Cultivating Kindness in Fandom
Over a dozen people wished for more kindness during the 
snowflake_challenge entry on Day 4: Create a Wishlist. I already have some Resources on Kindness that I passed around, but I wanted to do more with this. Kindness doesn't happen just by wishing, you have to go out and make it happen. So here are some ideas for doing that ...
Basic Kindness
Kindness is a virtue. It is also a foundation of moral development and a point of ethics; here are some guidelines. It's important for a healthy society and a happy life. It has many benefits. Kindness makes you happy, and vice versa. Here are some ways to study it.
This is the stuff that most people learn growing up, but not everyone does. Parents usually teach their children kindness, but not all of them are that ept. So if you work with kids, make a point to model kindness as a way of teaching kindness. Make it the norm; make it a family activity. Self-kindness is important too, because if you're not kind to yourself, it's hard to be kind to anyone else. Many of the same techniques apply to teaching adults. These are low-risk steps to making the world a better place.
Treat people with courtesy. It makes everything go smoother, and it encourages other people to do likewise. Learn to practice courtesy at work, at home, and other places. Also be courteous with yourself. Here are some more ideas. If you hold a position of power, remember that punctuality is the courtesy of kings. For small children, Montessori has a whole subject area called Grace and Courtesy. This site has lessons in Grace and Courtesy along with several other subjects; look in the left sidebar. These are excellent examples of how to teach the right way to do things, politely and precisely. THINK before you speak.
Practice random acts of kindness. There are random acts of kindness for kids and for adults. Practice fandom acts of kindness too! Everyone loves positive comments on things they've posted, unless that feature is turned off. Other popular requests include recommendations of their favorite things and fanworks created based on their favorites or their own work. Look for transformative works statements and wishlists for inspiration.
Spend time with kind people. You tend to become more like the people you spend the most time with, so choose them wisely. At minimum, don't spend time around nasty people who make it harder to be kind. You don't need them dragging you down, and they don't need attention for their bad behavior. Furthermore, if you hold any position of power, enforce the No Asshole Rule and fire the bully. Your employees / volunteers / students / others in your care don't need that hostility either.
Look for kind groups. Some religions lean this way, such as Buddhists and Quakers. So do some nonprofit organizations, which you can find here. You can also start a kindness club at school or elsewhere. Here are some tools.
Practice tolerance in life. Appreciate diversity and respect differences. Let people like what they like; avoid criticizing someone else's interests unless the matter is genuinely harmful somehow. A story that bores you should be politely ignored; one that promotes harmful stereotypes might be worth challenging. Build relationships with different people.
Include people. Look at folks and smile, but don't stare; some people feel uncomfortable with too much eye contact. Make a personal connection. People may forget what you do, but they will never forget how you made they feel. Imagine that everyone is wearing a sign that reads, "Make me feel important." There are many ways to accomplish that. Then they will want to be around you, which makes it easier to include them.
Be helpful, not helpy. Phrases like "What would help?" "What do you want to do?" and "How do you want to do this?" go a long way toward kindness and cooperation. You can also just listen to people, understand their needs, and do your best to meet those needs. Leaders can make this part of the organization.
Fandom creates community and improves lives. Consider ways to introduce and convert people to your favorite fandoms. Think about what someone likes and either find a fandom that matches that, or look for matches in your favorite. Reach out to help newcomers feel welcome. You might put out a periodic "friendship bench" post in your blog or community, encouraging people to talk and make friends. Conversely, know how to join a fandom and make friends there. There are ways to make fandom more inclusive and improve its community.
Celebrate kindness holidays with a kindness calendar. Coming up is the fannish holiday More Joy Day on January 14.
Intermediate Kindness
Beyond the basics lie things that take more skill and/or consideration. Learning these expands your toolbox for making the world a better place. Some of them are a little more risky or challenging, but still feasible for many people to do.
Being kind does not mean being a doormat. Tit for tat is a robust strategy, of which an important first step is behaving as if each new person will be decent and then modifying your approach if they are not. This means that any kind people can easily connect, while resisting unkindness.
Use etiquette as a social lubricant, not as a stick to beat people with. Learn etiquette for the office, multicultural interactions, various disabilities, and other contexts. Online, use good netiquette. Remember, the details of your manners matter less than a gracious manner.
Honeybumping refers to actions meant to discourage trolling or other misbehavior by interrupting the negativity with more positive material. This includes everything from interrupting a creeper to start a fun conversation with his victim, to replying to rude messages with recipes in a chatroom. It derives from the use of headbutting for making decisions in honeybee hives. See Poke a Bigot in the Eye; the name is rough, but the technique ranges from rough to gentle.
Offer meaningful opportunities, especially when dealing with underrepresented people. Know what matters to people and give it to them. Fandom is participatory. Promote belonging by including everyone. Avoid responsibility without authority.
Use participatory decision-making to respect diverse perspectives and capitalize on their problem-solving potential. A gradient of agreement helps to understand how close a group is (or isn't) to consensus. Agile leaders notice and respond to this.
Learn nonviolent language and verbal self-defense. More on the Art of Verbal Self-Defense is available online. Speak kindly to yourself and others.
Practice intentional neighboring. In addition to doing this at home, you can do it at events. Think how much of a convention relies on volunteers! Everyone has things to give and things to receive.
Host activities. You can do this in person and/or online. It doesn't have to be a long-term commitment, although it can be. Help moderate a community if you have plenty of time. However, many communities have temporary volunteer positions because they run themes for a day, a week, or a month. You can do one and be done with it, so you don't overload yourself. Check out places like
allbingo and
snowflake_challenge for opportunities.
crowdfunding hosts the Rose and Bay Awards at the beginning of each year and always needs category handlers for that; check in November or December to volunteer.
fanart_recs has a sticky post for volunteer signups. If nothing is happening, go out and make something happen.
Advanced Kindness
Warning: Kindness is not well valued in modern mainstream society, and the more you cultivate it, the less well you tend to fit in there. When you get toward the deep end, it can scare people. Since this is not a society that tolerates difference well either, this can cause problems. It can cost you opportunities, sometimes big ones like a job or a relationship. It can also put a target on your back, since some people mistake kindness for weakness. Remember that gentleness is controlled strength.
Be an upstander. Don't put up with bullies, and stick up for people who get picked on. In particular, check out this cartoon on how to handle Islamophobia. The technique works with many types of harassment and many topics of diversion. Do you have a favorite fandom that can be summarized coherently to amuse a stranger? If so, use it. You might find other fans this way, or even inspire someone to explore it because you were nice to them. We have heroes for inspiration. Ask yourself what Captain America would do, or fill in your favorite hero.
Furthermore, if you hold any position of power, enforce the No Asshole Rule and fire the bully. Your employees / volunteers / students / others in your care don't need that hostility, and you don't need the bills it can bring. If you're a moderator, warn people once or twice and then use the banhammer to remove persistent trolls.
Use mentoring to help people develop their skills, especially underrepresented people who need to see others like them in successful positions. Know the skills that mentors and mentees need. In fandom especially, reach out to newer or younger people and help them get involved.
Lovingkindness is a spiritual and philosophical practice with many benefits. It takes time to develop. and goes through stages. This contributes to inner peace and happiness. Find meditations in text and in videos. Here are some ways to deepen the practice.
Pacifism is a commitment to nonviolence. Peace is a character strength. Learn how to live a peaceful life and become a peace activist. Here are more peaceful habits and peacemongering ideas.
Let me share an example of kindness from my early days in fandom. I was at a convention where one of the well-known fans, a farmer named Pete, had lost a large number of his cattle due to a disaster. Some folks brought a reel of black-and-white spotted ribbon and sold bits of it with the slogan, "For Pete's sake, have a cow, fan!" Nothing big or fancy about it, just a bunch of people pitching in to help a friend in need ... with a very clever twist on words that is typical of fannish culture.
Remember, nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something. Pick one activity to make the world a kinder place, large or small. Be part of the solution.
snowflake_challenge entry on Day 4: Create a Wishlist. I already have some Resources on Kindness that I passed around, but I wanted to do more with this. Kindness doesn't happen just by wishing, you have to go out and make it happen. So here are some ideas for doing that ...
Basic Kindness
Kindness is a virtue. It is also a foundation of moral development and a point of ethics; here are some guidelines. It's important for a healthy society and a happy life. It has many benefits. Kindness makes you happy, and vice versa. Here are some ways to study it.
This is the stuff that most people learn growing up, but not everyone does. Parents usually teach their children kindness, but not all of them are that ept. So if you work with kids, make a point to model kindness as a way of teaching kindness. Make it the norm; make it a family activity. Self-kindness is important too, because if you're not kind to yourself, it's hard to be kind to anyone else. Many of the same techniques apply to teaching adults. These are low-risk steps to making the world a better place.
Treat people with courtesy. It makes everything go smoother, and it encourages other people to do likewise. Learn to practice courtesy at work, at home, and other places. Also be courteous with yourself. Here are some more ideas. If you hold a position of power, remember that punctuality is the courtesy of kings. For small children, Montessori has a whole subject area called Grace and Courtesy. This site has lessons in Grace and Courtesy along with several other subjects; look in the left sidebar. These are excellent examples of how to teach the right way to do things, politely and precisely. THINK before you speak.
Practice random acts of kindness. There are random acts of kindness for kids and for adults. Practice fandom acts of kindness too! Everyone loves positive comments on things they've posted, unless that feature is turned off. Other popular requests include recommendations of their favorite things and fanworks created based on their favorites or their own work. Look for transformative works statements and wishlists for inspiration.
Spend time with kind people. You tend to become more like the people you spend the most time with, so choose them wisely. At minimum, don't spend time around nasty people who make it harder to be kind. You don't need them dragging you down, and they don't need attention for their bad behavior. Furthermore, if you hold any position of power, enforce the No Asshole Rule and fire the bully. Your employees / volunteers / students / others in your care don't need that hostility either.
Look for kind groups. Some religions lean this way, such as Buddhists and Quakers. So do some nonprofit organizations, which you can find here. You can also start a kindness club at school or elsewhere. Here are some tools.
Practice tolerance in life. Appreciate diversity and respect differences. Let people like what they like; avoid criticizing someone else's interests unless the matter is genuinely harmful somehow. A story that bores you should be politely ignored; one that promotes harmful stereotypes might be worth challenging. Build relationships with different people.
Include people. Look at folks and smile, but don't stare; some people feel uncomfortable with too much eye contact. Make a personal connection. People may forget what you do, but they will never forget how you made they feel. Imagine that everyone is wearing a sign that reads, "Make me feel important." There are many ways to accomplish that. Then they will want to be around you, which makes it easier to include them.
Be helpful, not helpy. Phrases like "What would help?" "What do you want to do?" and "How do you want to do this?" go a long way toward kindness and cooperation. You can also just listen to people, understand their needs, and do your best to meet those needs. Leaders can make this part of the organization.
Fandom creates community and improves lives. Consider ways to introduce and convert people to your favorite fandoms. Think about what someone likes and either find a fandom that matches that, or look for matches in your favorite. Reach out to help newcomers feel welcome. You might put out a periodic "friendship bench" post in your blog or community, encouraging people to talk and make friends. Conversely, know how to join a fandom and make friends there. There are ways to make fandom more inclusive and improve its community.
Celebrate kindness holidays with a kindness calendar. Coming up is the fannish holiday More Joy Day on January 14.
Intermediate Kindness
Beyond the basics lie things that take more skill and/or consideration. Learning these expands your toolbox for making the world a better place. Some of them are a little more risky or challenging, but still feasible for many people to do.
Being kind does not mean being a doormat. Tit for tat is a robust strategy, of which an important first step is behaving as if each new person will be decent and then modifying your approach if they are not. This means that any kind people can easily connect, while resisting unkindness.
Use etiquette as a social lubricant, not as a stick to beat people with. Learn etiquette for the office, multicultural interactions, various disabilities, and other contexts. Online, use good netiquette. Remember, the details of your manners matter less than a gracious manner.
Honeybumping refers to actions meant to discourage trolling or other misbehavior by interrupting the negativity with more positive material. This includes everything from interrupting a creeper to start a fun conversation with his victim, to replying to rude messages with recipes in a chatroom. It derives from the use of headbutting for making decisions in honeybee hives. See Poke a Bigot in the Eye; the name is rough, but the technique ranges from rough to gentle.
Offer meaningful opportunities, especially when dealing with underrepresented people. Know what matters to people and give it to them. Fandom is participatory. Promote belonging by including everyone. Avoid responsibility without authority.
Use participatory decision-making to respect diverse perspectives and capitalize on their problem-solving potential. A gradient of agreement helps to understand how close a group is (or isn't) to consensus. Agile leaders notice and respond to this.
Learn nonviolent language and verbal self-defense. More on the Art of Verbal Self-Defense is available online. Speak kindly to yourself and others.
Practice intentional neighboring. In addition to doing this at home, you can do it at events. Think how much of a convention relies on volunteers! Everyone has things to give and things to receive.
Host activities. You can do this in person and/or online. It doesn't have to be a long-term commitment, although it can be. Help moderate a community if you have plenty of time. However, many communities have temporary volunteer positions because they run themes for a day, a week, or a month. You can do one and be done with it, so you don't overload yourself. Check out places like
allbingo and
snowflake_challenge for opportunities.
crowdfunding hosts the Rose and Bay Awards at the beginning of each year and always needs category handlers for that; check in November or December to volunteer.
fanart_recs has a sticky post for volunteer signups. If nothing is happening, go out and make something happen.
Advanced Kindness
Warning: Kindness is not well valued in modern mainstream society, and the more you cultivate it, the less well you tend to fit in there. When you get toward the deep end, it can scare people. Since this is not a society that tolerates difference well either, this can cause problems. It can cost you opportunities, sometimes big ones like a job or a relationship. It can also put a target on your back, since some people mistake kindness for weakness. Remember that gentleness is controlled strength.
Be an upstander. Don't put up with bullies, and stick up for people who get picked on. In particular, check out this cartoon on how to handle Islamophobia. The technique works with many types of harassment and many topics of diversion. Do you have a favorite fandom that can be summarized coherently to amuse a stranger? If so, use it. You might find other fans this way, or even inspire someone to explore it because you were nice to them. We have heroes for inspiration. Ask yourself what Captain America would do, or fill in your favorite hero.
Furthermore, if you hold any position of power, enforce the No Asshole Rule and fire the bully. Your employees / volunteers / students / others in your care don't need that hostility, and you don't need the bills it can bring. If you're a moderator, warn people once or twice and then use the banhammer to remove persistent trolls.
Use mentoring to help people develop their skills, especially underrepresented people who need to see others like them in successful positions. Know the skills that mentors and mentees need. In fandom especially, reach out to newer or younger people and help them get involved.
Lovingkindness is a spiritual and philosophical practice with many benefits. It takes time to develop. and goes through stages. This contributes to inner peace and happiness. Find meditations in text and in videos. Here are some ways to deepen the practice.
Pacifism is a commitment to nonviolence. Peace is a character strength. Learn how to live a peaceful life and become a peace activist. Here are more peaceful habits and peacemongering ideas.
Let me share an example of kindness from my early days in fandom. I was at a convention where one of the well-known fans, a farmer named Pete, had lost a large number of his cattle due to a disaster. Some folks brought a reel of black-and-white spotted ribbon and sold bits of it with the slogan, "For Pete's sake, have a cow, fan!" Nothing big or fancy about it, just a bunch of people pitching in to help a friend in need ... with a very clever twist on words that is typical of fannish culture.
Remember, nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something. Pick one activity to make the world a kinder place, large or small. Be part of the solution.