[Chapter] Hold Me Close (2/?)

[youaregonecas]

Title: Hold Me Close
Chapter: one; Goodbye College
Wordcount: 4.681 out of 6.684 words
Rating: Explicit
Pairing: Castiel/Dean, Amelia/Jimmy, Anna/Ruby, Sam/Gadreel (in later chapters)
Tags: soldier!dean, au, domestic au, kid fic, art teacher!cas, referenced character death (of a minor character), deployment,
Summary: In his entire life, Castiel hadn’t expected diapers, baby bottles and nights without sleep because one of the kids had a rough night to ever be in his future. Yet, it is. Dean and he spend days logging around strollers, trying to make ends meet and working through their problems.If he’s honest, the only thing keeping him on top of it, is Dean and Dean? He won’t stay forever. After all, his boyfriend is a soldier. They spend the first few weeks of them taking care of the kids in a steady pace; Cas taking the time to work through losing his brother and enjoying each other’s company. Dean’s deployment crawls upon them when they expect it least, the date coming closer and closer with each passing day.

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I don't know how to not miss you.
It seems that you have taken up a permanent residence
in the place that used to be my heart,
but now is just a sea of thoughts about you
- h.v.
The darkness in their bedroom was both a comfort and a threat, the way it had been for what felt like ages now. Darkness brought calmness and silence along. The only thing was, you couldn't run away from monsters without the light. They ended up surrounding you and catching up. He couldn't afford to let everything get to him during the day. He couldn't leave the kids alone if he zoned out. At night, when they were asleep, he could let himself go, break down. He didn’t care if the monsters caught up.
Losing his brother had made Cas realize a lot of things, but the most important of them all was, that he wasn't alone. Not anymore. For years, he had thought that he was alone out there, that Jimmy and he were left on their own devices. In getting to know Dean, he learned that he wasn't. He had learned that life could be good, even if it was only for a little while.
Dean taught him how to open up, take care of himself better and well, how trivial as it could be, to do his laundry. Both Jimmy's and his lives got better after they met their partners. If anything, it made him feel like he was living a cliché, but it was true. Dean made things easier for him.
Dean and Cas, they had a good thing going on, even if what was going on wasn’t ideal. For the first time in ages, Cas had felt like he was at a moment in his life where he could say that he felt confident in himself. Of course, that  security had to go away after just a few months.
Tonight was just a rough night. He would be standing in front of that crowd in a few hours and he'd be on his own. Castiel pulled back the blankets and slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb Dean. His boyfriend had his own demons to work through, his own difficulties. Cas had long since lost count of how often he and his boyfriend had missed nights of sleep, because of the kids and because of everything going around in their heads.
He had been going through a rough time sleeping again, Cas knew that. He pretended he didn't, because he knew that his boyfriend was too stubborn to admit to it regardless. Seeing him safe and sound asleep was a reassurance that things were starting to be that tiny bit better. At least on that he could count. Dean was predictable that way. If there was something seriously bothering him, he didn't sleep. Once his boyfriend had worked through things, he could sleep again.
Castiel knew that his deployment was bothering him. That him being shipped back made him feel insecure, worried. He’s said as much.
Castiel had to be at his college graduation ceremony in just a few hours. While it should make him feel happy and excited, perhaps a bit anxious, all it did was make him feel insecure and well, sad. In a little over seven hours, he would be officially graduated. He would have his diploma, he could go out and go to work. He could finally help contribute to their tiny family. Castiel could move on, leave school behind and start a new chapter in his life.
If anything, that should be a good thing. And it was, Cas realized that. He just didn't know if he wanted to go through this alone. Dean would be there and no doubted, Dean's family would be too. Castiel knew that his tiny family would be there too, that the twins would be adorable in their dresses and that Dean Ben and Nick would be asleep but there. It just was that such an essential part of his family would be missing.
It had been years now since his parents had passed away after a robbery gone wrong. It had been a sick leap of faith and nothing could change that it happened. Cas knew that. He had worked through losing them a while ago. After all, ten years were a very long time to grieve. He still missed his parents, especially on days like this, but now he was twenty-five, he coped.
On days like this, the memory that he still had of them just hit him. He saw them in everything that he did. He could so easily imagine them in the back of the crowd, sitting with Dean and Jimmy, smiles on their faces. He imagined them to be so incredibly proud of him, for finishing what everybody thought he would never do.
He could imagine them taking pictures without cease. Both Jimmy and he always hated pictures, but that day would mark a big milestone in both of their lives. Castiel knew his brother. They would have made an exception, because of their parents. They couldn't now. It wouldn't happen, not today, not in ten years, never. Their parents had left them years ago and wouldn’t be coming back, not for graduation, not for anything.
If anything, he just wished he could have their picture taken.
Jimmy, his twin brother, wouldn't be there to see him graduate either. His loss had been so recent that it almost was a miracle that Castiel had managed to finish his last year of college. Only Dean's encouragements and love had been able to force him out of bed in the morning to go to lectures, only to come back and crawl back in bed. Dean had helped him prepare for his finals, brought him coffee and food. On the days that he felt especially bad, Dean would take him out on a walk with the kids to distract him. That helped him, helped him quite a lot.
Really, Dean was all that he could wish for and being able to hold his brother's children and help raise them, it too helped. He saw Jimmy in each of them, saw him in their eyes and Ben and Nick’s little smiles, Claire and Zoey’s little dimples. They looked so much like their father that sometimes, seeing them smile was enough to bring tears to his eyes.
Castiel realized that he was pushing the loss down and that one day, everything would come crashing down on him in the future. He dreaded that day but knew that him succeeding right now was more important. He needed to be out and working, to help provide for their family.
God knew that they needed the extra cash. His brother’s assets had been put on his account, so that did help, but it was still hard for both of them. Dean and he had moved into the house that the older twins, Zoey and Claire were used to. Because of that reason, them being used to it and the fact that they couldn’t afford their apartment - which they ended up being able to sell for quite a good amount - and the house.
Dean was great. He was the best boyfriend that he could possibly wish for. He was kind and loving, always tried to be patient even when he didn't really get what Cas was going through. What was best about him, he didn't pretend that he did. He just threw his arms around him and told him that it would be okay. It didn’t always help and sometimes, the only thing that it did do was make him feel worse about everything, but on some days, it was what he needed.
After all, Dean had been there too. He had lost his mother when he was just a little boy. While Castiel still had memories of his parents, his boyfriend could barely picture Mary. The fire that took her life had burned almost every picture that they had of them, so even in terms of pictures, there was very few left of her.
Tonight had been rough on him. Dean hadn't really noticed it when they crawled into bed, but he just felt off, completely off. The crying hadn't started until the wee hours of the morning, after being up for hours without drifting off to sleep. Dean had had his rough spot, this time, it was Castiel's turn to feel like shit on a regular basis. Couldn't they just have a break every once in a while, no? Was that so much to ask for?
It was the reason that he had gotten out of bed. His crying had gotten so bad that he could barely breathe, the sobs restricting his lungs. He would have woken Dean up if he stayed in bed, and that was the last thing that he wanted. Dean would want to be there for him, comfort him and Cas, he just wanted to be alone. He needed to be alone for a little while, catch a break from everybody around him.
While he would understand, seeing him like this would only make Dean worry. His boyfriend had been through so much with him the past couple of weeks that he didn't want to put him through even more. As it was, they were already testing their relationship. Castiel didn't want to risk them falling apart too and being alone with Claire, Zoey, Nick and Ben. They were all sweethearts, especially the girls, who tried everything to make their unca Cas laugh, but he just couldn't handle four kids under two all on his own.
Castiel didn't calm down enough until he hid in the bathroom, the shower warming as he undressed. The noise of the water was the only way that Dean wouldn't be too worried if he found out. Cas could always say that Ben or Nick had peed on him, it wouldn't be the first time either of them had done that since they came home from the hospital. The shower helped him clear his head, gave him something to focus on.
He had lost his brother just three weeks ago. The wound that losing him left was still frayed and bleeding. Castiel didn't know if those wounds would ever close up or if he would have to wait for his mind to catch up with him before he forgot just how horrible that night had been.
Castiel couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if Dean and he hadn't taken the night off. They had both put their phones on silent, wanting the night for themselves. Or at least, as to themselves as it could be with eighteen month old twins on their hands. They had offered to take care of the twins for a night so that Jimmy and Amelia could go ahead and go to the hospital.
Nick and Ben had been born at just twenty-nine weeks. The odds for the tiny baby boys could have been worse, if Amelia hadn't been admitted at twenty-four weeks, she probably would have had them back then. If that had happened, they would have had to stay a lot longer.
As it was, both baby’s were doing good when the accident happened. The doctors had just let them know that if they continued to strive like that, they could probably come home sooner rather than later. Jimmy was so excited about taking them home, it had been adorable to see.
Jimmy and Amelia had been on the road when the accident happened, a drunk driver on the wrong side of the road. The crash had killed them upon impact, or at least, that was what the doctors assumed.
When the hospital called, neither Dean nor Cas noticed the buzzing of their phones. They were putting the twins to bed. Castiel didn’t notice the missed calls until five am. They had already been dead for six hours at that point. His brother’s body had already been in the hospital for six hours before it was even known that he had passed on. Listening to that voice mail message, it broke him. Broke him into tiny little pieces. If Dean hadn't been there, he didn't know what would have happened to him.
He remembered how numb he had felt through it all, planning the funeral, getting custody of the children. Dean and he had never expected to become fathers so soon. They hadn't even been talking about it, and now they were the fathers of four children under two, two of whom were still in the hospital.
Their relationship wasn't ready for that kind of burden, they both knew that and yet, they had to. There was no way that Castiel could see them go to foster homes. The kids deserved to stay together, to grow up together. Especially because both of them were sets of twins. Even though they tried to keep twins together, they didn't always manage to do that.
Castiel reluctantly turned off the shower when his tears dried. They were slowly running out of warm water and if the toddlers didn't have warm water in the morning, they would be pissed. He could hear the tiny little grunts from Ben - or was it Nick? They sounded too the same - through the baby monitor. Soon enough, he'd be throwing a fit because he was hungry. If one was up, the second one would soon follow and worst case scenario, the girls too.
Life as a parent, it was growing on him. He started to recognize which little cry belonged to a new diaper, which one meant that he was just being fussy or gassy and which one meant that he was hungry. Castiel didn’t bother getting dressed past his underwear as he padded to the nursery and took Ben - he had been right in guessing who it was - out of his crib. The only person who could walk in on him was Dean and the twins and he really didn't care if any of those saw him half naked. Dean had seen him naked quite often and the twins, well, they really didn't care about that. They shouldn't at least - they were still baby's. He'd be impressed with them if they even managed to climb out of their cribs.
“Hey there baby, what’s wrong?” he whispered, gathering him in his arms. Even though Ben was getting more muscle strength now, he was still worried every time that he held him. He was just such a frail little thing, he didn’t want to do something wrong, which he knew he could. It was too easy.
Ben didn’t sleep again that night. Cas tried everything, rocking him, another pacifier, new diaper, everything. He even filled the little tub with warm water and let him kick around in it, something he usually enjoyed, nothing helped.
“You miss your daddy, don’t you?” he whispered, letting him rest on his chest. “I do too bub. It’s okay, uncle Dean and I, we got you. We’re going to take care of you, okay? I know I’m not your daddy.” He pressed a kiss to the little one’s head. “We love you regardless, okay? We're not even remotely attempting to replace your daddy or mommy. But we'll take care of you, okay? Pinkie promise.”
Dean chose that moment to walk through the doors of the nursery, still sleepy and obviously not happy with being up so early. It was an adorable look on him, hair sticking out in places, shirt rumbled and PJ pants low on his hips, revealing just that tiny sliver of skin.
“Go to bed Cas,” he muttered, reaching out to take little Ben from him. “Graduation is in a little bit. You need sleep.”
“Couldn’t sleep.” And just from his tone of voice, Dean got what he meant and backed off.
“Scoot over. I’m sorry man. We knew today was going to be hard,” he muttered, sliding in next to him, letting his boyfriend rest his head on his shoulder. “You’ll pull through. You know you can.”
Castiel leaned into the touch, letting his head fall on Dean’s shoulder. “I don’t know Dean. I honestly don’t know.”
He had no other choice but to pull through. Castiel owed it, owed it to everyone; his parents, his brother. What made him eventually feel a bit better about himself, was seeing his little family in the crowd. Or well little, ever since Ben and Nick came home with them, not so little.
Dean had this huge grin on his lips that Castiel wouldn’t trade for anything and by the time they were allowed to go, even Ben was up and smiling at him from Dean’s arms. Nick was still sleeping in one of the two strollers, hidden under the thin summer blanket Dean and Cas had bought him as a present when Jimmy and Amelia were still around. The girls were passed out in the stroller, their little rabbit teddy bears clutched in their hands and heads close together.
“I’m so proud of you,” Dean muttered against his lips before pressing a soft kiss to them. “So incredibly proud.” Castiel couldn’t stop the smile from creeping on his lips. Hugging Dean when he was holding Ben still felt just a little bit awkward. He was always afraid that they would squish him, but feeling him reach out and grasp Cas’s robe in his tiny fist was so worth it.
“Thanks babe.”
“Dude. Gross.” A very familiar voice sounded from behind him. When he turned around, he saw the all too familiar Sasquatch grin at him, a blonde girl standing just a tiny bit awkward next to him. “Congrats Cas!”
“Thanks Sam,” he said, awkwardly accepting his hug. He didn’t mind behind hugged occasionally, but one just didn’t hug Sam without it getting awkward. “I didn’t know that you were coming.”
“Dean invited us over. You can’t be on your graduation all alone. Cas, this is Jess. Jess, this is Castiel, my brother’s boyfriend.” Jessica seemed nice enough. She had this sweet look to her, almost like innocence.
“Sam has told me all about you,” she said, kindly. “It’s nice meeting you.”
“Nice meeting you too,” he muttered, taking Ben from Dean. "I can't say I've heard too much about you, but I've been studying a lot lately so I’m out of the loop. All I've heard is positive though. This is little Ben, Nick is in the stroller and I’ll introduce the girls when they’re awake."
"Good to know," she said with a smile. "Hey there little one. Can I?" She took Ben from Castiel, the baby just a little confused about being passed on. He stared at her with those big blue eyes, a curious expression in his eyes, before drifting off to sleep. "He's gorgeous."
"He is," Castiel smiled proudly, “and he seems to like you. Trust me, he’ll scream if he doesn’t. You’d be surprised at how much noise tiny babies can make.”
He didn't care that people were staring at their little family. There weren't too many people in his year that already had a family. Castiel personally knew one girl, who had her first baby a year before graduation and that was about it.
But then again, he didn't know if they were staring at him because of the kids or because of Dean. In the few years that he had went to college there, he hadn't really openly talked about his sexuality or relationships. Just one or two people knew that he was in a steady relationship and that was because they had seen him out.
He wasn't hiding it, far from, it just wasn't ever mentioned. If people didn't ask, he just didn't talk about it. Dean shared his views, even though he was a bit more open about it at the garage. After all, he worked with his family so it wasn't like he could hide it.
"Isn't John coming?"
"He'll join us at the diner, there was work that he had to do or something. An emergency at the shop. Bobby will join us there too," Dean promised, taking Ben from Jess to strap him in the stroller. "We good to go? I'm starving."
“How did you even get the strollers in here?” Castiel eyed the two double strollers suspiciously. “It’s too far to walk with all of them.”
“We met up back at the house, I don’t think Dean would have made it here otherwise,” Sam said, clearly trying not to make fun of his brother and failing miserably. “Why don’t you invest in one of those strollers for four kids? You’ll probably be needing them quite a bit before they are ready to walk full time.”
“Too big, we can barely get into shops as it is, let alone with one for four. You try dragging these massive things through a local grocery shop man. It’s brutal. One time, I almost took out an employee.” The grin spread on Dean’s lips again. “She was pissed.”
“Fair point. I don’t blame her though.”
Dinner was pleasant after they had finally managed to get the strollers in the diner. Jimmy and Amelia had invested in one of those incredibly expensive joggers strollers for the twins before they even knew that they were going to have a third kid - let alone before they knew that they would be in for twins again.
If anything, Cas was glad that they hadn’t invested in one of those massive strollers that seated four. Getting into stores with the two double strollers or with one double stroller and the boys in a carrier was hard enough, he didn’t want to imagine the horrors an even bigger stroller would bring with it.
Both Claire and Zoey ended up sleeping until they were hungry, which was a blessing in disguise. The girls didn’t always like being strapped in when the stroller wasn’t moving around and tended to make a fuss about it. While Ben and Nick couldn’t get out and wander off, these two could. Catching them when they found an opening to escape was almost hell sometimes. It wasn’t like they could run too far, considering that they weren’t too steady on their feet, but when you had two more kids to keep an eye on, it could get more than a little bit annoying.
Cas hadn’t expected it all to be like this. All of this was so incredibly confusing, not only for them as parents, but also for the kids. There were days that Castiel got up and changed Ben, muttering to him about how daddy Dean would have to change the poopy diapers next time, only to realize later that it was uncle Dean and not daddy Dean.
Daddy was a name that was reserved for Jimmy and for Jimmy alone. He didn’t have the right to take that name, no matter how often the doctors at the clinic that he went to told him that it was okay for them to start seeing them as their father. After all, he now was their father. As they grew, they would realize that Castiel wasn’t their father, but they would still see him as a father figure. The name felt wrong. He wasn’t their father nor was Dean, they were their uncles. Maybe in time, as Castiel learned to cope with the loss, he would start accepting it, but right now? He didn’t even dream of ever hearing any of them call him daddy.
“You still with us?” He looked up from his plate confused. He hadn’t realized how zoned out he had become.
“Yeah. Just thinking. This is weird.” And it was. Here they were, like a big family, laughing and having dinner together. He felt, happy? If that was the right name for it. He felt happy and relieved that perhaps they were doing a good job.
“We should wake the twins or they won’t eat later. They always get picky when they haven’t had their lunch,” Dean said as Ben finished his bottle.
“I don’t know how you did it Cas, but you actually converted my brother into a full fletched father. Congrats man.”
“You know we can drop all of them off at your place for a night?” Castiel asked jokingly. “You know, you’ll totally get how your brother became so fatherly. If we don’t feed them now, they won’t eat until seven pm and then they won’t go to sleep again until eleven pm and let me tell you, the boys don’t sleep through the night yet and if they act like their hyperactive selves until eleven, I can guarantee you you’ll stick to schedules. We did that one time and I can tell you. Worst. Night. Ever.”
Just the look of horror on Sam’s face was enough to make Dean almost double over laughing.
“True story man. We didn’t sleep properly for at least a week. Schedules are sacred let me tell you that. You know, for when you two ever decide to have kids. Sammy, you want to hold him for a second while I try to get these rascals awake?”
“Yeah, sure.” Ben looked tiny when Dean or he was holding him, but in Dean’s taller brother’s arms, the kiddo almost seemed to drown. Not that Ben really seemed to mind though, he settled himself against Sam easily, drifting to sleep within seconds. “Hi there little big man. You sleepy huh?”
“Yeah. It’s about time for his nap, the little fella has been awake for too long already,” Dean sighed. “Having kids is harder than it seems Sammy.”
“Oh shut it, you love them.” Castiel shifted his gaze, trying to see Dean’s reaction. He had never dared to even remotely ask this question to Dean, if he liked the kids, if he didn’t mind raising them with him. After all, it had almost been an obligation. They loved each other, but if Dean hadn’t wanted to help Castiel with the kids, well, then they would have split up. He knew that.
“Of course I do.” Dean grinned, looking at Castiel. “I love those little rascals, doesn’t mean that it’s not hard man. How often have you been up since five am the last month? I’d kill just to sleep in.” Cas didn’t even bother to hide the affectionate smile that stretched over his lips as he unbuckled little Zoey from the stroller. Her sister and she had curled up close to each other, almost like they had put a mirror between them. It only helped him realize just how adorable the twins could really be when they weren’t screaming their lungs out.
Zoey looked up at him grumpily, as if she was wondering why the hell he was waking her up. They both tended to do that, but well, Zoey was for sure the one that could pull the saddest faces if something was happening that she didn’t like. Claire was more the calm one, she could stay silent but if something wasn’t to her liking, she’d for certainly let you know.

John and Bobby arrived after a half an hour, just in time to finish eating with them. The girls had eventually eaten, which was a tiny victory for them. They tended to be annoyed enough about being woken up that they didn’t want to eat, all they did was grumpily stare and clutch their stuffed animals close to them.
But then again, they were kids and pancakes were good options for any kid. Especially Zoey seemed to love the blueberry pancakes. She ended up finishing what her sister couldn’t.
“We should get them to bed,” Dean muttered, gently patting Claire’s head. She had settled herself against his arm, hands circled around his arm. “Or they’ll be grumpy all day.”
“Probably. I’m sorry guys.”
“Don’t worry about it, kids come first,” Jessica said with a smile. “Sam promised that he’d show me where he grew up anyway.”