i am lucky
been on partypoker for thirty minutes, and realizing my interest diminishing, i stopped. perhaps i lost several thousands of make-belief money, from my forty-thousand total. it was nicer playing bust-a-move back in residence, for i no longer wish to consider myself as a poker player. i have gambled and won hollow victories, and lost through my inabilities.
i was scouring through my three-hundred pages (and a few) guestbook from the infamous asianavenue. excluding the obvious dominion of spamming by sabina and rebecca, i've come to remember squabbles, moments of laughter, and most importantly, instances where others have cared when i was upset. perhaps i did not read between the lines before, but i do see the change in myself from when i was back in secondary school (particularly 2003) to the present. the respect i have earned and the visualisation (aura may not be the suitable word) others see is extraordinary; i am a brother, an intellectual equal (or senior), a theorist, a romanticist, and a friend.
However, this is the same quality that has driven me to desert sand when it comes to relationships. i admit i have been nothing but a failure in my love life, and perhaps it was meant to be. my intellectual equal would say i am neither a coward nor someone who cannot get through the pain, but even though i want to admit i am like every other troubled teenager/young adult, i will not. i can get over it and did, and greatly appreciate the encouraging comments from everyone. currently, i am in a dilemma again, and for the few that know, i am unsure of what i want. regrettably, i have said before that emotions and feelings should defy logic in love, but now i am having second thoughts.
in my mind, i have no doubt this entry was spurred by my want to be recognized and refreshed in the memories still embedded in those who love me. moreover, i simply want to get this off my chest and discuss it with people who are close to my heart. i may be asking for pity, or for guidance, but who does not want someone there to talk to.
i am lost in my own thoughts, but i wish to say to either friend or foe, i love you. in the end, we are all human and have conflicting and similar thoughts.
i am lucky.
i am blessed.
even though there are times i do not feel it, it is the truth.
i was scouring through my three-hundred pages (and a few) guestbook from the infamous asianavenue. excluding the obvious dominion of spamming by sabina and rebecca, i've come to remember squabbles, moments of laughter, and most importantly, instances where others have cared when i was upset. perhaps i did not read between the lines before, but i do see the change in myself from when i was back in secondary school (particularly 2003) to the present. the respect i have earned and the visualisation (aura may not be the suitable word) others see is extraordinary; i am a brother, an intellectual equal (or senior), a theorist, a romanticist, and a friend.
However, this is the same quality that has driven me to desert sand when it comes to relationships. i admit i have been nothing but a failure in my love life, and perhaps it was meant to be. my intellectual equal would say i am neither a coward nor someone who cannot get through the pain, but even though i want to admit i am like every other troubled teenager/young adult, i will not. i can get over it and did, and greatly appreciate the encouraging comments from everyone. currently, i am in a dilemma again, and for the few that know, i am unsure of what i want. regrettably, i have said before that emotions and feelings should defy logic in love, but now i am having second thoughts.
in my mind, i have no doubt this entry was spurred by my want to be recognized and refreshed in the memories still embedded in those who love me. moreover, i simply want to get this off my chest and discuss it with people who are close to my heart. i may be asking for pity, or for guidance, but who does not want someone there to talk to.
i am lost in my own thoughts, but i wish to say to either friend or foe, i love you. in the end, we are all human and have conflicting and similar thoughts.
i am lucky.
i am blessed.
even though there are times i do not feel it, it is the truth.