone, and I had never felt such a numb feeling in my life.
I could have chased after him, but if he wanted to go, it felt like I shouldn’t stop him. Why should I continue hurting him just to hold him? I thought, and the tears began to fall from my empty eyes.
--
I began to meet up with Shige more often and it didn’t take long before I saw him as a friend rather than a mere distraction. I focused on routine, and slowly, he became part of it.
His parents owned a bookstore, which I felt was completely appropriate since his nose was always stuffed into a book whenever he would wait for me.
Slowly, things began to feel okay again. But there was one thing I hated the most, and that was coming home to an empty house every night. I was used to walking in to Noeru wearing a cute apron cooking with his hair tied back. With him gone, it was empty and lifeless.
So when we became closer, I invited Shige to my house. The first time, I simply wanted to have some life in it but by the second time, I wanted him there. He made me laugh and even though I was never one to say much, I felt myself talking more and more to him. He was pretty smart and knew things that either baffled and interested me or made me wonder why anyone would want to know about them.
Now that I think back on it, that’s what I remember most about him. I remember his expressions when we conversed - the way he looked when he was surprised, when he challenged me to something, when he was angry, the way he laughed, smiled…I don’t think I realized back then how much I paid attention to these things.
--
Noeru never called. After hearing him so upset that night, I wondered about how he was doing and I missed him terribly.
One night, I walked around the city aimlessly after work.The falling snowflakes transformed into raindrops and the snow on the ground began to slosh with my footsteps as it got wet. I was about to get a cab to go home when I heard a familiar laugh. Ahead of me, Noeru stood under an awning with his long fingers twirled around the dirty hand of another guy.
I watched for a moment, frozen in place, as the cold rain washed over me. When you hear someone say I love you to you, you never like to think that they could ever say it to someone else. It’s supposed to be that “only love” the girls sing about in ending theme songs, isn’t it?
I had been strong before that, only crying a few times when I wished for the past or when being alone at night without him made me realize his absence even more. But as I sat in the cab, shivering, the reality hit me all at once.
Before I knew it, I was standing on Shige’s doorstep with my fist against the wooden door. He took me in and helped me that night. I remember how lost I felt and how helpless I must have seemed.
He offered me his guest room, a small room painted in blue that had hats hanging along the walls. I sat on the edge of the bed on a crocheted blanket and stared at the pictures on the dresser. One was from the grand opening of his family’s bookstore. His family stood in front, huddled together with scarves and hats on. The next was a picture of Shige on a stage as he acted in a play.
It was quiet, and the silence allowed me to hear the sounds of pages being turned downstairs along with the raindrops hitting against the roof. I lay back, staring at the ceiling fan and sighed as the sight of Noeru and that guy once again entered my hazy mind. Does he treat you better, Noe?
I felt a bit dizzy, and I figured I must have been sick.
Denial was no longer a safety blanket for me, and I had to begin realizing that he was really gone.
Though I didn’t think much of it back then, when I fell asleep on his lap it was the closest I’d felt to someone since Noeru.
End of Chapter Three
*Lyrics from "A Hard Hand to Hold" by Ace Young
“I will hurt you, just to hold you standing in the rain.”
It was the best day of my life but also the worst.
A year ago, I was nominated for Best Supporting Actor but even though I was honored, I couldn’t truly enjoy it. I had been arguing with Noeru for a while over virtually everything, and he had been cold and distant when he finally came home the night before.
Our schedules didn’t match - when he had a class, I was off. When I had a shoot, he was home. We had the nights together, but we didn’t spend much time talking. We would eat dinner and talk about that day’s events sometimes, but otherwise we would finish eating and by the time I washed the first dish, he would be behind me, kissing me and we’d go to bed just like any other night. He always seemed to be angry with me and I used to think that this was his way of apologizing and forgiving me.
He would tell me he loved me before we fell asleep, but I always sensed pain behind those words.
More times than I could count, something came up and I had to cancel our plans. I couldn’t stop working even though I knew that would make it easier for the both of us. I loved it too much…but at the same time I hated seeing the looks of disappointment on his beautiful face.
I knew he was struggling and it was hard for him, but I honestly loved him back. Mine was a hard hand to hold, but I didn’t want to lose him.
Regardless, I felt it in his kisses the night before the awards. He was going to let go of me.
Of course I was happy when I heard my name announced to win the award. I knew I did well on the drama after hours of hard work and perfecting each line. It felt good to get recognition for everything, but as I gave my thank you speech, I wished he was there to see me in person. I wanted him to see what I had been working for and why I had to spend so much time away from him.
Roars of excitement from the after-parties overwhelmed me and when my cell buzzed in my pocket, I finally had a reason to leave.
When I called him back, he picked up and all I could hear were the sounds of his sobs.
“Ryo-chan…” he mumbled and my heart pounded in my chest.
“Noe? What is it? Are you okay?”
“No…I’m sorry…I tried.”
“Tell me.”
“I can’t do this anymore. Us.”
I already knew the reasons, yet the word still fell from my lips. “Why?”
He was crying again and I wished I was near him so I could hold him and stop him from leaving.
“You’re hard to be with…”
I still remember the cold wind that surrounded me when he said those words. I should have known it would happen - that he would leave me. I was a fool to believe otherwise.
“It’s like your work is more important than I am. Where do I fit into your life?”
“Everywhere. Even when I’m at work I’m thinking about you. I love you, you know that.”
His breathing was ragged. “I’m sorry…I love you…but we’re fighting all the time now and I don’t want to hate each other. I just want to end here when I still see the real you and not someone who I hate being around.”
There was someone approaching from the other side of the street, but I didn’t really care that much. “Why can’t you just forgive me?”
“I tried…this whole week I’ve been trying just to accept everything.”
It felt like I was sinking, like everything around me was swallowing me whole. I glanced up for a moment and by the way the boy was looking at me, I could tell he recognized me.
“I’ll talk to you later.”
I wanted to talk to him in person…hearing the sounds of his tears without being near him was driving me crazy. But at the same time, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stop him. It was cold, and the senses of fear and loss continued to rush through me. I felt sick.
I told the eavesdropper that he wouldn’t find a cab, and he turned to me, seemingly surprised that I was talking to him. It looked like he was younger than me, but not by much. He was dressed nicely in black slacks and a burgundy button-down shirt and wore black-rimmed glasses. From the way he looked around at the cars on the street, I could tell he wasn’t from the city.
My hands were still trembling from the phone call and when he continued to speak to me, I figured I could use a distraction. I wasn’t ready to face the truth yet. In a way, I wanted to be the Nishikido Ryo who is happily enjoying the afterglow of receiving an award instead of the Nishikido Ryo who could barely even focus because he was thinking about his boyfriend back home.
I was in denial, I suppose.
We went out for coffee at a café, and I asked him if he could keep talking. There were times I’d forget completely about what I would have to face at home and also times I couldn’t even register the boy’s words.
I don’t know why I turned back after I left the cafe, nor why I picked him for a distraction. But I felt like I wanted to see him again.
He managed to put my mind at ease, but that all ended once I stepped into my apartment that night. Noeru had taken all of his things except for his towel in the bathroom.
He was gone, and I had never felt such a numb feeling in my life.
I could have chased after him, but if he wanted to go, it felt like I shouldn’t stop him. Why should I continue hurting him just to hold him? I thought, and the tears began to fall from my empty eyes.
--
I began to meet up with Shige more often and it didn’t take long before I saw him as a friend rather than a mere distraction. I focused on routine, and slowly, he became part of it.
His parents owned a bookstore, which I felt was completely appropriate since his nose was always stuffed into a book whenever he would wait for me.
Slowly, things began to feel okay again. But there was one thing I hated the most, and that was coming home to an empty house every night. I was used to walking in to Noeru wearing a cute apron cooking with his hair tied back. With him gone, it was empty and lifeless.
So when we became closer, I invited Shige to my house. The first time, I simply wanted to have some life in it but by the second time, I wanted him there. He made me laugh and even though I was never one to say much, I felt myself talking more and more to him. He was pretty smart and knew things that either baffled and interested me or made me wonder why anyone would want to know about them.
Now that I think back on it, that’s what I remember most about him. I remember his expressions when we conversed - the way he looked when he was surprised, when he challenged me to something, when he was angry, the way he laughed, smiled…I don’t think I realized back then how much I paid attention to these things.
--
Noeru never called. After hearing him so upset that night, I wondered about how he was doing and I missed him terribly.
One night, I walked around the city aimlessly after work.The falling snowflakes transformed into raindrops and the snow on the ground began to slosh with my footsteps as it got wet. I was about to get a cab to go home when I heard a familiar laugh. Ahead of me, Noeru stood under an awning with his long fingers twirled around the dirty hand of another guy.
I watched for a moment, frozen in place, as the cold rain washed over me. When you hear someone say I love you to you, you never like to think that they could ever say it to someone else. It’s supposed to be that “only love” the girls sing about in ending theme songs, isn’t it?
I had been strong before that, only crying a few times when I wished for the past or when being alone at night without him made me realize his absence even more. But as I sat in the cab, shivering, the reality hit me all at once.
Before I knew it, I was standing on Shige’s doorstep with my fist against the wooden door. He took me in and helped me that night. I remember how lost I felt and how helpless I must have seemed.
He offered me his guest room, a small room painted in blue that had hats hanging along the walls. I sat on the edge of the bed on a crocheted blanket and stared at the pictures on the dresser. One was from the grand opening of his family’s bookstore. His family stood in front, huddled together with scarves and hats on. The next was a picture of Shige on a stage as he acted in a play.
It was quiet, and the silence allowed me to hear the sounds of pages being turned downstairs along with the raindrops hitting against the roof. I lay back, staring at the ceiling fan and sighed as the sight of Noeru and that guy once again entered my hazy mind. Does he treat you better, Noe?
I felt a bit dizzy, and I figured I must have been sick.
Denial was no longer a safety blanket for me, and I had to begin realizing that he was really gone.
Though I didn’t think much of it back then, when I fell asleep on his lap it was the closest I’d felt to someone since Noeru.
End of Chapter Three
*Lyrics from "A Hard Hand to Hold" by Ace Young