Reminders of the youth we lost....
Well .. my birthday was Friday. I had a good weekend. I had softball practice at 4:30 till 8:30 Friday though. I only went until 6:15. Had plans with the family for the birthday. My mom got me one of those digi cams that comes with the printer where you don't need the computer. Its great. And .. I seriously take so many pictures its insane. So this is cool. Now I won't have to pay so much to take disposable cameras to a store anymore. And .. my own digital camera. Its pretty nice, too. Decent. I don't need anything too high tect I guess. And I printed a picture, it came out pretty. Its of Oopies. And I hung it on the fridge! Speaking of cats, my other cat, Chi-Chi just died about a week ago. Yeah .. exactly a week ago. :'( We had her since we were 2. But, anyways, Saturday I went to Dannys. We hung out all day and watched THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON OF THE OC because he got it for me for my birthday. :D He loves the show now. And he can't stop watching it. But I won't let him watch anything without me. It sucks for him jumping into the 1st episode with only seeing half of the 2nd one. Oh well, he can live. Hehe. And we're officialy going out. Hes great. I'll post a picture at the end of this thing. Today, I cleaned my room. Its nearly done. I just have a few things to pick up. Everything is hung on the walls and YES. Its great. I love it. My mom got me flowers for my birthday, and I hate it because they stink up my room so bad. Like, flowers smell real good, but its something about them that always makes things smell really bad. But its okay, right?
Tonight/today/this weekend I feel like I grew up somehow. I do feel older actually. 15 now. Wahoo. I guess. Whatever. Aisha told me its going to be the slowest year ever. I hope not. Just one more year till I'm 16. I just hope everything goes great. Till then .. after then. I'm so scared that I'm looking so forward to it that something will just ... ruin it all. A big thing. Just my luck, right? Well, I hope not. But anyways, for some reason .. for one second I just felt like being alone. With no one .. you know. I mean, I'm perfect where I'm at. But it would be nice to go somewhere by yourself, be alone .. do something for yourself. I felt like I didn't want anyone. I don't neeed anyone. I don't want the pressure and fear and worries of having someone. I don't want fights, or even small little arguments. Maybe I don't want someone running after me. For that perfect and cute little moment that you see in movies. Its what I've always wanted, but for some reason .. for one second tonight I just didn't want any of it. I feel like I've been around people so much this year even. I haven't yet once been by myself. Some night I wish that mom and dad would go out, and Jackie would go out with FRIENDS or John or something, and Danny will be playing poker and winning money then call me when hes done and tell me he loves me and he misses me and that the next day we'd spend together and together only and that things are perfect and hes happy I stayed home that night .... and I'd have the house all to myself. All evening .. all night. Just relaxing and watching chick flicks and eating popcorn and ice cream. Setting on the internet listen to cute songs I haven't had time to listen to before. Catching up on old memories with pictures and old journal entries. NOT having to worry about softball. Cleaning my room listening to old Ataris CDs. Or Northstar. The Bled. As I Lay Dying. Bright Eyes. The Starting Line. Old stuff. Old pictures. Even from when I was in elementary. Sometime where things would remind me of times where you didn't have to deal with stupid shit. Pressure of high school, parents, teachers, friends, boyfriends, any kind of boy, parties, being cool, sports, PMS, stupid girls, looking cute .. and most of all DRAMA. When I was little I would seriously write stories of times when I'd be in high scool. I looked up to my cousin Erin so much and wanted to be just like here. Well here it all is. I'm doing good. I'm a cheerleader, like her. I play sports, like her. I've had boys lined up for me, like her. I've had rap music, like her. I've wanted to dance, like her. I want to be more school spirited than ever, like her. I want to be popular, like her. And so far, out of freshman year I've realized things were a lot different in the late late 90's and early 2000. I don't think there was any drama like then. I have everything where I want it, how I want it. But it seems like somethings missing. Then again it doesn't. This is how things are in movies. And I've wanted my life to be like a movie. But I feel like I'm better than those characters. And I feel ilke I'm more of a normal person than those characters. I have a life, a conscious. I think I've hurt a lot of people. I don't mean to. And I feel like I don't have a best friend. I mean, I have my girls .. Andrea, Megan, Farren .... but they're all too trapped in their own little world to realize how things REALLY are. I mean, look at everything. We've had numerous friends die out of nowhere, we've all changed so much, we've all been friends .. then enemies .. then friends again. I don't think any of us know who we are anymore. I think we're all hiding. Behind everything. None of us can tell eachother anything. Because I can certainly not trust any of my friends. And if I can, it would have to be Brock and hes a guy. Sometimes I just know he'll believe me and not tell anyone. But with the girls, I feel like I just cant tell Megan anything for some reason. I feel like she'll not care or something or think wrong of me. Andrea, sometimes Megan always told me stuff shes said about me. Like her walking down the hall with Ashley and Ashely saying she hates me and Danny together and that we look stupid together and Andrea just laughing and agreeing. Sometimes I just don't even want to deal with bullshit and just brush it off because if they treat me like that then fine their not my friend and I can't deal with their shit. But me and Andrea just end up telling eachother everything anyways and I help that girl out with so much and I'm glad. Although sometimes she realyl does mess things up, oh well. And .. I feel like if I tell her something, she'll definitely tell someone else. Its just .. how I feel. Besides certain things I know she won't. I knowww that. I know what to trust her with, and what not to. And Farren. Shes just plain ol messed up. She has everything going for her, and she just messes up. I want to tell her things, because I think I'm the only one she can trust and talk to that will actually listen to her. She complains a lot, about everything .. but I don't care because I know she just wants someone to listen and someone to be there for her. And I always am. I won't leave that girl behind. Shes leaving Memorial. Just leaving. Straight up leaving all of us. Forgetting. Its bullshit. I don't know. I've bended down backwards for my friends. And I'm serious. I have. I really feel like I've done verything possible for those girls. And I always will. No matter what. And whats stupid about it is I know .. I knoooww .. they would never do something like that for me. I feel like they wouldn't. Liek I siad, their in their own little high school drama world. I feel like I'm the only one looking outside sometimes. I jsut want someone to talk to .. to tell everything to and know they wouldn't tell anyone or something. Someone that would bend over backwards for me. Someone who would understand. Ever since Danny came along, I haven't been around my friends really and I know that. And I think its because of everything I've done for them .. and nothing recieved, that .. you know .. I guess I don't matter? I don't know. I know they miss me a lot, and I miss them too. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. They mean the world to me, and I wish that .. they would understand where I'm coming from. Which leads me to where I began. Because of not having friends anymore .. because of being around a boy allll the time I can and adoring so much that it makes me mad .. because of school pressuring me so much .. because of having softball 24/7 and working so hard for it when not even having a fun time while doing it ................. I just feel like I deserve so much more than whats been happening to me. I want something good. Something great. Danny is the best thing that may have happened to me in a long time. I haven't had someone like this. And I'm greatful for it. Really. But besides him .... I want something good for myself. I want .. to actually PLAY softball and not be fucked around with it. I want my parents to think I'm not out having sex all the time and that I'm spending time with friends I LOVE and a boy I adore spending those very seconds with. I want someone to tell me I write amazing stories and make something of it. I want someone to tell me I made a great art piece. I want to be ASKED for to do something someone thinks I'm great in. I want to be good and succeed in school. I want to be able to work HARD for things. I want to not be lazy. I want to not be compared to my sister. I want my sister to not yell at me for rediculous things such as not being at her car when she wants, or turning down her radio so I can talk on the phone for 2 seconds, or to not be critizied for if I listen to rap music, or to not be yelled at for if I want to rent a certain movie, or to not be looked down on because I won't go to shows or something. I got away from that because it was stupid, and look at it all now, its still stupid. Idon't want to deal with 'hardcore alcoholic I'm too good for anyone' bullshit. It was stupid then its stupid now. I want to be an AMAZING writer. I want to be knowledgable about everything. I can still listen to great music without being at a show or getting a new CD all the time. I want people to look through me and see me as smart and funny and more than just Hollister clothing and a party girl. I LIKE to read good books about drugged up kids and I listen to really good music. Sometimes I just want to flaunt all the good thigns I'm proud of myself for. I want to be able to name off a bunch of great bands that someone that things I just listen to rap and am all wrapped up in the teen drama bullshit .. and then see their opinion on me is. I want to go to the library and read a great book about fucked up teenagers .. but I can't. Because if its not softball, then its Danny. And if its not Danny .. then I'm sleeping. I never have time for anything. So ..... I want to be able to lay down in my own room, listen to the music as loud as I want. Wether its rap, hardcore, emo, or pop-punk whinny ass bullshit music. I want to look at old pictures and cry and smile because I know they were great. I want to read my stories about times that I'm living now and times that I've been waiting for now.
But then reality comes to mind. And I realize that....
-no .. my parents won't ever leave the house.
-no, my sister won't ever stop yelling at me for things I can't control.
-no, Danny won't leave my side, and I won't let him anyways.
-no, my friends won't ever understand me or try to.
-no, I won't EVER be able to get away from softball for the next 4 months.
-no, I won't be able to read a good book.
-no, I won't be able to find a new amazing band that changes my life.
-no, I won't ever be good at math.
-no, I won't ever stopped being look at as "just another girl"
Sometimes I miss Mikal.
Sometimes I miss the shows.
Sometimes I miss Nichole.
Sometimes I miss Gunk.
Sometimes I miss Kingston Falls.
Sometimes I miss Goshen.
Sometimes I miss shows.
Sometimes I miss the anticipation of going to a concert.
Sometimes I miss the feeling of a new band changing your life, and giving you a new lyric to love.
But then reality comes to mind .. and I think that was me then. This is me now. I'm still that person anyways. People don't see that. All those old friends, all those old people. Tony, Joey, Aaron, Mikal, Aaron, Alex, Megan, Mallory, Jackie. I think they they think I'm some completely different person and I've changed into the typical fake clique at school. Well, those are my friends, and they have made me into something I love now.
I love being with Danny. I think hes really taught me a lot. About stupid stuff. About poker. About music maybe. Cars. Food. Friends. People. ........love..........
All I know is hes made me so more open that I've ever been.
I've changed so much.
I love myself now.
I loved myself then.
Now its, YOUR love me now.
I am no different, but I am changed.
AS TO ALL THE OLD LIVEJOURNAL FRIENDS: ariane, britt, ashley THIS APLIES TO YOU. HERE ARE SOME PICTURES. WHY DON'T YOU CATCH UP, OKAY?
timout; the computer is going crazy and won't let me load some sites, tomarrow though there will be an entry specifically for you girls okay? I miss you all. And I miss the board. I miss the talks too. I hope your all doing better than me. <33
Tonight/today/this weekend I feel like I grew up somehow. I do feel older actually. 15 now. Wahoo. I guess. Whatever. Aisha told me its going to be the slowest year ever. I hope not. Just one more year till I'm 16. I just hope everything goes great. Till then .. after then. I'm so scared that I'm looking so forward to it that something will just ... ruin it all. A big thing. Just my luck, right? Well, I hope not. But anyways, for some reason .. for one second I just felt like being alone. With no one .. you know. I mean, I'm perfect where I'm at. But it would be nice to go somewhere by yourself, be alone .. do something for yourself. I felt like I didn't want anyone. I don't neeed anyone. I don't want the pressure and fear and worries of having someone. I don't want fights, or even small little arguments. Maybe I don't want someone running after me. For that perfect and cute little moment that you see in movies. Its what I've always wanted, but for some reason .. for one second tonight I just didn't want any of it. I feel like I've been around people so much this year even. I haven't yet once been by myself. Some night I wish that mom and dad would go out, and Jackie would go out with FRIENDS or John or something, and Danny will be playing poker and winning money then call me when hes done and tell me he loves me and he misses me and that the next day we'd spend together and together only and that things are perfect and hes happy I stayed home that night .... and I'd have the house all to myself. All evening .. all night. Just relaxing and watching chick flicks and eating popcorn and ice cream. Setting on the internet listen to cute songs I haven't had time to listen to before. Catching up on old memories with pictures and old journal entries. NOT having to worry about softball. Cleaning my room listening to old Ataris CDs. Or Northstar. The Bled. As I Lay Dying. Bright Eyes. The Starting Line. Old stuff. Old pictures. Even from when I was in elementary. Sometime where things would remind me of times where you didn't have to deal with stupid shit. Pressure of high school, parents, teachers, friends, boyfriends, any kind of boy, parties, being cool, sports, PMS, stupid girls, looking cute .. and most of all DRAMA. When I was little I would seriously write stories of times when I'd be in high scool. I looked up to my cousin Erin so much and wanted to be just like here. Well here it all is. I'm doing good. I'm a cheerleader, like her. I play sports, like her. I've had boys lined up for me, like her. I've had rap music, like her. I've wanted to dance, like her. I want to be more school spirited than ever, like her. I want to be popular, like her. And so far, out of freshman year I've realized things were a lot different in the late late 90's and early 2000. I don't think there was any drama like then. I have everything where I want it, how I want it. But it seems like somethings missing. Then again it doesn't. This is how things are in movies. And I've wanted my life to be like a movie. But I feel like I'm better than those characters. And I feel ilke I'm more of a normal person than those characters. I have a life, a conscious. I think I've hurt a lot of people. I don't mean to. And I feel like I don't have a best friend. I mean, I have my girls .. Andrea, Megan, Farren .... but they're all too trapped in their own little world to realize how things REALLY are. I mean, look at everything. We've had numerous friends die out of nowhere, we've all changed so much, we've all been friends .. then enemies .. then friends again. I don't think any of us know who we are anymore. I think we're all hiding. Behind everything. None of us can tell eachother anything. Because I can certainly not trust any of my friends. And if I can, it would have to be Brock and hes a guy. Sometimes I just know he'll believe me and not tell anyone. But with the girls, I feel like I just cant tell Megan anything for some reason. I feel like she'll not care or something or think wrong of me. Andrea, sometimes Megan always told me stuff shes said about me. Like her walking down the hall with Ashley and Ashely saying she hates me and Danny together and that we look stupid together and Andrea just laughing and agreeing. Sometimes I just don't even want to deal with bullshit and just brush it off because if they treat me like that then fine their not my friend and I can't deal with their shit. But me and Andrea just end up telling eachother everything anyways and I help that girl out with so much and I'm glad. Although sometimes she realyl does mess things up, oh well. And .. I feel like if I tell her something, she'll definitely tell someone else. Its just .. how I feel. Besides certain things I know she won't. I knowww that. I know what to trust her with, and what not to. And Farren. Shes just plain ol messed up. She has everything going for her, and she just messes up. I want to tell her things, because I think I'm the only one she can trust and talk to that will actually listen to her. She complains a lot, about everything .. but I don't care because I know she just wants someone to listen and someone to be there for her. And I always am. I won't leave that girl behind. Shes leaving Memorial. Just leaving. Straight up leaving all of us. Forgetting. Its bullshit. I don't know. I've bended down backwards for my friends. And I'm serious. I have. I really feel like I've done verything possible for those girls. And I always will. No matter what. And whats stupid about it is I know .. I knoooww .. they would never do something like that for me. I feel like they wouldn't. Liek I siad, their in their own little high school drama world. I feel like I'm the only one looking outside sometimes. I jsut want someone to talk to .. to tell everything to and know they wouldn't tell anyone or something. Someone that would bend over backwards for me. Someone who would understand. Ever since Danny came along, I haven't been around my friends really and I know that. And I think its because of everything I've done for them .. and nothing recieved, that .. you know .. I guess I don't matter? I don't know. I know they miss me a lot, and I miss them too. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. They mean the world to me, and I wish that .. they would understand where I'm coming from. Which leads me to where I began. Because of not having friends anymore .. because of being around a boy allll the time I can and adoring so much that it makes me mad .. because of school pressuring me so much .. because of having softball 24/7 and working so hard for it when not even having a fun time while doing it ................. I just feel like I deserve so much more than whats been happening to me. I want something good. Something great. Danny is the best thing that may have happened to me in a long time. I haven't had someone like this. And I'm greatful for it. Really. But besides him .... I want something good for myself. I want .. to actually PLAY softball and not be fucked around with it. I want my parents to think I'm not out having sex all the time and that I'm spending time with friends I LOVE and a boy I adore spending those very seconds with. I want someone to tell me I write amazing stories and make something of it. I want someone to tell me I made a great art piece. I want to be ASKED for to do something someone thinks I'm great in. I want to be good and succeed in school. I want to be able to work HARD for things. I want to not be lazy. I want to not be compared to my sister. I want my sister to not yell at me for rediculous things such as not being at her car when she wants, or turning down her radio so I can talk on the phone for 2 seconds, or to not be critizied for if I listen to rap music, or to not be yelled at for if I want to rent a certain movie, or to not be looked down on because I won't go to shows or something. I got away from that because it was stupid, and look at it all now, its still stupid. Idon't want to deal with 'hardcore alcoholic I'm too good for anyone' bullshit. It was stupid then its stupid now. I want to be an AMAZING writer. I want to be knowledgable about everything. I can still listen to great music without being at a show or getting a new CD all the time. I want people to look through me and see me as smart and funny and more than just Hollister clothing and a party girl. I LIKE to read good books about drugged up kids and I listen to really good music. Sometimes I just want to flaunt all the good thigns I'm proud of myself for. I want to be able to name off a bunch of great bands that someone that things I just listen to rap and am all wrapped up in the teen drama bullshit .. and then see their opinion on me is. I want to go to the library and read a great book about fucked up teenagers .. but I can't. Because if its not softball, then its Danny. And if its not Danny .. then I'm sleeping. I never have time for anything. So ..... I want to be able to lay down in my own room, listen to the music as loud as I want. Wether its rap, hardcore, emo, or pop-punk whinny ass bullshit music. I want to look at old pictures and cry and smile because I know they were great. I want to read my stories about times that I'm living now and times that I've been waiting for now.
But then reality comes to mind. And I realize that....
-no .. my parents won't ever leave the house.
-no, my sister won't ever stop yelling at me for things I can't control.
-no, Danny won't leave my side, and I won't let him anyways.
-no, my friends won't ever understand me or try to.
-no, I won't EVER be able to get away from softball for the next 4 months.
-no, I won't be able to read a good book.
-no, I won't be able to find a new amazing band that changes my life.
-no, I won't ever be good at math.
-no, I won't ever stopped being look at as "just another girl"
Sometimes I miss Mikal.
Sometimes I miss the shows.
Sometimes I miss Nichole.
Sometimes I miss Gunk.
Sometimes I miss Kingston Falls.
Sometimes I miss Goshen.
Sometimes I miss shows.
Sometimes I miss the anticipation of going to a concert.
Sometimes I miss the feeling of a new band changing your life, and giving you a new lyric to love.
But then reality comes to mind .. and I think that was me then. This is me now. I'm still that person anyways. People don't see that. All those old friends, all those old people. Tony, Joey, Aaron, Mikal, Aaron, Alex, Megan, Mallory, Jackie. I think they they think I'm some completely different person and I've changed into the typical fake clique at school. Well, those are my friends, and they have made me into something I love now.
I love being with Danny. I think hes really taught me a lot. About stupid stuff. About poker. About music maybe. Cars. Food. Friends. People. ........love..........
All I know is hes made me so more open that I've ever been.
I've changed so much.
I love myself now.
I loved myself then.
Now its, YOUR love me now.
I am no different, but I am changed.
AS TO ALL THE OLD LIVEJOURNAL FRIENDS: ariane, britt, ashley THIS APLIES TO YOU. HERE ARE SOME PICTURES. WHY DON'T YOU CATCH UP, OKAY?
timout; the computer is going crazy and won't let me load some sites, tomarrow though there will be an entry specifically for you girls okay? I miss you all. And I miss the board. I miss the talks too. I hope your all doing better than me. <33