I have become a parody of myself.
A fully realized version of myself as an idea I once had and thought might be funny to picture. A version of myself so polarized by the idea of wanting to do nearly anything and everything with my life at once, that it is no longer possible for me to do any of it.
A ship. In the Atlantic. Taking on water and sinking.
I woke up this morning and laughed. I had a feeling I might be finding a way out. I had a dream I was traveling. I had no worries other than to get from Point A to Point B. I had no desire other than to exist as I was, and move in a direction that wouldn't change that. I had of course no idea how this ability to return to being a purely reactionary person had been thrust upon me, but because of the context of the dream, I wasn't allowing myself to think of such things. It was liberating to even just pretend, well after I realized I was pretending.
In my head...
I was somewhere warm, interacting with people I didn't know, thinking of things I just don't think about, and wondering why my feet were cold.
In reality...
I am somewhere cold, interacting with people I do know, thinking of things I always think about, and I no longer wonder why my feet are cold.
I only wonder how I could have let myself get this way.
Internally my thoughts no longer come coherently. They come in streams of instantly gratifying pictures of the things that please me. Like someone with ADD without the symptoms. A remote control changing channels, except I'm holding the remote. My focus wanes. My dedication is non-existent. My confidence is vapor, drifting through a vacuum.
I want to write, but I don't know how. I want to record but I don't remember how. I want to go back to school but I can't justify doing it without knowing why I'd be doing such a thing to myself.
My life became stale the day I started being afraid to react. The day the mantra in me went from, "try something new," to "keep it the way it is." I very slowly built mental blocks around my thoughts and found myself captured suddenly, behind a wall of self apathy. If I have a job I go to work. If I have money I spend it. If I have a car I drive it. If I have the possibility of company I go to it. I fear doing anything outside of such a routine.
The thing that scares me the most however, is that I am aware of the things I choose not to do because I don't like them (go to bars, see people who annoy me), while at the same time doing things that scare the shit even though I may want to do them less.
I am not changing. I am no longer capable of it. I don't see how its possible anymore, and I am certainly no better for it.
A ship. In the Atlantic. Taking on water and sinking.
I woke up this morning and laughed. I had a feeling I might be finding a way out. I had a dream I was traveling. I had no worries other than to get from Point A to Point B. I had no desire other than to exist as I was, and move in a direction that wouldn't change that. I had of course no idea how this ability to return to being a purely reactionary person had been thrust upon me, but because of the context of the dream, I wasn't allowing myself to think of such things. It was liberating to even just pretend, well after I realized I was pretending.
In my head...
I was somewhere warm, interacting with people I didn't know, thinking of things I just don't think about, and wondering why my feet were cold.
In reality...
I am somewhere cold, interacting with people I do know, thinking of things I always think about, and I no longer wonder why my feet are cold.
I only wonder how I could have let myself get this way.
Internally my thoughts no longer come coherently. They come in streams of instantly gratifying pictures of the things that please me. Like someone with ADD without the symptoms. A remote control changing channels, except I'm holding the remote. My focus wanes. My dedication is non-existent. My confidence is vapor, drifting through a vacuum.
I want to write, but I don't know how. I want to record but I don't remember how. I want to go back to school but I can't justify doing it without knowing why I'd be doing such a thing to myself.
My life became stale the day I started being afraid to react. The day the mantra in me went from, "try something new," to "keep it the way it is." I very slowly built mental blocks around my thoughts and found myself captured suddenly, behind a wall of self apathy. If I have a job I go to work. If I have money I spend it. If I have a car I drive it. If I have the possibility of company I go to it. I fear doing anything outside of such a routine.
The thing that scares me the most however, is that I am aware of the things I choose not to do because I don't like them (go to bars, see people who annoy me), while at the same time doing things that scare the shit even though I may want to do them less.
I am not changing. I am no longer capable of it. I don't see how its possible anymore, and I am certainly no better for it.