If you crack a mirror, at what size mirror does the number of years of bad luck increase?
What about if it is the size of a small country? Actually, I didn't break it, the dog did.
If you start checking your e-mail, lj, and myspace compulsively for any new things, you have a problem. Don't ask me how to solve it, because I have the same problem. And I don't talk to anyone online ever (well, okay that is not completely true. I talk to Jamey. And Linsen and Dave when they are on and not away, cuz Linsen is always away.) I guess the not talking just stems from me feeling like having someone talk to me is a nuisance for them. Maybe my "social life" is falling apart. Actually, I never really had one. My hang out/talk to people group has changed. It went from Michasia and lots of other people mainly rowers, to Dave and his friends, and now I think it is starting to shift back towards Michasia.
Maybe this is for the best? I am leaving soon, and.....well fuck I don't know.
I was looking at pictures last night online. I found ones of me rowing at regionals freshman year. Looking at those pictures of myself and of the lightweight girls then and Courtney Matson and Katie Curran and Shauna Walchenbach and everyone else made me wish that I was rowing again. Seeing pictures of Carly coxing and Shania made me I was either one of them (i.e. a better, smaller sized coxswain.)
Okay, here is the news because I feel like shit, my knee, ass, and back hurt like bitches, I was up way too late last night, and I have the feeling that no one will even read this anyways:
I got into Oregon State. I am a sophomore in Exercise and Sport Science with a focus on either Athletic Training or Applied ESS. I have an advising appointment December 21st in Corvallis and I'll get my student ID card and my parking permit then. I have a bunch of packing and shopping to do. I already have some stuff. I will be living in West Hall, the International dorm (biggest rooms on campus with semi-private bathrooms). My room mate is a rower from New Zealand, her name is Jane, and she is pre-chemical engineering student. I am leaving January first. I am scared to go. I am starting to cry when I think about it. I have a feeling that it will be the same as my life here, just 4.5 hours away and without my support system (i.e. very alone and far away). If I am not in class (sitting by myself not talking to anyone) or at crew (which is a whole different can of worms) I will be eating by myself, working out at Dixon (rec center) by myself or sitting in my room or the library being ignored by everyone, studying and listening to my music on my mp3 player. For someone who spends so much time on their own, you would figure than I would be out going and talk to people in classes and such, but I'm not. The only people I hang out with here are Ann while I am driving her to school, and Dave. And on occasion I see Kip, Jaclyn, Teal, and CJ (who spends his time either playing video games, on the computer or in the library.) There are lots of parts I won't miss, like driving around for hours listening to people talk about stuff that I don't want to hear about, being on the outside with absolutely no way to get on the inside, basically just being an annoying butt fly, fighting with my brother, my dog getting into my garbage can, and not doing crew. But I will miss my own room, my dog, my family, Seattle, Dave, the Marshalls, driving around Seattle and all the memories from the sights there, my mom, my dad, my brother, not worrying about having some place to go when I cry or who will be there to take care of me, not worrying about who I will eat with, not worrying about disturbing or offending my roommate (which is stuffed animals right now), not having someone there for every possible embarrassing thing I do or happens to me in my own private space, everyone knowing me on the crew team, teaching skiing, the view of my aluminum window well, being able to have all my favorite stuffed animals on my bed without worrying what people will think when they come into my room, not worrying about using the bathroom, having someone to take care of me when I am sick. The list goes on. I am scared that I won't fit in on the team, that none of the guys will like me, that I will constantly be compared to Quinn (by the guys who have had him as a cox before) and that I just won't ever stack up, that I will fail school, that I won't wind up getting a degree that I want, that Dave will get tired of dealing with me and decide that he has better things to do, that I won't ever learn to stand up for myself, that I will hate school but I will waste all of my money on it because I can't go to school anywhere else, that I will wind up being a pest for Jane, that I won't wind up with any friends, that I will just fail in all aspects of life and wind up alone, uneducated, broke, and wishing I was dead.
At least the guys seemed pretty nice to me when I visited. We'll see how nice they stay when I show up for practice.
I hate the options I have if I don't go, because I know that I will feel like I failed if I don't get this done. So it may become a question of which do I hate less, the options if I come home early, or the options if I stay down there.
I need someone to say "Hey Blair, why don't we go out to dinner once you come down here?" or "Blair, can I show you around campus?" "Wanna hang out in my dorm room?" "Wanna hit the lounge?" "Want to go to Dixon?" "Want to watch the West Wing?" "Blair, lets meet for lunch tomorrow." I need someone to hold my hand just a little bit while I do this.
I am going into a situation where everyone else is already settled in, and I have to go in to this group, the only new kid who is supposed to know what they are doing, establish myself and somehow make friends. I did it in fifth grade, and I don't remember how to do it. I just remember that pretty much everyone (all the girls) thought I was a bitch in the beginning (mostly cuz I hung out with all the guys and according to Sarah, "the guys all liked me".) For the first however long was just me, Emily Tompkins, Caitlin Bauermeister, Jenna Bjorgen, and the teacher Candace Jordan (well at least I hung out with her, no one else did really). Fifth grade worked out fine in the end, but the circumstances have changed a lot since then.
Basically, this is all really scary, I am nervous and no one has said anything (other than Dan, kinda) that has made me feel any better about going to OSU.
Other news: I hurt my knee running around Seattle Center with Dave on Wed night trying to find the right IMAX theatre. Being injured makes it impossible to work out or walk to class. Finished my IR paper late last night. Haven't been getting much sleep. I'm fat, but that isn't really news. Just have to do that fucking HORRIBLE net assignment, make up a net assignment I didn't do, do the extra credit, take a quiz, do another net assignment, do one set of reading notes, turn in my portfolio, one more IR discussion, study for the IR final, do and write my ethnography, do my anthro final, take my IR final and then I am done. Thank the lord this quarter is over.
Okay, seeing as no one will read this, this could be even longer. But I was supposed to be napping when I started this about 30 minutes ago. So I am going to get to napping. Plus, I am just getting even more discouraged about school and crew and life.
I wish it was snowing. Or that I lived in the Swiss Alps.
How nice would it be to never wake up? hmm......
If you start checking your e-mail, lj, and myspace compulsively for any new things, you have a problem. Don't ask me how to solve it, because I have the same problem. And I don't talk to anyone online ever (well, okay that is not completely true. I talk to Jamey. And Linsen and Dave when they are on and not away, cuz Linsen is always away.) I guess the not talking just stems from me feeling like having someone talk to me is a nuisance for them. Maybe my "social life" is falling apart. Actually, I never really had one. My hang out/talk to people group has changed. It went from Michasia and lots of other people mainly rowers, to Dave and his friends, and now I think it is starting to shift back towards Michasia.
Maybe this is for the best? I am leaving soon, and.....well fuck I don't know.
I was looking at pictures last night online. I found ones of me rowing at regionals freshman year. Looking at those pictures of myself and of the lightweight girls then and Courtney Matson and Katie Curran and Shauna Walchenbach and everyone else made me wish that I was rowing again. Seeing pictures of Carly coxing and Shania made me I was either one of them (i.e. a better, smaller sized coxswain.)
Okay, here is the news because I feel like shit, my knee, ass, and back hurt like bitches, I was up way too late last night, and I have the feeling that no one will even read this anyways:
I got into Oregon State. I am a sophomore in Exercise and Sport Science with a focus on either Athletic Training or Applied ESS. I have an advising appointment December 21st in Corvallis and I'll get my student ID card and my parking permit then. I have a bunch of packing and shopping to do. I already have some stuff. I will be living in West Hall, the International dorm (biggest rooms on campus with semi-private bathrooms). My room mate is a rower from New Zealand, her name is Jane, and she is pre-chemical engineering student. I am leaving January first. I am scared to go. I am starting to cry when I think about it. I have a feeling that it will be the same as my life here, just 4.5 hours away and without my support system (i.e. very alone and far away). If I am not in class (sitting by myself not talking to anyone) or at crew (which is a whole different can of worms) I will be eating by myself, working out at Dixon (rec center) by myself or sitting in my room or the library being ignored by everyone, studying and listening to my music on my mp3 player. For someone who spends so much time on their own, you would figure than I would be out going and talk to people in classes and such, but I'm not. The only people I hang out with here are Ann while I am driving her to school, and Dave. And on occasion I see Kip, Jaclyn, Teal, and CJ (who spends his time either playing video games, on the computer or in the library.) There are lots of parts I won't miss, like driving around for hours listening to people talk about stuff that I don't want to hear about, being on the outside with absolutely no way to get on the inside, basically just being an annoying butt fly, fighting with my brother, my dog getting into my garbage can, and not doing crew. But I will miss my own room, my dog, my family, Seattle, Dave, the Marshalls, driving around Seattle and all the memories from the sights there, my mom, my dad, my brother, not worrying about having some place to go when I cry or who will be there to take care of me, not worrying about who I will eat with, not worrying about disturbing or offending my roommate (which is stuffed animals right now), not having someone there for every possible embarrassing thing I do or happens to me in my own private space, everyone knowing me on the crew team, teaching skiing, the view of my aluminum window well, being able to have all my favorite stuffed animals on my bed without worrying what people will think when they come into my room, not worrying about using the bathroom, having someone to take care of me when I am sick. The list goes on. I am scared that I won't fit in on the team, that none of the guys will like me, that I will constantly be compared to Quinn (by the guys who have had him as a cox before) and that I just won't ever stack up, that I will fail school, that I won't wind up getting a degree that I want, that Dave will get tired of dealing with me and decide that he has better things to do, that I won't ever learn to stand up for myself, that I will hate school but I will waste all of my money on it because I can't go to school anywhere else, that I will wind up being a pest for Jane, that I won't wind up with any friends, that I will just fail in all aspects of life and wind up alone, uneducated, broke, and wishing I was dead.
At least the guys seemed pretty nice to me when I visited. We'll see how nice they stay when I show up for practice.
I hate the options I have if I don't go, because I know that I will feel like I failed if I don't get this done. So it may become a question of which do I hate less, the options if I come home early, or the options if I stay down there.
I need someone to say "Hey Blair, why don't we go out to dinner once you come down here?" or "Blair, can I show you around campus?" "Wanna hang out in my dorm room?" "Wanna hit the lounge?" "Want to go to Dixon?" "Want to watch the West Wing?" "Blair, lets meet for lunch tomorrow." I need someone to hold my hand just a little bit while I do this.
I am going into a situation where everyone else is already settled in, and I have to go in to this group, the only new kid who is supposed to know what they are doing, establish myself and somehow make friends. I did it in fifth grade, and I don't remember how to do it. I just remember that pretty much everyone (all the girls) thought I was a bitch in the beginning (mostly cuz I hung out with all the guys and according to Sarah, "the guys all liked me".) For the first however long was just me, Emily Tompkins, Caitlin Bauermeister, Jenna Bjorgen, and the teacher Candace Jordan (well at least I hung out with her, no one else did really). Fifth grade worked out fine in the end, but the circumstances have changed a lot since then.
Basically, this is all really scary, I am nervous and no one has said anything (other than Dan, kinda) that has made me feel any better about going to OSU.
Other news: I hurt my knee running around Seattle Center with Dave on Wed night trying to find the right IMAX theatre. Being injured makes it impossible to work out or walk to class. Finished my IR paper late last night. Haven't been getting much sleep. I'm fat, but that isn't really news. Just have to do that fucking HORRIBLE net assignment, make up a net assignment I didn't do, do the extra credit, take a quiz, do another net assignment, do one set of reading notes, turn in my portfolio, one more IR discussion, study for the IR final, do and write my ethnography, do my anthro final, take my IR final and then I am done. Thank the lord this quarter is over.
Okay, seeing as no one will read this, this could be even longer. But I was supposed to be napping when I started this about 30 minutes ago. So I am going to get to napping. Plus, I am just getting even more discouraged about school and crew and life.
I wish it was snowing. Or that I lived in the Swiss Alps.
How nice would it be to never wake up? hmm......