fic: dust out the demons inside
dust out the demons inside
kurt/blaine, pg-13, 3410 words
spoilers: up to 3x17
warnings: discussion of cheating, angst
summary: missing scenes from Dance With Somebody. He feels kind of bad; it honestly hasn’t even occurred to him to talk to Mercedes about any of this.
author’s note: continuing my trend of only ever finishing episode reaction fics. I had a lot of complicated feelings about Kurt after this episode (and also feelings about the way it wrapped up), so this is my way of working through that, I guess. title and cut from Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues (which I would kill to have Kurt and Mike sing to Blaine and Tina, but anyway). all of the thanks in the world to Dianna for her help/hand-holding ♥
The last month has been confusing. He hadn’t lied to Rachel; it does feel like they’re an old married couple, but the thing is, Kurt has always assumed that that sort of thing happened gradually. Their situation - it just came up out of nowhere. Suddenly Blaine was incredibly busy, and his texts and calls and Facebook comments completely dropped off, and - most tellingly - he stopped looking at Kurt in the same way. Blaine’s feelings are usually pretty obvious, much as he tries to bottle them up, it’s one of the things Kurt loves about him, and Blaine’s feelings about Kurt are the most obvious of all. Blaine used to look at him with his love written all over his face, but he’s been wearing these guarded expressions for so long that Kurt’s starting to think he’d overestimated the old ones. Which is crazy, because he thinks that they’ve always been probably the most obviously in love in the whole glee club, aside from maybe Tina and Mike; even Rachel said once that she wished Finn looked at her the way Blaine looked at Kurt, and granted, she’d been arguing with Finn at the time, but she’s usually pretty blind to the flaws in her relationship, so he’d kind of taken it seriously.
It’s just that, the old married couple thing - saying it to Rachel had made him realise that it's not mutual, that if anything like that's been happening on his side, it's only in response to the way Blaine's acting. And honestly, while Chandler’s texts are flattering, obviously, because he’s hardly feeling appreciated by Blaine lately and it isn’t as if he’s ever had boys vying for his affection - they’re also a really great distraction. Over the last couple weeks he’s done a lot of Googling and a lot of analyzing, and it’s nice to have a break from worrying that Blaine isn’t attracted to him anymore.
It’s harmless. He has zero intentions of ever going beyond a few stupid flirty texts. He’s just missed feeling wanted, that’s all.
-
Even with the growing feeling that Blaine’s pulling away from him, Kurt hasn’t entertained the possibility of Blaine breaking up with him for a second. He didn’t consider it during the few moments he let himself feel guilty about texting Chandler, either. He’s so sure that he’s meant to be with Blaine, that they’ll work through anything - even if he’s been afraid of confronting Blaine for weeks now - that the idea of breaking up is unfathomable.
When Blaine asks, “Who’s Chandler?”, wearing more emotion than he’s directed at Kurt in a month, and Kurt’s instincts turn all of his responses too defensive, almost cavalier in a fierce need to protect himself and not, not, not because he knows he’s hurt Blaine and he hates himself for it (but Blaine’s been hurting him for weeks), not because he knows he’s in the wrong - when Blaine says, “tell me that you’re unhappy,” with his heart in his voice, something snaps and it becomes a possibility: what if he breaks up with me?
Panic blooms in his chest and floods out until it’s all he can feel; he’s barely even aware of what he’s saying in his desperate attempts to make it okay, but he’s pretty sure he’s not saying anything right, because Blaine just leaves.
He doesn’t know how long he stays sitting on his bed, staring at the door, until he’s jolted by his phone buzzing with a text. His first thought is of Blaine, and his heart leaps with anxious hope, but no, it’s Chandler, and Kurt feels overwhelmingly disappointed and sick to his stomach. He turns his phone off and tosses it to the floor, which is completely uncharacteristic of him, and then numbly changes into his pyjamas and crawls into bed.
-
His dad leaves his room after figuratively dropping an anvil on him, and before he has time to really process the weight and poignancy of their conversation, Mercedes calls him. He blinks at her name on the screen in slight surprise.
“I wanted to talk to you after glee today,” she says, in lieu of a greeting. “But you left so quick.”
“Oh,” he says, startled. He feels kind of bad; it honestly hasn’t even occurred to him to talk to her about any of this.
“I know things have been different between us this year,” she says. “But I love you, you know, and if you want to talk to someone who gets it - I’ve been where you are,” she says, her voice soft. “I cheated on Shane. I get how bad it can hurt you too.”
He’s about to insist that he didn’t cheat on Blaine, but - “Wait - you did what?” Now that she mentions it, he does remember vaguely wondering about her boyfriend around the time she and Sam were singing all those ballads to each other, but he was so caught up in Mr Martinez and Valentine’s Day that he supposes he wasn’t paying too much attention.
“I kissed Sam,” Mercedes says. “And I felt so bad that I ended it with both of them. I never expected this to happen with you and Blaine, though.”
“Yeah,” Kurt says, trying to ignore how much his chest hurts. “Who would’ve known there’d be so many gay guys in Lima?”
“That’s not what I meant,” she says. “You’re crazy about him. You guys are like a real, grown up relationship.”
Kurt breathes out. He wants to cry, suddenly, but he makes himself act strong, like he did with his dad. “I don’t know what we are,” he says, and then he pours out the whole sorry story. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting when he reiterates for the thousandth time that it wasn’t cheating, but Mercedes cuts straight through his bullshit.
“Boo, how would you feel if it was him? If you hadn’t made him smile in weeks, and then he met some guy and suddenly couldn’t stop grinning at his phone?”
“Sebastian - ”
“Was not the same thing at all, from what I’ve heard, and I think you know that. Seriously, Kurt, what if Blaine was flirting with some random guy? And he didn’t even tell you about it?”
Kurt squeezes his eyes shut. His mouth goes dry and his heart is absolutely aching, because he imagines Blaine sending some of the texts he’s sent - imagines Blaine even encouraging another guy - and it’s so painful he can barely breathe. All of the guilt he’s been holding back (an increasingly feeble endeavor after Blaine’s performance earlier, not to mention how immensely horrifying it was that he’d chosen a song with so many references to breaking up, but he’s been trying) finally crashes down on him.
“I’m not gonna tell you it’s cheating, but Kurt,” Mercedes says. “Have you heard of emotional cheating? Because I know now, before I even kissed Sam, that’s what I was doing. You might not even realise you’re doing it. But if you want to be with Blaine - ”
“I do,” Kurt says, even though he knows she knows.
“Then you just need to accept that whether it was cheating or not, you hurt him, and you need to make it right. I know you know Whitney can help you there.”
Kurt manages a laugh. “Yeah, she can,” he says.
“And Kurt, you need to cut that other guy off. I mean completely. I don’t think you should let your boyfriend tell you who to be friends with, but I also think it’s gone too far this time. And it’s not fair to this guy, either. I almost feel bad for him.”
“I know,” he says, even though he actually hasn’t really considered Chandler’s feelings in all of this, and God, isn’t that terrible? A new wave of guilt washes over him, but it’s really nothing compared to how worried he is about hurting Blaine. “I will. Mercedes? Thank you.”
“No problem, I’m always happy to whip your butt back in line,” she jokes, but he can hear the sincerity in her voice, and he promises himself that he’ll put in more effort with her before they graduate. He hadn’t quite realised just how much he’s missed her.
After they hang up, his phone buzzes, and it’s Chandler - he’s sent a few texts during the day, but Kurt hasn’t replied since the night before - and Kurt thumbs open a reply without even reading it.
I’m sorry, but this needs to stop. I have a boyfriend, I love him and I don’t want to hurt him. I’m so sorry if I led you on.
He replaces the post-it on the picture from prom with a blue sticker, crumpling the pink one with a faint sense of satisfaction. He was always going to take it with him, but tagging it to stay behind was sort of his way of spitefully sticking it to Blaine in a way that couldn’t do any more damage. Which, actually, was sort of what he was doing with Chandler.
-
Kurt catches Blaine in the hall after he sings I Have Nothing, and he can’t tell if Blaine’s so visibly upset because he’s moved or because he’s going to dump him. It’s both startling and terrifying.
“I can’t do this here,” Blaine says, before Kurt can even say anything, and Kurt’s world crashes around him.
“Are you - are you breaking up with me?” he asks, and he hates how cracked his voice sounds, but he just sang a song about how Blaine is his whole entire life, how could he not see that -
But Blaine looks shell-shocked. “No, I’m - do you want me to?”
“No,” Kurt says, and God, he hates fighting so much, he wants to wrap himself around Blaine and never let him go, but he doesn’t think Blaine wants to even be touched by him right now. “Never, I just - Blaine - ”
“Don’t,” Blaine says tightly, and his eyes are huge and wet again. “I know we need to talk about it, I’m just - I’m not ready, I need to - I need time.”
Kurt forces himself to stay calm. “Okay. That’s okay.”
“I don’t want to break up,” Blaine says, and his composure crumples for a split second, and then he’s gone. Kurt sags against the lockers, and when he opens his eyes, Mercedes and Tina are standing in front of him.
“You were incredible,” Mercedes says. “Ms Houston would have been proud.”
And that’s when the pain and frustration and helplessness overwhelm him and he just really, really wants to cry. He takes in a deep, shaky breath, and Tina reaches out, smoothing her fingers across the material covering his arm. It helps centre him somehow, and he says, “He’s not ready to talk.” He huffs a sigh; frustration is easier to focus on than his creeping terror, and it’s definitely preferable in such a public space. “I thought - obviously we need to talk, but I thought the song would, I don’t know... get through to him, I guess?”
“Oh, Kurt,” Tina says, running her fingers up to rub at his shoulder.
“Listen, it’s gonna be okay,” Mercedes says firmly. “We all saw his face, the boy almost lost it right there in the choir room.”
“He loves you,” Tina says; Kurt takes it as a given that Mercedes has filled her in. “It really will be okay.”
“Yeah,” he says, and this time the sigh he lets out is almost involuntary; he realizes he’s been holding his breath.
“You guys do need to talk it out, though,” Tina says. She shoots Mercedes a significant look. “Singing is great but it can’t replace conversation. You need to find out why he’s been distant.”
“He said he’s not ready,” Kurt says pointedly.
Tina looks thoughtful. “You could try asking Ms Pillsbury for advice,” she suggests. “Mike and I went to her last week about graduation stuff. She was actually pretty helpful. It was good to have a sort of mediator there.”
Kurt doesn’t really know what to think about that. He looks at Mercedes, who’s looking kind of doubtful.
“Maybe,” she says. “Me and Sam went to her, and I don’t know how much she really helped, but she tried.”
“I guess it couldn’t hurt,” Kurt says. It actually does seem like the kind of thing Blaine would warm to.
-
Ms Pillsbury is so enthusiastic about helping them that it makes Kurt wonder how much she actually does during the day. He kind of loves that she’s in their corner, though, that she gives the situation the weight it deserves and doesn’t tell him that maybe it would be for the best if they broke up. Because this is so much more than just a high school relationship, and he’s really glad that she treats it as such.
When he asks her for couples counselling tips, because he’s decided to do everything in his power to make this work, she’s flustered for a minute, like she’s surprised. Then she rummages through the papers on her desk. “Aha!” she says, and then she reads off of a paper about the basic practices of couples therapy. She says that the methods usually focus on communication, which makes Kurt’s stomach turn, because he used to think he and Blaine were so good at that. Ms Pillsbury says that they need to learn a safe method of communicating to express and hear each other’s feelings.
“‘The most commonly used method is active listening,’” Ms Pillsbury reads. “‘A communication technique that requires the listener to feed back what he hears to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what he has heard in his own words, to confirm what he has heard and moreover, to confirm the understanding of both parties. The ability to listen actively demonstrates sincerity, and that nothing is being assumed or taken for granted. Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others, focusing attention on the “function” of communicating objectively as opposed to focussing on “forms,” passive expression or subjectivity.’” She looks up. “Does that make sense?”
Kurt nods.
“There’s also emotionally focused therapy,” Ms Pillsbury says. “‘Based on attachment theory, it uses emotion as the target and agent of change. Emotions bring the past alive in rigid interaction patterns, which create and reflect absorbing emotional states.’ Oh! I think I have a pamphlet, actually.” She opens her drawer and looks through it, while Kurt thinks about active listening. He really had thought that they were good at that, that they’d always been honest with each other. He wonders if, for some reason, Blaine hasn’t felt safe expressing his thoughts lately. The idea makes him feel sick.
“Here we go!” Ms Pillsbury says, handing him a lilac pamphlet. “I made them after Mercedes and Sam came to see me.”
The cartoon couple on the front resemble Sam and Mercedes, but Kurt thinks that that’s where the inspiration ends, because the pamphlet is titled ‘SO THE HONEYMOON’S OVER’. He doesn’t really think that applies to them. He skims the inside - there’s a list in giant pistachio green font that says RESPECT! EMPATHY! TACT! ACCOUNTABILITY! CONSENT! COMMUNICATION! - while Ms Pillsbury goes to get Blaine.
-
It’s shocking, really, because he’d never thought that New York would be the root of their problems. And not because he wasn’t thinking about leaving Blaine behind, but because he’s never thought of it in those terms. He knows he’ll always love Blaine, the same way he knows his dad will always love him, and yeah, their relationship will be different, but they’ll still see each other, they’ll still talk all the time. It’s not going to end. He knows long distance is hard, but he’s never doubted that they’ll make it work. Blaine’s always going to be in his mind and in his heart, and physical distance can’t change that.
It wasn’t until Blaine said, “You’re the love of my life, Kurt,” that he realized why he’d been avoiding confronting Blaine for the past month. Because he knows that Blaine loves him, obviously he knows, but there’s a small part of him that remembers last year, that tells him he’s in this more than Blaine is. That because he loved Blaine first, that somehow means Blaine loves him less. And it makes no sense, and it unfairly disregards everything that’s happened since, but he knows now beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are well and truly on the same page.
-
Much later, when they’re in Blaine’s bed in the midst of a delightfully unscheduled make-out session, Kurt figures out what’s still bothering him.
He pulls away enough to look Blaine in the eye. “I’m sorry,” he says.
“I know,” Blaine says, his fingers still tracing Kurt’s jaw. “So am I.”
“No, listen, I’m sorry I didn’t - that you didn’t know, I thought you knew,” he moves his head just a little to kiss Blaine’s fingers. “You’re it for me. I can’t see myself with anybody else, ever, I don’t want to. And it doesn’t matter who I meet in New York, or anywhere, because nobody will ever compare to you.”
Blaine closes his eyes, swallowing hard, and Kurt just knows that this is what he’s needed to hear for the last month, maybe longer.
He kisses Blaine’s adam’s apple, his chin, the corner of his mouth. “You’re such a vital part of me, I thought you knew that. Next year’s going to be so hard, but we’ll get through it, and if you - Blaine, I know you’ve said you want New York too, but if it’s not - if you change your mind, we’ll get through that, too. Four years is nothing compared to the rest of our lives, right?”
Blaine’s looking at him like he’s the most wonderful human being to ever exist, and oh, but Kurt’s missed that. It feels like his heart is in his throat and he doesn’t even try to swallow it down, just holds Blaine tighter and lets himself feel the enormous, incredible weight of being the only person this boy will ever love. Blaine says breathlessly, “You’re zigging again.”
Kurt laughs. “Am I? I don’t wanna have to go where you don’t follow, remember?”
“I love you,” Blaine says, kissing him sweetly. “And I do want New York. I love the city, and I want to be where you are.”
And finally, there, any and all of Kurt’s anxieties are assuaged. One year. They’ll have one year, and then they’ll have forever. “It’s not going to be like your transfer,” he promises, because it’s finally dawning on him that even though Blaine had said he wasn’t transferring for him, a year at McKinley with only the few remaining members of New Directions for company isn’t much to look forward to. “One year, and then I’m not going to leave you again. Not ever, Blaine.”
Blaine smiles his biggest smile. “Good,” he says, then he ducks his head, looking up at Kurt through his impossibly beautiful eyelashes. “You’re it for me too, Kurt. And of course you’re incomparable.”
“Of course,” Kurt grins, leaning in to kiss him.
-
Later still, after they’ve made love (because that’s exactly what it is; Kurt feels a desperate need to show Blaine through his every action how much he loves him) and Kurt’s curled around Blaine’s side, he walks his fingers up Blaine’s chest and softly sings, “Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel, like you’re less than, less than perfect.”
Blaine smiles, giving Kurt that special look again, and kisses Kurt’s hair. He reaches up, holds Kurt’s hand still against his chest and murmurs, “You are perfect to me.”
Kurt snuggles in even closer, nuzzling his head between Blaine’s shoulder and neck. “Always?” he asks, and Blaine hugs him tighter.
“Always.”
kurt/blaine, pg-13, 3410 words
spoilers: up to 3x17
warnings: discussion of cheating, angst
summary: missing scenes from Dance With Somebody. He feels kind of bad; it honestly hasn’t even occurred to him to talk to Mercedes about any of this.
author’s note: continuing my trend of only ever finishing episode reaction fics. I had a lot of complicated feelings about Kurt after this episode (and also feelings about the way it wrapped up), so this is my way of working through that, I guess. title and cut from Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues (which I would kill to have Kurt and Mike sing to Blaine and Tina, but anyway). all of the thanks in the world to Dianna for her help/hand-holding ♥
The last month has been confusing. He hadn’t lied to Rachel; it does feel like they’re an old married couple, but the thing is, Kurt has always assumed that that sort of thing happened gradually. Their situation - it just came up out of nowhere. Suddenly Blaine was incredibly busy, and his texts and calls and Facebook comments completely dropped off, and - most tellingly - he stopped looking at Kurt in the same way. Blaine’s feelings are usually pretty obvious, much as he tries to bottle them up, it’s one of the things Kurt loves about him, and Blaine’s feelings about Kurt are the most obvious of all. Blaine used to look at him with his love written all over his face, but he’s been wearing these guarded expressions for so long that Kurt’s starting to think he’d overestimated the old ones. Which is crazy, because he thinks that they’ve always been probably the most obviously in love in the whole glee club, aside from maybe Tina and Mike; even Rachel said once that she wished Finn looked at her the way Blaine looked at Kurt, and granted, she’d been arguing with Finn at the time, but she’s usually pretty blind to the flaws in her relationship, so he’d kind of taken it seriously.
It’s just that, the old married couple thing - saying it to Rachel had made him realise that it's not mutual, that if anything like that's been happening on his side, it's only in response to the way Blaine's acting. And honestly, while Chandler’s texts are flattering, obviously, because he’s hardly feeling appreciated by Blaine lately and it isn’t as if he’s ever had boys vying for his affection - they’re also a really great distraction. Over the last couple weeks he’s done a lot of Googling and a lot of analyzing, and it’s nice to have a break from worrying that Blaine isn’t attracted to him anymore.
It’s harmless. He has zero intentions of ever going beyond a few stupid flirty texts. He’s just missed feeling wanted, that’s all.
-
Even with the growing feeling that Blaine’s pulling away from him, Kurt hasn’t entertained the possibility of Blaine breaking up with him for a second. He didn’t consider it during the few moments he let himself feel guilty about texting Chandler, either. He’s so sure that he’s meant to be with Blaine, that they’ll work through anything - even if he’s been afraid of confronting Blaine for weeks now - that the idea of breaking up is unfathomable.
When Blaine asks, “Who’s Chandler?”, wearing more emotion than he’s directed at Kurt in a month, and Kurt’s instincts turn all of his responses too defensive, almost cavalier in a fierce need to protect himself and not, not, not because he knows he’s hurt Blaine and he hates himself for it (but Blaine’s been hurting him for weeks), not because he knows he’s in the wrong - when Blaine says, “tell me that you’re unhappy,” with his heart in his voice, something snaps and it becomes a possibility: what if he breaks up with me?
Panic blooms in his chest and floods out until it’s all he can feel; he’s barely even aware of what he’s saying in his desperate attempts to make it okay, but he’s pretty sure he’s not saying anything right, because Blaine just leaves.
He doesn’t know how long he stays sitting on his bed, staring at the door, until he’s jolted by his phone buzzing with a text. His first thought is of Blaine, and his heart leaps with anxious hope, but no, it’s Chandler, and Kurt feels overwhelmingly disappointed and sick to his stomach. He turns his phone off and tosses it to the floor, which is completely uncharacteristic of him, and then numbly changes into his pyjamas and crawls into bed.
-
His dad leaves his room after figuratively dropping an anvil on him, and before he has time to really process the weight and poignancy of their conversation, Mercedes calls him. He blinks at her name on the screen in slight surprise.
“I wanted to talk to you after glee today,” she says, in lieu of a greeting. “But you left so quick.”
“Oh,” he says, startled. He feels kind of bad; it honestly hasn’t even occurred to him to talk to her about any of this.
“I know things have been different between us this year,” she says. “But I love you, you know, and if you want to talk to someone who gets it - I’ve been where you are,” she says, her voice soft. “I cheated on Shane. I get how bad it can hurt you too.”
He’s about to insist that he didn’t cheat on Blaine, but - “Wait - you did what?” Now that she mentions it, he does remember vaguely wondering about her boyfriend around the time she and Sam were singing all those ballads to each other, but he was so caught up in Mr Martinez and Valentine’s Day that he supposes he wasn’t paying too much attention.
“I kissed Sam,” Mercedes says. “And I felt so bad that I ended it with both of them. I never expected this to happen with you and Blaine, though.”
“Yeah,” Kurt says, trying to ignore how much his chest hurts. “Who would’ve known there’d be so many gay guys in Lima?”
“That’s not what I meant,” she says. “You’re crazy about him. You guys are like a real, grown up relationship.”
Kurt breathes out. He wants to cry, suddenly, but he makes himself act strong, like he did with his dad. “I don’t know what we are,” he says, and then he pours out the whole sorry story. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting when he reiterates for the thousandth time that it wasn’t cheating, but Mercedes cuts straight through his bullshit.
“Boo, how would you feel if it was him? If you hadn’t made him smile in weeks, and then he met some guy and suddenly couldn’t stop grinning at his phone?”
“Sebastian - ”
“Was not the same thing at all, from what I’ve heard, and I think you know that. Seriously, Kurt, what if Blaine was flirting with some random guy? And he didn’t even tell you about it?”
Kurt squeezes his eyes shut. His mouth goes dry and his heart is absolutely aching, because he imagines Blaine sending some of the texts he’s sent - imagines Blaine even encouraging another guy - and it’s so painful he can barely breathe. All of the guilt he’s been holding back (an increasingly feeble endeavor after Blaine’s performance earlier, not to mention how immensely horrifying it was that he’d chosen a song with so many references to breaking up, but he’s been trying) finally crashes down on him.
“I’m not gonna tell you it’s cheating, but Kurt,” Mercedes says. “Have you heard of emotional cheating? Because I know now, before I even kissed Sam, that’s what I was doing. You might not even realise you’re doing it. But if you want to be with Blaine - ”
“I do,” Kurt says, even though he knows she knows.
“Then you just need to accept that whether it was cheating or not, you hurt him, and you need to make it right. I know you know Whitney can help you there.”
Kurt manages a laugh. “Yeah, she can,” he says.
“And Kurt, you need to cut that other guy off. I mean completely. I don’t think you should let your boyfriend tell you who to be friends with, but I also think it’s gone too far this time. And it’s not fair to this guy, either. I almost feel bad for him.”
“I know,” he says, even though he actually hasn’t really considered Chandler’s feelings in all of this, and God, isn’t that terrible? A new wave of guilt washes over him, but it’s really nothing compared to how worried he is about hurting Blaine. “I will. Mercedes? Thank you.”
“No problem, I’m always happy to whip your butt back in line,” she jokes, but he can hear the sincerity in her voice, and he promises himself that he’ll put in more effort with her before they graduate. He hadn’t quite realised just how much he’s missed her.
After they hang up, his phone buzzes, and it’s Chandler - he’s sent a few texts during the day, but Kurt hasn’t replied since the night before - and Kurt thumbs open a reply without even reading it.
I’m sorry, but this needs to stop. I have a boyfriend, I love him and I don’t want to hurt him. I’m so sorry if I led you on.
He replaces the post-it on the picture from prom with a blue sticker, crumpling the pink one with a faint sense of satisfaction. He was always going to take it with him, but tagging it to stay behind was sort of his way of spitefully sticking it to Blaine in a way that couldn’t do any more damage. Which, actually, was sort of what he was doing with Chandler.
-
Kurt catches Blaine in the hall after he sings I Have Nothing, and he can’t tell if Blaine’s so visibly upset because he’s moved or because he’s going to dump him. It’s both startling and terrifying.
“I can’t do this here,” Blaine says, before Kurt can even say anything, and Kurt’s world crashes around him.
“Are you - are you breaking up with me?” he asks, and he hates how cracked his voice sounds, but he just sang a song about how Blaine is his whole entire life, how could he not see that -
But Blaine looks shell-shocked. “No, I’m - do you want me to?”
“No,” Kurt says, and God, he hates fighting so much, he wants to wrap himself around Blaine and never let him go, but he doesn’t think Blaine wants to even be touched by him right now. “Never, I just - Blaine - ”
“Don’t,” Blaine says tightly, and his eyes are huge and wet again. “I know we need to talk about it, I’m just - I’m not ready, I need to - I need time.”
Kurt forces himself to stay calm. “Okay. That’s okay.”
“I don’t want to break up,” Blaine says, and his composure crumples for a split second, and then he’s gone. Kurt sags against the lockers, and when he opens his eyes, Mercedes and Tina are standing in front of him.
“You were incredible,” Mercedes says. “Ms Houston would have been proud.”
And that’s when the pain and frustration and helplessness overwhelm him and he just really, really wants to cry. He takes in a deep, shaky breath, and Tina reaches out, smoothing her fingers across the material covering his arm. It helps centre him somehow, and he says, “He’s not ready to talk.” He huffs a sigh; frustration is easier to focus on than his creeping terror, and it’s definitely preferable in such a public space. “I thought - obviously we need to talk, but I thought the song would, I don’t know... get through to him, I guess?”
“Oh, Kurt,” Tina says, running her fingers up to rub at his shoulder.
“Listen, it’s gonna be okay,” Mercedes says firmly. “We all saw his face, the boy almost lost it right there in the choir room.”
“He loves you,” Tina says; Kurt takes it as a given that Mercedes has filled her in. “It really will be okay.”
“Yeah,” he says, and this time the sigh he lets out is almost involuntary; he realizes he’s been holding his breath.
“You guys do need to talk it out, though,” Tina says. She shoots Mercedes a significant look. “Singing is great but it can’t replace conversation. You need to find out why he’s been distant.”
“He said he’s not ready,” Kurt says pointedly.
Tina looks thoughtful. “You could try asking Ms Pillsbury for advice,” she suggests. “Mike and I went to her last week about graduation stuff. She was actually pretty helpful. It was good to have a sort of mediator there.”
Kurt doesn’t really know what to think about that. He looks at Mercedes, who’s looking kind of doubtful.
“Maybe,” she says. “Me and Sam went to her, and I don’t know how much she really helped, but she tried.”
“I guess it couldn’t hurt,” Kurt says. It actually does seem like the kind of thing Blaine would warm to.
-
Ms Pillsbury is so enthusiastic about helping them that it makes Kurt wonder how much she actually does during the day. He kind of loves that she’s in their corner, though, that she gives the situation the weight it deserves and doesn’t tell him that maybe it would be for the best if they broke up. Because this is so much more than just a high school relationship, and he’s really glad that she treats it as such.
When he asks her for couples counselling tips, because he’s decided to do everything in his power to make this work, she’s flustered for a minute, like she’s surprised. Then she rummages through the papers on her desk. “Aha!” she says, and then she reads off of a paper about the basic practices of couples therapy. She says that the methods usually focus on communication, which makes Kurt’s stomach turn, because he used to think he and Blaine were so good at that. Ms Pillsbury says that they need to learn a safe method of communicating to express and hear each other’s feelings.
“‘The most commonly used method is active listening,’” Ms Pillsbury reads. “‘A communication technique that requires the listener to feed back what he hears to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what he has heard in his own words, to confirm what he has heard and moreover, to confirm the understanding of both parties. The ability to listen actively demonstrates sincerity, and that nothing is being assumed or taken for granted. Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding to others, focusing attention on the “function” of communicating objectively as opposed to focussing on “forms,” passive expression or subjectivity.’” She looks up. “Does that make sense?”
Kurt nods.
“There’s also emotionally focused therapy,” Ms Pillsbury says. “‘Based on attachment theory, it uses emotion as the target and agent of change. Emotions bring the past alive in rigid interaction patterns, which create and reflect absorbing emotional states.’ Oh! I think I have a pamphlet, actually.” She opens her drawer and looks through it, while Kurt thinks about active listening. He really had thought that they were good at that, that they’d always been honest with each other. He wonders if, for some reason, Blaine hasn’t felt safe expressing his thoughts lately. The idea makes him feel sick.
“Here we go!” Ms Pillsbury says, handing him a lilac pamphlet. “I made them after Mercedes and Sam came to see me.”
The cartoon couple on the front resemble Sam and Mercedes, but Kurt thinks that that’s where the inspiration ends, because the pamphlet is titled ‘SO THE HONEYMOON’S OVER’. He doesn’t really think that applies to them. He skims the inside - there’s a list in giant pistachio green font that says RESPECT! EMPATHY! TACT! ACCOUNTABILITY! CONSENT! COMMUNICATION! - while Ms Pillsbury goes to get Blaine.
-
It’s shocking, really, because he’d never thought that New York would be the root of their problems. And not because he wasn’t thinking about leaving Blaine behind, but because he’s never thought of it in those terms. He knows he’ll always love Blaine, the same way he knows his dad will always love him, and yeah, their relationship will be different, but they’ll still see each other, they’ll still talk all the time. It’s not going to end. He knows long distance is hard, but he’s never doubted that they’ll make it work. Blaine’s always going to be in his mind and in his heart, and physical distance can’t change that.
It wasn’t until Blaine said, “You’re the love of my life, Kurt,” that he realized why he’d been avoiding confronting Blaine for the past month. Because he knows that Blaine loves him, obviously he knows, but there’s a small part of him that remembers last year, that tells him he’s in this more than Blaine is. That because he loved Blaine first, that somehow means Blaine loves him less. And it makes no sense, and it unfairly disregards everything that’s happened since, but he knows now beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are well and truly on the same page.
-
Much later, when they’re in Blaine’s bed in the midst of a delightfully unscheduled make-out session, Kurt figures out what’s still bothering him.
He pulls away enough to look Blaine in the eye. “I’m sorry,” he says.
“I know,” Blaine says, his fingers still tracing Kurt’s jaw. “So am I.”
“No, listen, I’m sorry I didn’t - that you didn’t know, I thought you knew,” he moves his head just a little to kiss Blaine’s fingers. “You’re it for me. I can’t see myself with anybody else, ever, I don’t want to. And it doesn’t matter who I meet in New York, or anywhere, because nobody will ever compare to you.”
Blaine closes his eyes, swallowing hard, and Kurt just knows that this is what he’s needed to hear for the last month, maybe longer.
He kisses Blaine’s adam’s apple, his chin, the corner of his mouth. “You’re such a vital part of me, I thought you knew that. Next year’s going to be so hard, but we’ll get through it, and if you - Blaine, I know you’ve said you want New York too, but if it’s not - if you change your mind, we’ll get through that, too. Four years is nothing compared to the rest of our lives, right?”
Blaine’s looking at him like he’s the most wonderful human being to ever exist, and oh, but Kurt’s missed that. It feels like his heart is in his throat and he doesn’t even try to swallow it down, just holds Blaine tighter and lets himself feel the enormous, incredible weight of being the only person this boy will ever love. Blaine says breathlessly, “You’re zigging again.”
Kurt laughs. “Am I? I don’t wanna have to go where you don’t follow, remember?”
“I love you,” Blaine says, kissing him sweetly. “And I do want New York. I love the city, and I want to be where you are.”
And finally, there, any and all of Kurt’s anxieties are assuaged. One year. They’ll have one year, and then they’ll have forever. “It’s not going to be like your transfer,” he promises, because it’s finally dawning on him that even though Blaine had said he wasn’t transferring for him, a year at McKinley with only the few remaining members of New Directions for company isn’t much to look forward to. “One year, and then I’m not going to leave you again. Not ever, Blaine.”
Blaine smiles his biggest smile. “Good,” he says, then he ducks his head, looking up at Kurt through his impossibly beautiful eyelashes. “You’re it for me too, Kurt. And of course you’re incomparable.”
“Of course,” Kurt grins, leaning in to kiss him.
-
Later still, after they’ve made love (because that’s exactly what it is; Kurt feels a desperate need to show Blaine through his every action how much he loves him) and Kurt’s curled around Blaine’s side, he walks his fingers up Blaine’s chest and softly sings, “Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel, like you’re less than, less than perfect.”
Blaine smiles, giving Kurt that special look again, and kisses Kurt’s hair. He reaches up, holds Kurt’s hand still against his chest and murmurs, “You are perfect to me.”
Kurt snuggles in even closer, nuzzling his head between Blaine’s shoulder and neck. “Always?” he asks, and Blaine hugs him tighter.
“Always.”