Something to look back to
Some thoughts have piled up over the weeks and they’re all over the place, and I don’t know how to organize them at this moment. I’ll just write, and please bear with me if you ever want to continue reading this, and find out later on that it’s all over the place too - and you may have just wasted your time reading through this.
Anyway. I warned you.
/Just click the link below to continue reading./
A few months ago, I was writing an entry about my graduation, and then all of a sudden, I’m right here trying to write an entry about something that is yet about to happen. The anticipated near future.
As some of you may know, I will be enrolling in a medicine school, and you know what that means, right? It’s trying times. I am well aware that it is extremely, extremely difficult to go through medschool. I know that. I’ve been discouraged countless of times, but what can I do? I just don’t see myself in any other field but this. However, I know that knowing the difficulty is an entirely different story from feeling it - which, I am yet about to do.
Thus, I am writing this entry just so my future self could have something positive to look back to during the times when I would be pushed to the limits, feel trashed and stomped on, possibly feel worthless and not good enough. I am just anticipating. However, this is what I want. I know it is difficult, but I’ve already made up my mind, and felt it in my heart that this is really what I want. If one day I have a change of heart, and I become a different person (May God protect me from that), I want to look back to this time, when I have the zeal, the passion to do this.
I remember one of our lecturers while I was still in Public Health. He told the class that during his medschool days, when he was at the verge of giving in, he told himself that “Hey! I have to go on. This is what I wanted, and I can get through this.”
It is not advisable to fret over something that has not yet come, but I just want to have something to look back to. I want to feel this burning passion again, if one day it packs its bag and deserts me (God forbid).
Shaima, you weighed your thoughts for months, and came to conclusion that Medicine is what you want, and you’re just about to go through it, then please, please, please… go through it. Until the end. Keep fighting. You can do it. You may not be the best in class, you may not be the best, but you can do it! By all means you can do it. God is with you. Your family is with you. Your friends are with you. Your ideals are with you.
Remember… Finishing medine is not an end for you. It is your means. A means for you to be able to do things beyond yourself. By becoming a doctor, you would have the means, the tool to be able to provide service to the people that need you. Those people that do not receive the care and attention that they should get. Please. Please. Don’t change for the worse. Become someone better than who you are now. Do not forget this time. Please, do not forget.
I do not know what is in store for me, of what I would become… but I certainly pray that I do not lose this passion, this eagerness to take a hold of goodness, and to scatter it around. I pray that I become a person who genuinely, genuinely wants to help. Even through the extremely trying times. Allahumma Aameen.
For something that has not yet come to existence, I could only pray, for it is something uncertain. Who knows… I may not even be alive to reach that extremely trying times. But just in case, I do… I want to wield courage, patience, and fortitude.
I have very, very, very big dreams. Dreams that are so beyond myself. But living in the kind of world that we have, I want to do something. Something that would make an impact. Something that would change lives. I don’t even want to be remembered. I just want to change lives and touch hearts. I just want to instigate better changes. You may have heard of this from hundreds of people before me, and you may say gasgas na yan (that's very used)… but from the bottom of my heart., this is really what I want to do. This is something that I’ve set myself to do to be of service to the Ummah that I know Allah (s.w.t.) loves so much.
You may say I’m a bit arrogant to dream such a big dream.. but I choose not to give up on it. I may be just a small person.. ordinary.. but I believe if we choose to step up, and go beyond ourselves, if we set our heart, mind and soul to it… maybe… maybe if God wills it, we just might be able to do it. We might be able to do great things. Things not comprable to the small and limited things that we are capable of doing at the moment (although we should not understimate these too ;) these small things may be great things to certain people :D).
Again, I am writing this in anticipation of the difficult times I might face in medschool. I’d like to remind myself of this. I should not give in to the pressure, the negative forces, and the toxicity of the life as a med student. I must remember that surviving this thing that I am about to enter is not an end. It is a means for something else, to continue walking forward. InshaAllah.
That is all. This entry is for myself. But some of you may be on the same boat as me, yes? :)
PS.
Remember this excitement mixed with nervousness. Remember this.