Jealousy and "Running Away" disease?
To begin, I have once again (like I did in undergrad) boxed myself into a high stakes game of waiting. I'm only applying to one graduate program this year. Currently studying as hard as my motivation can push for the GRE, which I take in LESS THAN A WEEK. This score will probably determine if I get into the program, and hence, it will change the course of my life. Either I will move to Pittsburgh in 8 months or I will stay here, and most likely continue my present 'go nowhere' career path, unless something unexpected comes up. I hate dramatic circumstances like that, but it's true. Also, I try to scare myself by saying things like that to motivate me to study more.
On a somewhat unrelated note, I woke up next to Joel this morning, and tonight, we have decided that our arrangement must come to a close. I can remember a point where I said I couldn't stand being in bed with him, and now, surprisingly, this is the longest form of a relationship I've had in over 5 years. We dated, even though I knew it wouldn't work, and the most unbelievable part is that we came back together, and truly got to know one another. Intimacy of character that I had never known from him before was something I was truly happy about. I am proud to say that Joel is one of my best friends, and someone that I feel the world is better off for having on it!
I'm grieving a loss because of this, not because my sex life has drastically lessened, but because I could possibly loose a friend, or loose the moments where we shared the most truthfully, and completely. I'm afraid there will be less of an excuse to drive 20 min just to have to drive home at the end of the night and not sleepover. I'm afraid the trust we've gained won't last, but I'm most afraid that this somehow proves that what we had, TO HIM, might not have been as important as it was to me. I feel discarded, and the reason why we ended it was because of my feelings. My jealousy, which I cannot deny, in effect, has deprived me of something I truly cherish. I'm jealous of him and other girls, specifically ones that are far away that get presents that I never got. Yeah, so I feel like that sometimes, but jealous is the worse of all emotions, because it makes whatever you want almost impossible to keep a hold on. Because I was jealous and wanted him, it make our relationship void, because his actions of looking for and being intimate with other girls, which was moving him further from me, in the end, won out.
All of this, all of this . . . has encouraged me! Picking up my life and going to a new place with no friends and probably not alot of warm sunshine to keep my spirits up, scares the shit out of me. I'm very scared. I'm scared that I'm moving myself to 'depression city' out of circumstance. But now, maybe this little end of an era can be a reminder that sometimes you have to move on, and that change is healthy, and necessary. I just realized this is the first time I have initiated such a drastic change, instead of it happening to me. Perhaps I'm afraid that I'm the only one to blame if I do end up hating the decision in the end. All I know is that I find it utterly impossible to comprehend people who constantly run away from everything right after they set up shop, per se. I have no idea how it would be to want to keep people away from you, and not have confidants or accountability in the friends and family you trust. My friends, the close ones, are all I have sometimes, and I think of them in times of shakiness.
So, for now, I am up on moving to Pittsburgh, let's hope the admissions board agrees.
I am thankful for my amazing, supportive Dad, Mom, Molly, Sarah, Allie, Brooke, Maddie, and Joel.
On a somewhat unrelated note, I woke up next to Joel this morning, and tonight, we have decided that our arrangement must come to a close. I can remember a point where I said I couldn't stand being in bed with him, and now, surprisingly, this is the longest form of a relationship I've had in over 5 years. We dated, even though I knew it wouldn't work, and the most unbelievable part is that we came back together, and truly got to know one another. Intimacy of character that I had never known from him before was something I was truly happy about. I am proud to say that Joel is one of my best friends, and someone that I feel the world is better off for having on it!
I'm grieving a loss because of this, not because my sex life has drastically lessened, but because I could possibly loose a friend, or loose the moments where we shared the most truthfully, and completely. I'm afraid there will be less of an excuse to drive 20 min just to have to drive home at the end of the night and not sleepover. I'm afraid the trust we've gained won't last, but I'm most afraid that this somehow proves that what we had, TO HIM, might not have been as important as it was to me. I feel discarded, and the reason why we ended it was because of my feelings. My jealousy, which I cannot deny, in effect, has deprived me of something I truly cherish. I'm jealous of him and other girls, specifically ones that are far away that get presents that I never got. Yeah, so I feel like that sometimes, but jealous is the worse of all emotions, because it makes whatever you want almost impossible to keep a hold on. Because I was jealous and wanted him, it make our relationship void, because his actions of looking for and being intimate with other girls, which was moving him further from me, in the end, won out.
All of this, all of this . . . has encouraged me! Picking up my life and going to a new place with no friends and probably not alot of warm sunshine to keep my spirits up, scares the shit out of me. I'm very scared. I'm scared that I'm moving myself to 'depression city' out of circumstance. But now, maybe this little end of an era can be a reminder that sometimes you have to move on, and that change is healthy, and necessary. I just realized this is the first time I have initiated such a drastic change, instead of it happening to me. Perhaps I'm afraid that I'm the only one to blame if I do end up hating the decision in the end. All I know is that I find it utterly impossible to comprehend people who constantly run away from everything right after they set up shop, per se. I have no idea how it would be to want to keep people away from you, and not have confidants or accountability in the friends and family you trust. My friends, the close ones, are all I have sometimes, and I think of them in times of shakiness.
So, for now, I am up on moving to Pittsburgh, let's hope the admissions board agrees.
I am thankful for my amazing, supportive Dad, Mom, Molly, Sarah, Allie, Brooke, Maddie, and Joel.