はじめての朝 / The First Morning
First morning after the heartbreaking news, I woke up alone with my thoughts, headache and swollen eyes at 2:30am. I want to properly express my thoughts through this journal, been trying to find the words to describe what I'm feeling right now but I can't.
Most of you have known me as Tegoshi Yuya's number one basher, Yujin Tegoshi (on Facebook). If you've known me enough, you'd know that my Tumblr username and email were both "iminlovewithtegoshi" because I freaking was! In love! With Tegoshi Yuya! Since 2009!
Tegoshi has a lot of imperfections and flaws. He's irritating to the core. His pouting lips pissed me off. He's selfish and every day I wondered why I chose him over Massu or Kei-chan, or Shige. I always asked myself why him. And honestly, after 11 years, I still have no idea why.
Being a Tegoshi stan is hard. Almost every year, he drags himself in scandals involving drinking, partying and women. Every time, I feel like a wife who's been cheated on and lied to over and over again but can't bring herself to hate him. All he would say is trust him and as stupid as I am, believe those words, every single time. That's how much I loved him.
As time passed by, the scandals are getting worse and too hard to handle. I realized that it shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't force myself any more to pretend that I'm not hurt. I should choose to get away from this toxic fan-idol relationship that I was in for 7 years. I have an unstable mental health and to avoid any more damage to my brain, I decided to stop stanning him.
Even after I turned my back to Yujin, I didn't hate Tegoshi, I just stopped being the active fan that I was. I still listened to NEWS and thought that NEWS and NEWS fans are the best. I still thought that he has the most amazing and beautiful voice in Johnny's. Being a lowkey fan means being hurt less, also less fandom drama.
When Tegoshi was reprimanded by the agency and got himself suspended, I thought he deserved it. I won't defend him because he was obviously being an irresponsible human amidst this pandemic. But when he caught himself in a new scandal on top of his suspension, I was worried. I felt like he's self-destructing. He needed help. I wanted him to seek help. It's just sad that he chose to deal with it on his own instead of confiding in the other 3 members. I remember I joked about Tegoshi looking like he didn't want to stay anymore so he's finding ways for the agency to terminate him. Now I know I shouldn't make jokes like this because it's freaking hard when it actually come true.
I know I shared this on my Facebook post but I'm gonna share again my dream last June 9th.
"I had a bad dream this morning. I was with Katrina talking about Massu and bumped into Tegs in a metrowalk-like place where plenty of people were eating and drinking. He said what Julie did to him was too much and he regretted it. Yet he was drunk again lol (He breathed in my face so I could smell). He was messing with people's foods and clothes. Lots of people were complaining about him. I apologized to each of them on his behalf, crying. I told them he was just drunk and didn't mean any of it. I was like "Tegs wth? I can't pay for all their food I'm broke". Like, begging him to stop. I woke up crying."
It's so weird because it looked so real. Looking back, I realized it actually sums up our fan-idol relationship for 7 years. Him making mistakes, and me genuinely worried, accepting his faults and wanting him to stop and be better.
On Tegoshi and his fans' behalf, I want to apologize to all NEWS fans who felt betrayed and hurt. You have all the right to get mad at him for leaving NEWS, hurting the members' feelings, and reminding us of the pain we felt last October 2011.
To Tegoshi, god I hate you so much! I hate you for probably making Kei-chan cry. I hate you for leaving NEWS and Tegomass. Wouldn't hurt to release another single or album after Seishun, eh? Ugh. I hate that my favorite Tegomass and NEWS songs won't be the same ever again. But if this would make you happy and stop you from self-destructing, then no one is allowed to stop you from pursuing it. Please let this be the last time I cry for you. TT^TT I
To the new 3nin NEWS, I want to hug you right now. Please stay strong. You were able to overcome everything as 4, but as 3 and with NEWS fans, you can do better. You deserve better, more love. I know you did everything to stop Tegoshi and the agency. Thank you for protecting the group!
To my NEWS fan friends, please stay strong as well. Please don't hate on Tegoshi (I'm the only one allowed to hate him with passion LOLJK). I'm always thankful to NEWS for the friendship. Please stay friends with me even if our biases took separate paths. I wish I could be in PH right now to hug you guys. ILY <3
「Live!
Even if we suffer defeat
Even if we’re at 0
Surely we can do it over again?
Using all of the life we’ve been given
Until we burn out, we’ll live on」
THANK YOU NEWS, THANK YOU TEGOSHI.
Most of you have known me as Tegoshi Yuya's number one basher, Yujin Tegoshi (on Facebook). If you've known me enough, you'd know that my Tumblr username and email were both "iminlovewithtegoshi" because I freaking was! In love! With Tegoshi Yuya! Since 2009!
Tegoshi has a lot of imperfections and flaws. He's irritating to the core. His pouting lips pissed me off. He's selfish and every day I wondered why I chose him over Massu or Kei-chan, or Shige. I always asked myself why him. And honestly, after 11 years, I still have no idea why.
Being a Tegoshi stan is hard. Almost every year, he drags himself in scandals involving drinking, partying and women. Every time, I feel like a wife who's been cheated on and lied to over and over again but can't bring herself to hate him. All he would say is trust him and as stupid as I am, believe those words, every single time. That's how much I loved him.
As time passed by, the scandals are getting worse and too hard to handle. I realized that it shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't force myself any more to pretend that I'm not hurt. I should choose to get away from this toxic fan-idol relationship that I was in for 7 years. I have an unstable mental health and to avoid any more damage to my brain, I decided to stop stanning him.
Even after I turned my back to Yujin, I didn't hate Tegoshi, I just stopped being the active fan that I was. I still listened to NEWS and thought that NEWS and NEWS fans are the best. I still thought that he has the most amazing and beautiful voice in Johnny's. Being a lowkey fan means being hurt less, also less fandom drama.
When Tegoshi was reprimanded by the agency and got himself suspended, I thought he deserved it. I won't defend him because he was obviously being an irresponsible human amidst this pandemic. But when he caught himself in a new scandal on top of his suspension, I was worried. I felt like he's self-destructing. He needed help. I wanted him to seek help. It's just sad that he chose to deal with it on his own instead of confiding in the other 3 members. I remember I joked about Tegoshi looking like he didn't want to stay anymore so he's finding ways for the agency to terminate him. Now I know I shouldn't make jokes like this because it's freaking hard when it actually come true.
I know I shared this on my Facebook post but I'm gonna share again my dream last June 9th.
"I had a bad dream this morning. I was with Katrina talking about Massu and bumped into Tegs in a metrowalk-like place where plenty of people were eating and drinking. He said what Julie did to him was too much and he regretted it. Yet he was drunk again lol (He breathed in my face so I could smell). He was messing with people's foods and clothes. Lots of people were complaining about him. I apologized to each of them on his behalf, crying. I told them he was just drunk and didn't mean any of it. I was like "Tegs wth? I can't pay for all their food I'm broke". Like, begging him to stop. I woke up crying."
It's so weird because it looked so real. Looking back, I realized it actually sums up our fan-idol relationship for 7 years. Him making mistakes, and me genuinely worried, accepting his faults and wanting him to stop and be better.
On Tegoshi and his fans' behalf, I want to apologize to all NEWS fans who felt betrayed and hurt. You have all the right to get mad at him for leaving NEWS, hurting the members' feelings, and reminding us of the pain we felt last October 2011.
To Tegoshi, god I hate you so much! I hate you for probably making Kei-chan cry. I hate you for leaving NEWS and Tegomass. Wouldn't hurt to release another single or album after Seishun, eh? Ugh. I hate that my favorite Tegomass and NEWS songs won't be the same ever again. But if this would make you happy and stop you from self-destructing, then no one is allowed to stop you from pursuing it. Please let this be the last time I cry for you. TT^TT I
To the new 3nin NEWS, I want to hug you right now. Please stay strong. You were able to overcome everything as 4, but as 3 and with NEWS fans, you can do better. You deserve better, more love. I know you did everything to stop Tegoshi and the agency. Thank you for protecting the group!
To my NEWS fan friends, please stay strong as well. Please don't hate on Tegoshi (I'm the only one allowed to hate him with passion LOLJK). I'm always thankful to NEWS for the friendship. Please stay friends with me even if our biases took separate paths. I wish I could be in PH right now to hug you guys. ILY <3
「Live!
Even if we suffer defeat
Even if we’re at 0
Surely we can do it over again?
Using all of the life we’ve been given
Until we burn out, we’ll live on」
THANK YOU NEWS, THANK YOU TEGOSHI.