In Over My Head
I felt so much like this is where I am supposed to be. Now reality of extra long days, cultural and language barriers and many English-learning students is setting in and I feel very unqualified, ill-equipped and short on resources--like in-depth special education training (or teachers!). I am already exhausted and I am only a little more than half way done with my first full week. And frustrated. And feeling a little cut off from the world I know best. And not wanting to go home until I am ready for tomorrow's classes. But so desperately just needing to sleep to function normally.
I can see why two years have gone through three teachers in my position. But this ministry needs to be here...
You really wanted me here with these kids in this place, God? Couldn't I have served you better somewhere where it wasn't so hard for me? Couldnt you have put somebody more qualified here? Maybe somebody who speaks Spanish? Or had their own repertoire of Middle School Language Arts materials to come here with before adding the stress of 35 all-at-different-levels-English-Language-Learners to the mix.
But then, would it or could it really be any easier for anyone else? Because somebody has to teach these kids and try to show them and teach them Jesus love....
So I sit in His hands feeling very childish, a lot less brave, scared, trying to hear Him say "You are only my tool for this task. All you have to do is keep surrendering." But the surrendering feels a lot more like trying--in vain.
And it's only day 5!!!
I can see why two years have gone through three teachers in my position. But this ministry needs to be here...
You really wanted me here with these kids in this place, God? Couldn't I have served you better somewhere where it wasn't so hard for me? Couldnt you have put somebody more qualified here? Maybe somebody who speaks Spanish? Or had their own repertoire of Middle School Language Arts materials to come here with before adding the stress of 35 all-at-different-levels-English-Language-Learners to the mix.
But then, would it or could it really be any easier for anyone else? Because somebody has to teach these kids and try to show them and teach them Jesus love....
So I sit in His hands feeling very childish, a lot less brave, scared, trying to hear Him say "You are only my tool for this task. All you have to do is keep surrendering." But the surrendering feels a lot more like trying--in vain.
And it's only day 5!!!