眠れない夜。。。
なんか、深そうなタイトル書いてるけど、実は読むままの意味だけだ。昼にちょっと寝ましたから、朝３時頃もう起きました。そして、いろいろなことを考えて、気持ちが落ち込んで、なんとかもう一度目を閉じ込めていました。その後、現実みたいな夢を見ました。すごくいやな予感だ。。。
this is one of the few times i still remembered my dream and thus prompted me to wake up exceptionally early on a sunday morning to write this...seriously i would not even bother to do so if not for the fact that i could still narrate the sequence of what i saw in my dream...*shivers*
it aint that scary to begin with but it does send a strong message that i would only relate to...the following may sound mundane or even lame or even 大げさっぽい..but to me it was kinda 思い出さない思い...
it was a typical classroom setting where the kids were simply incorrigible...yes, not plain mischief but simply destrutive to the max...i simply lost the control of the class and had to resort to calling the vice-principal to intervene on several occassions...not just a lost of face and also 自尊与尊?...
i couldnt remember all the details but certain scenes where verbal threats and physical punishments were resorted to in order to rein in control of the classroom were clearly a violation against regulations and personal convictions...yes, i never believed in, in fact despised, the rule of fear but otherwise, it works in reality...i need to be more practical, to be more realistic...
teacher = person in authority = model
in that small confined area defined as the classroom, the one person that is able to exert power over the rest is supposedly the teacher...though one may argue that the current trend is eroding that power relation..it is beyond doubt that it is this very characteristic that define the realities within...we have to always bear in mind the roles of the teacher and students in that setting in order to make it functional...
not just simply as a person in charge of the students, the teacher is also a model in various aspects that is under the scrutiny of several pairs of eyes...exactly, this dual identity dawned on by the only person standing and moving around in class freely is also the very the acheilles' heel that would spell the downfall of authority...which has happened in various occassions and will continue to persist in the future to come...
i wonder what makes me sign on the line in the very first place if i had taken all these into account...being fine with teaching alone is not a convincing enough reason to have brought me to where i am going to be in the future...seriously...i always thought that because my family needs the financial leverage and hence i decide to just commit myself into supporting my own living costs...however, はっきり冷静に考えたら、飛び込んでいないかもしれない。。。
whatever the case is its a bit too late to reconsider...shant just shift the blame to the system (though i am already considering in applying the rhetoric against the system....but i guess i should bear the full responsibility this time...) さあ、どうすればいい？
as mentioned earlier, i had though about a lot of things while i was unable to sleep earlier....yes it is the same old theme of friends...
*sigh* not going into details as it is the same old stuff repeating itself again...
but i guess i am still in a state of self-denial where i simply refuse to acknowldege the fact that i really need comaradery in order to move on...人間って、そういう強くないでしょう？ however, i shall move on...yes, MOVE ON and stop brooding over the failed unhappy experiences that have caused me all these emotional roller-coaster rides...
someone commented that they cannot imagine my potential 'other-half'...cause the forms that they are thinking about are just not compaitible with me...haha...whatever that means i am born to be single?? haha...nah...i still longed for companionship but i guess it will continue to be an unattainable feat for me...as contradictory as it may sound compared to my earlier paragraph....but its reflective of my confused feelings...its not that easy to reason emotions..haha...oxymoron...i just realised my previous attempts were bound to fail for it is just impossible to introduce reasoning into matters of the heart..haha...whatever the case is, 一人にさせなさい！
i never thought that i would feel this way again but this is usually the case when i have opened up slightly to someone whom i thought could be trusted but in the end felt betrayed when it wasnt received well...haha...blame it on my poor eyesight then...but i guess i shall give it a closing note and say that i shant try EVER AGAIN...そう。もう二度としないから、止めましょう！
FUCK
本当に東京に帰りたいもん、ここは自分の家ではないから。。。
this is one of the few times i still remembered my dream and thus prompted me to wake up exceptionally early on a sunday morning to write this...seriously i would not even bother to do so if not for the fact that i could still narrate the sequence of what i saw in my dream...*shivers*
it aint that scary to begin with but it does send a strong message that i would only relate to...the following may sound mundane or even lame or even 大げさっぽい..but to me it was kinda 思い出さない思い...
it was a typical classroom setting where the kids were simply incorrigible...yes, not plain mischief but simply destrutive to the max...i simply lost the control of the class and had to resort to calling the vice-principal to intervene on several occassions...not just a lost of face and also 自尊与尊?...
i couldnt remember all the details but certain scenes where verbal threats and physical punishments were resorted to in order to rein in control of the classroom were clearly a violation against regulations and personal convictions...yes, i never believed in, in fact despised, the rule of fear but otherwise, it works in reality...i need to be more practical, to be more realistic...
teacher = person in authority = model
in that small confined area defined as the classroom, the one person that is able to exert power over the rest is supposedly the teacher...though one may argue that the current trend is eroding that power relation..it is beyond doubt that it is this very characteristic that define the realities within...we have to always bear in mind the roles of the teacher and students in that setting in order to make it functional...
not just simply as a person in charge of the students, the teacher is also a model in various aspects that is under the scrutiny of several pairs of eyes...exactly, this dual identity dawned on by the only person standing and moving around in class freely is also the very the acheilles' heel that would spell the downfall of authority...which has happened in various occassions and will continue to persist in the future to come...
i wonder what makes me sign on the line in the very first place if i had taken all these into account...being fine with teaching alone is not a convincing enough reason to have brought me to where i am going to be in the future...seriously...i always thought that because my family needs the financial leverage and hence i decide to just commit myself into supporting my own living costs...however, はっきり冷静に考えたら、飛び込んでいないかもしれない。。。
whatever the case is its a bit too late to reconsider...shant just shift the blame to the system (though i am already considering in applying the rhetoric against the system....but i guess i should bear the full responsibility this time...) さあ、どうすればいい？
as mentioned earlier, i had though about a lot of things while i was unable to sleep earlier....yes it is the same old theme of friends...
*sigh* not going into details as it is the same old stuff repeating itself again...
but i guess i am still in a state of self-denial where i simply refuse to acknowldege the fact that i really need comaradery in order to move on...人間って、そういう強くないでしょう？ however, i shall move on...yes, MOVE ON and stop brooding over the failed unhappy experiences that have caused me all these emotional roller-coaster rides...
someone commented that they cannot imagine my potential 'other-half'...cause the forms that they are thinking about are just not compaitible with me...haha...whatever that means i am born to be single?? haha...nah...i still longed for companionship but i guess it will continue to be an unattainable feat for me...as contradictory as it may sound compared to my earlier paragraph....but its reflective of my confused feelings...its not that easy to reason emotions..haha...oxymoron...i just realised my previous attempts were bound to fail for it is just impossible to introduce reasoning into matters of the heart..haha...whatever the case is, 一人にさせなさい！
i never thought that i would feel this way again but this is usually the case when i have opened up slightly to someone whom i thought could be trusted but in the end felt betrayed when it wasnt received well...haha...blame it on my poor eyesight then...but i guess i shall give it a closing note and say that i shant try EVER AGAIN...そう。もう二度としないから、止めましょう！
FUCK
本当に東京に帰りたいもん、ここは自分の家ではないから。。。