(no subject)
I think the only way I could possibly feel shittier is if I got my legs cut off.
I havent really spoken to anybody for three days.
My throat feels like hell.
So even if I wanted to speak, I couldnt.
I'm sore.
I dont really want to talk to any one.
I dont know what to say.
I havent even really formed the words yet.
I dont think any one really knows.
I dont feel like any one really cares.
I cant help but feel like everything is my fault lately.
I cant help but hate this feeling in my gut.
I hate being alone lately.
I think to much when I am alone.
My mind gets filled with pain ful thoughts, and throat swells up, and my stomach ties up, and my eyes burn.
Listening to music helps. But every song I hear makes me sad.
Except for a select few.
Hopefully all these down feelings will go away when I stop being so sick.
Every one around me seems to be drifting away.
And I miss a lot of people that I used to talk to.
I dont even know why.
I want to apologize to every one I was ever mean to.
to everyone I ever hurt.
To every one I ever ignored.
to every one I ever spoke out against.
To everyone I was ever jealous of.
to every one i ever laughed at.
But I cant. Because I wont.
Jimmy Oglesby, was in P.E. make ups today, and i felt incredibly jealous of him.
I dont even know who the fuck he is.
Ive heard his name once. But all of a sudden, I hated him because of how jealous i was.
everyone keeps talking shit.
And I'm the only one who knows it isnt true.
I'm the only one who can stand up for her.
They dont know.
Fuck you guys.
Shes my best friend, shes been a better friend than most of you have lately.
I want one of you too stay so loyally to me for seven months.
Megan knows me so well.
theres a connection there.
Shes like my mood ring.
She can read me like no one ever could.
I could be yards away, not even in the same room, and she knows if somethings up with me.
I want to go to a park. I just want to sit down and listen to things.
I want to go to that park clear of thought.
I want to feel good.
I used a payphone for the first time ever today.
I was really excited for it.
And what a person to call.
I need someone here.
To just sit with me.
I wont talk.
You dont have to.
Just come sit with me.
We can watch a movie or something.
I just need someone right here.
I want a cell phone.
I like how im so easily taken advantage of.
my cell phone is too important.
I need a new one.
My nose is bleeding, because i just opened the closest door on myself.
I want to leave my house.
I want to drive all night.
And not go anywhere, but get there fast.
I want to be a mythbuster.
Some one come here.
I keep telling myself I'm going to be okay. That I can deal with it. and I can pretty well, when I am around people. I should get the fucking oscar when I am around people. But when I am alone, the mere thought breaks me down. I'm not the fucking little engine that could. If I keep telling myself, " I think I can, I think I can.." I still wont be able too. I can keep lying. Avoiding it. Not telling anyone. Telling people I dont want to talk about it. But its still going to kill. I cant go seven months of loving someone unconditionally, to just stopping. Best of friends or not, cause I know we can be, and we should be, but its going to hurt for a long time. I wish I could stop pretending. I wish I could stand next to my friends and smile without faking. I wish I could just say what Im feeling. I wish my vocal chords would make the sounds that my tongue would form into words. I wish, someone would take the time out and truely ask, " What's wrong Alex?" Instead of yelling at me, and bothering me. I wish I could get a serious hug. I don't think I'm ever going to attempt this again. I cant say those things to anyone else and ever mean them. I cant do those things for anyone else and ever truley appreciate myself. I cant do it. I've said this once before, but that was no where near as serious as this. Im a new person out of this. Im more aware of my self. Of what I am capable of, and what I cant fucking do for shit. I know what makes me feel good, and I know what makes me happy. I know what makes me feel like shit, and I know what makes me want to kill myself. I know myself now. Ive never felt like this before. Before this, I was a wallowing pit of self loathing wrapped in a boy who was happy go lucky. I have no right to complain. i have it easier than a lot of people. But this is my journal and I can say whatever I want. Ive been happy these last seven months. It was a good feeling. It was a feeling I was welcoming. I took it with open arms.But before that...Did i even know what it was? I dont recall. At least..not a happiness i felt like ive felt for so long now. I wish I could take all the amazing memories out of my head, and place them in a scrap book. Take them out of my head and store them in a happy looking little book. So when I am alone, I wont think back on them and feel that way. But when I want to, I can travel back and peek at them. And smile as my throat swells and my eyes water. Thats the thing I want the most now.
My name is Alex. And I am at a loss.
I havent really spoken to anybody for three days.
My throat feels like hell.
So even if I wanted to speak, I couldnt.
I'm sore.
I dont really want to talk to any one.
I dont know what to say.
I havent even really formed the words yet.
I dont think any one really knows.
I dont feel like any one really cares.
I cant help but feel like everything is my fault lately.
I cant help but hate this feeling in my gut.
I hate being alone lately.
I think to much when I am alone.
My mind gets filled with pain ful thoughts, and throat swells up, and my stomach ties up, and my eyes burn.
Listening to music helps. But every song I hear makes me sad.
Except for a select few.
Hopefully all these down feelings will go away when I stop being so sick.
Every one around me seems to be drifting away.
And I miss a lot of people that I used to talk to.
I dont even know why.
I want to apologize to every one I was ever mean to.
to everyone I ever hurt.
To every one I ever ignored.
to every one I ever spoke out against.
To everyone I was ever jealous of.
to every one i ever laughed at.
But I cant. Because I wont.
Jimmy Oglesby, was in P.E. make ups today, and i felt incredibly jealous of him.
I dont even know who the fuck he is.
Ive heard his name once. But all of a sudden, I hated him because of how jealous i was.
everyone keeps talking shit.
And I'm the only one who knows it isnt true.
I'm the only one who can stand up for her.
They dont know.
Fuck you guys.
Shes my best friend, shes been a better friend than most of you have lately.
I want one of you too stay so loyally to me for seven months.
Megan knows me so well.
theres a connection there.
Shes like my mood ring.
She can read me like no one ever could.
I could be yards away, not even in the same room, and she knows if somethings up with me.
I want to go to a park. I just want to sit down and listen to things.
I want to go to that park clear of thought.
I want to feel good.
I used a payphone for the first time ever today.
I was really excited for it.
And what a person to call.
I need someone here.
To just sit with me.
I wont talk.
You dont have to.
Just come sit with me.
We can watch a movie or something.
I just need someone right here.
I want a cell phone.
I like how im so easily taken advantage of.
my cell phone is too important.
I need a new one.
My nose is bleeding, because i just opened the closest door on myself.
I want to leave my house.
I want to drive all night.
And not go anywhere, but get there fast.
I want to be a mythbuster.
Some one come here.
I keep telling myself I'm going to be okay. That I can deal with it. and I can pretty well, when I am around people. I should get the fucking oscar when I am around people. But when I am alone, the mere thought breaks me down. I'm not the fucking little engine that could. If I keep telling myself, " I think I can, I think I can.." I still wont be able too. I can keep lying. Avoiding it. Not telling anyone. Telling people I dont want to talk about it. But its still going to kill. I cant go seven months of loving someone unconditionally, to just stopping. Best of friends or not, cause I know we can be, and we should be, but its going to hurt for a long time. I wish I could stop pretending. I wish I could stand next to my friends and smile without faking. I wish I could just say what Im feeling. I wish my vocal chords would make the sounds that my tongue would form into words. I wish, someone would take the time out and truely ask, " What's wrong Alex?" Instead of yelling at me, and bothering me. I wish I could get a serious hug. I don't think I'm ever going to attempt this again. I cant say those things to anyone else and ever mean them. I cant do those things for anyone else and ever truley appreciate myself. I cant do it. I've said this once before, but that was no where near as serious as this. Im a new person out of this. Im more aware of my self. Of what I am capable of, and what I cant fucking do for shit. I know what makes me feel good, and I know what makes me happy. I know what makes me feel like shit, and I know what makes me want to kill myself. I know myself now. Ive never felt like this before. Before this, I was a wallowing pit of self loathing wrapped in a boy who was happy go lucky. I have no right to complain. i have it easier than a lot of people. But this is my journal and I can say whatever I want. Ive been happy these last seven months. It was a good feeling. It was a feeling I was welcoming. I took it with open arms.But before that...Did i even know what it was? I dont recall. At least..not a happiness i felt like ive felt for so long now. I wish I could take all the amazing memories out of my head, and place them in a scrap book. Take them out of my head and store them in a happy looking little book. So when I am alone, I wont think back on them and feel that way. But when I want to, I can travel back and peek at them. And smile as my throat swells and my eyes water. Thats the thing I want the most now.
My name is Alex. And I am at a loss.