August 14, 2004

Sep 18, 2005 16:43


Noel: Welcome to hell this is where you will reside for the remainder of your life
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I think being alive makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to shut my eyes and ears out to everything around me and live in a world all by myself. It couldn't be so bad I hate most people anyway. I feel so up and down, with reason though. When I'm down like this I don't even care to talk to anyone about it. No one can say anything to me that's going to make me feel any better. I don't want some bullshit that things will work out and the truth isn't going to help my mood either. It's easier just to write and let things out, in a way almost talking to myself. I don't care if I seem illogical or unsound, this is me and I don't give a fuck if it's right or if it's normal. At least I can learn to be miserable on my own rather than drag other people down with me. In some ways I'm already in my own little world. It's amazing how I can choose to view a situation completely different in my own eyes than how it really is. I realize he's not going to sit around and just idly wait until we see each other again but I want to be ignorant to what he does. I know it's wrong because I can't expect something from someone that I don't even do myself. But I don't ask about it, he does. I think then that it's his own fault for asking. I try to make it a point to be honest with people even if its hurtful sometimes. Ignorance is bliss which why I choose not to ask but it's impossible to avoid everything about a persons love life or potential love life. Reading even a few lines can cause considerably damage. I suppose being worthwhile to anyone is not my forte. I wonder how many girls he's told to move down there. I feel so foolish for even thinking this would work. Who the fuck am I kidding I'm just one of the sheep.

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I came across this in my BA journal which I've boycotted since about a year ago. My last entry made was about 2 weeks after this one and then I abandoned all love for that site. It's weird though because reading this I realize I had no idea what love was at that point. I wanted so badly to be loved that I tried to pull it out of anything I could.
At one point a few months ago I thought making the decision to participate in the site in the first place had ruined any chance I had at happiness. But not because of how I felt about my decision but for reasons beyond my control. I know that one decision does not make me a different person and anyone close to me should know this. If anything I'm a different person than who I was about a year ago. You made me a different person, a better person. And I'd like to think I made you a better person as well.

So I want to know what is it that I've done that made you fall out of love with me?
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