coming to terms (part 2)
this is the second consecutive weekend we met and yup, as usual it ends up in sex...but this time i think it might be the last. i know his hidden intentions in meeting me, though as much as he tried to mask it with words or other distracting actions, certain things are just too obvious to the heart...but i have to say, i have very much come to terms with our relationship. well maybe not a hundred percent in overcoming that lingering attachment i have, but there is a much improved response from me. my heart did not flutter as much as i thought i would when i saw his message. i was much calmer than i think i would be when i met him. yup, things seem to be settling down for me now.
well, he might be shocked, disgusted with my very being, as i think he is the only person who have literally seen me naked as well as the darkest secrets i keep. but i continue to live a lie, yup, i have deliberately created an image of a sexually promiscuous pervert-maybe to compensate what i hoped to be, and also maybe to relieve him of any guilty feelings (not that it mattered to him as he is not the kind of person to be bogged down with other people's emotional state) of fucking me. by inflating an image that paralleled or even surpassed his sexual practices is just a way of me trying to show that i am not dragged down by him-even though i cannot deny his impact these years but my proud ego is not allowing me to admit it. haha.
but what really made me hardened my heart to fuck care about this episode is the way he sees me. "i don't want to give you the wrong expectations. ... we have been seeing each other too often..." what the fuck. you can initiate meeting me as and when you like but i cannot do the same? so i am inferior to you and hence you can just simply order me around, while i cannot ask to meet you when i feel like it? ok. fine. since this is how you see me, there is no need for me to think that you are a friend. as much as i want to see you as a friend, thank you for making it clear to me that you do not see me in the same way as i do, not even in the possibility of having me as a friend.
you are just a fuck buddy-that is all. let's just meet for sex and nothing else.
yes, i admit that i am an untermensch. it is this self-inferiority complex that will forever be stuck with me and that very much define who i am.
完全に人間失格だ。
i have come to terms with the fact that i will be alone, for good, forever. yup, and this is the emotional state i wish to maintain for the rest of my years here. this is the nirvana i hope to achieve...lol. expressing my emotions in writing-an activity most suitable for a loner like me-has indeed lighten a small part of the burden weighing down somewhere in the deepest corner of my hear. yup, maybe this is the kind of inner peace suitable for an inhuman like me.