unsatisfied
Something is happening to me... something that has prompted me to type in LiveJournal for the first time in...ages.. Maybe maturity comes at age 19.... I'll be 9teen in less than a week, and something is happening to me....
Something over the past week has moved me to start thinking, It could be a number of things that prompted me to entertain these thoughts in my head... but rather than analyze what gave rise to me realizing things.... I am going to just take my thoughts.. and my new outlook for what they are worth... and I think that is a fortune!
I feel like I am waking up from a dream that has lasted for near 19 years now... and when I look back on it... I see many things that I stood passively too... many moments in time that I didn't fully embrace, and a childhood, and a multitude of teenage years that are indefinitely gone from me, and that I will never have the chance to revisit.
I inquired to myself about my relationships... Who is my best friend? What do I consider to be a friend? Where will my friends be during my funeral? When was the last time I said I Love You, and meant it? Why do people hang out with me? How would one of my "friends" react if I was dire need of help?
The response that I fed myself was as simple as "I don't know"
When you try to think of just one person that cares for you no matter what the situation... and you don't have a definite reply... You start to reevaluate your life.
This could be my long running desire to fall in love with someone... the deepest form of love that exists, and then fall beyond that. I spoke of this with a guy at work and he responded by saying... "Gay people don't fall in love, they have sex" talk about the single most depressing thing I have ever heard in my life. But at this point, I'm not discounting it, cause I still have yet to be proven otherwise.
I have suddenly become extremely unsatisfied with everything. I used to be someone who just sat back and leered at life. And now life is leering at me... and I don't like it!
The things that used to excite me, no longer do. My priorities have changed.
So, naturally the next step is to change...
Even if that change is drastic...
Its time to live
Something over the past week has moved me to start thinking, It could be a number of things that prompted me to entertain these thoughts in my head... but rather than analyze what gave rise to me realizing things.... I am going to just take my thoughts.. and my new outlook for what they are worth... and I think that is a fortune!
I feel like I am waking up from a dream that has lasted for near 19 years now... and when I look back on it... I see many things that I stood passively too... many moments in time that I didn't fully embrace, and a childhood, and a multitude of teenage years that are indefinitely gone from me, and that I will never have the chance to revisit.
I inquired to myself about my relationships... Who is my best friend? What do I consider to be a friend? Where will my friends be during my funeral? When was the last time I said I Love You, and meant it? Why do people hang out with me? How would one of my "friends" react if I was dire need of help?
The response that I fed myself was as simple as "I don't know"
When you try to think of just one person that cares for you no matter what the situation... and you don't have a definite reply... You start to reevaluate your life.
This could be my long running desire to fall in love with someone... the deepest form of love that exists, and then fall beyond that. I spoke of this with a guy at work and he responded by saying... "Gay people don't fall in love, they have sex" talk about the single most depressing thing I have ever heard in my life. But at this point, I'm not discounting it, cause I still have yet to be proven otherwise.
I have suddenly become extremely unsatisfied with everything. I used to be someone who just sat back and leered at life. And now life is leering at me... and I don't like it!
The things that used to excite me, no longer do. My priorities have changed.
So, naturally the next step is to change...
Even if that change is drastic...
Its time to live