Too Much
So, today's been good - thank God. I don't know if I could handle another second of feeling the way I've felt for the last threeish days. No offense, but what makes some people so stupid? Although, I guess I can't really complain, since I've fallen victim to the naivete myself, just a few times or so.
Dyanna and Amy told me the other night that I've become a bit more cynical and a bit less smiling-like-a-lunatic-all-the-time. Honestly, that was basically my biggest fear last year, but they say it's a good thing. No one can be that happy all the time without paying attention to what's really going on, is what Amy said. I guess she's right. It's just that... I guess there are so many people in my life that are always bringing me down, and is it so much to ask to want everything happy, consistently? I'm not stupid - it's not like I think the world's perfect or anything. I can be upset when I need to be, but there are so many people who get needlessly upset, I just want to try to even things out a little. I don't know. If I get too much like them, let me know?
Add on to that that I have never felt so guilty as I have this past month or so in my entire life. Honestly. And why do I even care? I've done everything in my power to clear things up; not my fault!!! Sucks, I know, but NOT MY FAULT!!!
Ugh. Carol Channing is disgusting. Shoot me.
I didn't have the greatest of all childhoods, and nine times out of ten, I prefer where I am to anywhere I was then, but the thing I miss the most is how certain I was of everything. I knew what was good, what was bad, what was right, what was wrong, what I believed and what I didn't believe. If I had known that growing up meant never knowing anything, ever again, I would have stayed there. Yesterday really brought out too many issues that are too complicated and will take too long to figure out, if they ever do get figured out. Nothing quite like going from a church service to the first meeting of the Jewish Student Organization. And will someone please explain to me why I had to start it up this year, when I wasn't even sure I wanted to be here??? What was I thinking? I am not cut out to be president! Eli is the one with all the ideas, and Sarah's the one with all the motivation. It seems like all Rachel and I want to do is volunteer and go to services. This is turning into a much bigger project than I ever bargained for, and I really really really hope it's worth it. Religiously, and otherwise. I have to figure myself out. I have no idea what's going on with anything anymore...
Strike that... I have a crush... I do know that for sure...
Dyanna and Amy told me the other night that I've become a bit more cynical and a bit less smiling-like-a-lunatic-all-the-time. Honestly, that was basically my biggest fear last year, but they say it's a good thing. No one can be that happy all the time without paying attention to what's really going on, is what Amy said. I guess she's right. It's just that... I guess there are so many people in my life that are always bringing me down, and is it so much to ask to want everything happy, consistently? I'm not stupid - it's not like I think the world's perfect or anything. I can be upset when I need to be, but there are so many people who get needlessly upset, I just want to try to even things out a little. I don't know. If I get too much like them, let me know?
Add on to that that I have never felt so guilty as I have this past month or so in my entire life. Honestly. And why do I even care? I've done everything in my power to clear things up; not my fault!!! Sucks, I know, but NOT MY FAULT!!!
Ugh. Carol Channing is disgusting. Shoot me.
I didn't have the greatest of all childhoods, and nine times out of ten, I prefer where I am to anywhere I was then, but the thing I miss the most is how certain I was of everything. I knew what was good, what was bad, what was right, what was wrong, what I believed and what I didn't believe. If I had known that growing up meant never knowing anything, ever again, I would have stayed there. Yesterday really brought out too many issues that are too complicated and will take too long to figure out, if they ever do get figured out. Nothing quite like going from a church service to the first meeting of the Jewish Student Organization. And will someone please explain to me why I had to start it up this year, when I wasn't even sure I wanted to be here??? What was I thinking? I am not cut out to be president! Eli is the one with all the ideas, and Sarah's the one with all the motivation. It seems like all Rachel and I want to do is volunteer and go to services. This is turning into a much bigger project than I ever bargained for, and I really really really hope it's worth it. Religiously, and otherwise. I have to figure myself out. I have no idea what's going on with anything anymore...
Strike that... I have a crush... I do know that for sure...