HUH
SO...I JUST GOT HOME FROM VISITING LYNDZ IN SANTA BARBARA AND WHILE IT WASN'T THE FUNNEST TIME I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE...IT WAS FUN...BUT I WAS READY TO COME HOME. I LIKE S.B. THOUGH IT IS A SUCK BUTT CITY...I COULD LIVE THERE. HER ROOMMATES ARE COOL TOO I SPECIALLY LIKED MARLY...
ANYWHO...THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON INSIDE OF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW AND IT'S SOO CONFUSING...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT ANY OF IT. I MISS MY GRANDPA...I WANT HIM BACK.
DEVEN CONFUSES ME SOO MUCH...HE SAYS I DRIVE HIM CRAZY AND HE COULD NEVER MARRY ME BUT HE WANTS TO LIVE WITH ME...HE SAYS HE IS LOST WITHOUT ME AND HE FEELS LIKE I ABANDONED HIM WHEN I GO AWAY BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME...HE WONDERS WHY WE EVER BROKE UP AND HE'S NEVER FELT THAT STRONGLY ABOUT A GIRL SINCE ME BUT HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH ME...HE ENJOYS MY COMPANY MORE THAN ANYONES AND HE CALLS ME BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE BUT I'M NOT HIS BEST FRIEND...HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK ANYTHING OF IT. AM I JUST THINKING TOO MUCH? IS IT REALLY NOTHING? I HOPE IT ISN'T ANYTHING...I DON'T WANT HIM TO LIKE ME...IT WOULD ONLY COMPLICATE THINGS EVEN MORE FOR ME...IT WOULD MAKE IT HARDER FOR ME TO NOT LIKE HIM...I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO SAY NO TO HIM! HE ISN'T "THE ONE"...HE ISN'T MR. RIGHT...HE'S NOT EVEN MR. RIGHT NOW...HE'S DEVEN...HE'S MR. WAS BUT NOT ANYMORE...I WISH HE'D STOP PLAYING THESE GAMES...I WISH I COULD TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW I AM FEELING...I WISH WE COULD JUST BE FRIENDS AND NOTHING MORE. I WISH THERE COULD BE NO FLIRTING AND NO CROSSING BOUNDARIES I DON'T WANT CROSSED...BUT IT'S DEVEN AND I CAN'T SAY NO TO HIM...IT'S DEVEN AND OF COURSE I LOVE HIM...IT'S DEVEN...WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO? I DON'T WANT TO DATE HIM...I DON'T WANT TO MARRY HIM...I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS ANYMORE...I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS...BUT HOW...? FOR SO LONG WE HAVE PLAYED THIS GAME AND TO JUST QUIT AND START A NEW ONE SEEMS SO IMPOSSIBLE...I KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO THOUGH...WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO GOSH-DARNED HARD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
OCEANSIDE IS BRINGING ME DOWN...HARD. I WANT OUT. I WANT TO GO AWAY TO COLLEGE. I WANT TO GO TO A NEW PLACE WITH NEW PEOPLE. IT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN WHY I AM FEELING THIS WAY...BUT IT'S HORRIBLE. BEING HERE I HAVE NO FEELINGS OR EMOTIONS...I AM NUMB TO ANYTHING BUT SADNESS, HURT AND THE OCCASIONAL HAPPINESS...I DON'T EVEN GET ANY PLEASURE IN TALKING ABOUT THE LORD RIGHT NOW...NOTHING SEEMS TO MAKE ME HAPPY...I FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID 2 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS "CLINICALLY DEPRESSED..." WHAT BOLOGNA IS THAT? I NEED TO GET AWAY...WHEN I AM AWAY FROM O'SIDE I AM HAPPY...I FEEL EXCITEMENT AND HAPPINESS AND JOY AND LOVE...ALL THE FEELINGS IN THE WORLD...BUT HERE I AM NUMB TO ALL OF THEM....EEERRRRRRRRRRR...I HOPE I GET ACCEPTED TO ONE OF THE COLLEGES...PRAY FOR ME WILL YOU?
I'M HUNGRY