Confessing is hard
As I had previously anticipated, I was partecipating into sakumoto contest as well :)
I realized only later that this fic is somehow similar to the Yama one, but it's probably because I ended up writing both of them almost together... (even though I like the Yama better XD)
But I'm glad, because these are my first works after a long hiatus ^o^
✪ CONTEST THEME all stories must be written on Sho's POV (Point of View). No Jun POV or Third-person POVs.
× Title: Confessing is hard
× Author:
yukichan_tb
× Betareader: my dear saviour trece_13
× Length: 3705 words
× Pairing: Sakumoto
× Rating: G
× Summary: Sho has a lot of troubles since he doesn't know how to handle his crush on Jun... and when he finally acts, he's terribly afraid about having made the worst possible move.
× Note: Set in real world, not necessarily in present time. :)
--- --- ---
There are times when I can’t believe that I arrived at this point.
Usually when people have a crush on someone, they work out something in order to “solve the matter” for better or for worse: they start by openly showing their feelings, they confess, and maybe even ask a friend for help... or they surrender and forget the whole thing, when they realize that it’s a lost cause!
So I wonder: why is that I am absolutely incapable of doing something so simple?
It has to be simple, since other people around me seem so confident... I hear them talking about their love matters almost everyday, how they managed to approach their lover, how they made him or her understand their feelings without even talking... and even though the outcome is totally unpredictable, even though they don’t know how it’ll end before actually trying, they still try.
So why have I been longing for him for ages, without any kind of progress?
I could keep cursing myself for hours, but I already know that the answer will be the same as always: I’m scared.
I have known him since we were boys, so I should know better than anybody else how to handle him and his mood swings... I know his tastes, I know his hobbies, I know what he does when he wants to relax or when he needs to calm down... and most of time I am there, right beside him.
But there’s something in him that stops me.
He’s so damn cool all the time, that makes me think that if I try to breach his wall he would just push me away. And even when he should be weak or vulnerable, he’s still stronger than me.
Because Matsujun is strong.
It doesn’t matter if he had a bad day, or if everything went wrong during the rehearsals, or if he’s tired and he can’t keep up the rhythm anymore...at the end of the day when we meet in the greenroom, he still smiles at me.
That shiny smile that makes all our fans go crazy, and my knees tremble.
There hasn't been one single time when at the end of the day he was still sulking, or being depressed, in order for me to approach him and give him some comfort.
The only thing I’ve ever been able to do for him, is to smile back.
--- --- ---
Definitely, I’ve been thinking too much lately.
What’s with me wondering about love matters? I had been doing great during all these years of doing absolutely nothing! So why do I feel that it’s necessary for me to make my move this time?
Maybe I had been pressuring myself too much to do something about it, but when the chance came, I failed.
As expected from me.
I suppose that I wasn’t really myself when it happened, because of all tactics I’ve ever planned in order to make him know what my feelings are, crying was surely the last on the list.
What the heck was I thinking when I asked him to have a chat alone?
I must have looked really stupid, with my hands trembling, my voice shaking... and those damn words that didn’t want to get out.
And having him, staring at me as if I was from another planet -behaving like I’ve never done before- was truly the worst.
“Sho-kun? What’s going on? Do you feel sick?” he asked.
I could have said “Yes” and that pitiful show would have ended.
Instead, I preferred to insist on that silly way... and denied. Uh, I can almost see myself shaking my head in that exaggerated way.
“Matsujun, there’s something I really need to tell you...”
I wonder what he was expecting from me when I said that.
He must have been curious... or maybe he was already aware of what was going on. After all, Matsujun is a smart guy. I think he can read the atmosphere better than anyone else.
And this makes me feel even more embarrassed.
But whatever his thoughts were at that moment, I surely surprised him by suddenly stopping.
I don’t know how it happened, maybe I was really really tense... but in the very moment before confessing, my throat went dry, my breath became uneven... and I realized too late that tears were falling down my cheeks.
I admit it was a strange sensation, since I can’t even remember when was the last time I cried.
And even though most people say that crying is liberating, I can assure that it is not when you are doing it in front of the least person you’d want to see you crying.
But I did.
And I think I went on crying for a little while before one of us tried to do something.
He was probably shocked seeing me in such a pitiful state, but at least he had been gentle enough not to say anything about it... he just embraced me.
“I’m sorry for not realizing that something is troubling you, Sho-kun...”
Kind as always, how can he possibly say the right words at the right moment?
He didn’t pressure me any further in order to know what I was going to say, he didn’t try to stop me from crying with an excuse like “we need to go, and it’s not wise for you to be seen in such a state”, but he simply stood silent, patting my back and breathing loudly in order to regularize my breath as well.
I wonder, where the heck has he learned such trick?
In the end, I calmed down.
Needless to say, I was the most embarrassed person on earth, and I couldn’t even meet his gaze.
I just mumbled some “thank you”, and left.
Now I’m even more troubled, since I don't know how on earth I am supposed to face him tomorrow!
--- --- ---
It’s really strange when the things that you have always considered a certainty, suddenly change.
This may have been Matsujun’s thought when I acted so unpredictably in front of him, since I had been his “hero” during our junior days.
I remember when he was still a little boy and he was envious of my ability to bear a lot of different tasks, like being an idol and attending college altogether... Of course, just by growing up he had developed his own abilities as well, so he must have realized that I wasn’t special at all, simply more mature than him at the time because I was a few years older.”
Indeed, his adoration for me must have ended a long time ago.
Until yesterday, I’ve always managed to keep my professional image, and this was the only thing I desperately clung to, when I entered our green room this morning.
I felt immediately relieved when everybody greeted at me as usual, and I took it as a signal that Jun had been quiet about my vent.
I sat down with my newspaper, letting the make-up artist do her job while I started reading.
To be exact, I started looking at the words printed on the page without really comprehending because I was just waiting for Jun to arrive -since he wasn’t there yet- and I didn’t want to be an easy target for conversation, whenever he would appear.
In retrospect, it would have been better if I had been fully concentrated on my reading, so that I wouldn't have visibly jumped on my chair when he finally entered the room.
“Good morning Sho-kun!”
He greeted me with his usual tone, and his usual smile.
I could see him through the mirror in front of me, and there was no way I could avoid his eyes.
I greeted him back, and tried something that was supposed to be a smile, but I’m not really sure that it was... even with the giant mirror in front of me, I couldn't really watch my reflected image, because I was locked into his gaze.
Then he approached me, maybe something that in his mind was supposed to be a kind move, but to me seemed more like a torture, and whispered discreetly into my ear: “Are you feeling better today?”
How was I supposed to answer to such a question??
No, I’m definitely not feeling better since you are so close to me and I keep on having forbidden desires towards you?
No, after the scene I made yesterday, I feel like the most pitiful person on earth... and nothing will be ever the be same between me and you?
No, because the facade I’ve built over years has crashed and you saw me as the weak person I am?
I just mumbled an affirmative answer.
He placed a hand on my shoulder and he squeezed it softly.
“We need to talk, later” he added before walking away.
And it took all of my self-control just to stay calm and pretend that nothing happened... even though at that moment I desperately wanted to run away from there.
Instead, I patiently waited for the make-up artist to finish her job, then I finally left the greenroom heading towards the studio.
There was still a little time left before starting filming, but I didn’t want to wait in that suffocating room, where Jun was staring at me, checking whether I was still behaving strangely...
But it was useless to worry, since he would’ve had plenty of chances to notice my unusual behaviour during the day!
First of all, I avoided him as much as possible.
I had been the usual cheerful person with Aiba, Nino and Riida, as we joked and laughed together as always... but I couldn't bring myself to talk to Jun.
And he didn’t try talking to me as well. Not even once.
But every time I accidentally glance at him, I would find him staring at me.
He looked deadly serious, or worried... I couldn’t tell exactly, since every time I met his gaze I would just look away and start talking to the closest person.
As for the other Arashi members, after a little while they obviously noticed that something was going on, but no one brought up the topic.
I really thank them for that.
They just played along with both of us, splitting in two groups to be sure that neither of us would ever be on his own, and from that moment onwards they kept on looking after us.
During the first break, when Riida came to me asking whether I had a fight with Jun, I wasn't surprised at all.
I immediately apologized for causing trouble for all of them, but I didn’t deny nor explain anything.
I guess it worked only because it was Riida.
He looked intensely into my eyes, then he must have noticed that I didn't want to talk about it, and shrugged.
“Just be sure to resolve the matter, ok? Whatever has happened, I can see that Jun-kun is remorseful for what he had done, and I’m sure he just wants to make it up to you. Just give him a chance”
Okay, maybe we have been overestimating Riida’s intuitions.
Just because he’s always silent, it doesn’t mean that he can read minds nor that he knows everything that happens around him.
In this case, he had guessed it completely wrongly.
“Jun hadn't done anything at all! How can he be remorseful?
And I should be the one giving him a chance?”
Thinking about that, I unexpectedly felt like laughing!
The whole matter seemed absurd.
But when I gathered a little more courage to sustain Matsujun’s gaze, I looked at him and I realized that maybe our leader was somehow right.
I spotted him in the corner of the room, and only in that moment I realized that even when he wasn’t looking at me he had a terrible expression painted upon his face.
He looked tired -even though we had just started working-, thoughtful, somehow depressed... was it my fault? Have I been too rude towards him maybe?
I couldn’t wait after all.
I approached him silently, and as soon as he noticed me with the corner of his eye, I apologized.
“I’m sorry for being such an ass today. I didn’t want you to feel that bad for me, really... Please pretend that nothing happened okay?”
The surprised expression upon his face turned into a pissed one.
“I can’t do that. You’re acting really strangely! To pretend that nothing happened would mean to ignore you, and your feelings... and I can’t do that since I’m worried! I just want to know what’s going on with you, am I asking too much?”
At the end of his speech, he was shouting.
Despite the whole “being worried for me” talk, it was something else that I immediately noticed in that moment: he was angry!
For the first time in my life, I managed to make Matsujun angry, for real.
I guess this is a goal as well...
--- --- ---
For the rest of the day, we simply worked out our usual routine... but it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that these had been the worst episodes ever filmed.
Despite Riida’s suggestion I hadn't been able to clarify things with Matsujun, and instead I made things worse.
After his angry vent, he rushed out of the studio and went back only 20 minutes later, thanks to Nino’s intervention... but his behaviour for the whole day -as well as mine- had been awful.
He was irritated, I was nervous.
He was intractable, I was desperate.
When we finally exited the studio and entered our greenroom, no one dared to talk.
I have to be sincere: I’ve never been so afraid about Arashi’s stability as in that very moment.
My own problem had caused such a fuss, with everyone involved... and I hadn't even confessed yet!
But while I was fully immersed into my own thoughts, and Matsujun was sulking in a corner on his own, it came Aiba’s turn to try to resolve the problem.
“Well then... we can’t go on like this. Whatever the matter is, you definitely need to talk. We’ll come back in a couple of hours. See you!”
Having said that, he locked us inside the room.
I looked at Jun in order to check his reaction, and I guess that I had a really funny expression painted on my face in that moment, because he suddenly started giggling.
“I guess this is unavoidable, huh? Making such a fuss with everyone else present, it would obviously lead to this! I just hope that Aiba-chan will come back for real, and he won’t forget us in here!”
Feeling relieved by his relaxed behaviour, I started laughing as well and I felt much better.
Apparently, there was still a chance to recover the situation.
“You’re finally laughing” he said then “I really missed your laugh today”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I was sure to have laughed a lot of times during the day, there can’t be an episode where I don’t laugh!
“That laugh, the sincere one. I missed it” he explained while coming closer to me “It kinda hurt me when you were showing the false one. I could feel that you weren’t putting your heart in it.”
I felt embarrassed when he said those words, not knowing how to reply... so I went for the easy way.
And I apologized again.
“My behaviour lately must have been difficult to bear, please forgive me.”
“I don’t want your excuses. You gave me plenty of that already.” He stood right before me, looking straight into my eyes.
“Just tell me why you’ve been avoiding me for the whole day, in first place”
“I... simply didn't know how to face you, after what had happened yesterday...”
I mumbled softly, forgetting all those newscaster techniques I learned over the years in order to articulate my words clearly.
“Yeah... and what happened yesterday? I don’t even know!!” he replied, sounding more downhearted than actually irritated “The only thing I know, is that you scared me to death, they you left me without any explanation, and today you seemed angry at me, again without any explanation. So don’t wonder why I got irritated when you came to me saying «please pretend that nothing happened»!!”
“Angry? No, I wasn’t angry!”
Did I seem angry for real? I had been everything but angry!
“I was just... scared, I suppose.”
“Scared of what? Of me judging you maybe? For letting yourself go for the first time in ages? I don’t think openly showing your feelings would necessarily be regarded as something bad.”
From that point of view, his argument was flawless.
So why did I feel so uncomfortable?
“...Maybe my feelings are the problem in first place. Not the fact that I’m showing them.”
I said out loud what I was truly thinking at that moment.
And with that, I probably succeeded in upsetting him because he didn’t reply.
Not immediately, at least.
He walked away from me and he sat down on a couch for a couple of minutes, bent forward as to look down at his own feet, playing with his own hands while thinking.
As for me, I just stayed where I was, unable to move.
I didn't want to break that silence, as I didn’t have anything worth saying.
At the same time, I supposed that Jun was thinking about all the things I’ve said until that moment, pondering his own opinion about the matter... and I didn't want to interrupt his flow of thoughts.
“You are in love with someone” he said at last, looking at me.
I felt blood rushing to my face and I suppose that my expression had been really expressive, because he didn't even wait for me to confirm his theory.
“That’s what you were going to tell me yesterday, isn’t it? You were about to confide in me... but since you didn’t even manage to bring up the topic, you thought that would be better to not try anymore and bury it.”
I remember that I tried to open my mouth in an attempt to say something, but no words came out.
He stood up slowly from the couch, posing his hands on his knees, then he came closer.
“I suppose that it’s someone I know”
He seemed quite determined to discover the truth... but as he was carefully articulating his questions, it seemed like we were playing some riddle game.
“...Yes.”
“And since you even considered your feelings as a problem, it could be someone you shouldn’t be involved with”
It was painful hearing the issue that had troubled me during the last few months, more so if it’s him saying it out loud... but it gave me the courage to oppose somehow.
“Being involved it’s not a problem... but a love relationship might be improper...”
“Is he an Arashi member?”
I didn’t know how, but he came close to the truth much earlier than I expected.
How can he even guess that I was in love with a male, anyway?
I gulped.
“Would that be a problem, as I think it is?”
“Only if the other person is not me.”
He was deadly serious.
And I couldn’t believe it.
What happened next is kinda confused in my mind, but I remember clearly that a moment before I was staring into his eyes, and one moment later his lips were brushing against mine.
He was kissing me.
At first it was just a gentle touch... but soon after it became passionate, and demanding.
I kinda felt his wish to have a better access to my mouth, so I opened my lips slightly.. .letting him lick my upper lip softly, making me tremble... and then my lower lip, making me nearly collapse on my knees... and when finally I felt his tongue caressing mine, all the feelings I’ve ever felt for him surfaced all together, all of a sudden, making me remember why I had fallen in love with him in the first place, and making me wonder why I hadn't confessed earlier.
Which technically I hadn't done yet.
I don’t know how long it lasted, but when we finally moved away from each other we were both panting and he had a lustful expression that I had never seen before... as if his eyes were trying to tell me how much he was longing for me.
“It’s you.”
I said grinning.
“It has always been you.”
He took my hand and squeezed it. Then he leaned his forehead against mine, letting out a sigh.
“I’m so relieved to hear that. ...It would have been the worst move ever, if I had guessed wrong”
That observation made me laugh, but again I couldn’t help but admit that he had indeed been braver than me.
I lifted my arms, placing them on his shoulders in a kind of relaxed embrace, without ever moving away from his forehead.
“Thanks for trying anyway” I whispered
“Thanks for letting me know that I mean so much for you” he whispered back, smiling tenderly
We could have stayed in that position for a long time without moving, just looking into each other’s eyes, sharing our whispered confidences... if only Aiba hadn’t chosen that very moment to enter the room.
“Yatta!!!” his loud voice exclaimed, before we could possibly move away from each other. “I made it! My intervention had been the most successfully one!”
Shifting a little from my -extremely comfortable- position, I looked at the door and I noticed that Nino and Riida were standing next to him, looking at us in satisfaction... it was immediately clear to me that they already knew what was going on.
I felt relieved.
And really happy.
They knew, they understood, they were genuinely happy.
And they had even made their own moves in order to help me and Jun!
Today I’ve learned my lesson.
First: To not doubt Arashi’s stability. Ever.
Second: Rely on my friends whenever I need support.
Third and Last: Confessing is truly hard... but it’s worth it. ♥
--- --- ---
Ok, the ending sucks a little bit, I know -.-
But I'm already working on something else okay? :p And I hope that I'll be able to post that soon, if there's still someone who's following my fics XD
I realized only later that this fic is somehow similar to the Yama one, but it's probably because I ended up writing both of them almost together... (even though I like the Yama better XD)
But I'm glad, because these are my first works after a long hiatus ^o^
✪ CONTEST THEME all stories must be written on Sho's POV (Point of View). No Jun POV or Third-person POVs.
× Title: Confessing is hard
× Author:
yukichan_tb
× Betareader: my dear saviour trece_13
× Length: 3705 words
× Pairing: Sakumoto
× Rating: G
× Summary: Sho has a lot of troubles since he doesn't know how to handle his crush on Jun... and when he finally acts, he's terribly afraid about having made the worst possible move.
× Note: Set in real world, not necessarily in present time. :)
--- --- ---
There are times when I can’t believe that I arrived at this point.
Usually when people have a crush on someone, they work out something in order to “solve the matter” for better or for worse: they start by openly showing their feelings, they confess, and maybe even ask a friend for help... or they surrender and forget the whole thing, when they realize that it’s a lost cause!
So I wonder: why is that I am absolutely incapable of doing something so simple?
It has to be simple, since other people around me seem so confident... I hear them talking about their love matters almost everyday, how they managed to approach their lover, how they made him or her understand their feelings without even talking... and even though the outcome is totally unpredictable, even though they don’t know how it’ll end before actually trying, they still try.
So why have I been longing for him for ages, without any kind of progress?
I could keep cursing myself for hours, but I already know that the answer will be the same as always: I’m scared.
I have known him since we were boys, so I should know better than anybody else how to handle him and his mood swings... I know his tastes, I know his hobbies, I know what he does when he wants to relax or when he needs to calm down... and most of time I am there, right beside him.
But there’s something in him that stops me.
He’s so damn cool all the time, that makes me think that if I try to breach his wall he would just push me away. And even when he should be weak or vulnerable, he’s still stronger than me.
Because Matsujun is strong.
It doesn’t matter if he had a bad day, or if everything went wrong during the rehearsals, or if he’s tired and he can’t keep up the rhythm anymore...at the end of the day when we meet in the greenroom, he still smiles at me.
That shiny smile that makes all our fans go crazy, and my knees tremble.
There hasn't been one single time when at the end of the day he was still sulking, or being depressed, in order for me to approach him and give him some comfort.
The only thing I’ve ever been able to do for him, is to smile back.
--- --- ---
Definitely, I’ve been thinking too much lately.
What’s with me wondering about love matters? I had been doing great during all these years of doing absolutely nothing! So why do I feel that it’s necessary for me to make my move this time?
Maybe I had been pressuring myself too much to do something about it, but when the chance came, I failed.
As expected from me.
I suppose that I wasn’t really myself when it happened, because of all tactics I’ve ever planned in order to make him know what my feelings are, crying was surely the last on the list.
What the heck was I thinking when I asked him to have a chat alone?
I must have looked really stupid, with my hands trembling, my voice shaking... and those damn words that didn’t want to get out.
And having him, staring at me as if I was from another planet -behaving like I’ve never done before- was truly the worst.
“Sho-kun? What’s going on? Do you feel sick?” he asked.
I could have said “Yes” and that pitiful show would have ended.
Instead, I preferred to insist on that silly way... and denied. Uh, I can almost see myself shaking my head in that exaggerated way.
“Matsujun, there’s something I really need to tell you...”
I wonder what he was expecting from me when I said that.
He must have been curious... or maybe he was already aware of what was going on. After all, Matsujun is a smart guy. I think he can read the atmosphere better than anyone else.
And this makes me feel even more embarrassed.
But whatever his thoughts were at that moment, I surely surprised him by suddenly stopping.
I don’t know how it happened, maybe I was really really tense... but in the very moment before confessing, my throat went dry, my breath became uneven... and I realized too late that tears were falling down my cheeks.
I admit it was a strange sensation, since I can’t even remember when was the last time I cried.
And even though most people say that crying is liberating, I can assure that it is not when you are doing it in front of the least person you’d want to see you crying.
But I did.
And I think I went on crying for a little while before one of us tried to do something.
He was probably shocked seeing me in such a pitiful state, but at least he had been gentle enough not to say anything about it... he just embraced me.
“I’m sorry for not realizing that something is troubling you, Sho-kun...”
Kind as always, how can he possibly say the right words at the right moment?
He didn’t pressure me any further in order to know what I was going to say, he didn’t try to stop me from crying with an excuse like “we need to go, and it’s not wise for you to be seen in such a state”, but he simply stood silent, patting my back and breathing loudly in order to regularize my breath as well.
I wonder, where the heck has he learned such trick?
In the end, I calmed down.
Needless to say, I was the most embarrassed person on earth, and I couldn’t even meet his gaze.
I just mumbled some “thank you”, and left.
Now I’m even more troubled, since I don't know how on earth I am supposed to face him tomorrow!
--- --- ---
It’s really strange when the things that you have always considered a certainty, suddenly change.
This may have been Matsujun’s thought when I acted so unpredictably in front of him, since I had been his “hero” during our junior days.
I remember when he was still a little boy and he was envious of my ability to bear a lot of different tasks, like being an idol and attending college altogether... Of course, just by growing up he had developed his own abilities as well, so he must have realized that I wasn’t special at all, simply more mature than him at the time because I was a few years older.”
Indeed, his adoration for me must have ended a long time ago.
Until yesterday, I’ve always managed to keep my professional image, and this was the only thing I desperately clung to, when I entered our green room this morning.
I felt immediately relieved when everybody greeted at me as usual, and I took it as a signal that Jun had been quiet about my vent.
I sat down with my newspaper, letting the make-up artist do her job while I started reading.
To be exact, I started looking at the words printed on the page without really comprehending because I was just waiting for Jun to arrive -since he wasn’t there yet- and I didn’t want to be an easy target for conversation, whenever he would appear.
In retrospect, it would have been better if I had been fully concentrated on my reading, so that I wouldn't have visibly jumped on my chair when he finally entered the room.
“Good morning Sho-kun!”
He greeted me with his usual tone, and his usual smile.
I could see him through the mirror in front of me, and there was no way I could avoid his eyes.
I greeted him back, and tried something that was supposed to be a smile, but I’m not really sure that it was... even with the giant mirror in front of me, I couldn't really watch my reflected image, because I was locked into his gaze.
Then he approached me, maybe something that in his mind was supposed to be a kind move, but to me seemed more like a torture, and whispered discreetly into my ear: “Are you feeling better today?”
How was I supposed to answer to such a question??
No, I’m definitely not feeling better since you are so close to me and I keep on having forbidden desires towards you?
No, after the scene I made yesterday, I feel like the most pitiful person on earth... and nothing will be ever the be same between me and you?
No, because the facade I’ve built over years has crashed and you saw me as the weak person I am?
I just mumbled an affirmative answer.
He placed a hand on my shoulder and he squeezed it softly.
“We need to talk, later” he added before walking away.
And it took all of my self-control just to stay calm and pretend that nothing happened... even though at that moment I desperately wanted to run away from there.
Instead, I patiently waited for the make-up artist to finish her job, then I finally left the greenroom heading towards the studio.
There was still a little time left before starting filming, but I didn’t want to wait in that suffocating room, where Jun was staring at me, checking whether I was still behaving strangely...
But it was useless to worry, since he would’ve had plenty of chances to notice my unusual behaviour during the day!
First of all, I avoided him as much as possible.
I had been the usual cheerful person with Aiba, Nino and Riida, as we joked and laughed together as always... but I couldn't bring myself to talk to Jun.
And he didn’t try talking to me as well. Not even once.
But every time I accidentally glance at him, I would find him staring at me.
He looked deadly serious, or worried... I couldn’t tell exactly, since every time I met his gaze I would just look away and start talking to the closest person.
As for the other Arashi members, after a little while they obviously noticed that something was going on, but no one brought up the topic.
I really thank them for that.
They just played along with both of us, splitting in two groups to be sure that neither of us would ever be on his own, and from that moment onwards they kept on looking after us.
During the first break, when Riida came to me asking whether I had a fight with Jun, I wasn't surprised at all.
I immediately apologized for causing trouble for all of them, but I didn’t deny nor explain anything.
I guess it worked only because it was Riida.
He looked intensely into my eyes, then he must have noticed that I didn't want to talk about it, and shrugged.
“Just be sure to resolve the matter, ok? Whatever has happened, I can see that Jun-kun is remorseful for what he had done, and I’m sure he just wants to make it up to you. Just give him a chance”
Okay, maybe we have been overestimating Riida’s intuitions.
Just because he’s always silent, it doesn’t mean that he can read minds nor that he knows everything that happens around him.
In this case, he had guessed it completely wrongly.
“Jun hadn't done anything at all! How can he be remorseful?
And I should be the one giving him a chance?”
Thinking about that, I unexpectedly felt like laughing!
The whole matter seemed absurd.
But when I gathered a little more courage to sustain Matsujun’s gaze, I looked at him and I realized that maybe our leader was somehow right.
I spotted him in the corner of the room, and only in that moment I realized that even when he wasn’t looking at me he had a terrible expression painted upon his face.
He looked tired -even though we had just started working-, thoughtful, somehow depressed... was it my fault? Have I been too rude towards him maybe?
I couldn’t wait after all.
I approached him silently, and as soon as he noticed me with the corner of his eye, I apologized.
“I’m sorry for being such an ass today. I didn’t want you to feel that bad for me, really... Please pretend that nothing happened okay?”
The surprised expression upon his face turned into a pissed one.
“I can’t do that. You’re acting really strangely! To pretend that nothing happened would mean to ignore you, and your feelings... and I can’t do that since I’m worried! I just want to know what’s going on with you, am I asking too much?”
At the end of his speech, he was shouting.
Despite the whole “being worried for me” talk, it was something else that I immediately noticed in that moment: he was angry!
For the first time in my life, I managed to make Matsujun angry, for real.
I guess this is a goal as well...
--- --- ---
For the rest of the day, we simply worked out our usual routine... but it wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that these had been the worst episodes ever filmed.
Despite Riida’s suggestion I hadn't been able to clarify things with Matsujun, and instead I made things worse.
After his angry vent, he rushed out of the studio and went back only 20 minutes later, thanks to Nino’s intervention... but his behaviour for the whole day -as well as mine- had been awful.
He was irritated, I was nervous.
He was intractable, I was desperate.
When we finally exited the studio and entered our greenroom, no one dared to talk.
I have to be sincere: I’ve never been so afraid about Arashi’s stability as in that very moment.
My own problem had caused such a fuss, with everyone involved... and I hadn't even confessed yet!
But while I was fully immersed into my own thoughts, and Matsujun was sulking in a corner on his own, it came Aiba’s turn to try to resolve the problem.
“Well then... we can’t go on like this. Whatever the matter is, you definitely need to talk. We’ll come back in a couple of hours. See you!”
Having said that, he locked us inside the room.
I looked at Jun in order to check his reaction, and I guess that I had a really funny expression painted on my face in that moment, because he suddenly started giggling.
“I guess this is unavoidable, huh? Making such a fuss with everyone else present, it would obviously lead to this! I just hope that Aiba-chan will come back for real, and he won’t forget us in here!”
Feeling relieved by his relaxed behaviour, I started laughing as well and I felt much better.
Apparently, there was still a chance to recover the situation.
“You’re finally laughing” he said then “I really missed your laugh today”
“What do you mean?” I asked. I was sure to have laughed a lot of times during the day, there can’t be an episode where I don’t laugh!
“That laugh, the sincere one. I missed it” he explained while coming closer to me “It kinda hurt me when you were showing the false one. I could feel that you weren’t putting your heart in it.”
I felt embarrassed when he said those words, not knowing how to reply... so I went for the easy way.
And I apologized again.
“My behaviour lately must have been difficult to bear, please forgive me.”
“I don’t want your excuses. You gave me plenty of that already.” He stood right before me, looking straight into my eyes.
“Just tell me why you’ve been avoiding me for the whole day, in first place”
“I... simply didn't know how to face you, after what had happened yesterday...”
I mumbled softly, forgetting all those newscaster techniques I learned over the years in order to articulate my words clearly.
“Yeah... and what happened yesterday? I don’t even know!!” he replied, sounding more downhearted than actually irritated “The only thing I know, is that you scared me to death, they you left me without any explanation, and today you seemed angry at me, again without any explanation. So don’t wonder why I got irritated when you came to me saying «please pretend that nothing happened»!!”
“Angry? No, I wasn’t angry!”
Did I seem angry for real? I had been everything but angry!
“I was just... scared, I suppose.”
“Scared of what? Of me judging you maybe? For letting yourself go for the first time in ages? I don’t think openly showing your feelings would necessarily be regarded as something bad.”
From that point of view, his argument was flawless.
So why did I feel so uncomfortable?
“...Maybe my feelings are the problem in first place. Not the fact that I’m showing them.”
I said out loud what I was truly thinking at that moment.
And with that, I probably succeeded in upsetting him because he didn’t reply.
Not immediately, at least.
He walked away from me and he sat down on a couch for a couple of minutes, bent forward as to look down at his own feet, playing with his own hands while thinking.
As for me, I just stayed where I was, unable to move.
I didn't want to break that silence, as I didn’t have anything worth saying.
At the same time, I supposed that Jun was thinking about all the things I’ve said until that moment, pondering his own opinion about the matter... and I didn't want to interrupt his flow of thoughts.
“You are in love with someone” he said at last, looking at me.
I felt blood rushing to my face and I suppose that my expression had been really expressive, because he didn't even wait for me to confirm his theory.
“That’s what you were going to tell me yesterday, isn’t it? You were about to confide in me... but since you didn’t even manage to bring up the topic, you thought that would be better to not try anymore and bury it.”
I remember that I tried to open my mouth in an attempt to say something, but no words came out.
He stood up slowly from the couch, posing his hands on his knees, then he came closer.
“I suppose that it’s someone I know”
He seemed quite determined to discover the truth... but as he was carefully articulating his questions, it seemed like we were playing some riddle game.
“...Yes.”
“And since you even considered your feelings as a problem, it could be someone you shouldn’t be involved with”
It was painful hearing the issue that had troubled me during the last few months, more so if it’s him saying it out loud... but it gave me the courage to oppose somehow.
“Being involved it’s not a problem... but a love relationship might be improper...”
“Is he an Arashi member?”
I didn’t know how, but he came close to the truth much earlier than I expected.
How can he even guess that I was in love with a male, anyway?
I gulped.
“Would that be a problem, as I think it is?”
“Only if the other person is not me.”
He was deadly serious.
And I couldn’t believe it.
What happened next is kinda confused in my mind, but I remember clearly that a moment before I was staring into his eyes, and one moment later his lips were brushing against mine.
He was kissing me.
At first it was just a gentle touch... but soon after it became passionate, and demanding.
I kinda felt his wish to have a better access to my mouth, so I opened my lips slightly.. .letting him lick my upper lip softly, making me tremble... and then my lower lip, making me nearly collapse on my knees... and when finally I felt his tongue caressing mine, all the feelings I’ve ever felt for him surfaced all together, all of a sudden, making me remember why I had fallen in love with him in the first place, and making me wonder why I hadn't confessed earlier.
Which technically I hadn't done yet.
I don’t know how long it lasted, but when we finally moved away from each other we were both panting and he had a lustful expression that I had never seen before... as if his eyes were trying to tell me how much he was longing for me.
“It’s you.”
I said grinning.
“It has always been you.”
He took my hand and squeezed it. Then he leaned his forehead against mine, letting out a sigh.
“I’m so relieved to hear that. ...It would have been the worst move ever, if I had guessed wrong”
That observation made me laugh, but again I couldn’t help but admit that he had indeed been braver than me.
I lifted my arms, placing them on his shoulders in a kind of relaxed embrace, without ever moving away from his forehead.
“Thanks for trying anyway” I whispered
“Thanks for letting me know that I mean so much for you” he whispered back, smiling tenderly
We could have stayed in that position for a long time without moving, just looking into each other’s eyes, sharing our whispered confidences... if only Aiba hadn’t chosen that very moment to enter the room.
“Yatta!!!” his loud voice exclaimed, before we could possibly move away from each other. “I made it! My intervention had been the most successfully one!”
Shifting a little from my -extremely comfortable- position, I looked at the door and I noticed that Nino and Riida were standing next to him, looking at us in satisfaction... it was immediately clear to me that they already knew what was going on.
I felt relieved.
And really happy.
They knew, they understood, they were genuinely happy.
And they had even made their own moves in order to help me and Jun!
Today I’ve learned my lesson.
First: To not doubt Arashi’s stability. Ever.
Second: Rely on my friends whenever I need support.
Third and Last: Confessing is truly hard... but it’s worth it. ♥
--- --- ---
Ok, the ending sucks a little bit, I know -.-
But I'm already working on something else okay? :p And I hope that I'll be able to post that soon, if there's still someone who's following my fics XD