I was the one worth leaving...
I'm listening to Death Cab, and boy oh boy does it feel good. Tonight I'm just going to listen to all the old stuff. Its going to be very tempting not to listen to at least one sappy lovey rap song, but I can do it. Whenever I listen to this stuff it makes me think though. :(
I definetly just realized, that I have no friends
Me and Megan make eye contact, and I feel like I'm telling her something just by looking at her, and shes doing the same with me. I think we both know what eachother are thinking, and that its all stupid and we need to get over it. But she has a little more hatred in hers. I never felt like I could tell her anything because I feel like she'd change her opinion of me or think very less of me or something. I don't know why what Megan thought of me would be so important, but it always did. I really, really, really .. don't think I've EVER EVER had so much fun with someone than times with her. Everytime we were together we were laughing the whole time. She brought out something great and me and I don't think she realizes it. She definetly doesn't know that she means a lot to me, either.
Andrea, she just pisses me off anymore. I don't even know how to begin with her. Shes been such a bitch. Shes doing the same look thing as Megan. And me and Andrea can read eachtoher so well, and sometimes we can never get along because we think too much alike and know whats going on all the time with eachother or anyone else. Neither of us can fool eachother .. and thats why we fight so more, or have problems. How she is acting is stupid, though. Shes not happy, just by looking at her I can tell she just .. doesn't want to come to school, go out anywhere, or do anything for herself. And it sucks because I know what I'm doing to her .. but I feel like I can't do anything about it.
Farren, shes moving to a different school because she hates Memorial and the people at Memorial. So she thinks moving to a school a million times bigger, with cuter guys, a horrible guy she thinks shes in love with, and moving away from her parents will solve all her problems? Shes in for another god damn ride. But I'm still going to be here for her. To run away and just talk. We always do. I don't think I've ever been there for a 'friend' while holding her hair back while shes throwing up, or listen to every stupid rediculous problem shes had, let her cry on my shoulder, tell her things I don't think I could trust her with and come to find out shes told no one, be honest with her and tell her everything shes doing is wrong and the way shes acting is wrong. I don't know. I just might have been there for her or with her to expeirence something more than Andrea and Megan. And shes just going to leave. I hope she'll be okay. Even though that girl is the most rediculous and complicating and difficult girl in the WORLD I'm not even kidding you or exaggerating .. I still love her to death.
Aisha, I love Aisha. Shes adorable. I really .. want to be friends with her .. best friends even ..... something. But sometimes I don't think I can be that good of friends with someone where someone I really don't like or appreciate or want anything to do with .. Aisha adores so much. I don't know. I don't care if shes friends with her. But I would never be able to talk to her about something that makes a big difference with things. Not that I think she'd tell .... it would just be weird and crazy to talk to her about something that really does mean a lot to me that I'd just want someone to talk to about and believe me and trust me and know what I'm going through. Shes just too good of friends with her .. I guess
The only people I can have fun with anymore and laugh with are the guys. Whether we're joking about how I'm a "whore" and times at Dannys and the Glanders and Halloween, or if we're talking about Michael's moms dildo .. or something I think we're always laughing. Blake called me last night .. at about 10:15, and it was scary because he just said, "Jamie." and I said, "What Blake?" and he paused for like .. 30 seconds and then said, "Jamie....I just wanted to tell you...." and I was like, "What what happened!?" and he said, "Nothing, I just wanted you to know that you pass Andrea and Farren on the cool list." and I said, "Whyyy, what happened?" cause I figured something had happened between him and Andrea like they got in a fight or something .. and he said, "Nothing, I just, wanted you to know." and I laughed and said, "Okay Blake. Thanks." and then he just said bye and we hung up. It was cute. Blake isn't like that. And it was just weird. Crazy. Even though me and Blake have had our little 'fling' in the past, I don't think I regret ever feeling that way about him. Not that I do now .. ew .. no that feeling is definetly gone once he just ... really .. broke .. my heart or something. I like how I can still fuck around with him and make jokes and things not be weird. Haha, sometimes they are, and everyone just looks at eachother and laughs ... well .... besides Andrea and Megan or something. I don't care. All I want to do is laugh and joke and make fun. I don't want things to be serious and dramatic. Why don't they realize they need to stop being up their own asses and start having fun? Its stupid. They're always going to hold this against me and its going to be dumb. And Brock. Haha, I love Brock. Hes being a butthole lately, but still hes my best friend or something. At lunch I was really tired and setting next to him. And I knew I could just set my head on his shoulder and people wouldn't make a fit about it .. or even hopefully Danny wouldn't either because Brock is my friend and there has never been anything like that between me and him. I fell asleep ... and him and Matt just kept telling Ben to stop whatever it is he was doing to me. I dont know. I can definetly trust Brock. And this year, or even in the past few months .. me and him have really gotten better friends and I love it more and more. Even though these guys mess with me all the time saying stupid stuff .. or talking about Danny and me or something ... they always say their joking, and even though sometimes stuff is true, they just make jokes because they know I won't throw a fit about it. Sometimes I will, but usually I just joke back and not care. And Matt. Haha. He is a reeetard. But hes still great. I don't know .. everyone else. Anyone that doesn't get all hyped up and bothered and all retarded by anything can be my best friend because I'm sick of the stupid bullshit. Really. I am. I don't know. If Andrea and Megan want to think I'm throwing everything away then thats their fault or their loss I guess. They think I just don't care or something. But they don't know one god damn thing about me anymore because they think I'm blowing them off. I didn't feel like dealing with 9273690746907346 people at that one Concord game, so I didn't go. Big deal. Seriously. I wasn't making excuses. I really did not even want to go. The other Concord game with Brock and Blake with them too, I was tired, I wanted to go home, I had homework, I had to take a shower, I hadn't been home all weekend prior to that. I still had fun! They dont know anything about me anymoer because they're thinking the dumbest things. If they only fucking knew. If they only asked or tried. I did. I have tried. But no, every time it doesn't work. Whos fault is that? Not mine. I call Megan, I try to talk to them at school. They're looking at this totally different, and its really stupid. I seriously understand where they're coming from .. but if they stop being such buttholes maybe they'd realize.
So therefore, I've realized I'm friendless. Even though I don't ever have time for friends anymore, which isn't the excuse its the damn truth, sometimes it would be great to just set down with someone, that I could fully trust with everything, and talk for hours upon hours. You can never find someone like that. And if you think you have it, you end up being disappointed.
I just get sick of being lied to, stepped on, and disappointed every where I go. I really am. Like I said before, I really don't deserve some of the shit I always take.
If I just lose weight from softball .. get a work out and not dread it every day. Get spring. Get happy songs. Happy movies. Happy outdoors. Trust. Good grades. My family. No lies. No fights. And most of all Danny.....
I'll be fine.
If "friends" want to act like some damn fools .. then fine. It is not my fault.
You never trade your friends for your boyfriend, and that is what they think happened.
Well fucking wake up and do something about it then if you love me.
And sometimes I just feel like me and Danny fight. Fight fight fight, bicket, argument, mad, angry, fight. Somethiing. I think there is tension between us a lot. We're either at our highest times .. or are going at eachother. It sucks. There are so many highs and lows with us. Its crazy. I love him nonetheless. Whatever he thinks, or anyone else I guess. Even though I hate the arguments .. sometimes maybe we can never .. just ..... gosh ...... I don't know what. But its something. And .. we need to fix it now. :(
BOARDIES BOARDIES! PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!!!!!!!!
Andrea and Farren at the Memorial vs Central (rivals) game. Way beginning of freshman year.
^ Me and Meggie at one of the games.
^ Me, Casey, Farren, Keesha, Blake, and Ashley at lunch. The greatest lunch hour ever. This was last semester.
^ Me and Farren before Halloween. That was one fun night. <3
^ Us on Halloween! I had sooooo much fun that night you have NO idea. I loved it so much and I still do. I looooved it. Tiffany, Kristen, Casey, Farren, Blake, me, and Andrea.
^ Me and Mallory the night of the winter dance when I didn't go. That whole day we spend together shopping and having the greatst fun. It was awesome. At the time it was definetly what eachother needed.
^ Winter dance when everyone went. It was so sad to see all of them and not be apart of it. They look so cute.
^ Me and Megan before one of our games. I love her to death.
^ Sadie Hawkins Dance. February 26. We came to my house and took pictures with the tractor and the cows in the background. Haha. It was fun. These are the guys. Cam in the light blue, Brock next to him in the pink, Matt in the back with the white, and David in the plaid blue.
^ Now the ladies! Me, Andrea, Casey, and Megan.
If no one has noticed, poker is the new big thing and its huge here. We all play it .. all the time .. whenever we can. Its kind of dying down just because it got really out of hand with people. But here they're playing blackjack. Haha. Its Mac, Julie, Johnny, and Alex.
^ Johnny
^ Kyle and Aisha. They're adorable together. I love it.
^ Me and Aish.
Me and Danny. <3 I love it.
^ I love pictures like this and made him take a bunch! :D
here is a little of me....how I be lookin these days...a lot of them are photoshop so sorry. :-\
I definetly just realized, that I have no friends
Me and Megan make eye contact, and I feel like I'm telling her something just by looking at her, and shes doing the same with me. I think we both know what eachother are thinking, and that its all stupid and we need to get over it. But she has a little more hatred in hers. I never felt like I could tell her anything because I feel like she'd change her opinion of me or think very less of me or something. I don't know why what Megan thought of me would be so important, but it always did. I really, really, really .. don't think I've EVER EVER had so much fun with someone than times with her. Everytime we were together we were laughing the whole time. She brought out something great and me and I don't think she realizes it. She definetly doesn't know that she means a lot to me, either.
Andrea, she just pisses me off anymore. I don't even know how to begin with her. Shes been such a bitch. Shes doing the same look thing as Megan. And me and Andrea can read eachtoher so well, and sometimes we can never get along because we think too much alike and know whats going on all the time with eachother or anyone else. Neither of us can fool eachother .. and thats why we fight so more, or have problems. How she is acting is stupid, though. Shes not happy, just by looking at her I can tell she just .. doesn't want to come to school, go out anywhere, or do anything for herself. And it sucks because I know what I'm doing to her .. but I feel like I can't do anything about it.
Farren, shes moving to a different school because she hates Memorial and the people at Memorial. So she thinks moving to a school a million times bigger, with cuter guys, a horrible guy she thinks shes in love with, and moving away from her parents will solve all her problems? Shes in for another god damn ride. But I'm still going to be here for her. To run away and just talk. We always do. I don't think I've ever been there for a 'friend' while holding her hair back while shes throwing up, or listen to every stupid rediculous problem shes had, let her cry on my shoulder, tell her things I don't think I could trust her with and come to find out shes told no one, be honest with her and tell her everything shes doing is wrong and the way shes acting is wrong. I don't know. I just might have been there for her or with her to expeirence something more than Andrea and Megan. And shes just going to leave. I hope she'll be okay. Even though that girl is the most rediculous and complicating and difficult girl in the WORLD I'm not even kidding you or exaggerating .. I still love her to death.
Aisha, I love Aisha. Shes adorable. I really .. want to be friends with her .. best friends even ..... something. But sometimes I don't think I can be that good of friends with someone where someone I really don't like or appreciate or want anything to do with .. Aisha adores so much. I don't know. I don't care if shes friends with her. But I would never be able to talk to her about something that makes a big difference with things. Not that I think she'd tell .... it would just be weird and crazy to talk to her about something that really does mean a lot to me that I'd just want someone to talk to about and believe me and trust me and know what I'm going through. Shes just too good of friends with her .. I guess
The only people I can have fun with anymore and laugh with are the guys. Whether we're joking about how I'm a "whore" and times at Dannys and the Glanders and Halloween, or if we're talking about Michael's moms dildo .. or something I think we're always laughing. Blake called me last night .. at about 10:15, and it was scary because he just said, "Jamie." and I said, "What Blake?" and he paused for like .. 30 seconds and then said, "Jamie....I just wanted to tell you...." and I was like, "What what happened!?" and he said, "Nothing, I just wanted you to know that you pass Andrea and Farren on the cool list." and I said, "Whyyy, what happened?" cause I figured something had happened between him and Andrea like they got in a fight or something .. and he said, "Nothing, I just, wanted you to know." and I laughed and said, "Okay Blake. Thanks." and then he just said bye and we hung up. It was cute. Blake isn't like that. And it was just weird. Crazy. Even though me and Blake have had our little 'fling' in the past, I don't think I regret ever feeling that way about him. Not that I do now .. ew .. no that feeling is definetly gone once he just ... really .. broke .. my heart or something. I like how I can still fuck around with him and make jokes and things not be weird. Haha, sometimes they are, and everyone just looks at eachother and laughs ... well .... besides Andrea and Megan or something. I don't care. All I want to do is laugh and joke and make fun. I don't want things to be serious and dramatic. Why don't they realize they need to stop being up their own asses and start having fun? Its stupid. They're always going to hold this against me and its going to be dumb. And Brock. Haha, I love Brock. Hes being a butthole lately, but still hes my best friend or something. At lunch I was really tired and setting next to him. And I knew I could just set my head on his shoulder and people wouldn't make a fit about it .. or even hopefully Danny wouldn't either because Brock is my friend and there has never been anything like that between me and him. I fell asleep ... and him and Matt just kept telling Ben to stop whatever it is he was doing to me. I dont know. I can definetly trust Brock. And this year, or even in the past few months .. me and him have really gotten better friends and I love it more and more. Even though these guys mess with me all the time saying stupid stuff .. or talking about Danny and me or something ... they always say their joking, and even though sometimes stuff is true, they just make jokes because they know I won't throw a fit about it. Sometimes I will, but usually I just joke back and not care. And Matt. Haha. He is a reeetard. But hes still great. I don't know .. everyone else. Anyone that doesn't get all hyped up and bothered and all retarded by anything can be my best friend because I'm sick of the stupid bullshit. Really. I am. I don't know. If Andrea and Megan want to think I'm throwing everything away then thats their fault or their loss I guess. They think I just don't care or something. But they don't know one god damn thing about me anymore because they think I'm blowing them off. I didn't feel like dealing with 9273690746907346 people at that one Concord game, so I didn't go. Big deal. Seriously. I wasn't making excuses. I really did not even want to go. The other Concord game with Brock and Blake with them too, I was tired, I wanted to go home, I had homework, I had to take a shower, I hadn't been home all weekend prior to that. I still had fun! They dont know anything about me anymoer because they're thinking the dumbest things. If they only fucking knew. If they only asked or tried. I did. I have tried. But no, every time it doesn't work. Whos fault is that? Not mine. I call Megan, I try to talk to them at school. They're looking at this totally different, and its really stupid. I seriously understand where they're coming from .. but if they stop being such buttholes maybe they'd realize.
So therefore, I've realized I'm friendless. Even though I don't ever have time for friends anymore, which isn't the excuse its the damn truth, sometimes it would be great to just set down with someone, that I could fully trust with everything, and talk for hours upon hours. You can never find someone like that. And if you think you have it, you end up being disappointed.
I just get sick of being lied to, stepped on, and disappointed every where I go. I really am. Like I said before, I really don't deserve some of the shit I always take.
If I just lose weight from softball .. get a work out and not dread it every day. Get spring. Get happy songs. Happy movies. Happy outdoors. Trust. Good grades. My family. No lies. No fights. And most of all Danny.....
I'll be fine.
If "friends" want to act like some damn fools .. then fine. It is not my fault.
You never trade your friends for your boyfriend, and that is what they think happened.
Well fucking wake up and do something about it then if you love me.
And sometimes I just feel like me and Danny fight. Fight fight fight, bicket, argument, mad, angry, fight. Somethiing. I think there is tension between us a lot. We're either at our highest times .. or are going at eachother. It sucks. There are so many highs and lows with us. Its crazy. I love him nonetheless. Whatever he thinks, or anyone else I guess. Even though I hate the arguments .. sometimes maybe we can never .. just ..... gosh ...... I don't know what. But its something. And .. we need to fix it now. :(
BOARDIES BOARDIES! PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES!!!!!!!!
Andrea and Farren at the Memorial vs Central (rivals) game. Way beginning of freshman year.
^ Me and Meggie at one of the games.
^ Me, Casey, Farren, Keesha, Blake, and Ashley at lunch. The greatest lunch hour ever. This was last semester.
^ Me and Farren before Halloween. That was one fun night. <3
^ Us on Halloween! I had sooooo much fun that night you have NO idea. I loved it so much and I still do. I looooved it. Tiffany, Kristen, Casey, Farren, Blake, me, and Andrea.
^ Me and Mallory the night of the winter dance when I didn't go. That whole day we spend together shopping and having the greatst fun. It was awesome. At the time it was definetly what eachother needed.
^ Winter dance when everyone went. It was so sad to see all of them and not be apart of it. They look so cute.
^ Me and Megan before one of our games. I love her to death.
^ Sadie Hawkins Dance. February 26. We came to my house and took pictures with the tractor and the cows in the background. Haha. It was fun. These are the guys. Cam in the light blue, Brock next to him in the pink, Matt in the back with the white, and David in the plaid blue.
^ Now the ladies! Me, Andrea, Casey, and Megan.
If no one has noticed, poker is the new big thing and its huge here. We all play it .. all the time .. whenever we can. Its kind of dying down just because it got really out of hand with people. But here they're playing blackjack. Haha. Its Mac, Julie, Johnny, and Alex.
^ Johnny
^ Kyle and Aisha. They're adorable together. I love it.
^ Me and Aish.
Me and Danny. <3 I love it.
^ I love pictures like this and made him take a bunch! :D
here is a little of me....how I be lookin these days...a lot of them are photoshop so sorry. :-\