Fanfic: I remember
I Remember.
I never thought that I would get so close to them. Never thought that this would last so long yet never thought that it would end so quickly. I still remember the first day I came to Seoul. I was just a scared country boy, trying to conceal my accent.
When I entered that enormous building, I saw people wearing fashionable clothing and hairstyles. I felt so out of place, but I wasn’t gong to give up my dreams. A person that caught my attention the most was a guy with crooked teeth and lion hair that was fashionable only at that time.
I remembered seeing him on TV, being back up dancer and singer, and my sister babbling about how cute he was. I was so envious of him; I wanted to be just like him. So I entered the auditioning room and did my best
I passed the audition, with a number one spot for being good looking. I was so happy. Little did I know that it was the start of heaven and hell.
The extended training, both dancing and singing plus the part time job… the various part time jobs. They were all so tiring and so difficult but then Jung Yunho, the guy with lion hair was always there for me.
I loved being with him, it was so fun, he could make me forget all my worries. Now those moments were only memories
A while later I met Kim Junsu, a trainee that has been there since forever, according to Yunho. At first we were really close, until he discovered that I was his hyung. Then we started talking less and less, but that was going to change in a couple of years.
I remember seeing Shim Changmin for the first time, he was a quiet shy boy that talked only to his trainer and another trainee, Kim Kibum. Yunho said that he was one of the youngest but to me he looked kind of old…
One day the president called me and Yunho to go to his office. We were so anxious and scared. When you’re called to the office it could only mean two things. Or you were doing bad and the president didn’t want you anymore or you’re doing extremely well and you get a chance to debut.
Entering the room, we saw Kim Junsu and Shim Changmin. They were seated across the room, facing the president. I could almost hear their heartbeats, but I was too busy hearing my own. The president told me and Yunho to sit beside Junsu and Changmin.
Then the four of us hears the president say, “The four of you and a boy coming from America are going to debut.” I felt so excited; I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long.
I felt Yunho’s hand tightening around mine; Changmin’s relieved sigh and Junsu’s big smile. A thing that I really wanted to know was who the guy from America was. I imagined a foreign boy, with golden hair and blue eyes, wearing clothes from a famous brand.
My imagination was shattered when I saw the boy. His height was the same as mine, he had black hair and gentle smile. My imagination was shattered, but my dream had only begun.
I remember recording our first single, taking photos, filming the MV, training the dance moves and deciding our concepts. I smiled widely while thinking about or concepts. Because in the end our concepts were all broken, except for Yunho’s only in front of the fans, because between us he would act really cute.
Xiah Junsu, the charismatic one turned into the cutest one with a funny dolphin wail.
Micky Yoochun, the romantic boy from America turned into a sensitive boy that loves Korean food.
Me, the quiet mysterious person turned into the most talkative one, often blurting out random things.
Choikang Changmin, the maknae, the cute one, turned into the most mature and charismatic one.
Jung Yunho, he… he was our leader and he’ll always be, forever and ever.
I remember going to Japan for the first time, we could barely say hello and we were already promoting our first Japanese single. We were so homesick that we would end up playing really strange games and make us see each other’s naked bodies.
I remember getting our first Japanese award, we were so proud that I had to cook a special feast.
But then we started flying to Japan and Korea back and forth, at first we didn’t mind at all, since it was our work. Then it started tiring us out, all the practice and filming started to wear us out. We started to get sick one by one. Yet we were always assuring each other that we were fine.
Until it became too much.
We all decided to fill a case. It was supposed to last a little. But it started to take more and more time. One week turned into half a year, half a year since I last saw the 2/5 part of myself.
Rumours of disbanding were all over the media, reporters started asking about us, about our situation. I always replied the same thing, that we would come back, together, the five of us. I was sure that the other four were doing the same thing. Always keeping the faith.
I still remember their sad smiles clearly, telling me, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. But now I wonder, were they reassuring me or themselves?
I had a period where I closed myself out of the world. Ignoring everything and everyone. Until I realized that I would gain nothing with this. So I did my best trying to contact Yunho and Changmin.
The first time, all of us were able to chat a little bit.
The second time, we were able to chat a little but then, someone would call Yunho or Changmin for a filming or photo shoot.
The third time, a staff answered the call, saying that both of them were too busy.
The fourth time, their producer answered, screaming at me to stop calling them. That they didn’t have time to hear me rambling.
The fifth time, it said that the number didn’t exist anymore.
I tried calling their parents, friends and even the staff. All of them said that they didn’t have time for me.
Sometimes, Yoochun and Junsu would come to cheer me up. Only sometimes because each of them was busy with their families. Junsu was helping his twin to promote. Yoochun was finally spending some time with his mother and younger brother.
So I thought about doing something that would give me attention, and I accepted a drama role. At first, I thought that is was going to be a good opportunity to me. Indeed it was, but it wasn’t the same without Yunho and Changmin.
Near the ending of the drama filming I began to feel numb, like nothing besides the four of them mattered to me anymore. My favorite book wasn’t as interesting anymore. My favorite food had a sour taste. Composing music was the thing that I avoided the most.
I wanted to feel, to be like before. Just like I was before all this began. I started to do some extreme sports, to feel the adrenaline running. The media only said that I was experiencing new things, things that I’ve never done before. Oh, how wrong they were.
A time later, I didn’t feel adrenaline anymore, even after doing all those crazy sports. I needed to feel again, to never forget those moments, moments that the five of us were together. Breathing the same air.
Then I started to cut myself, now I realize that it was the most stupid thing ever, but now is too late to return.
I remember the red liquid running on my wrist, I made deep cut on a particular area, an area that could be easily covered with a watch or some big accessory. There weren’t lots of cuts, but every cut was deep, and it made me feel.
I remember the first time in months that I actually felt something, I felt pain.
It was just like the pain when Junsu accidentally kicked the soccer ball on my face.
Like when Yoochun accidentally closed the lid of a piano on my hands.
Like when Yunho accidentally dropped a pan of boiling water on my arms.
Like when Changmin would accidentally drop his weights on my legs.
I wanted it all; I wanted to remember all of that. Greed was consuming me.
When I accidentally cut myself a little too deep, deeper than before. My blood was oozing out of the wound, way too quickly. I didn’t try to cover the wound, I was too consumed, feeling, remembering.
It all happened too quickly. I remember feeling dizzy and leaning on the sink, the knife forgotten on the floor. Then I remember falling on my side and then, nothing.
I didn’t see this part, but I can imagine, Junsu’s or Yoochun’s shocked face. Their scream for help and their endless tears. I guess that I died, because I didn’t wake up in a completely white room and surrounded by loved ones.
Maybe, waking up form an accident was different from the books. Perhaps, instead of white room was a light blue sky, and instead of being surrounded by loved ones it was being surrounded by clouds.
I walked around the place a little, and then I noticed a shimmering gate, a person and a long line in front of the person. Then I realized that I had really died, and the person was actually an angel.
I always thought that an angel would be immaculate, always beautiful and pure, and that it would really catch my attention. I guess that now, only Yoochun, Junsu, Changmin and Yunho could be my angels, because only they could catch my attention this easily.
After waiting a moment that felt like the eternity, I was in front of the person, the person that I refused to call angel. The person looked at me from head to toe, and then he begun turning the pages of a gigantic book.
Wouldn’t it be easier if he had a computer? I thought.
Then he stopped at a page, and began to read.
“Kim Jaejoong, 24, ex-member of DBSK, death by suicide.”
I never thought that I could be mad at an angel, but at this moment I was really mad. Not because of the suicide mentioning, but by other thing.
“I’m not an ex-member of DBSK! If DBSK still exists then I’m still a member, because DBSK doesn’t exist without 5 members!” I said, but I think that I shouted, because the people on the line stared at me with incredulous face.
The angel just waved half heartedly at me and the gates opened, I stepped inside. Everything was so beautiful, so perfect. But it wasn’t the place I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be in Heaven, I wanted to be home, and home is the place where the five of us are.
Yoochun, Junsu, Me, Changmin and Yunho.
*****
This is a super angst one shot TT^TT
I wasn't very sure about posting it, but I posted it anyways.
Hope that you liked it. Please comment
Thanks Sarah Unnie for beta-ing
Always keep the Faith.