So tell me it's a dream, and yeah you know me

[your_angel_eyes]

Sometimes it takes someone else to realize what you didn't have before. Like being happy, you know? I blinded myself with feelings I wish I had, or maybe that I was dependent on because that's how I thought it should be. I lived for so long pretending that I was so much more then I really was. Like putting on a fake smile for everyone, just for show. Kinda like that was how people expected me to be, always happy and laughing and having fun. That's how it should have been so long ago. But now I realize...I truley am happy. And I'm just being who I should be, just myself and nothing someone else expected and nothing that I was pretending to be to make other people happy. I've lived for so long trying to reach other people's expectations of my life and I never realized how sick of it I was until now. Why should I have to put on a show for everyone else? Why should I pretend to have emotions that I never had? Maybe the aspect and longing for love was so strong I thought I had fallen so hard. But why fall in love so early when you're not even happy? I never really stopped to love myself, you know? Like so many of us do, we forget to just concentrate on ourselves for a while. I forgot to just love myself and come first before other people. That's not selfish, right? It's like I needed this time to realize who I was and that no matter how much people put me down and mutalize who I used to be, I just should have been all that I am. All that I am is all I can be, and I never really thought that anyone would respect that part of me before, until now. I have never thought of myself as anything special at all, but now I'm starting to see that maybe I am? I always used to put myself down and hate myself for not being who everyone else wanted, but fuck them. It took me so long to get where I am right now. And it's not the perfect place to be, and it's not too respectable but it's all I can do. I've gone through so much more then people even know and so many hardships and bad times and awesome times and things that I buried so deep down inside myself that I have forgotten about because they were so horrible. But I guess the past doesn't matter all that much because I want to be so much more of a better person then I used to be. Sometimes I just need a little help. And maybe it's ok to cry about things that have happened, and it's ok to cry about how some things are going right now.

I just wish I could restore all the trust that everyone used to have in me. I'm so scared that that is impossible. But I guess all I have to do is prove to some people that I still am that awesome trustworthy person I used to be such a long time ago. I'm not sure how. How can I gain trust when noone will even let me have a chance to prove to them that I can keep any secret in the world and it will die with me?

I used to do so many things that I will never forgive myself for. But doesn't it count that I'm trying now? I have so much hurt inside that I try to get rid of, but it seems that noone cares. I care so much about other people and I will try to do every possible thing I can to see all the people I love be happy and I would take away every pain that my friends have and feel it myself so they wouldn't have to. But how can I prove it?

I've gone through so much, I wish someone could understand and read through me and maybe ask once in a while about things, and actually care? And really listen to what I have to say. I don't ever tell people things because they have to absolutely prove that they want to know, that they'll truley care and that they won't give up until I'm relived and maybe even cried out.