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im back hahaha. i would say, out of lack of things to do. im in north carolina. ive been working for my dad and making money but havent got any. workin on schemes gettin alright at graphic design starting 2 enterprises simultaneously. going back to st. pete in 2 weeks after a stop in atlana. going to screenprint at this event with my good friend emilie. buying a flashdryer for it want to put it to good use. have plans im developing to build an octopus press.
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speaking of schemes today i was reading a book by kafka i purchased for 50 cents and there were bits in his diaries where he talked about writing taking over his life and how it was a kind of living death and i feel a bit like that. except im not a writer i scheme and build things. im so caught up in all th things im doing all the time i hardly care about living anymore. as of late its been so long(gonna use this word twice) i long for it but pretty fucking far out of reach. and i do but dont want it. i just dont know how or where the fuck i could even find the kind of living im looking for my friends are all so fucking different i cant feasibly live with that many people as everyday parts of my life. ahhhh the predicament it seems im always in. On the plus side of all of this it seems ive hit the other extreme of my overall emotions. hopefully some balance comes next. I used to be so attached to people and crazy and constantly around someone now im hardly around anyone. havent been in a relationship of anysorts in a long time indeed. arghhh BALANCEEEEEEE i need to find some sort of balance. its really odd it all is im going to try to explain how i feel about all of this to grasp a better understanding of it all. so now i dont need people in my life but i prefer people in my life but not too much which i guess is normal status quo so maybe ive leveled out on that one? With all my nonstop scheming i keep up i dont envision some bullshit future much anymore but im working towards somesuch future all the time and thats about it and my brain is always occupied with what the next step is going to be and how im going to do something that needs to be done for my future. so my scheming which is a part of me im never going to get rid of but ive tried has now taken on a more localized takes of things which is good? better. the specific little things that used to drive me crazy dont bother me much anymore. Its like i have this scheming business which consumes me and is what the bulk of my waking thoughts concern so it protects me from thinking and thus caring about most everything else and makes me happy to some degree but makes me unhappy in heaps too. and i dont want to give it up. but than i do want to so i can live. its as if im becoming everything i always said i wouldnt. I might just need to go traveling or something to reset. i wont give this up because it all centers around providing for myself which is to make up for not being able to which has bothered me for a long time indeed and there isnt much for a situation where im free of responsibilities and content. and im not happy when i am providing for myself in pretty much most situations so i constantly feel i need to fix that and create the situation where im living a scheme and than i can think about it only as needed. tangible something it would be different.
right now here in nc theres alot of things i dont like much about it but for the most part its very nice and im just preparing myself for the future and when im not doing that im just experiencing things there seems to be a finer line as of late between the two and im doing one or the other not thinking about the future all the time only when applicable. so good.
i hope/wish when i come back here for the second stint of time someone comes with me. the second time here im going to stay in a DOOOOM-DOOOOOOOME and cook on propane hopefully and ideally buy an inverter, rv battery and attic fan solar panel for laptop power and lights. scheme #2 haha
anyway now after this venting i feel like ive figured out the chaos of my head abit and feel much more at peace with how its all working. going better than i thought