pettyness
yesterday i cried, for the first time in a while. and it was't over a death. it wasn't over school. it wasn't over a boy or a girl or a friend or a family member. it's wasn't even about myself. no, i cried over a house.
lol it's so petty. i mean don't get me wrong i'm still very upset about it, but i feel silly, being so upset by it.
next year it looks like i'll be moving in with my roommate and one of her friend's. but they want nice apartments with their own bathrooms and spacious bedrooms. they want nice places. which is fine. and i get along with my roommate very well, that living with her again isn't a problem.
the boys on the other hand found a house. a six bedroom house. and i turned down my place in the house so that one of them would't get kicked out of it. because you see there are seven of us. and i didn't think it would be a big deal. but then i went with them to look at the house. and i fell in love with it and it made me so sad that i couldn't live there. (god im stupid, im tearing up now just typing this)
it has two living rooms and a kitchen. it had a yard, a huge yard, a yard big enough for me to actually have a garden like i wanted. the rooms are small and there are only two bathrooms for six people. it's in the ghetto(kinda) and has barbed wire fencing and bars over the windows. and its under construction. but i look at that house and its just what i pictured myself living in. someplace that we get to fix up, that we get to have a whole house to ourselves. its across the street from campus. and rent is 500( like most of the apartments i have seen), its 1200. for six of us. that's 200. and i could have a bunny and i would be living with my family and i could be the mother of five boys. but it isn't happening. and i want to be happy for them, i really want to, but it was all i could do not to start crying when we were there looking at it. i waited until i got home and then i cried and cried. over a stupid house. but see? im so afraid to make decisions because of this. because i kept both living options open, living with the boys vs living with my roommate. and as soon as i made a decision, as soon as i gave one up, i see what i am missing. and it's exactly what i wanted. well to be fair not exactly, but as close as anything could ever get. i hate choices, i hate options, i always pick the wrong ones. so i dont get my garden, or my bunny, or my cheap rent, or my close to campus, or my gigantic yard, or my little cottage. i don't get my Mandy cottage. i loved that book. and that's how i feel right now. i know god picks what's best for me, but i can only hope that he works it out so that i am able to be happy. is this the lesson i learn? that when i make a choice and it's not necessarily the best outcome, that i must still be happy? i just don't know.
i don't even want to be around them for a little bit, because i am sure that they will be talking about it, and i dont want them to know im upset. well no, i do want them to know, i want them to fix it. but i wont tell them because there's nothing to be done and what the point in bringing down their joy.
lol it's so petty. i mean don't get me wrong i'm still very upset about it, but i feel silly, being so upset by it.
next year it looks like i'll be moving in with my roommate and one of her friend's. but they want nice apartments with their own bathrooms and spacious bedrooms. they want nice places. which is fine. and i get along with my roommate very well, that living with her again isn't a problem.
the boys on the other hand found a house. a six bedroom house. and i turned down my place in the house so that one of them would't get kicked out of it. because you see there are seven of us. and i didn't think it would be a big deal. but then i went with them to look at the house. and i fell in love with it and it made me so sad that i couldn't live there. (god im stupid, im tearing up now just typing this)
it has two living rooms and a kitchen. it had a yard, a huge yard, a yard big enough for me to actually have a garden like i wanted. the rooms are small and there are only two bathrooms for six people. it's in the ghetto(kinda) and has barbed wire fencing and bars over the windows. and its under construction. but i look at that house and its just what i pictured myself living in. someplace that we get to fix up, that we get to have a whole house to ourselves. its across the street from campus. and rent is 500( like most of the apartments i have seen), its 1200. for six of us. that's 200. and i could have a bunny and i would be living with my family and i could be the mother of five boys. but it isn't happening. and i want to be happy for them, i really want to, but it was all i could do not to start crying when we were there looking at it. i waited until i got home and then i cried and cried. over a stupid house. but see? im so afraid to make decisions because of this. because i kept both living options open, living with the boys vs living with my roommate. and as soon as i made a decision, as soon as i gave one up, i see what i am missing. and it's exactly what i wanted. well to be fair not exactly, but as close as anything could ever get. i hate choices, i hate options, i always pick the wrong ones. so i dont get my garden, or my bunny, or my cheap rent, or my close to campus, or my gigantic yard, or my little cottage. i don't get my Mandy cottage. i loved that book. and that's how i feel right now. i know god picks what's best for me, but i can only hope that he works it out so that i am able to be happy. is this the lesson i learn? that when i make a choice and it's not necessarily the best outcome, that i must still be happy? i just don't know.
i don't even want to be around them for a little bit, because i am sure that they will be talking about it, and i dont want them to know im upset. well no, i do want them to know, i want them to fix it. but i wont tell them because there's nothing to be done and what the point in bringing down their joy.