tradition, negotiation
Eleven days more to my due date! Place your bets - will The Bun be early, on time, or late?
At my last doctor's appointment last week the ultrasound showed that The Bun is not engaged yet, meaning the head has not dropped into my pelvis, ready for birth. In fact, we managed to get a fairly clear glimpse of The Bun's face - it seems that we should be able to expect a high forehead and plump cheeks (so my mother claims). She was the one who accompanied me to the doctor, since J was at an important meeting, and it was the first time she saw how an ultrasound is done. Things are definitely done differently these days compared to when she was expecting me, three decades ago. Antenatal classes, detailed ultrasound scans, and a lot more information is now available to women. She's going to be helping me out when The Bun arrives, and there's certainly going to be a fair bit of adjustment on both our ends as we re-negotiate our relationship and figure out the best way we can both work together and get along. I've never been the sort who takes kindly to being ordered around, even if I know it's in my best interests; I'm also skeptical of so-called 'traditional beliefs' which are common even amongst contemporary Chinese women today.
For instance, there's the practice of confinement, basically a 28-day house arrest in which mother and baby do not leave the house unless it's for medical reasons. The idea being that the mother needs rest and time alone for recuperation, and that the baby is not exposed to random germs and bugs while it's still vulnerable. At the end of the confinement a full-month party is held, supposedly to celebrate the fact that the kid survived the first month of life, and relatives and friends flood in for food, chatter, and to share germs while holding the baby and passing it around. At its very root, the whole concept of confinement has some logical sense: mothers will definitely need to rest and recoup and get to know their baby and settle into some sort of routine, away from the noise and hubbub of the outside world. But there are also some confinement beliefs that make very little sense, especially in the modern medicalised world today, such as:
~ no bathing or washing of hair
Supposedly, back in the wintry and harsh lands of rural China, taking a bath with unsterilised water drawn from the river or well could be dangerous. But I absolutely refuse to subscribe to this. It's too hot and humid in Singapore to even think of not showering for A MONTH. Not to mention unhygienic - ironic, eh?
~ no exposure to cold air
Uh, we are in the tropics, not China. Sweat + not showering = extreme unpleasantness. The hardcore traditionalists even forbid having a fan blowing at you. Basically, anything to do with the cold, or cold air, will give you arthritis and rheumatism and all sort of nasty things in your old age.
~ no contact with water
Unsanitary river or well water, maybe, but in Singapore the hardcore do insist on this, even though our tap water is potable and safe. Then how do you wash after going to the bathroom?! How do you keep the baby clean?
~ no drinking of regular water, but a brewed concoction of longans and red dates instead
The drink is meant to improve blood circulation and boost iron and 'warmth', cure all diseases, promote world peace etc etc. Incidentally, I hate drinking that longan-red date stuff, but I will make a concession to my mother and just drink it - watering it down a little first.
There's all sorts of other beliefs too, plus a special confinement menu (pork trotters in vinegar sauce, sesame chicken, various soups and such) to promote recovery and to help strengthen the new mother's health. The food part should be fairly interesting, if only because I am always interested in food, but I can't imagine following any of the other confinement practices, primarily because they sound so unhygienic and ridiculous in a climate and culture like Singapore. My mother and J's mother did follow these practices in their time, because that was what their own mothers and grandmothers did. Knowledge does change, though, and I doubt I will enforce any of these traditions upon my children. But I do know of contemporary women my age who are keeping these practices alive. I guess dry shampoo was invented for a reason, ugh.
My mother knows about my resistance towards these beliefs, and on my end, I'm trying to take on a more positive and accommodating stance towards all this. There's no point adding more tension and conflict to a chaotic household after the arrival of a new baby. I think the house arrest bit is not too bad - I will need the rest and time away to regroup and to embark on a new (and very steep) learning curve with The Bun's arrival. There will still be visits to the doctors and such, so it's not as awful as it sounds. The hygiene bit I feel very strongly about - no compromises there. I've also hired a confinement nanny to help me transition through the first month. She'll do all the cooking and cleaning and help me care for The Bun as I adjust to a new household routine, but she's only going to stay for a month, and after that I'm mostly on my own, with some help from time to time from my mother.
Although everyone's waiting for The Bun to arrive, the real drama is what happens after!
At my last doctor's appointment last week the ultrasound showed that The Bun is not engaged yet, meaning the head has not dropped into my pelvis, ready for birth. In fact, we managed to get a fairly clear glimpse of The Bun's face - it seems that we should be able to expect a high forehead and plump cheeks (so my mother claims). She was the one who accompanied me to the doctor, since J was at an important meeting, and it was the first time she saw how an ultrasound is done. Things are definitely done differently these days compared to when she was expecting me, three decades ago. Antenatal classes, detailed ultrasound scans, and a lot more information is now available to women. She's going to be helping me out when The Bun arrives, and there's certainly going to be a fair bit of adjustment on both our ends as we re-negotiate our relationship and figure out the best way we can both work together and get along. I've never been the sort who takes kindly to being ordered around, even if I know it's in my best interests; I'm also skeptical of so-called 'traditional beliefs' which are common even amongst contemporary Chinese women today.
For instance, there's the practice of confinement, basically a 28-day house arrest in which mother and baby do not leave the house unless it's for medical reasons. The idea being that the mother needs rest and time alone for recuperation, and that the baby is not exposed to random germs and bugs while it's still vulnerable. At the end of the confinement a full-month party is held, supposedly to celebrate the fact that the kid survived the first month of life, and relatives and friends flood in for food, chatter, and to share germs while holding the baby and passing it around. At its very root, the whole concept of confinement has some logical sense: mothers will definitely need to rest and recoup and get to know their baby and settle into some sort of routine, away from the noise and hubbub of the outside world. But there are also some confinement beliefs that make very little sense, especially in the modern medicalised world today, such as:
~ no bathing or washing of hair
Supposedly, back in the wintry and harsh lands of rural China, taking a bath with unsterilised water drawn from the river or well could be dangerous. But I absolutely refuse to subscribe to this. It's too hot and humid in Singapore to even think of not showering for A MONTH. Not to mention unhygienic - ironic, eh?
~ no exposure to cold air
Uh, we are in the tropics, not China. Sweat + not showering = extreme unpleasantness. The hardcore traditionalists even forbid having a fan blowing at you. Basically, anything to do with the cold, or cold air, will give you arthritis and rheumatism and all sort of nasty things in your old age.
~ no contact with water
Unsanitary river or well water, maybe, but in Singapore the hardcore do insist on this, even though our tap water is potable and safe. Then how do you wash after going to the bathroom?! How do you keep the baby clean?
~ no drinking of regular water, but a brewed concoction of longans and red dates instead
The drink is meant to improve blood circulation and boost iron and 'warmth', cure all diseases, promote world peace etc etc. Incidentally, I hate drinking that longan-red date stuff, but I will make a concession to my mother and just drink it - watering it down a little first.
There's all sorts of other beliefs too, plus a special confinement menu (pork trotters in vinegar sauce, sesame chicken, various soups and such) to promote recovery and to help strengthen the new mother's health. The food part should be fairly interesting, if only because I am always interested in food, but I can't imagine following any of the other confinement practices, primarily because they sound so unhygienic and ridiculous in a climate and culture like Singapore. My mother and J's mother did follow these practices in their time, because that was what their own mothers and grandmothers did. Knowledge does change, though, and I doubt I will enforce any of these traditions upon my children. But I do know of contemporary women my age who are keeping these practices alive. I guess dry shampoo was invented for a reason, ugh.
My mother knows about my resistance towards these beliefs, and on my end, I'm trying to take on a more positive and accommodating stance towards all this. There's no point adding more tension and conflict to a chaotic household after the arrival of a new baby. I think the house arrest bit is not too bad - I will need the rest and time away to regroup and to embark on a new (and very steep) learning curve with The Bun's arrival. There will still be visits to the doctors and such, so it's not as awful as it sounds. The hygiene bit I feel very strongly about - no compromises there. I've also hired a confinement nanny to help me transition through the first month. She'll do all the cooking and cleaning and help me care for The Bun as I adjust to a new household routine, but she's only going to stay for a month, and after that I'm mostly on my own, with some help from time to time from my mother.
Although everyone's waiting for The Bun to arrive, the real drama is what happens after!