(no subject)
Maybe, I'm not as secure in who I am as I thought.
Maybe, I dont want help. Maybe, I just keep telling my self I need help.
Maybe I'm slipping back into how I was. Never being able to open up, but always complaining about how I wish I could.
I realized today, that people have been asking to talk to me. Have been asking to help.
But I havent been hearing it.
I've been blowing it off.
Finally, today, someone pulled me away from the crowd.
Away from my strength. My camoflauge.
They asked me seriously what has been going on, and If I was okay.
I couldnt answer.
I couldnt.
I wouldnt.
I wouldntg say what was bothering me.
That person narrowed it down to yes or no questions.
Explaining events and reasons for asking.
All I could do was shake my head to yes or no questions.
It attracted attention.
Suddenly many people wanted to know.
I couldnt handle it. I was breaking.
They all felt bad for. Were so sorry.
But is that what I wanted?
is that what I was really looking for?
And if that wasnt what I was looking for, then what am I looking for?
What do I need to get through this if it isnt a friendly face.
Why is it that last night I believed that that was what I needed?
It's strange. Its a twisted web my mind is weaving.
of false starts and dead ends.
I dont know what to do, or why I would need to do it, or how to go about it.
Whats going to fill the pit in my stomach?
I wish I had a sure fire answer to what I needed, but apparently it isnt that easy to find.
My eye balls hurt. I sat up all night tearing my brains out of my skull.
My head is pounding. I cant turn it without wincing.
I wish I would have slept. I really wish Ihad.
I really wish I slept more than I did.
I need something that will help me. I need to stay away from the way I was before all this happened.
I hate thinking that I'm going to start hiding myself from my friends again.
And How they went almost three years never knowing me.
Knowing me.
I wi sh I was someone different for a little while.
A person who can stand around and watch Alex heal himself.
Maybe, I dont want help. Maybe, I just keep telling my self I need help.
Maybe I'm slipping back into how I was. Never being able to open up, but always complaining about how I wish I could.
I realized today, that people have been asking to talk to me. Have been asking to help.
But I havent been hearing it.
I've been blowing it off.
Finally, today, someone pulled me away from the crowd.
Away from my strength. My camoflauge.
They asked me seriously what has been going on, and If I was okay.
I couldnt answer.
I couldnt.
I wouldnt.
I wouldntg say what was bothering me.
That person narrowed it down to yes or no questions.
Explaining events and reasons for asking.
All I could do was shake my head to yes or no questions.
It attracted attention.
Suddenly many people wanted to know.
I couldnt handle it. I was breaking.
They all felt bad for. Were so sorry.
But is that what I wanted?
is that what I was really looking for?
And if that wasnt what I was looking for, then what am I looking for?
What do I need to get through this if it isnt a friendly face.
Why is it that last night I believed that that was what I needed?
It's strange. Its a twisted web my mind is weaving.
of false starts and dead ends.
I dont know what to do, or why I would need to do it, or how to go about it.
Whats going to fill the pit in my stomach?
I wish I had a sure fire answer to what I needed, but apparently it isnt that easy to find.
My eye balls hurt. I sat up all night tearing my brains out of my skull.
My head is pounding. I cant turn it without wincing.
I wish I would have slept. I really wish Ihad.
I really wish I slept more than I did.
I need something that will help me. I need to stay away from the way I was before all this happened.
I hate thinking that I'm going to start hiding myself from my friends again.
And How they went almost three years never knowing me.
Knowing me.
I wi sh I was someone different for a little while.
A person who can stand around and watch Alex heal himself.