Hard Hand to Hold - Two
Chapter Two:
“Up and down emotions. Playing with your mind.”
After transferring the yellow grocery bags into one hand, I pull out my keys and look over the three hanging from the chain before inserting one into the golden knob.
The house is unusually empty and would be enveloped in silence if not for my characteristically talkative best friend following behind me into the kitchen. He continues to ramble on about helping me with the leaves outside as I drop the bags on the marble island in the middle of the kitchen.
“You don’t have to, Kei. I’ll be okay.”
He shakes his head and takes out the package of meat from one of the grocery bags. “I want to. Think of it as repayment for helping me with my computer.”
“Alright then,” I say, deciding not to argue it any further after realizing how nice it would be to have some help with the yard.
After the groceries are all successfully put away, he retreats to the other room to switch on the TV. I slice through the vegetables and listen to a few seconds of each program before it is changed to the next.
“Tonight at nin-“ Flip. Just from those three words, I not only know what commercial it is, but also why he changed it even more quickly than the rest.
“Na, Shige,” he calls from the other room after shutting off the TV. I look over and he’s holding up my newest manga interest. “This the one you were talking about?”
“That’s the one,” I say and slice the onion in half. “I’m finished with Volume one if you want to take it.”
“Hmm,” he mumbles and I watch as he flips through the pages I sped through last night. “I think I’ll try it out.”
I return my focus to the white onion, running through it with my knife and narrowing my eyes when they begin to sting.
---
Later, when the glow from the sun is replaced by that of the moon, I settle into the couch.
9:00.
My father is in his office with the bills and my mother is working on her newest idea for a woman’s hat.
The drama begins with girls playing basketball in a gym and it is accompanied by a narration that hints to the tragic nature of the drama. Despite the beginning, it becomes gentler, with birds chirping happily along with the rays of sun outside of a school.
I can’t quite describe the feeling that washes over me when I see his face and hear the voice that never spoke the words I had so desperately wanted to hear in the past.
Slowly, thoughts along that line fade away as I become lost in the world that is being created. The topic of the drama intrigued me when I first heard about it a few weeks ago and I’ve been waiting for it to start ever since.
The family reminds me of my own in the way they all help run a family business. Although tiring at times, it gives a sense of unity that I wouldn’t have otherwise.
The rest of the episode passes by, getting better with every minute.
At ten, I shut the power off with the remote and turn over on the couch, feeling a bit numb in the dark. I can hear my mother on the sewing machine along with the ripping of envelopes and I slowly fall into thoughts that are virtually unavoidable.
• • •
I remember the first time I ever heard the name Nishikido Ryo. He was an up-and-coming actor who finally landed a role in a drama I was watching. He grew up around here, but I never knew of him before then. Around that time, I was a senior in high school and I loved to act in school and town plays. I had always wanted to better myself and completely immerse myself into the story surrounding the character I was playing. I admired actors who did that well.
By the time I was twenty-one, I had seen every movie and drama he’d been in and my father somehow got his hands on a ticket to an awards ceremony. He had no interest in anything televised aside from news and sports, so he gave it to me instead.
I still remember it exactly, even though it was one year ago. The ceremony went smoothly and when it came time for the Best Supporting Actor, he won. Naturally it made me even happier because I knew that he deserved it.
Even with all the elegance and the red carpet, what happened afterwards is what I remember most vividly.
There were VIP after-parties going on afterwards and I left the building to search for a cab available to take me back home. It was late, and I decided to cross over and head towards the main street where the probability of a cab appearing would be higher. The ground was wet with autumn rain and when I reached the sidewalk lining the road, I noticed someone dressed in an expensive suit talking on a cell phone. He was leaning against the brick wall of a restaurant and it didn’t take me long to realize who it was.
“Why can’t you just forgive me?” he said into the phone and looked up at me, quirking an eyebrow. I looked away and focused on the road and the cars zooming past at speeds that were well over the speed limit.
“I’ll talk to you later,” I heard him say followed by the click of his cell flipping shut.
I remember it was cold and I wished I had brought a jacket.
“Hey,” he said and I turned to where he was still standing. “If you’re waiting for a cab, it might be a while. This time of night is busy.”
Perfect, I thought sarcastically. “Thanks…congratulations on the award, Nishikido-san.”
It was strange talking to the person I’d been watching through the screen of my television for so long. He held up the award, smiling at it weakly. “Thanks.”
He stepped up to me and I couldn’t help but realize that he looked even better in person.
“Is there a bus that runs around here?”
He thought for a few moments and then his eyes locked with mine again. “I don’t know, but if you don’t have to be anywhere right away…do you want to grab some coffee?”
“Um…” I mumbled, not believing what I’d just heard.
“Or something else, just…something.” There was a hint of desperation in his voice that I couldn’t understand.
“What about the after-parties?”
“I snuck out. I had a phone call…”
I would have been a fool if I turned down the offer. “Coffee sounds good, or whatever else.”
We sat in the back corner of a café, somewhat hidden from others’ view. He didn’t say much, but instead insisted that I keep talking. I spoke about how I heard about him and how I ended up getting a ticket for the ceremony. I must’ve sounded more like a fan than I had intended, but the entire situation confused me to no end.
When he looked down and began playing with a sugar packet, and I figured I must have been boring him.
“Nishikido-san…if I might ask, why did you invite me here?”
He took another sip of his cappuccino and sighed. “I didn’t want to go home but I also didn’t want to be alone. I figured you’d be easy to be around for a little while.”
“How did you figure that?”
“Just a guess,” he said casually. “It turned out to be true. It’s nice to hear about things I’ve done right.”
“I think that award says more about your accomplishments than I can.”
He glanced at the award once again and smiled at me. “I suppose, but hearing it directly is good too.”
“You’re welcome then.”
He laughed a bit. “What’s your name, fanboy?”
The situation was getting lighter, thankfully, and I grimaced at the nickname. “Please don’t call me that.”
“Tell me what your friends call you then.”
“Shige.”
“Well, Shige, this was nice. Thanks for coming along.”
I didn’t exactly want him to go, now that he’d actually joined the conversation. I knew the chances of seeing him again were slim to none and it was hard to see him get his things together and pay on the way out.
I sat there afterwards looking into my half-filled mug of black coffee before taking another sip.
Not long after, I saw him walk back into the café and he headed back over to me.
“Did you forget something?” I asked, looking around the area where he sat and seeing nothing. When I sat back up, he was holding out his phone to me.
“Yeah. I forgot to ask you if you wanted to hang out again sometime.”
The offer completely caught me off guard even though nothing that night made any sense. “Seriously?”
“I don’t know why, but it was really easy being around you. Would you want to?” He held out his phone once again, and I took it.
“Of course,” I said and began putting my cell number into where he opened the form for a new contact.
“I’ll call you…” He said and he did, about 2 weeks after we first met.
He was still a bit quiet that time, but that ended quickly once we began going out for drinks and meals regularly at all different times of the night. That same empty look he had the first night came out a few times, but I figured it was because he was tired after working hard on filming or interviews.
I remember laughing when he told stories about things that he’d seen on sets and sharing my own experiences of my days of acting. At times he’d tease me about reading so often, saying that the face I made while concentrating on a book would give me wrinkles at a young age. I told him that he shouldn’t laugh when his stressful lifestyle would eventually make his hair fall out.
We’d argue about stupid things but at times we’d also talk about things like politics and cultures of other countries.
Every time I was around him, I realized even more how much I was starting to like him. Of course I’d always been attracted to him and I’d always admired him, but it was beginning to become something significant.
About two months into our friendship, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and saw Ryo soaked by the cold winter rain.
“Are you crazy? Why were you out in the rain?”
He body shivered and his teeth chattered. “I n-needed t-to get a-away.”
I pulled him inside and handed him a towel from the bathroom. “I’ll get you some dry clothes.”
He changed into my clothes - a simple t-shirt and sweatpants - and dried his hair as I made him hot tea.
“You should have brought an umbrella, you know.” From the look on his face, I knew he didn’t want to be lectured but I couldn’t help it.
“I should have done a lot of things…” The tone he spoke in hurt me, confused me. Even though we’d talked countless times about a variety of different things, I never understood the meaning behind the strange things he’d say sometimes. I figured it was work-related.
He drank the tea and thanked me a few times. Afterwards, I told him that he could sleep in the guest room. My parents were staying with a relative so I didn’t need to ask them, not that they would have a problem with it anyway. He went upstairs and I sat down on the couch to continue the book I had been reading. It was relaxing to read at night, especially when the moonlight seeped through the window. That night, the moonlight was blocked and instead I listened to the sounds of raindrops hitting the window behind me.
I heard footsteps from the stairs and Ryo came into the room, hesitantly taking a seat next to me. He seemed a bit off, and moments later he suddenly pushed the book down into my lap and hugged me for the first time.
“Why does life suck?” he asked me with a hint of desperation in his quiet voice.
“It depends…what happened?”
He avoided the question, tightening the hold around my shoulders once before pulling back and staring at me. “Lie with me.”
“What?”
He sighed and laid on the cushions next to me, resting his head on my lap. I wasn’t expecting it, but I didn’t say anything to stop him.
“Can I sleep here tonight?”
I looked down at him, still confused, and I hesitantly began to comb my fingers through his black hair. “Until I go up to bed, you can stay here.”
“Thanks…”
He fell asleep shortly after and I continued to read, holding the book in one hand and placing the other on his shoulder. If he doesn’t want to tell me what is wrong, this is the only thing I can do for him, I thought.
When I was ready to go to sleep myself, I marked my place with a bookmark that had the name of my family’s bookstore on it before returning the book to its place on the end table.
His forehead was warm when I touched it, and I ran my fingers through his hair once more.
“Take care of yourself, Ryo.”
Carefully, I replaced my lap with a pillow under his head and draped a blanket over his almost motionless body. I stared at him for a few moments and before leaving, I leaned over and softly kissed the top of his head.
• • •
Just like I did that day, I get up off the couch and shut off the lamp before heading up to bed.
Even though I have moved on, this isn’t the first time I’ve thought about that part of my life.
End of Chapter Two
*Lyrics from beginning are from “Hard Hand to Hold” by Ace Young
A/N: For the purposes of this fic, 1 Litre of Tears is airing in 2009. ^^;
“Up and down emotions. Playing with your mind.”
After transferring the yellow grocery bags into one hand, I pull out my keys and look over the three hanging from the chain before inserting one into the golden knob.
The house is unusually empty and would be enveloped in silence if not for my characteristically talkative best friend following behind me into the kitchen. He continues to ramble on about helping me with the leaves outside as I drop the bags on the marble island in the middle of the kitchen.
“You don’t have to, Kei. I’ll be okay.”
He shakes his head and takes out the package of meat from one of the grocery bags. “I want to. Think of it as repayment for helping me with my computer.”
“Alright then,” I say, deciding not to argue it any further after realizing how nice it would be to have some help with the yard.
After the groceries are all successfully put away, he retreats to the other room to switch on the TV. I slice through the vegetables and listen to a few seconds of each program before it is changed to the next.
“Tonight at nin-“ Flip. Just from those three words, I not only know what commercial it is, but also why he changed it even more quickly than the rest.
“Na, Shige,” he calls from the other room after shutting off the TV. I look over and he’s holding up my newest manga interest. “This the one you were talking about?”
“That’s the one,” I say and slice the onion in half. “I’m finished with Volume one if you want to take it.”
“Hmm,” he mumbles and I watch as he flips through the pages I sped through last night. “I think I’ll try it out.”
I return my focus to the white onion, running through it with my knife and narrowing my eyes when they begin to sting.
---
Later, when the glow from the sun is replaced by that of the moon, I settle into the couch.
9:00.
My father is in his office with the bills and my mother is working on her newest idea for a woman’s hat.
The drama begins with girls playing basketball in a gym and it is accompanied by a narration that hints to the tragic nature of the drama. Despite the beginning, it becomes gentler, with birds chirping happily along with the rays of sun outside of a school.
I can’t quite describe the feeling that washes over me when I see his face and hear the voice that never spoke the words I had so desperately wanted to hear in the past.
Slowly, thoughts along that line fade away as I become lost in the world that is being created. The topic of the drama intrigued me when I first heard about it a few weeks ago and I’ve been waiting for it to start ever since.
The family reminds me of my own in the way they all help run a family business. Although tiring at times, it gives a sense of unity that I wouldn’t have otherwise.
The rest of the episode passes by, getting better with every minute.
At ten, I shut the power off with the remote and turn over on the couch, feeling a bit numb in the dark. I can hear my mother on the sewing machine along with the ripping of envelopes and I slowly fall into thoughts that are virtually unavoidable.
• • •
I remember the first time I ever heard the name Nishikido Ryo. He was an up-and-coming actor who finally landed a role in a drama I was watching. He grew up around here, but I never knew of him before then. Around that time, I was a senior in high school and I loved to act in school and town plays. I had always wanted to better myself and completely immerse myself into the story surrounding the character I was playing. I admired actors who did that well.
By the time I was twenty-one, I had seen every movie and drama he’d been in and my father somehow got his hands on a ticket to an awards ceremony. He had no interest in anything televised aside from news and sports, so he gave it to me instead.
I still remember it exactly, even though it was one year ago. The ceremony went smoothly and when it came time for the Best Supporting Actor, he won. Naturally it made me even happier because I knew that he deserved it.
Even with all the elegance and the red carpet, what happened afterwards is what I remember most vividly.
There were VIP after-parties going on afterwards and I left the building to search for a cab available to take me back home. It was late, and I decided to cross over and head towards the main street where the probability of a cab appearing would be higher. The ground was wet with autumn rain and when I reached the sidewalk lining the road, I noticed someone dressed in an expensive suit talking on a cell phone. He was leaning against the brick wall of a restaurant and it didn’t take me long to realize who it was.
“Why can’t you just forgive me?” he said into the phone and looked up at me, quirking an eyebrow. I looked away and focused on the road and the cars zooming past at speeds that were well over the speed limit.
“I’ll talk to you later,” I heard him say followed by the click of his cell flipping shut.
I remember it was cold and I wished I had brought a jacket.
“Hey,” he said and I turned to where he was still standing. “If you’re waiting for a cab, it might be a while. This time of night is busy.”
Perfect, I thought sarcastically. “Thanks…congratulations on the award, Nishikido-san.”
It was strange talking to the person I’d been watching through the screen of my television for so long. He held up the award, smiling at it weakly. “Thanks.”
He stepped up to me and I couldn’t help but realize that he looked even better in person.
“Is there a bus that runs around here?”
He thought for a few moments and then his eyes locked with mine again. “I don’t know, but if you don’t have to be anywhere right away…do you want to grab some coffee?”
“Um…” I mumbled, not believing what I’d just heard.
“Or something else, just…something.” There was a hint of desperation in his voice that I couldn’t understand.
“What about the after-parties?”
“I snuck out. I had a phone call…”
I would have been a fool if I turned down the offer. “Coffee sounds good, or whatever else.”
We sat in the back corner of a café, somewhat hidden from others’ view. He didn’t say much, but instead insisted that I keep talking. I spoke about how I heard about him and how I ended up getting a ticket for the ceremony. I must’ve sounded more like a fan than I had intended, but the entire situation confused me to no end.
When he looked down and began playing with a sugar packet, and I figured I must have been boring him.
“Nishikido-san…if I might ask, why did you invite me here?”
He took another sip of his cappuccino and sighed. “I didn’t want to go home but I also didn’t want to be alone. I figured you’d be easy to be around for a little while.”
“How did you figure that?”
“Just a guess,” he said casually. “It turned out to be true. It’s nice to hear about things I’ve done right.”
“I think that award says more about your accomplishments than I can.”
He glanced at the award once again and smiled at me. “I suppose, but hearing it directly is good too.”
“You’re welcome then.”
He laughed a bit. “What’s your name, fanboy?”
The situation was getting lighter, thankfully, and I grimaced at the nickname. “Please don’t call me that.”
“Tell me what your friends call you then.”
“Shige.”
“Well, Shige, this was nice. Thanks for coming along.”
I didn’t exactly want him to go, now that he’d actually joined the conversation. I knew the chances of seeing him again were slim to none and it was hard to see him get his things together and pay on the way out.
I sat there afterwards looking into my half-filled mug of black coffee before taking another sip.
Not long after, I saw him walk back into the café and he headed back over to me.
“Did you forget something?” I asked, looking around the area where he sat and seeing nothing. When I sat back up, he was holding out his phone to me.
“Yeah. I forgot to ask you if you wanted to hang out again sometime.”
The offer completely caught me off guard even though nothing that night made any sense. “Seriously?”
“I don’t know why, but it was really easy being around you. Would you want to?” He held out his phone once again, and I took it.
“Of course,” I said and began putting my cell number into where he opened the form for a new contact.
“I’ll call you…” He said and he did, about 2 weeks after we first met.
He was still a bit quiet that time, but that ended quickly once we began going out for drinks and meals regularly at all different times of the night. That same empty look he had the first night came out a few times, but I figured it was because he was tired after working hard on filming or interviews.
I remember laughing when he told stories about things that he’d seen on sets and sharing my own experiences of my days of acting. At times he’d tease me about reading so often, saying that the face I made while concentrating on a book would give me wrinkles at a young age. I told him that he shouldn’t laugh when his stressful lifestyle would eventually make his hair fall out.
We’d argue about stupid things but at times we’d also talk about things like politics and cultures of other countries.
Every time I was around him, I realized even more how much I was starting to like him. Of course I’d always been attracted to him and I’d always admired him, but it was beginning to become something significant.
About two months into our friendship, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and saw Ryo soaked by the cold winter rain.
“Are you crazy? Why were you out in the rain?”
He body shivered and his teeth chattered. “I n-needed t-to get a-away.”
I pulled him inside and handed him a towel from the bathroom. “I’ll get you some dry clothes.”
He changed into my clothes - a simple t-shirt and sweatpants - and dried his hair as I made him hot tea.
“You should have brought an umbrella, you know.” From the look on his face, I knew he didn’t want to be lectured but I couldn’t help it.
“I should have done a lot of things…” The tone he spoke in hurt me, confused me. Even though we’d talked countless times about a variety of different things, I never understood the meaning behind the strange things he’d say sometimes. I figured it was work-related.
He drank the tea and thanked me a few times. Afterwards, I told him that he could sleep in the guest room. My parents were staying with a relative so I didn’t need to ask them, not that they would have a problem with it anyway. He went upstairs and I sat down on the couch to continue the book I had been reading. It was relaxing to read at night, especially when the moonlight seeped through the window. That night, the moonlight was blocked and instead I listened to the sounds of raindrops hitting the window behind me.
I heard footsteps from the stairs and Ryo came into the room, hesitantly taking a seat next to me. He seemed a bit off, and moments later he suddenly pushed the book down into my lap and hugged me for the first time.
“Why does life suck?” he asked me with a hint of desperation in his quiet voice.
“It depends…what happened?”
He avoided the question, tightening the hold around my shoulders once before pulling back and staring at me. “Lie with me.”
“What?”
He sighed and laid on the cushions next to me, resting his head on my lap. I wasn’t expecting it, but I didn’t say anything to stop him.
“Can I sleep here tonight?”
I looked down at him, still confused, and I hesitantly began to comb my fingers through his black hair. “Until I go up to bed, you can stay here.”
“Thanks…”
He fell asleep shortly after and I continued to read, holding the book in one hand and placing the other on his shoulder. If he doesn’t want to tell me what is wrong, this is the only thing I can do for him, I thought.
When I was ready to go to sleep myself, I marked my place with a bookmark that had the name of my family’s bookstore on it before returning the book to its place on the end table.
His forehead was warm when I touched it, and I ran my fingers through his hair once more.
“Take care of yourself, Ryo.”
Carefully, I replaced my lap with a pillow under his head and draped a blanket over his almost motionless body. I stared at him for a few moments and before leaving, I leaned over and softly kissed the top of his head.
• • •
Just like I did that day, I get up off the couch and shut off the lamp before heading up to bed.
Even though I have moved on, this isn’t the first time I’ve thought about that part of my life.
End of Chapter Two
*Lyrics from beginning are from “Hard Hand to Hold” by Ace Young
A/N: For the purposes of this fic, 1 Litre of Tears is airing in 2009. ^^;