[Fic] Anthem of the Angels
Title: Anthem of the Angels
Author: youaregonecas
Wordcount: 2.109 words
Written for: otpfic_a_month
Theme: Reverse!verse
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: R
Pairing: Sam/Gabriel
Tags: end!verse, falling angel Sam, human Gabriel, angst, hurt/comfort, fading grace, reverse!verse, low self confidence, hurt
Summary: Set after 5x04. The end is.... postphoned. After they ripped up the ending, the chaos that followed was awful. Amidst that chaos, Gabriel's angel starts falling and losing faith. It's a battle and for the first time in ages, Gabe's afraid of losing everyone he cares about.
[AO3] & [Tumblr]
There is nothing left of you
I can see it in your eyes
Sing the anthem of the angels
Cold light above us
Hope fills the heart
And fades away
Skin white as winter
As the sky returns to grey
Anthem Of The Angels; Breaking Benjamin
Camp Chitaqua was never completely silent. There were always people around, there was always walking and talking. There was always something going on, especially now things had settled down and evil was ‘defeated’. While people were still uneasy about whole situation, he could sense the calm that was slowly settling on the people. Castiel really had outdone himself with taking the role as a leader, Daniel - or Dean, as he preferred even after his grace had been brought back - supporting him every step of the way. It was adorable, really, the way they both sought refuge in each other while blatantly refusing to admit that they were indeed together.
And really, they both deserved kudo’s for what they had done for both him and the other people in need of care. Castiel didn’t blame him, at least, he didn’t mention it. Behind his back, Gabe didn’t know what was going on. He preferred to keep it that way. Gabriel prefered staying in the dark about it, didn’t know how much hatred that it would take for him to finally break, but he knew that it wouldn’t be too much.
Because yes, underneath the playful, candy coated exterior, Gabriel was afraid of getting hurt, of letting people see just how much his bad decisions hurt him. It was all him, he knew that. He had been the one to let the devil in, he had been the one to let all of this loose on the world.
Gabriel lingered at the chain-link fence before finally stepping through and closing it behind him. It was a chapter that he ended, a wound he allowed to heal. Nobody knew that he was leaving, but it was better this way, a lot better. At the camp, people still looked at him as if he was him, Lucifer, the Devil. Perhaps, yes, he was the devil in his own way.
Gabe should have known. Saying ‘yes’ to Lucifer had ruined everything, kick started the apocalypse. He’d won eventually, kicked him back out but the prize had been a hard one. Too many lives had been sacrificed in the final showdown, too much was lost. All because of him. People hated him for it, and they were right. They should hate him. He did.
Castiel didn’t throw him out of Camp Chitaqua, but he knew that he didn’t belong there. The Camp had been a safe haven while he recovered from his bruises and wounds, but now, he felt out of place there. People didn’t want him there, not truly. He’d seen the looks and it hurt.
Gabriel didn’t know how long his feet forced him to take another step. He’d started walking and didn’t look back. Each step was worse and worse. He’d lost everything that he was here for after all, everything that he had fought for, his brother, his angel. Samael - or Sam, as he preferred to be called - didn’t know that he had gone away, left in the middle of the night.
Soon enough, he’d follow him, the way he always seemed to do after a little while. Sam wasn’t lost now that he was half human, slowly losing his grace, Gabriel didn’t want to go that far. He wasn’t completely lost, he just wanted to take care of Gabriel, show him that even as a human, he could help.
They had started their weird relationship ages ago, back when they had just been friends. Right now, Gabriel didn’t know what they were. They shared a little room back at camp, with their own respective beds in a corner of the room. At night, one of them often crawled in bed with the other one, because they had a nightmare or because they were just upset.
Gabriel didn’t stop walking until six PM, when the sun was down and his feet were bleeding. Sam had called him at least three times by now, but he just couldn’t answer. Sam would use whatever of his grace he had left and go back to him, to bring him back to the camp.
“You have three new messages: First message: ‘Gabriel. Where are you? I thought we were going on a grocery run?’ First message deleted. Second message: ‘Your stuff is gone. Where are you? Don’t be stupid.’ Second message saved. Third message: ‘Gabriel, if you don’t call me back, I will hunt you down and drag you back by your ears you got me?’.
He sighed as he threw his cell to the side, crawling under the motel blankets. His feet still hurt like hell, the blisters stinging and pulling on his skin. His body was tired, muscles aching and he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to, but couldn’t. His mind was running in circles.
The buzzing of his phone distracted him every once in a while, Sam having resorted to sending him text messages instead of calling, knowing that yeah, it probably had more success than calling him. He didn’t bother checking whatever he send. Gabriel could check tomorrow, when he didn’t feel like the world was falling down on him.
Gabriel eventually gave up on sleep around five am, body tired but mind too aware to drift off. His phone had stopped buzzing hours ago, Sam apparently too tired to stay up for him. Gabriel didn’t exactly mind him doing that, it wasn’t like Sam and Gabriel had something going for them, they were friends and that was all that they were.
He knew that he was kidding himself. What had happened a few days ago and they had both been tiptoeing around, it wasn’t what just friends did. Friends didn’t fuck around with each other.
Worst of it all was, it had felt like therapy; the way that Sam’s long fingers dug into his flesh as set his rhythm, leaving bruises that blossomed on his hips and thighs. Best of it all had been the burn and stretch as Sam pushed in. Gabriel had bit his lip and hid just how much it hurt from Sam.
Afterwards, Sam had passed out next to him, head resting on Gabriel’s chest. First thing he did had been to go to the bathroom, turn the shower on and burst out crying. Crying, because he was weak and pathetic, because he had fucked up the only relationship that still felt genuine to him.
The bruises that he still sported both made him feel better about it and worse. Worse, because they reminded him of how fragile and broken he had felt afterwards, better because they reminded him that it happened. They reminded him off the pain and stretch, of the way that he could be punished. He should be punished.
Just when he thought that he would be able to hold out and wouldn’t open the text messages, he reached out anyway. It was stronger than himself, he just couldn’t stop himself.
‘Dude. Just answer. Castiel is freaking out’ Dean. ‘Or so help me god, I will not allow you some privacy like Samuel is doing and just come over. Screw your privacy.’
‘Gabe, where are you?’ Cas. ‘Are you okay? Or at least safe?’ He could so easily hear the gruff way his brother would say it. ‘Please come back? Samuel is worrying about you. He won’t tell you, but he is.’
And the messages just went on like that, a few of Sam, a few from Dean and quite a lot from Cas.
‘I’m okay. Don’t worry. I’m not coming back.” He send the text and took the battery out of his phone. He couldn’t deal with them being around and worrying, not today and probably not in the near future.
Gabriel was on the run - even though he’d never admit it out loud - and he wasn’t coming back.
Some miracle found him in a motel two weeks later, feet sore and tired, muscles complaining. His skin was an angry red from walking around in the sun all day, aching with every rub of clothes. Just taking a shower was becoming painful, even though he knew he needed it.
He had found a few places to eat over the past couple of weeks, but his money was running out fast. Gabriel tried to resort to selling some of his stuff, but it wasn’t enough. The one thing that he still had, he just couldn’t sell. It was their mother’s necklace.
From inside the medallion, she smiled at him, baby Castiel on her lap and toddler Gabriel sitting on the ground next to her, pressing a kiss on Cas’s bald head. In the other side a picture of his mother and him a few months later, a smile on both their faces.
It were the last pictures he had from her. Just weeks later, she had passed away in her sleep. He remembered that night, crawling into bed with mommy because he was afraid of the monsters under his bed. She had smiled and shushed him, allowed him to huddle close to her and wrap his arms around her. The last thing he remembered was falling asleep to her breathing.
When he woke up the day after at nine AM, she still wasn’t up. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t feel like it was that big of a deal. Mommy had been getting up early a lot because of Cas, she deserved sleeping in. Gabe remembered pressing a kiss to her temple and pulling the blankets around her because she felt cold.
“Sleep tight mommy!” he remembered saying before going downstairs, not realizing that she wasn’t sleeping. That realization only came later that day, when the doctors swept in and mommy was brought to the hospital. That night, he slept in his bed with Cas next to him and his father in the rocking chair in the corner of his room.
Mommy was gone.
Gabriel still had nightmares about her, but they weren’t all that frequent, at least not anymore. When he had them though, they still threw him. Before, he’d been able to help Sam out with whatever it was that he was doing after a nightmare, whether it was cleaning rifles or making bullets, he’d do it. Now, he couldn’t anymore.
However, when he woke up that night, it was to Sam shaking him awake. The room was dark and yet, he recognized Sam by the rough tips of his fingers, the tenderness that they still possessed somehow.
“You called for me in your sleep,” he said apologetically. “I, I didn’t know whether I could come or not but you seemed so upset that I, I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He snapped on the light on the bedside table, revealing the contours of the former angel’s face, surprised by just how worried his angel seemed to be. The bags under his eyes surprised him. Before, Sam hadn’t needed sleep, he could go on for days without sleep when Gabriel left. Had things gone that far south for him? “You look like crap.”
The words were out before he could stop them, forcing a slight chuckle from Sam.
“Thank you for your consideration. You don’t look so hot either Gabe. Are you eating? You look so thin.” He seemed to want to reach out, do anything to console him, but Gabriel shied away from the touch. He didn’t need the tenderness, not right now.
He couldn’t accept it even though he knew that he craved the touches, the love that Sam could offer and would offer.
“I know. You, are you sleeping?” His mind was raging with worries for his friend. “You shouldn’t be sleeping, right?’
“I used up a lot of my grace the past couple of weeks - I, I’ve been looking for you.” Sam seemed to almost be ashamed to admit that he was. “It’s been taking its toll on me. I couldn’t find you until now, when you called out for me. I am, tired.”
“I got a twin size. You can, uh, sleep on the other side of the bed,” Gabriel sighed after a look at the clock. He would regret this, he knew that. Every fiber in his body was either yelling at him to let the other man crawl close and snuggle up against him or to push him away.
Sam took that choice for him, taking off his shoes and jacket before crawling under the blankets next to him. Back pressed to his back, the soft and steady breathing of the man on the other side of the best comforting him and lulling him back to sleep easily.