Bleh...
I don't feel happy anymore. I mean genuine happiness, I get bursts of being happy but they don't last. I look at everything I do and I think I should be happy because I'm doing things that I enjoy to do and I have Wes, but I just want to sleep for a long time, and have it be the summer again. I guess happiness really does come from the inside...I mean I'm playing Field Hockey which I love so much and sometimes I get really happy at practices but other times we're doing the same thing and I just don't want to do it. That didn't quite make sense and didn't come out the way I wanted it to but oh well. I wish we had started writing articles in journalism, I need more writing time. That's another thing...do you ever know what you want to be when you get older? For one thing you're always getting older...and I was positive for so many years that I wanted to be a writer, but I'm not good at it, so then I started to think what if 1. I can't make it writing what else am I going to do? and 2. Do I really want to spend my whole life writing? #2 doesn't make much sense because I get all excited when I have time to write in this or my diary so it's definitely something i find worthwhile. I feel so lost and confused, but how many people ever really find themselves? I feel like everyone is looking for something and no one ever finds it, but you can see someone else's but not your own. I never told anyone this until last night I told my mom but the one day I was riding to my dad's house with my step mom, Diana, and the bomb has just been found in our school...and we were talking about it. Basically it came down to how they got worried for a bit because the coincidences between Wes and the boy described in the article...he was described as 14 years old and lives in Myersville....wow I wonder how many 14 year old guys live in Myersville, and I kept saying Wes wouldn't do that and she was like "I know, I know, we didn't think he did, but for a second it was like 'whoa'." FUCK YOU! I don't care if they don't like Wes, I don't like them. AHHHHHHHHHHH I just want to scream my lungs out. I never want to go back to my dad's house. I hate it there, I get so depressed and just light candles and think about what it would feel like to just burn all over, or I stare at my small pocket knife and wonder at how it would feel to just bleed. I never want to go back...I want mom to just save me from there. It's gotten to the point where I actually sit there and wonder if I could call my mom and have her come pick me up. They don't even talk to me. They wouldn't even notice I'm gone. I can't talk to my dad about anything he always sits there and tunes me out and watches television, and now Diana is getting to be the same. Maybe she just has a lot on her mind at the moment...I don't know but I was trying to talk to her about something really important and she interrupts me to ask which table I liked better (they dragged me along furniture shopping) and then another day I was trying to talk to her about something and she asked me if I liked the new car. FUCK YOU! They're material objects they don't fucking matter. I really just want to tell them I'm suicidal they probably wouldn't even hear me and if they did wouldn't think a thing about it. I'm not saying they don't care about me, I know they do they just don't care about things that I care about and they have a fucked idea of "quality time" aka watching television together over a shitty dinner. I wonder how much different my life would be if my parents hadn't gotten a divorce, I most likely would be so unhappy right now, my mom would be miserable, and I wouldn't have Wes. I know I'm only 16 and stuff but part of me really wants to stay with Wes for the rest of my life. I actually get happy when I'm with him, and if not happy at least content. Oh yes, and before I forget, I'm not pms'ing mood swings are also a sign of depression for me not just changes in hormone levels. I want a week off of Field Hockey and school, maybe even just a whole week with Wes would be nice. I really do love him and I hate when he leaves I don't know how to describe what I feel when he does but I don't like that feeling at all though it does make the feeling when I see him again so much better. Bleh, I think I'm going to go get a shower and work on my home-work I have neglected over the last few days, that's going to be fun, not. <3MW