なんかつかれたわ。
i am kind of glad that i could continue meeting him, though nothing seemed to have changed (at least from my perspective), we are still hanging out for dinner and staying overnight at my place...but i have to admit that at times, i yearned for more. at the back of my mind, i guess i wanted more out of this relationship…
but he is slow in his replies which he attributed to that of his だらしない性格、自分がいつもダメな人間といいつつ、こっちは結構しっかりしてますと思いますけど。i have to say that i dont think highly of this part of him since his replies can be as late as more than 24 hours. though he did reply eventually, the fact that he could be looking at other people's profiles on the app and leave my message read without a reply does say something. yup, i think he does not think as much of me as i do of him. haha, that is why i am feeling quite confused as of how i should carry on. should i just confess and come clean, or do i cut off all relations to protect myself, or just remain status quo?
what protection is there for myself? i guess it is to prevent me from falling head over heels again over an unrequited emotion. yet as of now, his reactions were not as damaging as i had previously experienced. though i know it is close to, or just simply, impossible for us to be together, i really hope for his best-and this is the main difference between this time and the previous. and maybe that is why i am feeling quite torn and confused. could i accept that we remain as friends, as fwb? that is the main problem i am facing: why am i wanting more out of this relationship?!
i have to admit once again, that it was lust that dictated my emotions. his style, his demeanor, his voice totally had me captivated and lost in my feelings of desiring him. yet i think i failed to satisfy him...can i just add that his moans are just so unbearably cute...haha...i am getting aroused just thinking about it...lol. that is why i am so attracted to him. come to think of it, he reminds me of that earlier todai graduate who too shared some similarities, though the latter showed a even less degree of interest in him so it was not that difficult to cut off all ties with him (though i recently discovered that after removing him from my ig followers list, he viewed one of my ig stories...haha...guess he was just confirming his thoughts and wondering what is going on...lol)
i wonder how i should carry on from here. i ask myself if i am satisfied meeting him once every fortnight. and my truthful reply is that i want to be with him every night. that is how strong my desire of him is right now. だけどただしかたがないっていう理由で、今までずっと自分の本音をごまかして生き続けてきましたから、今回も同じくそうしようと思ったら、なんか不意にツラくて、切なく感じてます 。だからこそ混乱してます。
but i do believe that as time pass, such feelings will fade. especially so once i leave japan, i do believe that i might feel regret and sadness but it is something that i can get over with. life moves on. it is just that as i am trying to come to terms with this once more, i am feeling even more tired than ever. i am feeling even more resigned than before.
well, i have made up my mind. i shall just initiate meeting him as a friend would. i would try something more than meeting for a meal, something different from our usual meeting so that i can confirm what his feelings are. if he is simply not interested in anything more than just friends, then until i feel being disrespected or being taken for granted, i guess i can accept our relationship as fwb, to continue this relationship and move on...