(no subject)
i love homecoming here at johnson every year! besides just getting out of classes for a few days, old people just make me smile... and just something about all of it reassures me about going to school here. it reminds me of why im even spending my time learning all of this stuff that so easily seems like nonsense. i want a better foundation. but with the attitude ive had lately no wonder i feel like im not getting anywhere. i may get good grades and have the gpa i need for grad school... and to eventually get my license, but what does that prove? numbers on a page dont mean anything. i dont know how i get by in some of my classes, i really dont. yeah, some of them here are just a joke, but i really dont feel like i have retained anything in these past years. or even deserve the grades i get. im sure im overreacting a bit, which i do pretty easily, but i just know my motivation behind all of my "learning" has been so, wrong. im tired of knowing about God. I just want to know him. Ive been trying so hard to get good grades but for the wrong reasons. Ive completely missed God here at Bible College. For some, studying the Bible and growing in the knowledge of God brings them closer to God. Not for me. If anything, all its done is made me wrestle and question him more than i ever have. and yes, i know this can be a good thing. but, i miss just nights alone with him... and just opening up the Bible because Im in love and just want to hear God, not because I have a test in the morning.
So... God spoke to a friend of mine here at school... through reading what he heard, i find he spoke to me too... i dunno, its helped me gain perspective... just read it, maybe there is something for you to hear as well...
"You know what this is. You know why it's here. How much effort have you put into knowing me? You hardly pray, you barely open my word, and when you do, it's for class. A relationship with me comes naturally, yes... But that's not to say it doesn't require EFFORT. You've not really even TRIED to find me, save when your self-centered existence finally makes you miserable. Even then, you pray once or twice and when the sky doesn't open up, you stop. Is that why you follow me? Bright lights and visions? Go see a movie and stop wasting our time. Are you even looking for me, or are you looking for benefits of having me in your life? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ME? Or do you want to use me to gain notoriety? Before you answer, look at your actions as an answer. How much have you tried to learn ABOUT me instead of just knowing me?
How do I fix this? I don't even feel sorry. It's like I've started living via my brain and my heart has all but died. I miss emotions. I miss having a vivid life. I miss seeing color. I miss rejoicing. I miss... you.
This is what happens when you let me and my word get boiled down to doctrine and dates. Paul, I'm alive. I'm here. I'm passionate and caring. I AM the source of life, the source from which the "zest" for life comes. Is it any wonder your life has gone grayscale on you? Did you feel like going on that diet? No... But you did it anyway. Why? So I could be healthy. Your feelings encouraged you to do nothing. But you chose not to listen to them. In time, you'll progress to enjoying your lifestyle.
I'm the same way. Your feelings are misleading. You don't need to feel sorry in order to be sorry. In fact, all I care about is that your behavior agrees with your words. If you truly ARE sorry, your behavior will change. After a time, your behavior will pave the way for us to connect like this more often, more easily. This will affect your entire life. You'll love more explicitly. You'll fight harder. You'll be stronger. You'll create better art. The reason is because I AM the source all those things flow from.
Know me, and I'll know you. Know me, and I'll change you. You can't get by on auto-pilot any longer. I'm not allowing it. You will HAVE to pray. You will HAVE to read your Bible. You will HAVE to show me that you want me. You will have to pursue me more than all else. More than academia, more than your body, more than Leah.
Know me. And I will know you. "
So... God spoke to a friend of mine here at school... through reading what he heard, i find he spoke to me too... i dunno, its helped me gain perspective... just read it, maybe there is something for you to hear as well...
"You know what this is. You know why it's here. How much effort have you put into knowing me? You hardly pray, you barely open my word, and when you do, it's for class. A relationship with me comes naturally, yes... But that's not to say it doesn't require EFFORT. You've not really even TRIED to find me, save when your self-centered existence finally makes you miserable. Even then, you pray once or twice and when the sky doesn't open up, you stop. Is that why you follow me? Bright lights and visions? Go see a movie and stop wasting our time. Are you even looking for me, or are you looking for benefits of having me in your life? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ME? Or do you want to use me to gain notoriety? Before you answer, look at your actions as an answer. How much have you tried to learn ABOUT me instead of just knowing me?
How do I fix this? I don't even feel sorry. It's like I've started living via my brain and my heart has all but died. I miss emotions. I miss having a vivid life. I miss seeing color. I miss rejoicing. I miss... you.
This is what happens when you let me and my word get boiled down to doctrine and dates. Paul, I'm alive. I'm here. I'm passionate and caring. I AM the source of life, the source from which the "zest" for life comes. Is it any wonder your life has gone grayscale on you? Did you feel like going on that diet? No... But you did it anyway. Why? So I could be healthy. Your feelings encouraged you to do nothing. But you chose not to listen to them. In time, you'll progress to enjoying your lifestyle.
I'm the same way. Your feelings are misleading. You don't need to feel sorry in order to be sorry. In fact, all I care about is that your behavior agrees with your words. If you truly ARE sorry, your behavior will change. After a time, your behavior will pave the way for us to connect like this more often, more easily. This will affect your entire life. You'll love more explicitly. You'll fight harder. You'll be stronger. You'll create better art. The reason is because I AM the source all those things flow from.
Know me, and I'll know you. Know me, and I'll change you. You can't get by on auto-pilot any longer. I'm not allowing it. You will HAVE to pray. You will HAVE to read your Bible. You will HAVE to show me that you want me. You will have to pursue me more than all else. More than academia, more than your body, more than Leah.
Know me. And I will know you. "