Ab Initio - SPN - Sam/Dean
Title: Ab Initio
Author: youaredriving aka Scarletsptember
Fandom(s), Characters: Supernatural, Sam/Dean
Total Word Count: 20.106
Rating: R
Warnings: Spoilers for 5x22 after that I take it an entirely different direction. Angst, violence, artistic liberties taken, incest
Summary: It's always been Sam and Dean from the beginning but Sam's time in Hell has changed him. It's made him into the one thing he's feared and he'll do whatever it takes to keep Dean safe. Even if it means staying away. Needing to stay sane he leaves something behind for Dean, just knowing it's there allows him to keep hold on the last threads of his humanity.
Author's Notes: I kind of worked my heart out with this. Did a lot of thinking a lot of re-writing and hoping that everything made sense. I got a ton of people (Okay three, who I owe the world to) to read over this and I feel like this one was a good one.
Sam
Sam curled in tight against his knees with his hands covering his ears from the screams. His eyes were squeezed shut, trying to block out the bright flares from the fires. He buried his nose against his jeans, trying to get away from the smell of sulfur and tortured flesh. The cage was louder, and brighter than the rest of Hell. No rest, no breaks. This was eternal damnation.
This is where he’d be serving out the rest of his life. This is what he sacrificed everything for. Sam buried his face deeper into his arms from the echoes of another howl. There were only so many ways he could try to keep himself sane. He tried counting seconds, minutes, and days but from the moment Adam disappeared from the cage, he lost track of how long he had been lock in here.
For the longest time he drew patterns with the tips of his fingers across the floor. Small mindless shapes to keep his mind occupied and away from the cries for help, he lost himself in the drawing until he realized what his fingers were moving through. He remembered moving across the cage to the opposite end, his stomach roiling at the thought of the charred ash and bone.
Afterwards, it was Dean that he thought of that kept his mind calm. It always came back to Dean. Even through the smells and the sounds it was always Dean who managed to keep him sane. Sam could barely remember what laughter sounded like but when he thought he did, it was Dean’s laugh and his shit eating grin that had him pushing past the bone wrenching screams. It was the memories of their hunts and the long night drives in the Impala that had Sam running bloodied fingers through his hair instead of pulling it from his scalp in terror.
His thoughts always came back to Dean.
Until everything changed. The flames cooled, the screams quieted, and the air was crisp against his skin. Sam looked up and he saw blue. Sam couldn’t remember the last time he saw the color blue when it was so bright and deep. It was almost as if you could reach out and cup water in your hands to drink from it.
“Hello Sam.”
Sam looked over towards the figure sitting next to him and he shivered. “Castiel.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you sooner,” Castiel placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder and instantly everything felt lighter. Sam flexed his hands and he looked down at them to see that they were free of blood, scabs, dust and sulfur.
“I thought I was stuck there.”
“God does not punish the selfless, Sam.” Castiel answered softly.
“How long was I in there?” Sam stretched out the muscles in his legs and grimaced at the state of his shoes. Despite what the angel could do for his hygiene he couldn’t do much for the state of his clothes.
“It has been a while, Sam.” Castiel answered cryptically as he placed warm fingers against Sam’s forehead and moved them into an empty motel room. Sam looked around the room. He spotted a folded up newspaper with a pair of car keys lying on top of it. He was already itching to get his hands on the newspaper to see how much time he had lost since being in the Cage. A laptop had been situated on the nightstand and a suitcase lay undisturbed on the bedspread. “This room has all the answers you seek. It will tell you where your brother is, what day it is, and what you should know about what is happening outside that door.”
“How long do I have the room for?”
“Three days.” Castiel answered. “You aren’t the same any longer Sam.”
“It’s not hard to figure out, Cas.” Sam whispered as he flexed his fingers out again. The air felt cold against his skin. He could breathe, he could move. His body sung out with unused energy.
“You are not meant to have gotten free. You were meant to remain in Hell for eternity, Sam. Demons will be after you, they will chase you until there is nothing left. It wouldn’t be wise to stay here longer than it’s needed to clean up and rest. You need to leave before they realize you are here.”
“How will they know I’m here?”
“The length of time you were in the Cage has done more to the demon blood running through your veins then you could have ever done to yourself by ingesting demon blood. Your blood will call to them. Wherever you are, they will find you Sam.”
“Then why bring me out?” Sam wiped a weary hand over his eyes. “Why risk it?”
“Because you were never meant to be taken from your path and both you and your brother were when you sacrificed yourself by jumping into the Cage. Take the night to rest and to think but do not remain here longer than necessary.”
Sam blinked and Castiel was gone from the room. Sam looked at the newspaper sitting across the room and closed his eyes tightly ignoring the burning curiosity. He moved towards the suitcase and unzipped it. There was a packet of envelopes and paper setting on top of two sets of clothes and a pair of sleeping pants next to a new set of boots. Sam ignored the envelopes and paper and he grabbed the sleeping pants to head for the shower. He ran the water cold as he washed, enjoying the feeling of something he could control again for once.
The feel of the cool water and soap relaxed his muscles. It calmed his nerves more than he actually liked to think about. Once he was out the shower he perched against the edge of the bed with the newspaper in hand. Taking a deep breath Sam steeled himself for the date. He choked as he flipped through further pages to check that he wasn’t seeing things. It was already October.
Which was why the laptop was there so Sam could catch up on current events. To make sure the world wasn’t falling victim to another apocalypse. First things first, check to make sure Dean was alive and then he’d check on other things.
By morning, Sam had everything that Castiel left in the motel room packed up tightly in the suitcase. If Castiel was right, and the demon blood did end up calling to other demons there was no way Sam would stay longer than needed. He needed to leave. He needed to let Dean know he was alive.
The moment Sam stepped out of the motel room he knew something was wrong. The hair on the back of his neck stood on edge as every muscle tensed with the adrenaline of knowing his life was in danger. Seconds after the rush of adrenaline flooded his veins something so hot went soaring across his body.
Sam was internally cursing Castiel for not leaving him any kind of weapon when he spotted them. Sam didn’t even have to be face to face with them to know what they were. There was something nudging at him, telling him to go to them and to follow them back home. To Hell. Curling his fingers tight around the keys in his hands Sam clicked the unlock button on the smart key. His eyes were franticly searching for the flicker of headlights to see which car was left for him. A truck.
Sam was running, his feet were sliding against the loose gravel just as the demons ran to meet him halfway. With a wide arch of his arm and the suitcase, Sam sent one of the demons sprawling towards the ground. He grappled over control with the bulky vessel, finally letting the suitcase and all its contents contained inside go as he ran.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Sam grimaced at the feeling of a thick hand yanking his hair back, tugging him towards the ground. He was supposed to be safe now that he was out of the Cage. Sam rolled against the loose gravel and fought for control, landing blow after blow onto milky white skin that was turning blood red. He was supposed to be able to go back to Dean. Sam felt the anger pooling beneath his skin as the skin at his knuckles cracked. He was never going to have the life he wanted.
“What do you want from me?” Sam gritted out as he stared into the soulless eyes.
“I want you to go back where you belong.”
Sam blinked and stared down at what he had done to the poor vessel that the demon had taken control of. He was shocked at the blood, the broken bones and the torn skin. Looking up and around at the bloodied faces that were quietly watching him Sam scrambled to his feet and grabbed for the suitcase. As soon as he was in the truck he peeled out of the parking lot. Looking back in the rearview mirror, Sam watched as the demons worked to help each other up off the ground. They stood watching him drive away, bloodied faces fading from his view the further he got.
Sam swallowed down the fear and revulsion of what he had just done and focused on the road. He tightened his grip against the steering wheel with one hand at he attempted to wipe the other clean on his jeans. He repeated the process before he realized his hands were starting to shake. Sam could feel the adrenaline still pumping through his veins. He could feel his heart beating against his chest as heat sliced through his veins. “Shit.”
Sam slammed on the brakes as he aimed the truck towards the shoulder of the road as he caught his breath and he kept his eyes focused on each of the mirrors and windows for intruders. If Castiel was right and his blood did change while he was in the Cage, his life wasn’t going to be what he wanted it to be. If demons were going to be coming after him left and right, there was no way he could go to Dean. Not when he was with Lisa and Ben. “Oh God.”
Sam rested his head on the steering wheel, trying to prevent the warmth of tears that were threatening to spill over. He was going to leave his brother behind. He was going to leave Dean behind forever this time. Sam titled his head over and looked at the suitcase and remembered what Castiel said. You’ll have everything you need here. That’s why there were envelopes. Maybe he didn’t have to leave him behind completely.
~*~
Sam stood quietly beneath the flickering lamp post outside Lisa’s house. His hands were shoved deep in his pockets, fingers rubbing against the softened paper he had scribbled out a hurried letter to Dean. The memory was still fresh in Sam’s mind of the busy intersection where he made the decision to leave his brother and the world he had once known behind. Sam wondered whether or not he should actually leave the letter for Dean or if he should stay away completely. He watched as Dean moved around the dining room table with half a smile and his eyes tracking the conversation going on around the table.
Sam felt something tug at his heart seeing the scene unfolding in front of him. Dean was following his wishes. He was going for that apple pie life he had promised and he wasn’t looking for a way to get him out of the Cage, but it hurt seeing Dean with Lisa. It hurt seeing Dean with someone else. It was supposed to be them. It was always supposed to be Sam and Dean.
“You could tell him that you’re back.”
“I think that this is his one and only chance at a new beginning.” Sam looked over at the trench coat clad angel. “He deserves better than getting mixed up with me, Cas. He deserves a chance at happiness, an actual chance at being normal. Don’t you think so?”
“Don’t you deserve the same happiness that you’re allowing your brother?” Castiel asked. His eyes were bright beneath the lamp light. Sam took a deep breath before he shrugged his shoulders.
“I did a lot more harm to the world than he did, Cas. I caused this mess. I think I should be the one out there hunting. Anyways, he’s not the one that has a price on his head. I’m the one who got out after putting Lucifer back. I’m the one they want back in the Cage or on the racks. I’ve got the soul they want to shred to pieces. I can’t risk them finding Dean because I’ve gotten too close to him.”
“If that’s true then why are you here?” Castiel asked and Sam nodded towards the Impala. “You are not taking the Impala. You still have the truck I left for you.”
Sam grinned at the angel, “No, I’m taking something from the Impala. If I know Dean, which I do, he still has all our weapons locked in the trunk. I just happen to need mine back.”
“How are you going to get them?” Castiel cocked a challenging brow at Sam which got a sigh from Sam.
“Since you’re not going to help me, I’ll go with the old fashioned way. Dean taught me how to do this when we were younger and Dad used to lock everything in here. He even locked his journal in the trunk.” Sam smiled the memory. “Dean would sneak out here, get in the trunk and grab a gun so he could practice and he’d steal pages out of the journal so I could learn.”
“Your father probably knew what you two were doing.”
“Probably,” Sam agreed with a shrug. “But it was still something else Dean taught and did for me.”
“I could unlock the trunk for you,” Castiel offered. “Leave no traces of your popping the lock to get into Dean’s car. It would make him less inclined to want to hunt you down for harming his baby.”
Sam looked over at Castiel with a wide grin on his face. “Yeah, that would probably be faster and quieter.”
They both looked up with the lights switched off in the dining room and lights flipped on at the opposite end of the house. “We should move now. Dean is more aware at night. Even when he dreams, he wakes a lot. He doesn’t like seeing you in his dreams when he knows he can’t see you in person.”
Sam swallowed down the reality Castiel let him in on. He understood what it was like not wanting to dream. As good as the dreams were it was always like waking up into a nightmare because Dean wasn’t going to be there with him. His other half was somewhere else and there was nothing he could do about it.
“Let’s get this over with, Cas.”
“You could still go to him and tell him that you’re back.”
“They’d use him to get to me. Wouldn’t they? They’d be after both of us.”
“Would that be any different from the life you were once used to?” Castiel asked with an all too human shrug that caused Sam to sigh. “The decision is yours to make, Sam. I’ll be here either way.”
“I had my chance at normal. He deserves his.” Sam bit into his bottom lip ignoring the pain that filled his chest as he looked over at Castiel, “Let’s do this.”
As soon as they were at the trunk it popped open with a barely audible click. Sam dug around on the surface of the messy trunk and found an old sweater of his. He picked it up and couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of the worn fabric. Tossing it all the way to the back, Sam popped the false lid and took a moment to study all the weapons. He didn’t really want to take something of his own, other than the knife that Ruby had given him. He would need that more than he wanted to think about. Everything else though, all his eyes keep going to was Dean’s chrome Colt 1911.
His hands moved faster than his brain and he snatched the gun out of the trunk and he placed the weapon at the small of his back. Getting bullets wouldn’t be a problem but he grabbed a box just incase before he let the false lid drop closed.
After pulling the sweater to the front of the trunk he stuffed the letter he had been toying with all night inside the pocket of his old sweater. Sooner or later Dean would find it and he’d know. One day, Sam would go to that PO Box and he’d see an envelope instead of an empty cubby hole and his entire world would change. Until then, this was the end.
Dean
Dean lay awake in his bed wondering how much longer he should even give this life a try. Lisa knew he wasn’t in it all the way. Hell even Ben knew something was off and he was smart enough to give Dean wide berth. As long as he provided well enough for Lisa and Ben while he kept his own personal demons out of the house, they were okay as housemates.
Looking over at the clock and across the empty space of the room Dean sighed. It was going to be another one of those nights. It was going to be one of those nights were he kept looking for Sam in the shadows of a room that was too small and too comfortable for it to be a motel room.
“Damn it, Sammy.” Dean wiped a heavy hand over his eyes and curled around his pillows. It wasn’t fair being here without his brother. Not after everything they had been through. “Not tonight, just let me sleep tonight.”
Dean could feel his eyes burning with the weight of sleep when a soft knock had his eyes widening instantly and he watched as the door slide open slowly.
“Dean?” Lisa’s voice was soft and she sat on the edge of his bed. Her hand cautiously reached out to rub Dean’s leg, to wake him as if he weren’t already awake.
“What is it?” His voice scared her and she tensed before she began to speak.
“You’ve been here for a few months now.” Lisa toyed with lose threads on the quilt covering Dean’s legs. “I don’t know what happened and you won’t tell me. I’m not going to ask you to either. You deserve your privacy, Dean. But you’re not happy here. You’ve haven’t been happy since the moment you got here.”
Dean sat up and reached for the cup of water sitting on his nightstand and swallowed some of it down. Trying to use the few seconds he spent drinking the water to figure out what was going on. Setting the cup down on a crumpled paper towel Dean wiped his lips dry before looking back at Lisa. “I should go, shouldn’t I?”
“You’re welcome to stay as long as you want,” Lisa’s voice was soft. To Dean it sounded like she didn’t want to even suggest he leave. “It would probably be safer for Ben and me if you were to stay here but that’s selfish of me. What you aren’t hearing, what you aren’t seeing is that you can’t be happy here. As much as you want to believe you can be, it isn’t possible for you.”
Dean looked over to the corner of the room, avoiding Lisa’s teary eyes. After a second Dean nodded to himself before throwing the blanket back and heading for the dresser and grabbing his clothes out the drawers and tossing them onto the bed.
“Dean, what are you doing?” Lisa stood up when his wallet hit her. “I didn’t mean you had to leave.”
“No you didn’t but,” Dean moved to the closet to get his duffle bag, “it’s not like I’m going to be sleeping tonight. So what’s the difference between me leaving tonight and tomorrow morning?”
Dean started methodically rolling his clothes like he used to during hunts and shoving them into the duffle bag. “Either way, Ben’s not going to get a good-bye from me, Lisa. We both know it. So there’s no point in acting like he would. It’ll be better for everyone if I just go now if I’m going to go.”
“Where are you going to go?” Lisa stood up. Her voice was an angry whisper as her arm gestured wildly around the room. “Do you have any friends around here that you’ve kept a secret from me that you can actually stay with?”
Dean snorted as he zipped his bag up. “No but I can do what I’ve always done. I’ll find a motel far enough outside of town or even the state that no one around here will bother you or Ben about me.”
“So that’s what you’re going to do?” Lisa rubbed a hand over teary eyes. “You’re just going to disappear.”
Dean started putting on his shoes and growled in frustration when a manicured hand reached out and yanked a boot from his grip. He reached back and shoved one foot in the boot before going for the second as he spoke, “That’s who we are, Lisa. We disappear.”
Dean froze as he was slipping his second boot on, realizing what he said. He bit into his lip hard enough to draw blood before having the guts to correct him self. “It’s who I am, Lisa. I’m not meant to stay in one place. I’m meant to be on the road doing what I do. This was a great idea but it was a mistake. I should have just ignored everything that said I could do this and went with my gut. It would have saved you and Ben a whole lot of trouble.”
“You’re right.” Lisa nodded her voice was resolute in agreement. “It would have but at least we know how to protect ourselves. Leave your keys on the counter and have the kindness to leave Ben a note and your cell phone number if you don’t say goodbye to him in person.”
Dean watched as Lisa wandered from his room down the hallway into Ben’s room. Seeking comfort from the only constant she would ever have in her life. Dean did another sweep of the room making sure he wasn’t leaving anything behind before he shoved his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans and shouldering his duffle bag.
As he walked through the living room Dean scratched the back of his neck, even more uncomfortable being here now that he was leaving. He could pick out the little things that Ben made grudgingly at school and Lisa always displayed somewhere at the house. He noticed the new things Lisa took photos of and framed along the walls, always changing them out like last weeks trash. There was nothing of Dean’s was there. Everything he owned was either in the Impala or could be packed in a duffle bag. This was further proof he didn’t belong here, he just couldn’t figure out how to live here.
Propping the bag by the door, Dean snagged a piece of paper and scrawled out a half assed good-bye to Ben. He didn’t bother leaving his cell phone number, knowing full well he’d be changing it as soon as he hit the road to cut all connections with Lisa and this town. No point of leaving if there were people still calling and bitching. All he could offer was: a PO Box and a, I’ll get to you as soon as I can if the shit hits the fan.
Dean popped the trunk and tossed the duffle bag in. He eyed Sam’s hoodie. His hand automatically reached out to rub along the worn neckline. “I tried, man. I tried for as long as I could, Sammy. It just didn’t work out for me. Guess its either going back to hunting or hanging out with Bobby because Lisa ain’t cutting it. She’s really fucking clingy.” Dean grunted as he closed the hood and headed towards the driver’s side of the car and let the calm of the Impala rush over him as he cranked her up.
Part Two