i feel sooo weird right now
things in california are crazy-beautiful, hot, and a great place to get writing inspiration. i leave on sunday to come back home to nashville not knowing what the summer will hold for me. will i stay in nashville with my band (which will be - a drummer) and get a job, and not go to school next semester, or will i move out to california and pursue a writing career which i am not fit for yet...god i need to expand my vocabulary and practice that shit before i think of doing anything publish-worthy. i am writing a book, however. whether or not it will be ridiculously stupid, who knows.
my head is going in circles right now, and i dont know if anything i've said to anyone in the last few days has made sense. i seem to be in some kind of dilusioned state of false realities. it's awful. but aside from that, things are peachy. i think it is quite possible that love will eventually do me in, and i will succumb to the pressures of settling down with someone (i'm getting tired of not having some kind of stable relationship)...but that is all relative to my "dilusioned state of false reality" i believe, as things seem to get more and more complicated as time passes. i sometimes wish i could pause time and rewind and do things all over again in a whole new way...but that doesn't seem to be an option for me right now. no one will understand what i just said, but it's all good.
last night i watched a tv show that delt with cancer patients on their deathbeds, and how some lady helped them die (commit suicide)...i went to bed next to Rachel, and woke up crying and sobbing my little eyes out. I had a dream about my mom. We were driving down the road in her car and she told me that she was dying (i was stunned). she then talked to me about how she was going to die that day. we reached our destination (wherever the hell it was we were going) and she got out of the car and walked away..and for some reason i walked into this random building. my dad was there, my uncle and aunt were there, the song leader from my church was there...they were all drinking beer. i had a corona in front of me as i sat down at the table, and my dad tried to get me to drink some of his gross ass beer that he was drinking. everyone was drinking and smiling and acting like everything was ok. i knew otherwise, and got really pissed and ran out of the room. i ran in the direction of where my mother went and as i ran some lady stopped me and told me that she had already passed. i broke down there in the middle of nowhere and started crying...it was then i woke up screaming and crying, and asking myself why i had not said the things i had wanted to say to her before she died...why i didn't care about her enough to show her how much i loved her in the last days. i was heartbroken. so...i turned over in bed and told rachel to hold me..but she was conked out, and i dont think she even knew what was going on. ...she just told me to stop crying and rolled over.
aside from that dream , i had a couple other dreams that night. rachel was in them both. they were beautiful dreams, and it helped me realize how beautiful she is, and how much i take her for granted. i think that all of last nights dreams had something to do with my selfishness,..and how i dont always show people how much i love them,and how much they are appreciated. i wish there was something i could do about it..go back in time and tell everyone how much they mean to me. as for the future- i will try my best to show those i love how much they mean to me, regardless of my selfish motives. so, if you are on my friends list on here, just know that i love you, and you mean the world to me. friends are some of the most important people in your life, so dont take them for granted. i'll try not to.
***i smoked a few cigarettes today to calm down. first time i have smoked in a while. i quit for someone, and i think smoking again today damaged our relationship. i'm trying to quit, but i dont know how...i think i just smoke when i'm bored, nervous, or stressed out. it kind of helps me calm down. i wish i didn't have to saturate my body with chemicals to cool off.***
andrew
andrew
my head is going in circles right now, and i dont know if anything i've said to anyone in the last few days has made sense. i seem to be in some kind of dilusioned state of false realities. it's awful. but aside from that, things are peachy. i think it is quite possible that love will eventually do me in, and i will succumb to the pressures of settling down with someone (i'm getting tired of not having some kind of stable relationship)...but that is all relative to my "dilusioned state of false reality" i believe, as things seem to get more and more complicated as time passes. i sometimes wish i could pause time and rewind and do things all over again in a whole new way...but that doesn't seem to be an option for me right now. no one will understand what i just said, but it's all good.
last night i watched a tv show that delt with cancer patients on their deathbeds, and how some lady helped them die (commit suicide)...i went to bed next to Rachel, and woke up crying and sobbing my little eyes out. I had a dream about my mom. We were driving down the road in her car and she told me that she was dying (i was stunned). she then talked to me about how she was going to die that day. we reached our destination (wherever the hell it was we were going) and she got out of the car and walked away..and for some reason i walked into this random building. my dad was there, my uncle and aunt were there, the song leader from my church was there...they were all drinking beer. i had a corona in front of me as i sat down at the table, and my dad tried to get me to drink some of his gross ass beer that he was drinking. everyone was drinking and smiling and acting like everything was ok. i knew otherwise, and got really pissed and ran out of the room. i ran in the direction of where my mother went and as i ran some lady stopped me and told me that she had already passed. i broke down there in the middle of nowhere and started crying...it was then i woke up screaming and crying, and asking myself why i had not said the things i had wanted to say to her before she died...why i didn't care about her enough to show her how much i loved her in the last days. i was heartbroken. so...i turned over in bed and told rachel to hold me..but she was conked out, and i dont think she even knew what was going on. ...she just told me to stop crying and rolled over.
aside from that dream , i had a couple other dreams that night. rachel was in them both. they were beautiful dreams, and it helped me realize how beautiful she is, and how much i take her for granted. i think that all of last nights dreams had something to do with my selfishness,..and how i dont always show people how much i love them,and how much they are appreciated. i wish there was something i could do about it..go back in time and tell everyone how much they mean to me. as for the future- i will try my best to show those i love how much they mean to me, regardless of my selfish motives. so, if you are on my friends list on here, just know that i love you, and you mean the world to me. friends are some of the most important people in your life, so dont take them for granted. i'll try not to.
***i smoked a few cigarettes today to calm down. first time i have smoked in a while. i quit for someone, and i think smoking again today damaged our relationship. i'm trying to quit, but i dont know how...i think i just smoke when i'm bored, nervous, or stressed out. it kind of helps me calm down. i wish i didn't have to saturate my body with chemicals to cool off.***
andrew
andrew