(no subject)
time keeps moving so fast, when i think about it everything is spinning. i feel there is not enough time in the day for everything. i have been spending my time doing more productive things than i used to spend my time before college, just hanging out all the time. now i mostly all i want to do is learn. not specifically about what i'm learning in school but especially about buddhism, philosophy, psychedelic drugs, and psychology. i want to study abroad in india over the summer. i want to travel, see what's out there. go out west as well.
i have many feelings of sympathy lately for people in my family. i guess, being away from home i have realized how much i love my family, over the past four years i haven't appreciated them enough, only concerned with my peer social life. whenever i am with my grandparents, i feel guilt that i do not spend enough time with them, i guess specially since my other grandmother died somewhat recentely and i didn't appreciate her enough. i feel positive about my mother because i have been spending a good deal of time with her whenever i go home for the weekend and i feel very close to her. i feel bad for my stepdad because he is unhappy so therefore is angry a lot of the time, and i don't really see him when i come home for the weekend except for like 5 mins because her works all weekend. i feel bad for my sister because of all the anger she holds. and she is so different from me that i don't always feel like hanging out with her because we are so different. i want to go to college in north carolina but i would feel bad because my family, specifically my grandparents already miss me as it is me being only 2 hours away. and their time is getting more and more limited on earth and i think it kind of scares me. i am emotional at times, better than i used to be, i would be so dramatic and get upset about everything, but now i just start crying when i read certain things that push emotions buried in me out that i didn't even know i had, mostly about my family.
it's weird when i think about who my true friends are. i feel that i have learned so much about myself being away from home and thinking about my friends from high school, which i would actually still be true friends with. it's hard to find good, interesting, intellectual, free spirted, positive people out there. am i too picky?
i still think about him. i think i will hang out with him over thanksgiving break, maybe it will help me feel more at peace with him in my mind. it's one of only things that i feel is not okay with me.
i have many feelings of sympathy lately for people in my family. i guess, being away from home i have realized how much i love my family, over the past four years i haven't appreciated them enough, only concerned with my peer social life. whenever i am with my grandparents, i feel guilt that i do not spend enough time with them, i guess specially since my other grandmother died somewhat recentely and i didn't appreciate her enough. i feel positive about my mother because i have been spending a good deal of time with her whenever i go home for the weekend and i feel very close to her. i feel bad for my stepdad because he is unhappy so therefore is angry a lot of the time, and i don't really see him when i come home for the weekend except for like 5 mins because her works all weekend. i feel bad for my sister because of all the anger she holds. and she is so different from me that i don't always feel like hanging out with her because we are so different. i want to go to college in north carolina but i would feel bad because my family, specifically my grandparents already miss me as it is me being only 2 hours away. and their time is getting more and more limited on earth and i think it kind of scares me. i am emotional at times, better than i used to be, i would be so dramatic and get upset about everything, but now i just start crying when i read certain things that push emotions buried in me out that i didn't even know i had, mostly about my family.
it's weird when i think about who my true friends are. i feel that i have learned so much about myself being away from home and thinking about my friends from high school, which i would actually still be true friends with. it's hard to find good, interesting, intellectual, free spirted, positive people out there. am i too picky?
i still think about him. i think i will hang out with him over thanksgiving break, maybe it will help me feel more at peace with him in my mind. it's one of only things that i feel is not okay with me.