Chasing Butterflies, Chapter 20, KaixUruha, ReitaxAoi, RukixNi~ya
Title: Chasing butterflies
Author: yukigafuru
Rating: PG-17
Chapter: 20/25
Pairings: Aoi/Reita, RukixNi~ya, KaixUruha
Bands: Gazette, Nightmare
Warnings: non-graphic underage consensual sex
Genre: angst, romance
Summary: Life is short. You try to catch it and it slips through your fingers. Life is also beautiful. It astounds you at every step. And it only takes one minute, one encounter to change it forever.
Chapter 20
He's never woken up feeling so warm before, he thinks, before finally daring to blink his eyes open and let the cruel light of day wake him up completely. It's still early morning though, so the room is mostly draped in shadows and soft light and he breathes relieved. There is just enough light to make out the features of the boy lying next to him and the culprit for him waking up early. They're entangled together with the covers and with the heater on, the room is too warm and stuffy and he is not a fan of heat. Kai sleeps on undisturbed, even though he self-proclaimed himself to be a morning person, and Uruha huffs at the thought. He hates mornings but on this occasion, not so much as usual. Untangling himself from Kai without waking him is more of a challenge than he feels prepared to take on at the moment and so he opts for just turning the heater off and the air conditioning on. As soon as he feels cool air blowing over his skin he manages to relax a bit more in the covers. His body is lulling him to sleep yet his mind is quite awake, leaving him caught between the two states, all the while gazing at the boy next to him.
Kai is breathtaking, he thinks, and he'd be shocked at his subconscious stray thought if he hadn't already thought that about him consciously many times before. It's not just his features either, with the full lips, long neck, prominent cheek bones, dark hair and perfect nose. It's more about this innocent air he has wrapped around him, even more obvious now that he is asleep than when awake. Uruha would call him an angel, except that's not a proper comparison either. Kai is not ethereally beautiful, like Ruki is, there are marks of pain and loss on his features and in the way he holds himself, but there is so much kindness, so much willingness to live and try harder, that he simply takes your breath away. Uruha considers himself lucky to even know him, let alone be his friend.
He made him worry last night, Uruha continues his train of thought, made him wait in the cold for hours without even a phone call yet here they are sleeping together on the same bed. Anyone else would have cursed him to kingdom come, instead of asking whether they were okay. Kai is a treasure and Uruha wishes he'd be his to treasure. The feeling scares him as much as is calming on some level. It's not a “want”, and neither is it a “necessity”; for now it's just a vagrant wish, something you throw to the sky and stars knowing it probably won't be granted, but hoping all the same.
Kai must like warmth much more than him, because when the air finally grows colder, he slides closer to Uruha, effectively surrounding him. There are legs curling around his thighs, and arms draped around his torso. His chest is close to Uruha's chest and he can actually feel his soft breath on his cheek. Somehow, Uruha doesn't mind so much Kai's body heat, which he can feel even through their clothes.
There's less than a fortnight left until his audition and he should scramble out of bed and start practicing, he tells himself. But with Kai in his arms, he postpones his duties for just a while longer and finally relaxes completely surrounded by Kai's scent. It reminds Uruha of cayenne pepper and ripe yellow melons and cake and the combination should be impossible as well as in-manageable, but Uruha breaths it in and loves its uniqueness, it helping lull him back to slumber.
A few hours later, when he opens his eyes once more, Kai is nowhere to be found, although there is noise coming from the kitchen so Uruha can breathe relieved. He hops in the shower for a few minutes, anxious to feel the warm water wash away yesterday's worries. He may or may not spend a few more minutes than usual in front of the bathroom mirror, styling his hair and using that fragrant cream he wouldn't be caught dead owing to owning, and once in the bedroom again, a few minutes more deciding what to wear. It feels like preparing for a very important date, except that can't be it.
He and Kai are just friends and he doesn't even think of them as anything more. It sounds like something a man in denial would say, but he ignores that thought and finally steps in the kitchen, resolute on not commenting on how Kai looks or even thinking errant thoughts that could imply to there being something more between them.
Unfortunately for him and his resolutions, in the kitchen, Kai is just finishing preparing a perfect specimen of French toast, decorated with whipped cream and strawberries; he's wearing a pink apron Uruha once got from his friend as a joke, and he's humming to the radio while moving his hips slightly from side to side. He looks adorable and sexy in a way that Uruha can't even explain and he realizes that the French toast could be a disaster and he'd still want Kai there cooking it everyday. And it's not for the prank factor either, which would be extremely important if it weren't Kai but Reita in his stead. As it is, he is not just amused, he's left with a longing he doesn't trust himself to spell out yet and immobile in the bedroom door.
It's then that Kai turns, notices him, gives him a brilliant smile and a good morning and Uruha sinks his nails into his arms, nearly drawing blood, to keep himself from rushing over there and enveloping the man in a very awkward hug. Awkward not only because he has no valid reason for doing so but also because -blame adolescence- he has quite a situation brewing in his pants. Instead, he pretends like the whole scene hasn't affected him the slightest -he wishes- and offers his good morning greetings.
“Morning. Thank you for this. I didn't even know I had that stuff in my fridge.”
Kai laughs again and it can't possibly sound like Christmas bells, can it?
“Well, you didn't. I'm surprised there was anything in it at all, that's if you can count expired miso paste and a carton of eggs... You were late in waking up and I had noticed a supermarket close when coming here, so I just popped out for a few minutes and bought a bunch of stuff.” Kai shrugs and smiles again and Uruha curses the dimples because this smile might just be lethal on the cuteness factor. Curious as to what Kai might have bought, he approaches the fridge and takes a look inside, to find it contains many more types of food than originally.
“I can't let you pay for all this. Let me get my wallet, k?” But Kai won't hear of it and insists Uruha pay for it in some other way, if he really feels like it. Resigned, the host sighs and takes up his seat at the table. Surprised to see his guest fidgeting right before finally getting one of those appetizing pieces of bread in his mouth, he remembers.
“Itadakimasu!” But Kai just laughs softly and then confesses.
“No, it's just that I'd like to use the bathroom, if you don't mind.”
Uruha would bang his head against the table if not for the sheer embarrassment factor and the plate currently in front of him, for not thinking that through.
“No, of course not. I have plenty of towels and could manage a change of clothes if you want to take a shower too.” Kai's cheeks get just slightly redder at the suggestion but he nods and accepts the offer. It had been quite warm -and comfy, supplies his brain- last night.
“You go ahead and eat.” Kai urges before slipping in the bedroom.
Uruha remembers some of his manners though and waits for his guest while turning on the coffee maker. He would be surprised Kai hadn't thought about coffee too, except for the fact that coffee makers are quite rare still in Japan and Kai had probably been scared to use it for fear of breaking it. Uruha doesn't have a kettle for boiling water, either.
By the time Kai steps out of the bedroom, his hair sticking to his face making him look even younger and more ethereal than usual, the coffee is done and waiting in two cups on the table. They both settle for their breakfasts and the silence is comfortable and peaceful. The toast is divine, just as Uruha thought it would be, and its sweetness coupled with the slight bitterness of the coffee offers the perfect breakfast balance. He jokes about it with Kai, mumbling:
“Marry me?” And it would be funny how Kai's eyes grow wide and warm just before he bursts into laughter except that Uruha can't shake the feeling that his voice conveyed more than the words to a joke.
“Just so I can feed you every day?” Kai comes back with a vengeance. “Tough luck, mister, I'm quite posh and I need more than that proposition.” Uruha sputters his coffee and shakes his head at his friend. They're just friends, he tells himself, friends who flirt from time to time, but just friends. It feels different though and his brain is permanently shutting up his heart. It takes quite the effort.
“What shall we do today?” Uruha asks as a way to flee his inner monologue.
“I want to pass by the hospital and check on the guys... We could meet later and do something?” He suggests. Still, Uruha is not quite ready to let him go yet.
“How about we walk there? It's about an hour away and we can pass by the temple for a stroll and a prayer. How does that sound?” Uruha proposes instead and Kai agrees enthusiastically.
Tsukiji early in the morning is crammed with fishers and restaurant owners, tourists and everyday people out for breakfast. By eight, the multitude disperses a little, only to reconvene at lunch hour. Uruha enjoys quite a bit people-watching on those early mornings; he gets the impression that life is nothing more than a wave swelling and retreating, each a cluster of water drops, every drop a congregation of molecules and atoms.
Due to the fact that they overslept, the roads aren't too heavily populated by the time they leave Uruha's place and head for the Sumiyoshi shrine and then the National Cancer Center Hospital. Uruha knows a few other temples and shrines in the area, since he enjoys the peace he often finds in their gardens, but temples sometimes evoke bad memories, he reckons, and decides on the quaint little shrine instead.
It's a beautiful winter morning, with clear blue skies and just a few naughty clouds voyaging on that bright crystal sea. The sun shines in all its glory and it feels more like early spring than winter, although there are barren trees here and there and forgotten reminders of Christmas. Valentine's Day is still pretty new to Japan so not all shops are adorned with the traditional hearts and angels, but here and there, when looking through the window glasses of stylish coffee shops, Uruha can see the special heart-shaped cakes and elaborately designed present bags and he feels a flutter somewhere down in his stomach. His competition will be a bit earlier than that, he remembers.
The shrine has been recently repainted and looks just as gay as Uruha remembers it. They take a seat on one of the boulders in the garden, look at the doves flocking in search of scraps of bread, hear the morning's rush hour sounds that penetrate even the walls of this sanctuary while they listen to the silence of the shrine. This early in the morning, there is no one else paying their homages and Kai and Uruha can just relax and breath in the air. It's not fresh by any means - the air around Tsukiji is almost always brimming with the smell of fish or of the food the restaurants cook- but it is full of life, like nowhere else in Tokyo.
Somehow, by sheer accident, they end up holding hands when sitting on that old, polished clean boulder, and even though they're both slightly flustered, neither makes a move to let go. It feels like friendship, companionship and a taste of something else...
Towards ten o'clock, they finally make it to the hospital. Kai buys cocoa milk cartons from the vending machines for the kids and Uruha gets them candies. They both head towards the upper floor and the kids ward first, knowing that Satoru, due to the change in his condition has been moved to a private room. They intend to head there later and stay a bit longer. Uruha brought his violin and thinks about playing for the ill child as a present.
Instead of the happy faces -it always shocks Uruha how children with this condition can still look so happy, carefree and innocent - they expected to see they are met with teary cheeks and sad expressions. Kai's heart clenches madly and Uruha's body coils in preparation for the bad news.
Kai sits on one little girl's bed, hugs her briefly and pats her back asking what's happened. The news is worse than Uruha had expected.
“Satoru-kun... he...” the girl sniffles and her words are barely intelligible, but anyone could fill in the blanks. There are tears in Kai's eyes and he refuses to look at Uruha.
“When?” Kai asks, and the girl shrugs her shoulders. A nurse's voice coming from behind them informs that it was just this morning.
Kai rushes out of the room and towards the private ward where his little friend had spent his last days, but the nurse stops him before he can step a foot in.
“Let me talk with the parents first, alright?” She rubs his arm but gets no reaction and goes in. Uruha has trailed behind them and finally puts a palm on Kai's right shoulder. He's trying to offer comfort, seeing Kai's tense back and imagining the pain and loss he must feel. It turns out Kai's feelings are much darker than that. He shrugs Uruha's hand and turns to face him. Uruha has never been looked at with so much pain and hate and that gaze coming from Kai is like a bullet passing through flesh, hurts like nothing he has ever experienced even before hearing the words spilling out of the young man.
“It's your fault that I wasn't here!” He blames Uruha and even though it's completely irrational, it hurts. “I would have been here this morning if not for you. I wouldn't have missed yet another...” He cuts himself off.
Uruha can fill in the blanks. His parents must have prevented Kai being there when his little brother had passed away also. Not being there before the end for his little brother, and now for Satoru, must be so painful for the other man, that he resorted to blaming himself and now Uruha for it.
“There is nothing you could have done.” Are the words that spill out, words that Uruha knows immediately are the wrong thing to say.
“I could have been here. I wasn't and I'm left hating myself and hating you for it.” Kai turns towards the door from which the nurse now comes out and nods. He can go in.
But Uruha can't let him go like that. Everything inside him is wrapped in a cloud of pain and confusion. He can't make sense of where the bright morning has gone to, where the easy laughter and warm looks have disappeared, when his friend Kai has been replaced with this person he does not know. So he tries to grab Kai and turn him around but the other violently shakes him off and hisses.
“Leave, Uruha. I never want to see you again.”
He hadn't imagined anything could hurt worse than the previous words but he had obviously been wrong because now, he can't even stand from the pain. It's illogical and unexpected, completely out of the blue. Not ten minutes have passed since the last time Kai smiled wide and happy at him, since he had had to convince himself there is nothing more between them but the purest friendship, and now, all that has simply been blown away like leaves in the wind.
There are benches in the hallway and Uruha collapses on one of them. The world around him seems misty and unfocussed and he realizes that's because of his ragged breathing and elevated heart rate. He takes a few minutes to calm himself and he must look so wretched that another nurse approaches and asks him if he is okay. He can't answer her, there's a fist lodged in his throat, preventing him from making any noise except animal-like little grunts and sighs but he manages to shoo her away.
He knows Kai won't come out for a while, and he doubts that he should be there for that anyway. He doesn't know if he can handle more battering today and he can't even bring himself to hope that Kai would have changed his mind by then. Not after all that had been said. So Uruha painstakingly picks himself up and walks out of the hospital.
At first, he makes towards Reita's house, needing to confide in his friend, but on the train, watching unseeingly as the stations flash one after the other, he realizes he doesn't want Reita worried. And he probably looks too much of a mess for Reita not to fret. He can't be the cause of another friend's pain and then he remembers Ruki. He should be checking on him anyway, seeing if he was alright, and maybe just maybe he can confide in him too.
He has to change a few lines to reach the tation and it offers him the necessary amount of time to get himself together at least to the point where he doesn't freak out Ruki even more. By the time he has reached Ruki's front door, he imagines he has got his expression under control.
“Uru...” Ruki mumbles while rubbing sleep out of his eyes, before taking a good look at him. Then, it's like his friend has been dozed with ice, because he drags him in and panicked asks “What's wrong? Are you alright?”
Uruha would love to collapse in his arms like Ruki had done the day before, except he has no right to do so. He isn't and wasn't in love with Kai, they were just friends, barely that, and people betray each other all the time -look at his family, for Chrissakes. This really shouldn't hurt as much as it does, and Uruha forces everything in, takes a shuddering breath, collapses on the couch and attempts to forget it all. Ruki catches him in the act.
“Don't do that!” He sits down next to Uruha and puts his small palm on his thigh. “Just tell me.” He urges.
Yet Uruha can't and he suspects it's because telling someone about it would just make everything more real, make the pain even more piercing, heart-shattering, and he can't handle himself breaking apart like that. Especially not now nor here. So he does something he hadn't imagined himself doing. His fingers trail upwards, from Ruki's wrist, to his neck and then curl in the soft hair there. He looks at Ruki then and he must look even more wrecked than he imagines himself because Ruki gasps and Uruha doesn't want to hear the soft consoling words that will surely come out. He feels torn apart and unstable and he just needs something to latch on to.
So he surges forward and kisses Ruki with everything he has. It's not elegant by any means. Their teeth clash and Uruha tastes blood, the kiss is hard and frantic, Uruha taking what he needs from his friend while Ruki just tries to pacify him with soft nips and whispered half-words. He doesn't want to hear them so he presses more, his tongue invades Ruki's soft mouth and plunders, entangles with the other slick appendage and lures it into a violent passionate dance. They're both breathing ragged by the time Uruha trails bruising kisses down Ruki's lithe neck, leaving angry marks behind. Ruki whispers a litany of his name and Uruha is hard in his pants. He glances up for an instant and is awed by Ruki's beauty.
He looks like a debauched angel, his hair pointing in all directions, his lips red and puffy because of their kissing, his breathing uneven and cheeks flushed. Ruki is aroused too, Uruha guesses and checks by dragging his left hand to Ruki's covered crotch. Ruki is half-hard and hot, Uruha can feel the heat even under the pajamas and realizes he wants that hardness for him, he wants that warmth to surround him again.
He doesn't realize that he just said `again` because he was thinking about being wrapped up in sheets with Kai, about Kai's morning smile and his dimples. Or perhaps he does but is so quick in putting it all away that it doesn't even register consciously anymore. All he knows is that there is this fire-like substance called want rushing through his veins and he wants to give in to it like he has never wanted anything else before.
Ruki doesn't seem to be complaining either. They are both teenagers and it's been quite a while for the both of them, especially after getting wound up quite a few times lately without getting release. And they both carry their hurts with them, like invisible cloaks attached to their skins, letting them view the world but preventing anyone else from reaching them. Uruha sighs in the passionate embrace and presses closer.
His hands slip behind Ruki and lever him up from the couch and into his lap. They are now brushing against each other and the hard pace is maddeningly erotic and fulfilling. Neither of them is just half hard anymore and both their shirts have mysteriously disappeared. Warm palms and hot tongues, soft lips are chasing shadows down each other's chests and hands are gripping skin and cloth. Their dance gets more fevered by the minute and it only takes a few more minutes before they both explode inside their clothes, holding on to each other. Uruha lets his body recline better in the sofa, with Ruki still on top, their breaths wonderfully out of sink.
The fever has finally gone down and all that is left is a bone-deep relaxation Uruha had not pictured himself encountering here or in this manner amidst soft pettings and caresses. Ruki kisses his neck and just below his ear and Uruha shudders at the sensation. It feels more intimate than the orgasm they had just shared and he doesn't want to question it.
Their skin gradually cools off and soon they will have to get off the couch and put their shirts back on. He will also have to explain his actions not only to Ruki but to himself as well and he is not looking forward to that. Being still plastered together Ruki must sense the tenseness in his arms and he kisses his jaw again, before raising his gaze to his own.
“It's okay. You don't have to say anything yet. Let's go to the bedroom.” Ruki says and then entangles himself from Uruha, gets up then drags him to the bedroom, to the same bed he had been in just yesterday. It would be deja-vu except that the bone-deep pain from before is back and Uruha knows he has never felt pain like this before.
They cuddle together on the big soft bed and the scrambled mess of emotions inside him finally untangles and lets him share his pain with Ruki. He tells him everything, how he and Kai met, what he likes about him, how he thought they were good friends, what he felt when he held him in his arms, how it hurt to be reviled by him. Ruki listens to it all and at the end, he only tightens the ring of his arms and mumbles:
“You love him, that's why it hurts so much.” He sighs then continues, more to himself than to Uruha. “What a pair we make.”
His words take some time to register but when they do, Uruha shudders. “I can't love him.” More of a plea than a fact and he must be aware of it too for he cringes. “I can't, not now, not when I'm leaving soon.” And then he remembers about the competition and practicing and makes to get out of bed.
“What's set your tushy on fire?” Ruki asks and raises an eyebrow. Then, Uruha has to confess to his not so small nicely-kept secret. Ruki is not as mad as Reita would have been and he seems to understand Uruha's reasons for keeping it to himself for the moment, but he still gets ripped a new one by his friend. Fact is no matter what, his friends want to be there besides him, especially since they are confident he'd win, Ruki says.
Ruki's reproach only reminds Uruha of the fact that Kai will probably not be coming and that he isn't sure that he'll be able to stand up there and play such a heart-wrenching song without his support, without anyone's support. Ruki must reed something along those lines on his face, because he all of a sudden declares:
“Right! We're all going!” And makes for the phone.
Uruha races to cut him off, imagining that he will be calling Reita.
“No, you can't! He's gonna be so mad at me for hiding it and I couldn't take that right now.” He pleads. Ruki seems to think it through for a while but then decides to go through with it anyway. While dialing the number, he explains.
“Let me handle it. You need us there and we want to be there. End of story!” The conversation trails there because someone picks up on the other side and Uruha has to listen to just one part of the conversation. In the end, Ruki seems to have gracefully wound the other two around his finger, and as predicted, they will all be in attendance.
When he puts down the phone, Uruha rushes to hug him. It really feels like some weight has been lifted off his chest to know that three of his most important people would support him through and through. While the other one...
“He'll come around, you know.” Ruki predicts, seeing the shadow pass over Uruha's features.
“Kai? I doubt it. I've never seen so much hate before, and especially not aimed at me before.”
Ruki shrugs. “Hurt and hate, they look quite similar at first.” He must know what he is talking about, considering the mess he is going through with Ni~ya himself, and so his words manage to give Uruha some strength back.
“Would you have reacted the same way if Ni~ya were not on the other side of the world?” The last thing he wanted to do was drench up painful feelings, that could not have become memories yet for they were only a couple hours old, yet he needs to ask this. Ruki's lips corners fall and his eyes take on a haunted look, but his stance does not falter. He has somehow managed to find the strength to pull through, Uruha thinks.
“I might have. I would have certainly kicked his ass. You were right yesterday, you know? I needed to trust myself or get over him, and fast, and in the end, I settled for waiting a bit more. I'm giving him a deadline sort of say: the end of this year. It can be shortened, but not lengthened and I certainly hope I won't have to wait that long. It's my turn to be right now.” He declares.
“I really should get back and practice.” Uruha rouses himself once more.
“Nonsense. We should both stay here, cuddle some more, watch some crap tv and just laze around.”
“Is that ok?” He is obviously too vague because Ruki just cutely angles his head. Now that he thinks of it, Ruki does look like a cute fluffy cat sometimes. “What we did earlier, and cuddling... Since you're not giving up on Ni~ya and I don't want to screw things up.” He sais, his feet restlessly waiting the response, while his fingers are playing with each other and the hems of his shirt. Ruki catches on to his nervousness and grasps one hand in his.
“I never promised Ni~ya to be faithful, and that wasn't exactly sex either. Sometimes you just need a warm body next to you, and sometimes you need a bit more. You didn't force me to do anything and neither did the lust override my head or something. We're fine, great actually. I'm glad to have got a friend like you, Uru.” Ruki honestly replies. The truth of his words and of his emotions shines in his eyes and Uruha is grateful, more than he can express. Instead of words, he hugs the little man to death.
A/N: It's been so long since I last posted. The delay has been necessary though because I had a tough time figuring out where I wanted this to go. I have managed to write the next two chapters though, in my quest for the perfect resolution, so the next few posts should be more regular. Depends on the commenting (shrugs).
On that note, I would like to thank all those that are reading and especially those that are commenting. Life is a mess, I have so many things to do I can't even contemplate them all, and writing is a luxury a lot of times. The beautiful comments are what keep this fic getting posted, so a big thank you to you guys.
Many squishes, and as always, bunnies are addicted to the feedback. It's like crack, really, so please don't hesitate to supply it. Many squishes.
Author: yukigafuru
Rating: PG-17
Chapter: 20/25
Pairings: Aoi/Reita, RukixNi~ya, KaixUruha
Bands: Gazette, Nightmare
Warnings: non-graphic underage consensual sex
Genre: angst, romance
Summary: Life is short. You try to catch it and it slips through your fingers. Life is also beautiful. It astounds you at every step. And it only takes one minute, one encounter to change it forever.
Chapter 20
He's never woken up feeling so warm before, he thinks, before finally daring to blink his eyes open and let the cruel light of day wake him up completely. It's still early morning though, so the room is mostly draped in shadows and soft light and he breathes relieved. There is just enough light to make out the features of the boy lying next to him and the culprit for him waking up early. They're entangled together with the covers and with the heater on, the room is too warm and stuffy and he is not a fan of heat. Kai sleeps on undisturbed, even though he self-proclaimed himself to be a morning person, and Uruha huffs at the thought. He hates mornings but on this occasion, not so much as usual. Untangling himself from Kai without waking him is more of a challenge than he feels prepared to take on at the moment and so he opts for just turning the heater off and the air conditioning on. As soon as he feels cool air blowing over his skin he manages to relax a bit more in the covers. His body is lulling him to sleep yet his mind is quite awake, leaving him caught between the two states, all the while gazing at the boy next to him.
Kai is breathtaking, he thinks, and he'd be shocked at his subconscious stray thought if he hadn't already thought that about him consciously many times before. It's not just his features either, with the full lips, long neck, prominent cheek bones, dark hair and perfect nose. It's more about this innocent air he has wrapped around him, even more obvious now that he is asleep than when awake. Uruha would call him an angel, except that's not a proper comparison either. Kai is not ethereally beautiful, like Ruki is, there are marks of pain and loss on his features and in the way he holds himself, but there is so much kindness, so much willingness to live and try harder, that he simply takes your breath away. Uruha considers himself lucky to even know him, let alone be his friend.
He made him worry last night, Uruha continues his train of thought, made him wait in the cold for hours without even a phone call yet here they are sleeping together on the same bed. Anyone else would have cursed him to kingdom come, instead of asking whether they were okay. Kai is a treasure and Uruha wishes he'd be his to treasure. The feeling scares him as much as is calming on some level. It's not a “want”, and neither is it a “necessity”; for now it's just a vagrant wish, something you throw to the sky and stars knowing it probably won't be granted, but hoping all the same.
Kai must like warmth much more than him, because when the air finally grows colder, he slides closer to Uruha, effectively surrounding him. There are legs curling around his thighs, and arms draped around his torso. His chest is close to Uruha's chest and he can actually feel his soft breath on his cheek. Somehow, Uruha doesn't mind so much Kai's body heat, which he can feel even through their clothes.
There's less than a fortnight left until his audition and he should scramble out of bed and start practicing, he tells himself. But with Kai in his arms, he postpones his duties for just a while longer and finally relaxes completely surrounded by Kai's scent. It reminds Uruha of cayenne pepper and ripe yellow melons and cake and the combination should be impossible as well as in-manageable, but Uruha breaths it in and loves its uniqueness, it helping lull him back to slumber.
A few hours later, when he opens his eyes once more, Kai is nowhere to be found, although there is noise coming from the kitchen so Uruha can breathe relieved. He hops in the shower for a few minutes, anxious to feel the warm water wash away yesterday's worries. He may or may not spend a few more minutes than usual in front of the bathroom mirror, styling his hair and using that fragrant cream he wouldn't be caught dead owing to owning, and once in the bedroom again, a few minutes more deciding what to wear. It feels like preparing for a very important date, except that can't be it.
He and Kai are just friends and he doesn't even think of them as anything more. It sounds like something a man in denial would say, but he ignores that thought and finally steps in the kitchen, resolute on not commenting on how Kai looks or even thinking errant thoughts that could imply to there being something more between them.
Unfortunately for him and his resolutions, in the kitchen, Kai is just finishing preparing a perfect specimen of French toast, decorated with whipped cream and strawberries; he's wearing a pink apron Uruha once got from his friend as a joke, and he's humming to the radio while moving his hips slightly from side to side. He looks adorable and sexy in a way that Uruha can't even explain and he realizes that the French toast could be a disaster and he'd still want Kai there cooking it everyday. And it's not for the prank factor either, which would be extremely important if it weren't Kai but Reita in his stead. As it is, he is not just amused, he's left with a longing he doesn't trust himself to spell out yet and immobile in the bedroom door.
It's then that Kai turns, notices him, gives him a brilliant smile and a good morning and Uruha sinks his nails into his arms, nearly drawing blood, to keep himself from rushing over there and enveloping the man in a very awkward hug. Awkward not only because he has no valid reason for doing so but also because -blame adolescence- he has quite a situation brewing in his pants. Instead, he pretends like the whole scene hasn't affected him the slightest -he wishes- and offers his good morning greetings.
“Morning. Thank you for this. I didn't even know I had that stuff in my fridge.”
Kai laughs again and it can't possibly sound like Christmas bells, can it?
“Well, you didn't. I'm surprised there was anything in it at all, that's if you can count expired miso paste and a carton of eggs... You were late in waking up and I had noticed a supermarket close when coming here, so I just popped out for a few minutes and bought a bunch of stuff.” Kai shrugs and smiles again and Uruha curses the dimples because this smile might just be lethal on the cuteness factor. Curious as to what Kai might have bought, he approaches the fridge and takes a look inside, to find it contains many more types of food than originally.
“I can't let you pay for all this. Let me get my wallet, k?” But Kai won't hear of it and insists Uruha pay for it in some other way, if he really feels like it. Resigned, the host sighs and takes up his seat at the table. Surprised to see his guest fidgeting right before finally getting one of those appetizing pieces of bread in his mouth, he remembers.
“Itadakimasu!” But Kai just laughs softly and then confesses.
“No, it's just that I'd like to use the bathroom, if you don't mind.”
Uruha would bang his head against the table if not for the sheer embarrassment factor and the plate currently in front of him, for not thinking that through.
“No, of course not. I have plenty of towels and could manage a change of clothes if you want to take a shower too.” Kai's cheeks get just slightly redder at the suggestion but he nods and accepts the offer. It had been quite warm -and comfy, supplies his brain- last night.
“You go ahead and eat.” Kai urges before slipping in the bedroom.
Uruha remembers some of his manners though and waits for his guest while turning on the coffee maker. He would be surprised Kai hadn't thought about coffee too, except for the fact that coffee makers are quite rare still in Japan and Kai had probably been scared to use it for fear of breaking it. Uruha doesn't have a kettle for boiling water, either.
By the time Kai steps out of the bedroom, his hair sticking to his face making him look even younger and more ethereal than usual, the coffee is done and waiting in two cups on the table. They both settle for their breakfasts and the silence is comfortable and peaceful. The toast is divine, just as Uruha thought it would be, and its sweetness coupled with the slight bitterness of the coffee offers the perfect breakfast balance. He jokes about it with Kai, mumbling:
“Marry me?” And it would be funny how Kai's eyes grow wide and warm just before he bursts into laughter except that Uruha can't shake the feeling that his voice conveyed more than the words to a joke.
“Just so I can feed you every day?” Kai comes back with a vengeance. “Tough luck, mister, I'm quite posh and I need more than that proposition.” Uruha sputters his coffee and shakes his head at his friend. They're just friends, he tells himself, friends who flirt from time to time, but just friends. It feels different though and his brain is permanently shutting up his heart. It takes quite the effort.
“What shall we do today?” Uruha asks as a way to flee his inner monologue.
“I want to pass by the hospital and check on the guys... We could meet later and do something?” He suggests. Still, Uruha is not quite ready to let him go yet.
“How about we walk there? It's about an hour away and we can pass by the temple for a stroll and a prayer. How does that sound?” Uruha proposes instead and Kai agrees enthusiastically.
Tsukiji early in the morning is crammed with fishers and restaurant owners, tourists and everyday people out for breakfast. By eight, the multitude disperses a little, only to reconvene at lunch hour. Uruha enjoys quite a bit people-watching on those early mornings; he gets the impression that life is nothing more than a wave swelling and retreating, each a cluster of water drops, every drop a congregation of molecules and atoms.
Due to the fact that they overslept, the roads aren't too heavily populated by the time they leave Uruha's place and head for the Sumiyoshi shrine and then the National Cancer Center Hospital. Uruha knows a few other temples and shrines in the area, since he enjoys the peace he often finds in their gardens, but temples sometimes evoke bad memories, he reckons, and decides on the quaint little shrine instead.
It's a beautiful winter morning, with clear blue skies and just a few naughty clouds voyaging on that bright crystal sea. The sun shines in all its glory and it feels more like early spring than winter, although there are barren trees here and there and forgotten reminders of Christmas. Valentine's Day is still pretty new to Japan so not all shops are adorned with the traditional hearts and angels, but here and there, when looking through the window glasses of stylish coffee shops, Uruha can see the special heart-shaped cakes and elaborately designed present bags and he feels a flutter somewhere down in his stomach. His competition will be a bit earlier than that, he remembers.
The shrine has been recently repainted and looks just as gay as Uruha remembers it. They take a seat on one of the boulders in the garden, look at the doves flocking in search of scraps of bread, hear the morning's rush hour sounds that penetrate even the walls of this sanctuary while they listen to the silence of the shrine. This early in the morning, there is no one else paying their homages and Kai and Uruha can just relax and breath in the air. It's not fresh by any means - the air around Tsukiji is almost always brimming with the smell of fish or of the food the restaurants cook- but it is full of life, like nowhere else in Tokyo.
Somehow, by sheer accident, they end up holding hands when sitting on that old, polished clean boulder, and even though they're both slightly flustered, neither makes a move to let go. It feels like friendship, companionship and a taste of something else...
Towards ten o'clock, they finally make it to the hospital. Kai buys cocoa milk cartons from the vending machines for the kids and Uruha gets them candies. They both head towards the upper floor and the kids ward first, knowing that Satoru, due to the change in his condition has been moved to a private room. They intend to head there later and stay a bit longer. Uruha brought his violin and thinks about playing for the ill child as a present.
Instead of the happy faces -it always shocks Uruha how children with this condition can still look so happy, carefree and innocent - they expected to see they are met with teary cheeks and sad expressions. Kai's heart clenches madly and Uruha's body coils in preparation for the bad news.
Kai sits on one little girl's bed, hugs her briefly and pats her back asking what's happened. The news is worse than Uruha had expected.
“Satoru-kun... he...” the girl sniffles and her words are barely intelligible, but anyone could fill in the blanks. There are tears in Kai's eyes and he refuses to look at Uruha.
“When?” Kai asks, and the girl shrugs her shoulders. A nurse's voice coming from behind them informs that it was just this morning.
Kai rushes out of the room and towards the private ward where his little friend had spent his last days, but the nurse stops him before he can step a foot in.
“Let me talk with the parents first, alright?” She rubs his arm but gets no reaction and goes in. Uruha has trailed behind them and finally puts a palm on Kai's right shoulder. He's trying to offer comfort, seeing Kai's tense back and imagining the pain and loss he must feel. It turns out Kai's feelings are much darker than that. He shrugs Uruha's hand and turns to face him. Uruha has never been looked at with so much pain and hate and that gaze coming from Kai is like a bullet passing through flesh, hurts like nothing he has ever experienced even before hearing the words spilling out of the young man.
“It's your fault that I wasn't here!” He blames Uruha and even though it's completely irrational, it hurts. “I would have been here this morning if not for you. I wouldn't have missed yet another...” He cuts himself off.
Uruha can fill in the blanks. His parents must have prevented Kai being there when his little brother had passed away also. Not being there before the end for his little brother, and now for Satoru, must be so painful for the other man, that he resorted to blaming himself and now Uruha for it.
“There is nothing you could have done.” Are the words that spill out, words that Uruha knows immediately are the wrong thing to say.
“I could have been here. I wasn't and I'm left hating myself and hating you for it.” Kai turns towards the door from which the nurse now comes out and nods. He can go in.
But Uruha can't let him go like that. Everything inside him is wrapped in a cloud of pain and confusion. He can't make sense of where the bright morning has gone to, where the easy laughter and warm looks have disappeared, when his friend Kai has been replaced with this person he does not know. So he tries to grab Kai and turn him around but the other violently shakes him off and hisses.
“Leave, Uruha. I never want to see you again.”
He hadn't imagined anything could hurt worse than the previous words but he had obviously been wrong because now, he can't even stand from the pain. It's illogical and unexpected, completely out of the blue. Not ten minutes have passed since the last time Kai smiled wide and happy at him, since he had had to convince himself there is nothing more between them but the purest friendship, and now, all that has simply been blown away like leaves in the wind.
There are benches in the hallway and Uruha collapses on one of them. The world around him seems misty and unfocussed and he realizes that's because of his ragged breathing and elevated heart rate. He takes a few minutes to calm himself and he must look so wretched that another nurse approaches and asks him if he is okay. He can't answer her, there's a fist lodged in his throat, preventing him from making any noise except animal-like little grunts and sighs but he manages to shoo her away.
He knows Kai won't come out for a while, and he doubts that he should be there for that anyway. He doesn't know if he can handle more battering today and he can't even bring himself to hope that Kai would have changed his mind by then. Not after all that had been said. So Uruha painstakingly picks himself up and walks out of the hospital.
At first, he makes towards Reita's house, needing to confide in his friend, but on the train, watching unseeingly as the stations flash one after the other, he realizes he doesn't want Reita worried. And he probably looks too much of a mess for Reita not to fret. He can't be the cause of another friend's pain and then he remembers Ruki. He should be checking on him anyway, seeing if he was alright, and maybe just maybe he can confide in him too.
He has to change a few lines to reach the tation and it offers him the necessary amount of time to get himself together at least to the point where he doesn't freak out Ruki even more. By the time he has reached Ruki's front door, he imagines he has got his expression under control.
“Uru...” Ruki mumbles while rubbing sleep out of his eyes, before taking a good look at him. Then, it's like his friend has been dozed with ice, because he drags him in and panicked asks “What's wrong? Are you alright?”
Uruha would love to collapse in his arms like Ruki had done the day before, except he has no right to do so. He isn't and wasn't in love with Kai, they were just friends, barely that, and people betray each other all the time -look at his family, for Chrissakes. This really shouldn't hurt as much as it does, and Uruha forces everything in, takes a shuddering breath, collapses on the couch and attempts to forget it all. Ruki catches him in the act.
“Don't do that!” He sits down next to Uruha and puts his small palm on his thigh. “Just tell me.” He urges.
Yet Uruha can't and he suspects it's because telling someone about it would just make everything more real, make the pain even more piercing, heart-shattering, and he can't handle himself breaking apart like that. Especially not now nor here. So he does something he hadn't imagined himself doing. His fingers trail upwards, from Ruki's wrist, to his neck and then curl in the soft hair there. He looks at Ruki then and he must look even more wrecked than he imagines himself because Ruki gasps and Uruha doesn't want to hear the soft consoling words that will surely come out. He feels torn apart and unstable and he just needs something to latch on to.
So he surges forward and kisses Ruki with everything he has. It's not elegant by any means. Their teeth clash and Uruha tastes blood, the kiss is hard and frantic, Uruha taking what he needs from his friend while Ruki just tries to pacify him with soft nips and whispered half-words. He doesn't want to hear them so he presses more, his tongue invades Ruki's soft mouth and plunders, entangles with the other slick appendage and lures it into a violent passionate dance. They're both breathing ragged by the time Uruha trails bruising kisses down Ruki's lithe neck, leaving angry marks behind. Ruki whispers a litany of his name and Uruha is hard in his pants. He glances up for an instant and is awed by Ruki's beauty.
He looks like a debauched angel, his hair pointing in all directions, his lips red and puffy because of their kissing, his breathing uneven and cheeks flushed. Ruki is aroused too, Uruha guesses and checks by dragging his left hand to Ruki's covered crotch. Ruki is half-hard and hot, Uruha can feel the heat even under the pajamas and realizes he wants that hardness for him, he wants that warmth to surround him again.
He doesn't realize that he just said `again` because he was thinking about being wrapped up in sheets with Kai, about Kai's morning smile and his dimples. Or perhaps he does but is so quick in putting it all away that it doesn't even register consciously anymore. All he knows is that there is this fire-like substance called want rushing through his veins and he wants to give in to it like he has never wanted anything else before.
Ruki doesn't seem to be complaining either. They are both teenagers and it's been quite a while for the both of them, especially after getting wound up quite a few times lately without getting release. And they both carry their hurts with them, like invisible cloaks attached to their skins, letting them view the world but preventing anyone else from reaching them. Uruha sighs in the passionate embrace and presses closer.
His hands slip behind Ruki and lever him up from the couch and into his lap. They are now brushing against each other and the hard pace is maddeningly erotic and fulfilling. Neither of them is just half hard anymore and both their shirts have mysteriously disappeared. Warm palms and hot tongues, soft lips are chasing shadows down each other's chests and hands are gripping skin and cloth. Their dance gets more fevered by the minute and it only takes a few more minutes before they both explode inside their clothes, holding on to each other. Uruha lets his body recline better in the sofa, with Ruki still on top, their breaths wonderfully out of sink.
The fever has finally gone down and all that is left is a bone-deep relaxation Uruha had not pictured himself encountering here or in this manner amidst soft pettings and caresses. Ruki kisses his neck and just below his ear and Uruha shudders at the sensation. It feels more intimate than the orgasm they had just shared and he doesn't want to question it.
Their skin gradually cools off and soon they will have to get off the couch and put their shirts back on. He will also have to explain his actions not only to Ruki but to himself as well and he is not looking forward to that. Being still plastered together Ruki must sense the tenseness in his arms and he kisses his jaw again, before raising his gaze to his own.
“It's okay. You don't have to say anything yet. Let's go to the bedroom.” Ruki says and then entangles himself from Uruha, gets up then drags him to the bedroom, to the same bed he had been in just yesterday. It would be deja-vu except that the bone-deep pain from before is back and Uruha knows he has never felt pain like this before.
They cuddle together on the big soft bed and the scrambled mess of emotions inside him finally untangles and lets him share his pain with Ruki. He tells him everything, how he and Kai met, what he likes about him, how he thought they were good friends, what he felt when he held him in his arms, how it hurt to be reviled by him. Ruki listens to it all and at the end, he only tightens the ring of his arms and mumbles:
“You love him, that's why it hurts so much.” He sighs then continues, more to himself than to Uruha. “What a pair we make.”
His words take some time to register but when they do, Uruha shudders. “I can't love him.” More of a plea than a fact and he must be aware of it too for he cringes. “I can't, not now, not when I'm leaving soon.” And then he remembers about the competition and practicing and makes to get out of bed.
“What's set your tushy on fire?” Ruki asks and raises an eyebrow. Then, Uruha has to confess to his not so small nicely-kept secret. Ruki is not as mad as Reita would have been and he seems to understand Uruha's reasons for keeping it to himself for the moment, but he still gets ripped a new one by his friend. Fact is no matter what, his friends want to be there besides him, especially since they are confident he'd win, Ruki says.
Ruki's reproach only reminds Uruha of the fact that Kai will probably not be coming and that he isn't sure that he'll be able to stand up there and play such a heart-wrenching song without his support, without anyone's support. Ruki must reed something along those lines on his face, because he all of a sudden declares:
“Right! We're all going!” And makes for the phone.
Uruha races to cut him off, imagining that he will be calling Reita.
“No, you can't! He's gonna be so mad at me for hiding it and I couldn't take that right now.” He pleads. Ruki seems to think it through for a while but then decides to go through with it anyway. While dialing the number, he explains.
“Let me handle it. You need us there and we want to be there. End of story!” The conversation trails there because someone picks up on the other side and Uruha has to listen to just one part of the conversation. In the end, Ruki seems to have gracefully wound the other two around his finger, and as predicted, they will all be in attendance.
When he puts down the phone, Uruha rushes to hug him. It really feels like some weight has been lifted off his chest to know that three of his most important people would support him through and through. While the other one...
“He'll come around, you know.” Ruki predicts, seeing the shadow pass over Uruha's features.
“Kai? I doubt it. I've never seen so much hate before, and especially not aimed at me before.”
Ruki shrugs. “Hurt and hate, they look quite similar at first.” He must know what he is talking about, considering the mess he is going through with Ni~ya himself, and so his words manage to give Uruha some strength back.
“Would you have reacted the same way if Ni~ya were not on the other side of the world?” The last thing he wanted to do was drench up painful feelings, that could not have become memories yet for they were only a couple hours old, yet he needs to ask this. Ruki's lips corners fall and his eyes take on a haunted look, but his stance does not falter. He has somehow managed to find the strength to pull through, Uruha thinks.
“I might have. I would have certainly kicked his ass. You were right yesterday, you know? I needed to trust myself or get over him, and fast, and in the end, I settled for waiting a bit more. I'm giving him a deadline sort of say: the end of this year. It can be shortened, but not lengthened and I certainly hope I won't have to wait that long. It's my turn to be right now.” He declares.
“I really should get back and practice.” Uruha rouses himself once more.
“Nonsense. We should both stay here, cuddle some more, watch some crap tv and just laze around.”
“Is that ok?” He is obviously too vague because Ruki just cutely angles his head. Now that he thinks of it, Ruki does look like a cute fluffy cat sometimes. “What we did earlier, and cuddling... Since you're not giving up on Ni~ya and I don't want to screw things up.” He sais, his feet restlessly waiting the response, while his fingers are playing with each other and the hems of his shirt. Ruki catches on to his nervousness and grasps one hand in his.
“I never promised Ni~ya to be faithful, and that wasn't exactly sex either. Sometimes you just need a warm body next to you, and sometimes you need a bit more. You didn't force me to do anything and neither did the lust override my head or something. We're fine, great actually. I'm glad to have got a friend like you, Uru.” Ruki honestly replies. The truth of his words and of his emotions shines in his eyes and Uruha is grateful, more than he can express. Instead of words, he hugs the little man to death.
A/N: It's been so long since I last posted. The delay has been necessary though because I had a tough time figuring out where I wanted this to go. I have managed to write the next two chapters though, in my quest for the perfect resolution, so the next few posts should be more regular. Depends on the commenting (shrugs).
On that note, I would like to thank all those that are reading and especially those that are commenting. Life is a mess, I have so many things to do I can't even contemplate them all, and writing is a luxury a lot of times. The beautiful comments are what keep this fic getting posted, so a big thank you to you guys.
Many squishes, and as always, bunnies are addicted to the feedback. It's like crack, really, so please don't hesitate to supply it. Many squishes.