i was doing good today
I was doing good today until Michael called. I wanted him to call so bad but it ended up making me so upset and so frustrated I couldn't keep talking to him. I was cleaning up the apartment and getting everything squared away so I could get other stuff done. But he called and it made everything worse. I had finally taken my mind off of him and off of doing anything stupid. Then he called. Now I am angry at him because he called, I'm glad he called but I'm angry. I am just a bag of mixed emotions right now and they are way way way too strong. He said he wanted to get out of the army, which although that would make me very very very happy, we would have no income whatsoever, no health care and we would end up in a worse situation than I am in before Michael and I got married. And I know for a fact that his contract isn't a four year one so I would rather him stay in and finish out his entire contract (6-8 years). At least we would have income and healthcare. And since Michael wants kids as much as I do, we need him to stay in. For once in my life I am actually thinking ahead and trying to save up or save in general, money for us. I have never been that way. I see something I want and I spend the money that I know I need for other things.
It is hard with him being in Iraq. Really really hard. And I know he doesn't want to go back ever again but he doesn't know what it is like being a civilian. He doesn't understand how hard it is. I know and understand because I have always been one. But Michael is a military brat. He doesn't realize what the paychecks are like and how much things cost and how hard it is to make a living in the civilian world. I hate the fact he is in the military and that he deploys but I know that as of right now, it is the best thing for us. I don't know how we are going to be able to live if he decides to get out.
All this is stuff I shouldn't have to worry about. Stuff that should be in the back of my mind. I shouldn't have to deal with these things. I feel like I am still a kid at times and yes compared to a lot of people I am a kid. I just know that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger in the end, what's a few bumps and bruises compared to worldly knowledge.
It is hard with him being in Iraq. Really really hard. And I know he doesn't want to go back ever again but he doesn't know what it is like being a civilian. He doesn't understand how hard it is. I know and understand because I have always been one. But Michael is a military brat. He doesn't realize what the paychecks are like and how much things cost and how hard it is to make a living in the civilian world. I hate the fact he is in the military and that he deploys but I know that as of right now, it is the best thing for us. I don't know how we are going to be able to live if he decides to get out.
All this is stuff I shouldn't have to worry about. Stuff that should be in the back of my mind. I shouldn't have to deal with these things. I feel like I am still a kid at times and yes compared to a lot of people I am a kid. I just know that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger in the end, what's a few bumps and bruises compared to worldly knowledge.