birthday II
am 8 days overdue since my last post...lolx...to think that i wanted to attempt reviving my blogging habits...guess i am seriously not into writing, but then again, as an academic-wanna-be, its the only path available for me...what an irony..
life's indeed full of ironies...was celebrating my birthday with my friends earlier last week and as i mentioned before, for someone like me, its indeed a paradox of my very existence...
i wonder if it was a joke on me...my friends, those whom i am hanging out more often this semester, are mainly, if not all Christians...this in fact is a direct mock of my initial conviction that i took when i left the church...i wonder, why do they keep appearing in my life? what's more, is that they think i don't understand their lingo when they were talking about church-related stuff..lolx...been there, done that...just keeping silent about it...
i am not someone who is easy to hang out with...my words are harsh, direct, and my personality is just flawed...irresponsible, selfish, demanding...its just a facade initially when i say yes to everything as it is also part of me to do so...emotionless, not desiring anything in particular as i find it not worth the effort at the end of the day...not trying to be philosophical here, but its my experiences and decisions that have accumulated to my very identity of today...what is life after all? i hope to find the answer too...
at the back of my mind there's always this thought that everything will go bust and i will be left with nothing - the ultimate loser in time to come...i have staked all my hopes into it, its do or die...some say that i am stupid to have placed all eggs in one basket, but i just want to feel alive...its the extremity that makes me feel in existence...everything else is just numb to me..i want to engage in an active interaction which i feel worthy to be in, something that will push me to the edge all the time and to put me straight on the records..but as it dragged, it is sapping my energy as well...what the fuck is with all these bureaucratic procedures...just give me an answer and i will promptly reply u....my answer is already fixed, regardless of the consequence....
yes, i am a quitter - this i admit.
yes, i am a bastard - my actions tell me so.
わがままってできない？だめ？
this is who i am, accept it or leave me alone!
when i first entered university i thought to myself: this is a second chance for me to start afresh, to reclaim the lost time that i had missed back in my jc days...how wrong i was...what a misconception i had...one's past will continue to haunt u wherever u are...the stigma's gonna stay...for good....though i hope to prove it wrong with this next venture...after all, i do yearn for a change...i think, i just want to start afresh...not about who's not giving who a second chance...but more of the issue that certain things have happened....they are now facts and so history is here to stay...i wanna change...that's what i mean by a double life....
disillusioned i may be, i just want to be myself at the end of it all...the last thing is to lose oneself, to be lost in all this meaningless pursuit...
前へ進め！希望へ、未来へ、自分へ。。。なくしないように。。。
life's indeed full of ironies...was celebrating my birthday with my friends earlier last week and as i mentioned before, for someone like me, its indeed a paradox of my very existence...
i wonder if it was a joke on me...my friends, those whom i am hanging out more often this semester, are mainly, if not all Christians...this in fact is a direct mock of my initial conviction that i took when i left the church...i wonder, why do they keep appearing in my life? what's more, is that they think i don't understand their lingo when they were talking about church-related stuff..lolx...been there, done that...just keeping silent about it...
i am not someone who is easy to hang out with...my words are harsh, direct, and my personality is just flawed...irresponsible, selfish, demanding...its just a facade initially when i say yes to everything as it is also part of me to do so...emotionless, not desiring anything in particular as i find it not worth the effort at the end of the day...not trying to be philosophical here, but its my experiences and decisions that have accumulated to my very identity of today...what is life after all? i hope to find the answer too...
at the back of my mind there's always this thought that everything will go bust and i will be left with nothing - the ultimate loser in time to come...i have staked all my hopes into it, its do or die...some say that i am stupid to have placed all eggs in one basket, but i just want to feel alive...its the extremity that makes me feel in existence...everything else is just numb to me..i want to engage in an active interaction which i feel worthy to be in, something that will push me to the edge all the time and to put me straight on the records..but as it dragged, it is sapping my energy as well...what the fuck is with all these bureaucratic procedures...just give me an answer and i will promptly reply u....my answer is already fixed, regardless of the consequence....
yes, i am a quitter - this i admit.
yes, i am a bastard - my actions tell me so.
わがままってできない？だめ？
this is who i am, accept it or leave me alone!
when i first entered university i thought to myself: this is a second chance for me to start afresh, to reclaim the lost time that i had missed back in my jc days...how wrong i was...what a misconception i had...one's past will continue to haunt u wherever u are...the stigma's gonna stay...for good....though i hope to prove it wrong with this next venture...after all, i do yearn for a change...i think, i just want to start afresh...not about who's not giving who a second chance...but more of the issue that certain things have happened....they are now facts and so history is here to stay...i wanna change...that's what i mean by a double life....
disillusioned i may be, i just want to be myself at the end of it all...the last thing is to lose oneself, to be lost in all this meaningless pursuit...
前へ進め！希望へ、未来へ、自分へ。。。なくしないように。。。