[this turned into badly written meta, oh well.]
OKAY, I HAVE AN EXAM DAY AFTER AND I AM SO DEAD. BYE.
quick note
I'm back in Caroline stanning mode, because the larger DE fandom is the actual worst #no regrets
Okay, first, does judgmental mean something different in fandom? Like, I've been hearing around about how Caroline's a terrible friend and should be supportive of Elena's choices, instead of judging her and LOL what? I'm not even going to take the Caroline-is-projecting/The-show-doesn't-care-about-her-and-wants-a-mouthpiece-for-their-ships/She-was-abused-ruthlessly-by-Damon-she-has-the-right-to arguments, all very compelling and all mostly right, but seriously what is with the 'judgy' thing? The whole point of being a friend is that you are allowed to be absolutely, completely irrational about terrible life choices you think your friend is making. One of my friends is dating this guy who I absolutely dislike and I think is terrible for her, because I've known him since before they got together and she's unhappy and constantly feels insecure about him (with good reason) AND that she's not good enough because he constantly criticizes her appearance, lifestyle, friends, etc., but she "loves him" and can't let him go. And I am absolutely VOCAL about how she needs to re-evaluate and re-think the whole business. I occasionally rationally point out why he's not good for her, but most of the time I'm so worried for her that I don't even pretend to be rational about it. Technically, for Caroline, Damon is the abusive asshole, who didn't only use her and abuse her but also constantly chipped at her insecurities ("you're the only stupid thing here. And shallow. And useless.") and was absolutely terrible in every respect, even as a boyfriend. Not only that, but he's been absolutely unrepentant about it, and he's never shown the slightest bit of remorse about it and even now treats her as a minor annoyance.
So technically, there is absolutely no reason for Caroline to think that Damon won't be the same with Elena. The argument against that, of course, is that "Damon loves Elena". Okay, I'm a little cynical on this front, but this argument wouldn't hold with me personally. If I or one of my friends was treated terribly by a guy, who then 'fell in love with' another friend, that would still not be enough to convince me that she shouldn't be anywhere near him. Why Caroline upped her bitch-factor (which, guh, I love that though, even though not particularly in this context, but bitchy!Caroline = favorite) this episode, even while the Elena-and-Damon thing has not only existed previously but she's aware that they've made out and she and Elena have even discussed it, was because Stefan categorically stated that "Elena has feelings for Damon." This is different. What Caroline has known till now is that Elena is attracted to Damon. That some part of Elena wants Damon physically. And she hasn't particularly said anything to Elena about that, because that's okay; weird in Caroline's opinion, but okay. However, having "feelings" implies vulnerability, Elena is vulnerable to Damon. And the fact is that Caroline knows how absolutely persuasive Damon is; he wasn't terrible to her all the time, he was was sweet "when he wanted to be" and absolutely gentle at times, and then went and used all of Caroline's vulnerabilities against her.
Which is why Caroline jumped to the 'sired' conclusion, irrespective of whether it's right or not (it's right according to the interviews; okay, whatever, show), because Elena is acting 'compelled'; the same way that she remembers acting; with the look of adoration and agreeing with him; and as a vampire she can't be compelled, the nearest correlative is 'sired'. Caroline had, just moments ago, heard that Elena has feelings for Damon and the next thing that Elena does in the Damon-context is agree with Damon on the red dress, and later, on Jeremy being safe; the latter being inexplicable, because Jeremy is the one topic on which Elena won't be "calmed down" usually. From a limited outsider/friend perspective, that is suspicious. Not sired-suspicious but suspicious in the sense that if one of those real and hypothetical friends I've been mentioning in this post suddenly said they liked the red dress because their boyfriend liked the red dress, even though moments before they'd said they liked the blue, then that would send alarm signals ringing.
And the reason it's easy to jump to this conclusion is because the in-text characters (Bonnie, Caroline, etc.) do not have the omniscient outsider perspective. All they know about Elena's relationship with Damon is what Elena chooses to reveal to them. And Elena doesn't choose to reveal much on the Damon-front and actively appears to hide Stefan's awful behavior and her real feelings about both of them, because she herself believes (believed) that her feelings aren't "right", that there's something wrong with her for wanting Damon. So, all that Bonnie and Caroline really know is that Elena said she feels this way, and they agree, because it's not "right" to want Damon in their books either. So they're not going out of the way to be supportive, or tell her that she's free to like whomever she chooses to and she shouldn't be ashamed of her choices, because they believe it's a 'phase' and it'll pass and they're willing to wait till it does. Further, Elena has always maintained the Salvatore-dichotomy herself amongst her friends; when Bonnie saw her enjoying feeding, Elena categorically held that it was because she "should have come with Stefan, not Damon", explicitly projecting her 'vampire' side onto Damon's influence. (Which, I can write a meta on how that is absolutely fascinating and how much I love it, but that meta has probably already been written by other people, so I'll stick to the topic at hand.) From Bonnie's POV, this immediately posits Stefan as Good, because Not Enjoying Feeding is good in her book; it's a necessity, she knows, to feed, but the idea of enjoying it horrifies her; so Damon, herein equated with that enjoyment, becomes Bad. And as far as Bonnie knows, Elena feels terrible about it (which, I have no doubt, she actually does), and is wishing that she hadn't allowed Damon to sway her and that Stefan was with her instead. This is the same thing that Elena has implied or explicitly said this multiple times to Caroline as well; that she can't seem to quit Damon, but she'd like to, that she doesn't like feeling the way she does about him, and that she actually loves Stefan. And there is no reason for Caroline to disbelieve her either. Especially as this idea fits in with both Caroline and Bonnie's conception of the Salvatores; which is why they don't challenge it; don't question Elena on whether she's trying to repress her real feelings; because the way they see it, it makes perfect sense. They feel this way, Elena says she feels this way, so it stands to reason that Elena actually feels this way; they all enable the same image. (And this is also why Elena's sudden departure from it seems radical and inexplicable to Caroline, even though the audience doesn't have any difficulty accepting it.)
And technically, that makes sense. Stefan doesn't enjoy feeding from humans (or rather, he isn't willing to accept that he enjoys feeding from humans) and neither does Caroline, which is why they're accepted back into the fold of their friends. I've made this argument before, but nobody on this show is accepted for who they are. This unacceptance is not something special reserved for Elena and Damon; if Caroline were to start feeding from people, she'd be equally shunned. In fact as late as Season 3; Elena was absolutely horrified herself when she came across the Rebekah-Damon-Stefan scene where Stefan was feeding, even when she'd been aware that he needed to feed to gain control. It's the reason why Damon is still Public Enemy No. 1 regardless of everything he's done to help and Stefan is not; because Stefan others his 'monstrous' side entirely, while Caroline's is near-latent, which makes them identify as human, no matter how psychologically damaging it must be to repress an existing part of you; but Damon (and now Elena) accept their vampire sides. It's important here to note that this would be okay if they rejected the human social structure, and identified solely as creatures higher on the hierarchical order and believed that they have a right to feel the way they do, to enjoy the feed, because they're vampires; like Katherine, or even Klaus. However, they don't do that either. What they want is to be accepted into the human fold as vampires, which is nearly impossible. This isn't about freedom of choice etc., it's about how societies work. And that is how societies work; social structures are stringent and have their gods and their demons, and breaking social codes renders you open to ostracization, which is what Damon (and now Elena) face.
I've heard a lot of fandom talk about how 'oh, so Caroline wants Elena to be The Good Girl and not want The Bad Boy Damon and can't accept Elena's feelings for Damon.' No, for Caroline, Elena can't want Damon because Elena hasn't ever given any indication of wanting Damon. Au contraire she has repeatedly affirmed that she loves Stefan and that she does not want Damon. So her post-transition behavior is more than a little odd to Caroline, odd enough to be worrying, especially since it's post-transition; at a time when all new vampires are extremely vulnerable. Ergo the "she's lost." And this has technically always been Caroline's position; in season two when Elena wanted Caroline to distract Stefan so she could talk to Katherine, Stefan went "she's with Damon, isn't she" and Caroline's like "What, no. Eww." Two seasons later and she still has the same position, because she isn't aware that there's been any real change in that department. 'Humanity' has always been posited as the antithesis to 'monstrosity' in this show, and although the definition of the latter has undergone a massive reworking through the course of this show, it still hasn't opened up to the extent of accepting vampires for 'who they are'. Which is why Elena is "wrong" and "needs to be cured". Because "having feelings for Damon" isn't just about Damon, it's about all he stands for, and believing that Elena is 'sired' (which is not a far stretch if you consider the non-Elena/Damon outsider perspective and what they know/do not know about Damon/Elena moments and Elena's interiority) is what they'd like to believe. Caroline is trying to be a good friend here, and if, in fact, it turns out that she was right about the sire-bond, then she would have been absolutely right to be worried. It's not about being supportive or judgmental about a friend's choices; it's what you believe you should be supportive about and what you should be judging, and where you feel you should intervene. Especially when you believe that your friend is making terrible life decisions; decisions that she herself has admitted as terrible life decisions, which is making her make further choices that both she and you have always held as 'wrong'. Strangely enough, the 'love/feelings' argument never seems to win out in friendships; it's not called being judgmental, it's called being friends.
The problem with Caroline is what has always been the problem with Caroline (as a person, and not as a character, because imo it enhances her character, but makes her a difficult person to deal with), she's far too blunt and can be rude to the point that even if she were speaking the truth, she'd only come across as an awful person ("you're not good at cheerleading anymore because you missed Cheer Camp that time your parents died".) Instead of qualifying her statements with social niceties and the general truth about how she's worried and how she's been in this position before, she gets all "god, the thought of you and Damon makes me sick." Also, she's never allowed to qualify why. Which villianizes her, instead of acknowledging her status as a victim. Caroline's trauma (and not only the abuse but also being tortured by her father and her mother's attempts to kill her initially or the death of her father etc. She's never so much as actually been allowed to say something like "when my dad died") doesn't count for much in this show, so when she's speaking from a position that'd be understandable if she were allowed to qualify it, it instead comes off as harpish and sanctimonious. Also it kind of amuses me when people project their views onto the other characters and then hate them for not holding the same opinions, as in "why can't Elena be allowed to have fun while feeding" or "at least Damon accepts who he is" and about why they have to be tied down to their Good Girl/Bad Boy images by the characters and shamed for it; I mean, that's an excellent argument as an outsider. That is what I want to see happen; I want a massacre and lots of explosions and things and people eating people and Elena just sort of lifting people with one arm; y'know, fun stuff. In universe, if the characters were just to go 'sure whatevs', that would not only be massively unrealistic, but also undermine three seasons worth of establishing that 'people die around you, how could it not matter?' I mean, I LOVE that scenes like the party-bloodbash-drunk-dancing scenes are being written and what it means for Elena's character, but I also don't expect other characters to accept that, because they're in that universe. It's like, conversely, I love TVD characters, but that in no way implies that I'd ever want to be friends with people like them in real life.
And as for the question of 'why does it have to be Stefan, why not neither' is because it's show-logic, not Caroline-logic; it's the same reason why Elena is living with the Salvatores rather than Bonnie or Caroline, even with all the tension with the recent break-up and exploration of alternate feelings etc., that there is no reason. Because it has to be the Salvatores. If not Damon, then Stefan. If not Stefan, then Damon. There is no third option in show-logic.
THIS STARTED WITH QUICK NOTE; WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. OH MY GOD, EXAMS.
OKAY BYE REALLY.