[Fic] One Last Candle (to keep out the light) [3/4]
Title: One last candle (to keep out the light)
Part: 3 out of 4
Author:
youaregonecas
Wordcount: 1.443/7.238 words
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sam/Gabriel
Tags: letters, depression, major character death, suicide (mentioned), unrequited love, grief, a lot of angst going on, please read at your own risk, season 10 divergent
Summary: Sam Winchester was lost. Lost big time. He once had his brother to help him when he really wasn't in a good place, but now? Now even Dean is gone. With Dean gone and Gabriel gone too, he just doesn't know what to do.
Terrified of his own thoughts, he writes a letter to Gabriel, bringing back memories he hoped he'd never have to face again.
Sam was crying by the time that he finished all his letters. He cried his eyes out. All those things he felt back then coming back so raw and pure. They were overwhelming, so incredibly overwhelming.
And it wasn’t just the memories coming back, it was the thoughts too. He knew that there was so much more than what was in those letters. He had never dared to write about how willing he had been to put a bullet through his skull, how hard it had been to get up in the morning sometimes. How hard it still was.
Sam still dragged himself out of bed. He never looked at the ceiling because he knew that if he looked up, he could see Jess burning again. He could see her figure burn, the panic in her eyes as she looked down on him that day in November. Sam could see the blame in them.
It were those eyes that haunted him during the day and made him feel a little bit worse every day. Not just Jess though. It would be unfair to put the blame on her, while it wasn’t all her, not at all quite frankly. It was Dean dying too, Gabriel being M.I.A. it was everything that just came together in his head and caused a thundercloud.
More than a thundercloud, a roaring storm that sometimes completely covered the sun. Some days, a sliver of slight shone through the deck of clouds, letting him have that little bit of happiness and other days, it felt like the sky only became more and more clouded, letting not even the slightest sliver through.
Today was a bad day, and Sam wasn’t coping.
He had only just slammed the door to the bunker closed behind him when his foot connected with something on the ground. Sam was one hundred percent sure he hadn’t seen it when leaving the bunker earlier.
It could have fallen, but then again, that was unlikely. His letters had been tied up perhaps a little bit too tight to get loose.
There were only a handful of letters there, in blank envelopes. These were due ages ago. I’m sorry.
Sam read all five of them, until his eyes became too teary to continue on reading. They were from Gabriel. Gabriel was alive. He was alive and well and sorry. It helped, even if it was just a little. He had been on the run from heaven, taken time off.
But it was too late now, Sam realized that. Gabriel may be alive, but he would stay as far away from him as he could. He had read the letters. He knew of Sam’s feelings towards him. He had finally done it, he had pushed the last thing he cared about away. No one could love a broken shell, especially not an angel with armour around his heart.
Sam would pay one more visit to his brother and then he’d leave. He had packed up everything that he wanted, everything that he needed. It didn’t even fill a bag to take on the road. All he took were the letters that he had written, the letters that had been written by Gabriel.
The rest was arbitrary. He could pick up some clothes on the road, and the rest? The rest would come back to him in one form or another. Things like his cell, they were only reminders of what he had lost and would never get back.
The thing that hurt the most about all of this was leaving behind the Impala in the garage. Dean would have wanted his baby to be loved but Sam, he just couldn’t. Maybe Cas could drive it if he wanted. After all, Dean had a thing for the angel. His brother had never really managed to hide just how much trust he put in Castiel.
The snow had melted away mostly, the little bits of snow that had remained turned into a muddy mess. Nature always lost its beauty when winter gave up its hold on it and the snow melted. It was a shame, but Sam had stopped caring a long, long, long time ago. He didn't know when he had stopped caring about it, if it was somewhere after Dean's death or if it was a long, long time before that. All he knew was that it was kind of sad. He hated it, he hated how little he cared about everything now.
"Bye Dean," he whispered sinking down in front of the grave. "I uh, I didn't tell Cas that I am leaving, not yet. I feel so bad though, so incredibly bad about it. But yeah, I am leaving all of this.“ His gaze shifted to his feet and the way they dug into the snow under his feet. "I was too ashamed. He'll figure it out, eventually.”
What was he going to do now? Where could he go? Where could he go that offered him at least some relief? He didn't even dare be all on his own, knew that all that kept him alive was his brother being upset. People who killed themselves went to hell, he knew that and the last thing he wanted to do was end up in hell. But then again, who cared about it? Sam sure didn't.
He could go to hell and be tortured and he'd be glad because he'd know that at least that would allow him to feel. To feel something except this numbness.
"Dean, I am sorry about everything that I did. I know that I shouldn't have done most of it." He didn't noticed it when tears started to flow freely. "I don't know how long I can hang on, not anymore. So please, if I do something. I am sorry, I am so incredibly sorry."
He didn't know how long he sat there, knees feet pulled up to his chest and tears falling freely. Sam’s knees had given out on him at some point. The sobs that tore through his chest were violent; violent enough to have him coughing and gasping for breath. He was a mess, a god damn mess and the thing was, he didn’t care.
Sam didn’t care if anyone found him like this or not. Part of him wanted to be found, wanted people to know how messed up he was and another part, it wanted to keep everything silent. He was a failure as it was, if people knew just how messed up he actually was, things would be worse. They would look at him differently, with disgust.
He didn’t bother wiping the tears or snot away anymore, he knew that it was a waste of effort. His tears would be replaced with new ones until his body couldn’t muster up the energy anyway. The darkness covered him like a blanket, it weighed him down. Just doing something like that was a waste of effort.
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I am such a failure, but I’ll show you.” The words weren’t louder than a whisper. “I’ll show you that I am brave.”
The motor purred under him. He had almost forgotten how good it could feel to be on the road every once in a while, how could it could be to feel the wind. The roads were slippery with the melted snow that had frozen over last night and well, that was good.
He had no clue of where he was going, didn’t have a direction to go. Why would he? It wasn’t like people needed him somewhere. He was on his own and well, for what he was intending to do, there was no chosen spot.
Sam Winchester, biggest pussy of them all, was going to actually do the brave thing. He was going to end this himself. Demons wouldn’t take his deals, Crowley wasn’t showing up and Cas? Cas didn’t need him.
The angel hadn’t needed him in a long time, he was good on his own. It hurt, knowing that even the last thing that he could survive for, for an angel that had once clung to his brother like a beacon, didn’t need anyone anymore.
He made one quick stop to at least call, to get to say goodbye. It was a coward’s thing to do. Sam had that little spark of hope that perhaps Cas would be able to talk him out of this.
Calling ‘Castiel’… The phone kept ringing, until it eventually went to voicemail. The voice in the back of his head was vicious as it snapped back at him. They don’t care about you Sammy. You should have known.