Episode Three
"It's not so much that I want to die as that I'm tired of living."
Year 2005, I found myself cutting my wrist with a cutter. Every time I buy one, my friends throw it away. So I tried cutting myself with small pieces of glass from my broken wrist watch. It felt no pain. Just pure pleasure. I was 15 at the time.
Fast forward to 2017, it wasn't just my wrist watch that's broken and shattered, but my faith, my heart, my whole-being.
"What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.."
March 2017, I was at the lobby of our office building when I slipped and twisted my ankle. For one whole day I was crying of pain. I couldn't even stand. I went to the hospital and had my left foot in a cast for two weeks. That time, my sister was in the Philippines. I never felt so alone. I was crying every night because of the pain in my foot and also the pain of not having a single family member beside me who will genuinely take care of the weak and injured me.
July 2017, I was on my way home when I got hit by a car. It wasn't serious. The impact wasn't that strong. I only got bruises, wounds on my left foot (Yes the same foot that was in a cast just four months ago), and a slight emotional trauma. My whole body was trembling. It was scary and traumatic but at the same time it felt good. If I ever get hit by a car again, I wouldn't mind.
Since I started living here, I had two accidents in less than one year. Can I get any luckier? :-) Yeah, tell me living abroad is easy and I'll tell you a hundred reasons why it's not while sipping my coffee.
"The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to break a heart. So be careful with your words."
I've been told things that are better left unsaid. Words that haunt me. Words that trigger. Maybe you have no ill intention, maybe you just want to help, or maybe you are just being insensitive. I wish, though, that you can be careful with your words. Because it only makes me feel worse about myself.
"Trust is the easiest thing in the world to lose, and the hardest thing in the world to get back."
So, why am I writing again? Because I don't have anyone I could confide in. Eventhough there are few people willing to lend me their ears, I just can't bring myself to open up to them. Why? Trust issues. Again. I'm scared I'd open up to the wrong person. Because the last time I did, I got judged, mocked and invalidated.
Recently I've been ignoring people again. I've been shutting myself in my own little world again. I'm avoiding conversations that would trigger me even further and get me back to this abyss. Not because I don't care. I honestly care. But right now, I just want to be alone. Away from people that would make feel worse. Away from my friends that remind me how much I miss the old times.
"My demons, though quiet, are never quite silenced. Calm as they may be, they wait patiently for a reason to wake, take an overdue breath, and crawl back to my ear."
Making mistakes is inevitable. Small mistakes but the regret is too strong. Every night I've been hearing voices reminding me of those simple mistakes. I can't even sleep because every time I close my eyes, those little mistakes come flashing into my mind, it makes me feel bad, and all I can do is cry, makes me wish I never exist, reminds me how worthless and useless I am, and yell at my own demons to stop. Guess what, they just don't stop. Lol.
"I don't have the strength to keep writing this. To go on living with this feeling is painful beyond description. Isn't there someone kind enough to strangle me in my sleep?"
I don't know until when will I feel this way. If you tell me to seek help, I really want to but I don't know any Filipino psychiatrists here. If you tell me to talk to God, right now, my faith is totally shaken, lost. If you tell me it'll get better, I'll ask you when? If you tell me I'm being over dramatic, fvck off. I know that already. If you tell me this isn't depression, then what is this? If you tell me I'm crazy, maybe I am. But I am trying my best to keep my sanity. So please if you have nothing good to say, keep it to yourself because who knows what happens to me next. I do not need anyone to console or comfort me. I just wanted to let all this out.
By the way, these are the songs I've been listening to this past few days so you'd have an idea what I'm feeling right now:
Year 2005, I found myself cutting my wrist with a cutter. Every time I buy one, my friends throw it away. So I tried cutting myself with small pieces of glass from my broken wrist watch. It felt no pain. Just pure pleasure. I was 15 at the time.
Fast forward to 2017, it wasn't just my wrist watch that's broken and shattered, but my faith, my heart, my whole-being.
"What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.."
March 2017, I was at the lobby of our office building when I slipped and twisted my ankle. For one whole day I was crying of pain. I couldn't even stand. I went to the hospital and had my left foot in a cast for two weeks. That time, my sister was in the Philippines. I never felt so alone. I was crying every night because of the pain in my foot and also the pain of not having a single family member beside me who will genuinely take care of the weak and injured me.
July 2017, I was on my way home when I got hit by a car. It wasn't serious. The impact wasn't that strong. I only got bruises, wounds on my left foot (Yes the same foot that was in a cast just four months ago), and a slight emotional trauma. My whole body was trembling. It was scary and traumatic but at the same time it felt good. If I ever get hit by a car again, I wouldn't mind.
Since I started living here, I had two accidents in less than one year. Can I get any luckier? :-) Yeah, tell me living abroad is easy and I'll tell you a hundred reasons why it's not while sipping my coffee.
"The tongue has no bones, but is strong enough to break a heart. So be careful with your words."
I've been told things that are better left unsaid. Words that haunt me. Words that trigger. Maybe you have no ill intention, maybe you just want to help, or maybe you are just being insensitive. I wish, though, that you can be careful with your words. Because it only makes me feel worse about myself.
- "Yung isang kaibigan mo mas mabigat pa problema kesa sayo"
- "LOL sorry ah natatawa ako kasi yan lang reason mo?"
- "Baka quarter life crisis lang yan"
- "Aww kaya mo yan!"
- "Hayaan mo na yun."
- "Buti ka pa walang pinoproblema"
- "Buti ka pa walang pinoproblemang boyfriend"
- "Anong ikakadepress mo eh wala ka namang boyfriend/asawa at anak?"
- "Ang taba taba mo na"
- "Magpapayat ka nga"
- "Baliw"
"Trust is the easiest thing in the world to lose, and the hardest thing in the world to get back."
So, why am I writing again? Because I don't have anyone I could confide in. Eventhough there are few people willing to lend me their ears, I just can't bring myself to open up to them. Why? Trust issues. Again. I'm scared I'd open up to the wrong person. Because the last time I did, I got judged, mocked and invalidated.
Recently I've been ignoring people again. I've been shutting myself in my own little world again. I'm avoiding conversations that would trigger me even further and get me back to this abyss. Not because I don't care. I honestly care. But right now, I just want to be alone. Away from people that would make feel worse. Away from my friends that remind me how much I miss the old times.
"My demons, though quiet, are never quite silenced. Calm as they may be, they wait patiently for a reason to wake, take an overdue breath, and crawl back to my ear."
Making mistakes is inevitable. Small mistakes but the regret is too strong. Every night I've been hearing voices reminding me of those simple mistakes. I can't even sleep because every time I close my eyes, those little mistakes come flashing into my mind, it makes me feel bad, and all I can do is cry, makes me wish I never exist, reminds me how worthless and useless I am, and yell at my own demons to stop. Guess what, they just don't stop. Lol.
"I don't have the strength to keep writing this. To go on living with this feeling is painful beyond description. Isn't there someone kind enough to strangle me in my sleep?"
I don't know until when will I feel this way. If you tell me to seek help, I really want to but I don't know any Filipino psychiatrists here. If you tell me to talk to God, right now, my faith is totally shaken, lost. If you tell me it'll get better, I'll ask you when? If you tell me I'm being over dramatic, fvck off. I know that already. If you tell me this isn't depression, then what is this? If you tell me I'm crazy, maybe I am. But I am trying my best to keep my sanity. So please if you have nothing good to say, keep it to yourself because who knows what happens to me next. I do not need anyone to console or comfort me. I just wanted to let all this out.
By the way, these are the songs I've been listening to this past few days so you'd have an idea what I'm feeling right now:
- Logic -1-800-273-8255 - Alessia Cara & Khalid
- Drown - Bring Me The Horizon
- Lullaby - Nickelback
- Savin Me - Nickelback
- Invisible - Hunter Hayes
- Invisible - Linkin Park
- One More Light - Linkin Park
- Nobody Can Save Me - Linkin Park
- Battle Symphony - Linkin Park
- Demons - Imagine Dragons
- Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne
- How To Save A Life - The Fray
- Fix You - Coldplay