I really am going to sleep now /o\
Warning: this post is nothing more than a jumble of thoughts, feelings, and contrivances that may or may not have been brought on by my trip to C'ville this past weekend. Plainly, it's going to be an utter mess, because such is the mind from which it sprung forth not quite fully-formed, and there's apparently some saying about apples and trees that tends to hold true.
May as well start from that saying, as it somehow led to Allison and her mother telling me some of their favorite Southernisms. A personal favorite of Allison's is "More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs", which I must say I rather adore. Her mom's family is all North Carolina, you see, so her grandmother is full of these things and I think they're pretty awesome.
Was there a point to that? No. But it is an example of what this past weekend was like. Somewhere along the line Allison's house became one of my favorite places in the entire world, because it's where she lives with her mother and dog and occasionally brother, sister-in-law, and adorable little niece. It's huge (not to her, but to me and Yarden? HUGE.) and roomy and full of light and high ceilings and the kind of wooden floor that I've always dreamed of. But best of all, it's somewhere I'm always welcome, a house that should by rights intimidate me and yet makes me feel as comfortable (well, nearly) as I'd be in my own home. Suffice to say I love staying there when I go down for a visit.
Lol how sappy XD I'm going to stop that, right after this brief aside where I say that they gave me a total of 5 congratulatory cards hidden in amazing places around the house for me to find. Sweetest surprise ever.
Now, as for the weekend itself - well, what can I say? I love spending time with Allison and Yarden. I just do. They, along with Najat, are probably the only people in the entire world outside of a few blood relatives that really, truly care about me. Yes, I'm sure my college friends like me just fine, but I guess they just haven't known me long enough to realize that without a bit of effort they are never going to know a single thing about me. It's not their fault, and I don't hold it against them, but my mom and I have had the 'we're very strange' conversation several times now, and basically it boils down to the fact that we will almost never try to inflict our own thoughts/emotions/problems/likes/sorrows/etc. on other people unless it's dragged out of us point blank. My high school friends have learned to confront me directly when it's clear I'm not being forthcoming about something; everyone else in my life lets me get away with saying "I'm fine" because they're more eager to tell me about their own issues. Again, it's not their fault, and I honestly do prefer it, but that's not really the stuff that true, absolute friendship is built on.
Obviously half of that (and probably even more) is my fault. If I want people to care, I should just open up more, right? Sure. But I'm much happier when I don't feel like I'm burdening someone, so as long as they put up with me and are willing to share their own lives, then that's enough for me. So I am really not trying to complain here; it's just that every time I'm back down there, I'm overcome with the knowledge that these are the people who like me so much that they won't let me hide from them, and while I don't think I could handle having that sort of relationship with everyone, it's *really* nice to surround myself with from time to time.
...hmm, that got off the rails a bit. Already I'm forgetting the things I actually wanted to write about, and am instead simply verbally meandering through this post as is my wont. I suppose there is the Southeast DC Story, but I can't say I have the burning desire to get into all of that. Lesson learned, end of.
Something I did want to get into a bit was my almost-breakdown on the bus taking me from C'ville up to DC, because it was really fucking scary. I was sort of tweeting my mental play-by-play because if I hadn't I really might have snapped. And that sucks, because I have been doing so well when it comes to my mental health lately, so for one shitty bus ride to so easily throw me back into my helpless and vaguely-suicidal mindset? Not such a great testament to the progress I thought I'd made. Yes, I know that this kind of thing is always a process, and sometimes there are setbacks, but I really had thought I'd fixed just the tiniest piece of myself. Turns out that isn't the case, and to be honest that fucking blows. I'm going to keep working on myself, but god, when shit like that happens it's hard not to view every paltry attempt at gaining a healthy mindset as being completely fucking useless.
But life goes on, and no matter how low I sink I'm still so much better than I was in sophomore year or, god forbid, the summer after 8th grade. D: And that's a thought I really can hold on to for strength when I don't have anything else left.
Ok, I think that's it for the depression portion of this entry! Onto music, specifically my Top 25 Most Played songs in iTunes (since I apparently haven't done this since 2008 o__O):
01. Art-School - Skirt
02. Art-School - Downer
03. m-flo loves BENNIE K - Taste Your Stuff
04. Klaxons - Gravity's Rainbow
05. Interpol - Obstacle 2
06. Jeeves and Wooster - Because My Baby Don't Mean Maybe Now
07. m-flo loves WHEE SUNG - I'M DA 1
08. Schumann - Chiarina
09. Clazziquai - Come to Me - mellotron remix
10. Zefron et al. - Breaking Free
11. Muse - Starlight
12. Leehom Wang - Ge Er Men
13. The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
14. Art-School - DIVA
15. The Postal Service - Brand New Colony
16. Jesse McCartney - Right Where You Want Me
17. Shoji Meguro - Heartbeat, Heartbreak
18. Coldplay - Talk
19. Interpol - The Heinrich Maneuver
20. Interpol - Public Pervert
21. The Hush Sound - Medicine Man
22. Clazziquai - After love - female version
23. Animal Collective - Fireworks
24. Murray Gold - This is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our Home
25. D - EDEN
So a few big departures from the last time I did this, and a few smaller ones. (Scary fact: when I wrote "Zefron et al." up there, it was ENTIRELY without the knowledge that that was exactly how I'd written it all those years ago. I really, truly do not change. ;_________;) Clearly I love Art-School and Interpol as much as ever, and between you and me I think "I'M DA 1" might one day dominate my entire life. But yeah, fairly accurate list. I'd probably bump a few of them down, since they're in those positions due to a time long past, but overall it's not a bad representation of my musical taste these days.
Of course, what that list neglects is the shitty shitty pop I now put on my iPod to save me from going insane when I have some stupid song or other stuck in my head. Most recent example is "E.T.", which I had on repeat for large portions of my train ride back to Boston. I actually downloaded it courtesy of Greyhound's wifi in the last 5 minutes before we pulled into Union Station, because the thought of not having it available to me until I had internet again would have sent me over the edge. Buuuuuut anyway, it is a stupid song. An incredibly stupid song. And yet, I will probably listen to it a disgusting amount over the next few days regardless. I'm not too mad, though, because it's dark dark dark and sometimes I just need that. Also, it reaffirmed my ability to turn absolutely anything into a Puzzleshippy song XD (And on that note, whenever she says "different dimension" it just makes me think of Kaiba and his stupid goddamn Different Dimension Dragon and :333 Stupid Kaiba and his stupid cards :3)
And at the end of all that, I know I only ticked off, like, three things that I actually wanted to include. The rest is just me being me. But whatever. I've been sad about my lack of posting, because although I've been online this whole time, I won't exactly be able to go back through my tweets in 3 years and lol fondly at myself, so I really want to have more entries here. I guess this is a start~
Of course, it'd be better if I hadn't done this after my godawful all-night train ride of doom, so I am hopefully going to fall asleep straight away as soon as turn off the light. How novel that would be! XD I hope it happens.
May as well start from that saying, as it somehow led to Allison and her mother telling me some of their favorite Southernisms. A personal favorite of Allison's is "More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs", which I must say I rather adore. Her mom's family is all North Carolina, you see, so her grandmother is full of these things and I think they're pretty awesome.
Was there a point to that? No. But it is an example of what this past weekend was like. Somewhere along the line Allison's house became one of my favorite places in the entire world, because it's where she lives with her mother and dog and occasionally brother, sister-in-law, and adorable little niece. It's huge (not to her, but to me and Yarden? HUGE.) and roomy and full of light and high ceilings and the kind of wooden floor that I've always dreamed of. But best of all, it's somewhere I'm always welcome, a house that should by rights intimidate me and yet makes me feel as comfortable (well, nearly) as I'd be in my own home. Suffice to say I love staying there when I go down for a visit.
Lol how sappy XD I'm going to stop that, right after this brief aside where I say that they gave me a total of 5 congratulatory cards hidden in amazing places around the house for me to find. Sweetest surprise ever.
Now, as for the weekend itself - well, what can I say? I love spending time with Allison and Yarden. I just do. They, along with Najat, are probably the only people in the entire world outside of a few blood relatives that really, truly care about me. Yes, I'm sure my college friends like me just fine, but I guess they just haven't known me long enough to realize that without a bit of effort they are never going to know a single thing about me. It's not their fault, and I don't hold it against them, but my mom and I have had the 'we're very strange' conversation several times now, and basically it boils down to the fact that we will almost never try to inflict our own thoughts/emotions/problems/likes/sorrows/etc. on other people unless it's dragged out of us point blank. My high school friends have learned to confront me directly when it's clear I'm not being forthcoming about something; everyone else in my life lets me get away with saying "I'm fine" because they're more eager to tell me about their own issues. Again, it's not their fault, and I honestly do prefer it, but that's not really the stuff that true, absolute friendship is built on.
Obviously half of that (and probably even more) is my fault. If I want people to care, I should just open up more, right? Sure. But I'm much happier when I don't feel like I'm burdening someone, so as long as they put up with me and are willing to share their own lives, then that's enough for me. So I am really not trying to complain here; it's just that every time I'm back down there, I'm overcome with the knowledge that these are the people who like me so much that they won't let me hide from them, and while I don't think I could handle having that sort of relationship with everyone, it's *really* nice to surround myself with from time to time.
...hmm, that got off the rails a bit. Already I'm forgetting the things I actually wanted to write about, and am instead simply verbally meandering through this post as is my wont. I suppose there is the Southeast DC Story, but I can't say I have the burning desire to get into all of that. Lesson learned, end of.
Something I did want to get into a bit was my almost-breakdown on the bus taking me from C'ville up to DC, because it was really fucking scary. I was sort of tweeting my mental play-by-play because if I hadn't I really might have snapped. And that sucks, because I have been doing so well when it comes to my mental health lately, so for one shitty bus ride to so easily throw me back into my helpless and vaguely-suicidal mindset? Not such a great testament to the progress I thought I'd made. Yes, I know that this kind of thing is always a process, and sometimes there are setbacks, but I really had thought I'd fixed just the tiniest piece of myself. Turns out that isn't the case, and to be honest that fucking blows. I'm going to keep working on myself, but god, when shit like that happens it's hard not to view every paltry attempt at gaining a healthy mindset as being completely fucking useless.
But life goes on, and no matter how low I sink I'm still so much better than I was in sophomore year or, god forbid, the summer after 8th grade. D: And that's a thought I really can hold on to for strength when I don't have anything else left.
Ok, I think that's it for the depression portion of this entry! Onto music, specifically my Top 25 Most Played songs in iTunes (since I apparently haven't done this since 2008 o__O):
01. Art-School - Skirt
02. Art-School - Downer
03. m-flo loves BENNIE K - Taste Your Stuff
04. Klaxons - Gravity's Rainbow
05. Interpol - Obstacle 2
06. Jeeves and Wooster - Because My Baby Don't Mean Maybe Now
07. m-flo loves WHEE SUNG - I'M DA 1
08. Schumann - Chiarina
09. Clazziquai - Come to Me - mellotron remix
10. Zefron et al. - Breaking Free
11. Muse - Starlight
12. Leehom Wang - Ge Er Men
13. The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
14. Art-School - DIVA
15. The Postal Service - Brand New Colony
16. Jesse McCartney - Right Where You Want Me
17. Shoji Meguro - Heartbeat, Heartbreak
18. Coldplay - Talk
19. Interpol - The Heinrich Maneuver
20. Interpol - Public Pervert
21. The Hush Sound - Medicine Man
22. Clazziquai - After love - female version
23. Animal Collective - Fireworks
24. Murray Gold - This is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our Home
25. D - EDEN
So a few big departures from the last time I did this, and a few smaller ones. (Scary fact: when I wrote "Zefron et al." up there, it was ENTIRELY without the knowledge that that was exactly how I'd written it all those years ago. I really, truly do not change. ;_________;) Clearly I love Art-School and Interpol as much as ever, and between you and me I think "I'M DA 1" might one day dominate my entire life. But yeah, fairly accurate list. I'd probably bump a few of them down, since they're in those positions due to a time long past, but overall it's not a bad representation of my musical taste these days.
Of course, what that list neglects is the shitty shitty pop I now put on my iPod to save me from going insane when I have some stupid song or other stuck in my head. Most recent example is "E.T.", which I had on repeat for large portions of my train ride back to Boston. I actually downloaded it courtesy of Greyhound's wifi in the last 5 minutes before we pulled into Union Station, because the thought of not having it available to me until I had internet again would have sent me over the edge. Buuuuuut anyway, it is a stupid song. An incredibly stupid song. And yet, I will probably listen to it a disgusting amount over the next few days regardless. I'm not too mad, though, because it's dark dark dark and sometimes I just need that. Also, it reaffirmed my ability to turn absolutely anything into a Puzzleshippy song XD (And on that note, whenever she says "different dimension" it just makes me think of Kaiba and his stupid goddamn Different Dimension Dragon and :333 Stupid Kaiba and his stupid cards :3)
And at the end of all that, I know I only ticked off, like, three things that I actually wanted to include. The rest is just me being me. But whatever. I've been sad about my lack of posting, because although I've been online this whole time, I won't exactly be able to go back through my tweets in 3 years and lol fondly at myself, so I really want to have more entries here. I guess this is a start~
Of course, it'd be better if I hadn't done this after my godawful all-night train ride of doom, so I am hopefully going to fall asleep straight away as soon as turn off the light. How novel that would be! XD I hope it happens.