Vagina dialogues
I have a project proposal for anyone who is interested. But first it will require some explanation.
Round about this time of year each and every year now we start seeing the posters going up for our local rehashing of The Vagina Monologues. By and large I have nothing against the Vagina Monologues. I really don't. There is one monologue, however, that does rub me the wrong way. Do you know the one? It's the one where the preteen girl is shown the beauty and joy of sexuality by a 30+ woman. The VM's think of this as empowering - I think of it as rape. And therein lies the heart of my issue.
The problem is the "monologue" part of it. Gender is a universal issue. And it needs to be looked at from all sides. Example:
I will, in all likelihood, never be raped in my lifetime. Many, if not most, women will. Just take a minute and think about that. Think about not only the fact that half of the people in this country have to live their entire life with the knowledge that they are on some level under attack, but also think about the fact that that means just from pure statistics that you probably know a rapist. Realistically one of your male friends is a rapist. The world is not full of rape victims and devoid of rapists. Whoever you are, you've had a beer and a laugh with a rapist.
But how can that be? Not that many guys are wearing ski masks and hiding behind park benches. Nor are there all that many women wearing rubber mini-skirts and passing out at frat parties (not that it is EVER their fault). The point is that there's a whole lot of raping going on that isn't happening in that distant/easily explainable way that we think it is. It's complicated.
Most gender issues are. We all know that a woman with a college degree makes something like eighty-two cents for every dollar an equally educated man makes. But do we know that over 90% of all art history degrees go to women and almost 90% of all engineering degrees go to men? Do those numbers account for that sort of thing?
When was the last time a man drowned one by one each of his children in the bathtub? When was the last time a woman went apeshit and shot her whole family in a drunken rage? These things don't happen. Why not?
I don't really have the answers. I mean I remember my ex-sister-in-law was told by her bosses that if she couldn't keep from being a bitch every month during her period she wouldn't get the promotion she desired. At the time I thought that was a horrible, sexist thing to say. They'd never say something like that to a man (obviously). But then I was around the bitch once during her period and I swear to god if I'd had a gun I'd have shot her and not felt an ounce of guilt. In the real world people just don't get a week every month where they get to treat people like shit and cry a lot. But that isn't something you'll hear a lot about during the Vagina Monologues. Yet I can show anyone who cares to see the written record of every email ever sent between me and my ex-wife (at least early in the relationship). For about three weeks they all have titles like "Miss you the MOST!!" and "Just thinking about you." Then one comes with a title like "Feeling crampy, can we stay in tonight?" and I guarantee within two days of that email there will be a run of titles like "Fuck you Mr. Know-it-All", "Shittiest Day EVER!!!" and "I want my name off the lease." Within another few days there is the standard "I'm sorry" and the cycle begins anew. You think I'm kidding but I really do have them and it really does happen every twenty-eight days like clockwork. Yet somehow after fifteen years of this happening to her it was a complete fucking surprise every month.
Then again, she never did punch me in the mouth because I didn't have her dinner on the table when she got home from work. There's a lot to be said for that.
The bottom line is that I can sit around with my male friends and bitch about women for days and never get bored. Some of it is deadly serious and some of it is really funny. I'm guessing that women can do the same thing. I want to put those stories together. I want to put something together that is both hilariously funny and genuinely disturbing. I want to really look at this thing.
Because there is nothing wrong with the Vagina Monologues. A few hours of women talking about how they love their pussy is good for everyone. But it isn't the whole picture. It isn't even half of it. Because growing a mullet isn't empowering it is just fucking ugly and if I want to like Pomeranians I don't want Howie Long pulling up in some big truck telling me I'm a "good man" if I buy a Rottweiler. Because Condoleeza Rice isn't a "strong woman" she's just a fucking bitch. Because Karl Rove might not be such a fucking bitch if he didn't feel condemned by society for being gay. Because there is something bigger, funnier, weirder, and uglier going on here than we are all letting on. And because I can't do it by myself.
I want submissions. I want storylines. I want little bits that you would want to see. Because I'm going to start on this thing and I'm going to put it together and I'm going to make sure it gets performed at a theater somewhere. That is my goal. But I need you. So who's in?
Round about this time of year each and every year now we start seeing the posters going up for our local rehashing of The Vagina Monologues. By and large I have nothing against the Vagina Monologues. I really don't. There is one monologue, however, that does rub me the wrong way. Do you know the one? It's the one where the preteen girl is shown the beauty and joy of sexuality by a 30+ woman. The VM's think of this as empowering - I think of it as rape. And therein lies the heart of my issue.
The problem is the "monologue" part of it. Gender is a universal issue. And it needs to be looked at from all sides. Example:
I will, in all likelihood, never be raped in my lifetime. Many, if not most, women will. Just take a minute and think about that. Think about not only the fact that half of the people in this country have to live their entire life with the knowledge that they are on some level under attack, but also think about the fact that that means just from pure statistics that you probably know a rapist. Realistically one of your male friends is a rapist. The world is not full of rape victims and devoid of rapists. Whoever you are, you've had a beer and a laugh with a rapist.
But how can that be? Not that many guys are wearing ski masks and hiding behind park benches. Nor are there all that many women wearing rubber mini-skirts and passing out at frat parties (not that it is EVER their fault). The point is that there's a whole lot of raping going on that isn't happening in that distant/easily explainable way that we think it is. It's complicated.
Most gender issues are. We all know that a woman with a college degree makes something like eighty-two cents for every dollar an equally educated man makes. But do we know that over 90% of all art history degrees go to women and almost 90% of all engineering degrees go to men? Do those numbers account for that sort of thing?
When was the last time a man drowned one by one each of his children in the bathtub? When was the last time a woman went apeshit and shot her whole family in a drunken rage? These things don't happen. Why not?
I don't really have the answers. I mean I remember my ex-sister-in-law was told by her bosses that if she couldn't keep from being a bitch every month during her period she wouldn't get the promotion she desired. At the time I thought that was a horrible, sexist thing to say. They'd never say something like that to a man (obviously). But then I was around the bitch once during her period and I swear to god if I'd had a gun I'd have shot her and not felt an ounce of guilt. In the real world people just don't get a week every month where they get to treat people like shit and cry a lot. But that isn't something you'll hear a lot about during the Vagina Monologues. Yet I can show anyone who cares to see the written record of every email ever sent between me and my ex-wife (at least early in the relationship). For about three weeks they all have titles like "Miss you the MOST!!" and "Just thinking about you." Then one comes with a title like "Feeling crampy, can we stay in tonight?" and I guarantee within two days of that email there will be a run of titles like "Fuck you Mr. Know-it-All", "Shittiest Day EVER!!!" and "I want my name off the lease." Within another few days there is the standard "I'm sorry" and the cycle begins anew. You think I'm kidding but I really do have them and it really does happen every twenty-eight days like clockwork. Yet somehow after fifteen years of this happening to her it was a complete fucking surprise every month.
Then again, she never did punch me in the mouth because I didn't have her dinner on the table when she got home from work. There's a lot to be said for that.
The bottom line is that I can sit around with my male friends and bitch about women for days and never get bored. Some of it is deadly serious and some of it is really funny. I'm guessing that women can do the same thing. I want to put those stories together. I want to put something together that is both hilariously funny and genuinely disturbing. I want to really look at this thing.
Because there is nothing wrong with the Vagina Monologues. A few hours of women talking about how they love their pussy is good for everyone. But it isn't the whole picture. It isn't even half of it. Because growing a mullet isn't empowering it is just fucking ugly and if I want to like Pomeranians I don't want Howie Long pulling up in some big truck telling me I'm a "good man" if I buy a Rottweiler. Because Condoleeza Rice isn't a "strong woman" she's just a fucking bitch. Because Karl Rove might not be such a fucking bitch if he didn't feel condemned by society for being gay. Because there is something bigger, funnier, weirder, and uglier going on here than we are all letting on. And because I can't do it by myself.
I want submissions. I want storylines. I want little bits that you would want to see. Because I'm going to start on this thing and I'm going to put it together and I'm going to make sure it gets performed at a theater somewhere. That is my goal. But I need you. So who's in?