Give me a clean heart... and i will serve... nobody but you....
I'm still not sure just how to describe the phase that I'm going through right now. I want to accomplish things, but I worry that this desire only exists due to my strong feelings of lack. I'm a dreamer by nature, yet depend so heavily on rational thinking. It runs my life and yet the power of thought has brought me so much loss, or has taken so much from me. I hate taking chances, and I hate depending upon something that isn't concrete or proven. I need the facts, and that worries me. Because sometimes the facts aren't enough. Sometimes, even if something has proven reliable and dependable, and you know without a trace of doubt in your mind that it will work more often than not, it's still not enough to make you put your confidence in it... lean on it... depend on it. So I worry that I'm turning into her. I'm worried that I don't trust anyone but myself, worried that I'll walk around puting on a show for people to see, so that they don't see the real me... maybe that would've made her try again... maybe that would've made her not let go... maybe that would've made the facts enough. Cause I never gave her a reason to worry... I simply examined the facts and acted on them. She'd been used and betrayed... she'd poured her heart into something and saw it just wither and die on her, walk away from her, and never appreciate her feelings... You look at the facts and you say to yourself, "hmm let's not try that approach shall we? Let's not be that guy huh?" So you don't, and the roles reverse themselves so that now we have the guy pouring and the girl just sort of moves the glass away from the liquid, accidentally sliding it off the table... leaving the glass neiher half full nor half empty, just broken