(no subject)
we are young, heartache to heartache, we stand, no promises, no demands. love is a battlefield. we are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong. searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing. love is a battlefield. you're beggin me to go, you're makin me stay. why do you hurt me so bad? it would help me to know, do I stand in your way, or am I the best thing you've had? believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why. but I'm trapped by your love, and I'm chained to your side. we are young, heartache to heartache, we stand. no promises, no demands. love is a battlefield. we're losing control. will you turn me away or touch me deep inside? and before this gets old, will it still feel the same? there's no way this will die. but if we get much closer, I could lose control. and if your heart surrenders, you'll need me to hold. we are young, heartache to heartache, we stand. no promises, no demands. love is a battlefield. we are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong. searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing. love is a battlefield. we are young, heartache to hearache we stand. no promises, no demands. love is a battlefield. we are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong. searchin our hearts for so long, both of us knowing. love is a battlefield.
So. I did have everything all planned out for the future, then I didn't. Then I did again, now I don't .. again.
Its between these two...
1) Go to college while saving up money to buy an apartment in one of the following: New York, New Jersey, North/South Carolina, Virginia. When about to graduate, look for a job over yonder in one of those states, then move .. by myself. Then it is there that I will live my life.
2) Go to college while saving up money to buy an apartment in Manhatten. After college, move out there, BY MYSELF. Work for Cosmopolitan being an art director, or the design director. Or editor. :) Whichever! Wouldn't that be just fun?
BUT, here are my dilemas.
-I can't go to the east coast, cause Danny will be on the west coast.
-I hate cities. Well, I don't hate them, I would like to work in one, just not live. I want a pretty house in a nice neighbor hood, in a pretty town. I don't want to live in an aparment and not be able to own a vehicle. Cities are not living places, at all.
-if there is any close relationship in my life at the time, I won't do it.
I'll be sure to have a pet dog, maybe even cat, whichever place I go. My baby oopies would come with me. But I dunno if he'll make it that long But I'll definetly have a dog that will be my best friend.
So, one big thing that I must make sure is that I don't have a boyfriend or relationship. I just have to stay away from people, and boys .. when I'm in college. Even when Danny is gone, I don't want a relationship. I'm going to want to be alone, and be free. After being in a relationship for so long, I know I'm going to want to settle down and hang out with friends and just be by myself and focus on school. And I know damn well if there is a man in my life, I won't move because of him, and I won't do things for myself .. seriously. That stuff even happens now. I never do things for myself because I always think about them before myself. On most occasions. But I mean, for real, every action I take .. he is always first. If someone is in my life, then I won't do what I want to do for me. I know I won't. And after having such a wonderful and long and meaningful realationship with Danny, it'll be hard to be with anyone else. Because I'll just be use to him, how we did things, and whatnot.
What to do, what to do.
Things with me must be planned, and organized. I hate when they're not.
I must know what I'm doing for my junior year, even. I'm stuck now.
I really want to do advertising design at the career center. I've been focused on that since I was a freshman, anyways.
But I want to do an internship my senior year for interior design, if they have one, which they probabaly won't. If they don't for that, then I know I can get one for graphic design.
But I actually thought about it .. and career center you're gone from the school half of the day, and same with internship. I would practicly never be at the school, so I don't think that would work out.
And earlier this year I was going to try and do honors deploma (yeah right), but then remembered you can't do honors diploma if you do career center, and I was so set on doing CC, that there was no way I'd do honors diploma. Plus, you need more math credits .. and fuck that! I'm done with math my senior year!
I pity those that don't know what they want. Those that don't know what they want to do, or how they want to live their lives. Maybe its because I've always known what I've wanted to do, or what I've liked, or what I've wanted. Ever since I was little and had every little art kit I knew I would do something involved with art as a career. Not drawing, or painting .. something else, and that I would find it. Now I know what I want to do. As much as I would die to be a crime scene investigator, a cop, something in the medical field, a music journalist for Spin magazine or something, and a relationship therapist .. I know they're all out of the question because I've always known the artsy way is the way to go. I want to do something I love. Well, I love everything else, but maybe this is just more me .. ? I'd love to be all those other careers, but after I think I could possibly do them, I think .. 'no, Jamie. I'm not smart enough for those kinds of things. and I'm a creative person, and those aren't near to what I should really be doing.' And sure, it does break my heart. Everyone has a chance to do what they want. I'm not a hopeful dreamer. I mean, boy oh boy do I dream big .. huge, even. But I was never born with, or have ever had the mindset that I can actually do things. Whether its sports, or school. I don't have the confidence in myself that I can make things happen. It sucks, too. But there are things about me that I know I'm better than others. Not to be in a conceited selfish way, but I think everyone is like that with things. I guess I can just admit it. But by all means, I don't mean that everyone sucks and I'm better than you. As for instance these girls in my class. We all have the same assignment, but mine is sooo much better than theirs. I mean, not to be a bitch, but they don't use everything good enough, or to the best and most creative way it can go. They're plain, simple, boring, dull, uninspiriing, bland and whatever else and hell yeah I used a thesaurus cause I wanted to get my point across! I saw their designs and said to myself "fuck, I can be a professional compared to their shit." But then again the more my mom, my sister, my dad, my friends, anyone .. the more they yell at me, or tell me I'm doing something wrong or that I'm fucking up, the confidence I actually do have drains out of me. Whether its a simple thing to as where Danny hates when I never have money, or a big thing when my sister yells at me for doing something wrong. Or when my friends are just fucking around when they call me a slut. But we do that to eachother all the time, kidding around. Sometimes it just makes me sad. I only have one 'friend' that understands me, and knows all parts of me, and appreciates it all. Little, tiny things can bring me down. All of it builds up to where I have no confidence at all. Which is how I am, now, or 90% of the time.
-I want to go to France.
-I want to go to The Illinois Institure of Art Chicago or Harrington College of Design in Chicago, but can't because I have to stay in Indiana, and we don't have a bunch of money for it. Sure, I could go there after college to get a higher degree or whatever (I don't know what I'm talking about), but I don't want to deal with student loans and stupid shit. I guess I could save up the money, but my money is going towards the east coast.
-I want to work for a top magazine.
-I want my interior design work to be published in magazines, and on HGTV.
I guess they're goals or dreams, whatever you want to call them.
But I know I can't do it.
And that, that really does suck.
Maybe its because I don't have the drive?
Its not that I'm lazy, because I'm not a lazy person with this type of stuff. Only when it comes to cleaning.
I know I don't have the confidence, so that doesn't give me drive.
Who knows.
But anyways, this was all because I'm confused now, and I don't know what to do!
I'm scared that I'll end up staying in Elkhart, being like my parents (not that thats bad), and being like every other gayfer around here. I love this place, and it would be wonderful to raise my kids at the same place I was, and go to the same schools and whatnot, and run into old friends at the grocery store. But, I just want to get out, to bigger and better things. ..just like everyone else says they'll do, I actually want to do it.
I want to make sure I at least know what I want to do.
I just hope I do something near it,
I'm scared nothing will happen though.
Gah!
...I'm only 15, I'm only 15.
I don't even have a driver's license, I need to quit! Haha.
But, junior year .. I plan on...
-advertising design at the career center
-creative writing
The creative writing teacher is a douche though. She pisses me off. After having Mrs.Baker freshman year, and her telling me that she loved the papers I wrote. Then Mrs.Owens just didn't know what the fuck she was doing giving me a B in English, and C's on the papers I wrote. I wanted to slap her. Because I even know damn well my writing is not a C. But, shes the creative writing teacher. ...maybe its because she was going through a divorce and was taking it out on my papers. Who knows!
Freshman year we did this career searching thing.
Mine were...
-commercial art director (more graphic design approach)
-interior designer
-writer (journalist)
The colleges were for...
-commercial art director, IUPUI
-interior designer, the art institute of chicago
-wrtier, syracuse university
The colleges I want to go to as of now are IU Bloomington IUPUI, or Purdue. I don't know why, but those are the ones that appeal to me, I guess. I don't know anything about Purdue. I don't even know if they have what I want to study. Haha. Or there is the International Business College. But I don't want to go to something like that. Because I want to go to a college that has a big football team, with big football games, dorms, etc. Like High School, but bigger, better, on your own, and grown up. I would actually pass up the better college for something like that. At least right now I would. Haha. Cause I am .. gay. Anyways....
I don't have the freedom to say these kinds of things, because no one will read them or pay attention to what I have to say or care. And thats okay. I guess I don't really blame you. I like to talk about how I feel, what I want, what I don't want, what I've gone through. Because I want people to know. My speach is limited, though. I could talk about past and present relationships for a long time, and express my feelings on those, but I can't because I could upset people, and get yelled at. I could talk or write about every subject that crosses my mind, for forever. I like to take lyrics that relate to how I'm feeling, or what I really do want to say, but can't. I like to insinuate things. I like to think out of the box. I like to take lines from books, or lyrics even, and go beyond with them, and find the true meaning, or all the different kinds of meanings there could be. I've realized I'm good at that. In World Lit when people ask what something means, I already know. And I love our teacher because he lets us be free and talk and write about whatever we want. Hes an amazing teacher. I feel stupid and intimidated to be in his class, because hes too smart, too bold, and just .. awesome. I wish I knew more of things to back up my opinions most of the time, though. Cause I'm sure I could amaze him. If anything he needs to be the creative writing teacher. Sometimes I feel like I don't give all I could in that class though, and it sucks. He sure does give a lot of damn homework and writing assignments. At the beginning of class he gives us "freewrites" for less than 10 minutes where we can write about whatever we want. We can use any words we want. Because he lets us be us and be free. But 10 minutes is not enogh to express what I want. Obviously, look at how long this is...
I just can go on and on.
But it all brings me back to the point of the future.
Where whatever I'm doing now is setting me up for it.
I'm scared I'm not doing good enough.
I hate math because every stupid D I get in that class lowers my GPA and my chances in college, and on SAT's, and on whatever else. My future. I do try hard, I try so hard. I have been getting A's, and I have been paying attention, so why the fuck do I still have a D? God, it pisses me off.
Well, I've been drinking a lot of milk lately. Thats a good thing, maybe. Right?
I'm scared...
-I'm not doing the best I can, but I really do try, 93% of the time.
-What if I die?
-My daddy won't be around to watch me grow. Now I'm going to start crying just saying that.
-I won't get out of Elkhart.
-I won't find someone. I'll be lonely.
-I do find someone.
-Some huge tragedy happens. Although we all know something will.
...I just don't make it. Period.
...so many other things.
I dunno.
I guess this is long enough.
I just, want my thoughts to be out there.
And to at least pretend someone knows....
:D
P.S: you all need to get xanga's so I can keep up to date. especially YOU Ariane!!!!
So. I did have everything all planned out for the future, then I didn't. Then I did again, now I don't .. again.
Its between these two...
1) Go to college while saving up money to buy an apartment in one of the following: New York, New Jersey, North/South Carolina, Virginia. When about to graduate, look for a job over yonder in one of those states, then move .. by myself. Then it is there that I will live my life.
2) Go to college while saving up money to buy an apartment in Manhatten. After college, move out there, BY MYSELF. Work for Cosmopolitan being an art director, or the design director. Or editor. :) Whichever! Wouldn't that be just fun?
BUT, here are my dilemas.
-I can't go to the east coast, cause Danny will be on the west coast.
-I hate cities. Well, I don't hate them, I would like to work in one, just not live. I want a pretty house in a nice neighbor hood, in a pretty town. I don't want to live in an aparment and not be able to own a vehicle. Cities are not living places, at all.
-if there is any close relationship in my life at the time, I won't do it.
I'll be sure to have a pet dog, maybe even cat, whichever place I go. My baby oopies would come with me. But I dunno if he'll make it that long But I'll definetly have a dog that will be my best friend.
So, one big thing that I must make sure is that I don't have a boyfriend or relationship. I just have to stay away from people, and boys .. when I'm in college. Even when Danny is gone, I don't want a relationship. I'm going to want to be alone, and be free. After being in a relationship for so long, I know I'm going to want to settle down and hang out with friends and just be by myself and focus on school. And I know damn well if there is a man in my life, I won't move because of him, and I won't do things for myself .. seriously. That stuff even happens now. I never do things for myself because I always think about them before myself. On most occasions. But I mean, for real, every action I take .. he is always first. If someone is in my life, then I won't do what I want to do for me. I know I won't. And after having such a wonderful and long and meaningful realationship with Danny, it'll be hard to be with anyone else. Because I'll just be use to him, how we did things, and whatnot.
What to do, what to do.
Things with me must be planned, and organized. I hate when they're not.
I must know what I'm doing for my junior year, even. I'm stuck now.
I really want to do advertising design at the career center. I've been focused on that since I was a freshman, anyways.
But I want to do an internship my senior year for interior design, if they have one, which they probabaly won't. If they don't for that, then I know I can get one for graphic design.
But I actually thought about it .. and career center you're gone from the school half of the day, and same with internship. I would practicly never be at the school, so I don't think that would work out.
And earlier this year I was going to try and do honors deploma (yeah right), but then remembered you can't do honors diploma if you do career center, and I was so set on doing CC, that there was no way I'd do honors diploma. Plus, you need more math credits .. and fuck that! I'm done with math my senior year!
I pity those that don't know what they want. Those that don't know what they want to do, or how they want to live their lives. Maybe its because I've always known what I've wanted to do, or what I've liked, or what I've wanted. Ever since I was little and had every little art kit I knew I would do something involved with art as a career. Not drawing, or painting .. something else, and that I would find it. Now I know what I want to do. As much as I would die to be a crime scene investigator, a cop, something in the medical field, a music journalist for Spin magazine or something, and a relationship therapist .. I know they're all out of the question because I've always known the artsy way is the way to go. I want to do something I love. Well, I love everything else, but maybe this is just more me .. ? I'd love to be all those other careers, but after I think I could possibly do them, I think .. 'no, Jamie. I'm not smart enough for those kinds of things. and I'm a creative person, and those aren't near to what I should really be doing.' And sure, it does break my heart. Everyone has a chance to do what they want. I'm not a hopeful dreamer. I mean, boy oh boy do I dream big .. huge, even. But I was never born with, or have ever had the mindset that I can actually do things. Whether its sports, or school. I don't have the confidence in myself that I can make things happen. It sucks, too. But there are things about me that I know I'm better than others. Not to be in a conceited selfish way, but I think everyone is like that with things. I guess I can just admit it. But by all means, I don't mean that everyone sucks and I'm better than you. As for instance these girls in my class. We all have the same assignment, but mine is sooo much better than theirs. I mean, not to be a bitch, but they don't use everything good enough, or to the best and most creative way it can go. They're plain, simple, boring, dull, uninspiriing, bland and whatever else and hell yeah I used a thesaurus cause I wanted to get my point across! I saw their designs and said to myself "fuck, I can be a professional compared to their shit." But then again the more my mom, my sister, my dad, my friends, anyone .. the more they yell at me, or tell me I'm doing something wrong or that I'm fucking up, the confidence I actually do have drains out of me. Whether its a simple thing to as where Danny hates when I never have money, or a big thing when my sister yells at me for doing something wrong. Or when my friends are just fucking around when they call me a slut. But we do that to eachother all the time, kidding around. Sometimes it just makes me sad. I only have one 'friend' that understands me, and knows all parts of me, and appreciates it all. Little, tiny things can bring me down. All of it builds up to where I have no confidence at all. Which is how I am, now, or 90% of the time.
-I want to go to France.
-I want to go to The Illinois Institure of Art Chicago or Harrington College of Design in Chicago, but can't because I have to stay in Indiana, and we don't have a bunch of money for it. Sure, I could go there after college to get a higher degree or whatever (I don't know what I'm talking about), but I don't want to deal with student loans and stupid shit. I guess I could save up the money, but my money is going towards the east coast.
-I want to work for a top magazine.
-I want my interior design work to be published in magazines, and on HGTV.
I guess they're goals or dreams, whatever you want to call them.
But I know I can't do it.
And that, that really does suck.
Maybe its because I don't have the drive?
Its not that I'm lazy, because I'm not a lazy person with this type of stuff. Only when it comes to cleaning.
I know I don't have the confidence, so that doesn't give me drive.
Who knows.
But anyways, this was all because I'm confused now, and I don't know what to do!
I'm scared that I'll end up staying in Elkhart, being like my parents (not that thats bad), and being like every other gayfer around here. I love this place, and it would be wonderful to raise my kids at the same place I was, and go to the same schools and whatnot, and run into old friends at the grocery store. But, I just want to get out, to bigger and better things. ..just like everyone else says they'll do, I actually want to do it.
I want to make sure I at least know what I want to do.
I just hope I do something near it,
I'm scared nothing will happen though.
Gah!
...I'm only 15, I'm only 15.
I don't even have a driver's license, I need to quit! Haha.
But, junior year .. I plan on...
-advertising design at the career center
-creative writing
The creative writing teacher is a douche though. She pisses me off. After having Mrs.Baker freshman year, and her telling me that she loved the papers I wrote. Then Mrs.Owens just didn't know what the fuck she was doing giving me a B in English, and C's on the papers I wrote. I wanted to slap her. Because I even know damn well my writing is not a C. But, shes the creative writing teacher. ...maybe its because she was going through a divorce and was taking it out on my papers. Who knows!
Freshman year we did this career searching thing.
Mine were...
-commercial art director (more graphic design approach)
-interior designer
-writer (journalist)
The colleges were for...
-commercial art director, IUPUI
-interior designer, the art institute of chicago
-wrtier, syracuse university
The colleges I want to go to as of now are IU Bloomington IUPUI, or Purdue. I don't know why, but those are the ones that appeal to me, I guess. I don't know anything about Purdue. I don't even know if they have what I want to study. Haha. Or there is the International Business College. But I don't want to go to something like that. Because I want to go to a college that has a big football team, with big football games, dorms, etc. Like High School, but bigger, better, on your own, and grown up. I would actually pass up the better college for something like that. At least right now I would. Haha. Cause I am .. gay. Anyways....
I don't have the freedom to say these kinds of things, because no one will read them or pay attention to what I have to say or care. And thats okay. I guess I don't really blame you. I like to talk about how I feel, what I want, what I don't want, what I've gone through. Because I want people to know. My speach is limited, though. I could talk about past and present relationships for a long time, and express my feelings on those, but I can't because I could upset people, and get yelled at. I could talk or write about every subject that crosses my mind, for forever. I like to take lyrics that relate to how I'm feeling, or what I really do want to say, but can't. I like to insinuate things. I like to think out of the box. I like to take lines from books, or lyrics even, and go beyond with them, and find the true meaning, or all the different kinds of meanings there could be. I've realized I'm good at that. In World Lit when people ask what something means, I already know. And I love our teacher because he lets us be free and talk and write about whatever we want. Hes an amazing teacher. I feel stupid and intimidated to be in his class, because hes too smart, too bold, and just .. awesome. I wish I knew more of things to back up my opinions most of the time, though. Cause I'm sure I could amaze him. If anything he needs to be the creative writing teacher. Sometimes I feel like I don't give all I could in that class though, and it sucks. He sure does give a lot of damn homework and writing assignments. At the beginning of class he gives us "freewrites" for less than 10 minutes where we can write about whatever we want. We can use any words we want. Because he lets us be us and be free. But 10 minutes is not enogh to express what I want. Obviously, look at how long this is...
I just can go on and on.
But it all brings me back to the point of the future.
Where whatever I'm doing now is setting me up for it.
I'm scared I'm not doing good enough.
I hate math because every stupid D I get in that class lowers my GPA and my chances in college, and on SAT's, and on whatever else. My future. I do try hard, I try so hard. I have been getting A's, and I have been paying attention, so why the fuck do I still have a D? God, it pisses me off.
Well, I've been drinking a lot of milk lately. Thats a good thing, maybe. Right?
I'm scared...
-I'm not doing the best I can, but I really do try, 93% of the time.
-What if I die?
-My daddy won't be around to watch me grow. Now I'm going to start crying just saying that.
-I won't get out of Elkhart.
-I won't find someone. I'll be lonely.
-I do find someone.
-Some huge tragedy happens. Although we all know something will.
...I just don't make it. Period.
...so many other things.
I dunno.
I guess this is long enough.
I just, want my thoughts to be out there.
And to at least pretend someone knows....
:D
P.S: you all need to get xanga's so I can keep up to date. especially YOU Ariane!!!!