And You Feel Yourself Suffocating
Title: And You Feel Yourself Suffocating
Length: One-Shot
Fandom: SS501
Pairing: None, JungMin-centric
Genre: Angst
Summary: Maybe he wasn't as happy as he seemed...
It was all a matter of perspective.
JungMin was known for being the eternally spastic and sunny member of SS501, the one that was always happy, the one that always had something positive to say about the situation. Nothing seemed to get him down, and while the other members more often than not seemed to want nothing more than to shove him in a closet and leave him there, he knew they appreciated his optimism when they were having a bad day.
But things weren't always that way. He wasn't always needed to be the distraction from their pain...and it was then when he felt it the hardest.
The feeling of being part of something, of being part of a family, of being needed...
Where was it?
When YoungSaeng and KyuJong wandered off to play at the piano, when HyungJoon and HyunJoong went into the kitchen to argue about what to have for dinner, JungMin would blink and close his mouth, the sentence that had only been half formed hanging in the air around him, unheard. The half that never made it past his lips sank into his chest, dead weight.
They wondered where his need to be see and heard came from. The need to...be noticed, no matter the situation.
But they never asked.
It was to ward off this feeling, this...idea that he hated so much, that he wasn't as important as he liked to think he was. That he wasn't as needed.
That he wasn't as wanted.
Sometimes the words would form on his lips, the question that maybe they didn't want him there. He never voiced it, because he already knew what the response would be.
For gods sake, get off your high horse, do you need to have the spotlight on you ALL the time?
And he didn't, not really. He was perfectly content to stop talking once in a while and let the other members shine, because they deserved it too. He wasn't jealous when YoungSaeng went to KyuJong instead of him, he wasn't upset when HyunJoong wrestled with Baby instead of him.
Only when they thoroughly ignored him in the process.
But this he never voiced, because they didn't ignore him all the time. He was practically impossible to ignore for so long. Even so, he couldn't help the feeling that they only saw him when they needed something...when they needed compliments and teasing words, because JungMin was nothing if he wasn't a good distraction. He was a nuisance the rest of the time.
A question hung in the air, JungMin waiting for its answer, only to feel a sharp pain in his chest when the subject was changed suddenly, no one seeming to have heard him even though he had been loud enough.
He knew they didn't do it on purpose. But he also knew they didn't see what they did sometimes either.
Most of the time, he was fine. He was wanted, he was needed, he belonged in this group that he had come to love as his own family. He would do anything for them, and he knew they would do anything for him.
But then sometimes, every once in a while, there was something wrong. A lack of conversation, forced conversation, ignored questions and words and feelings as they continued on with their lives and he was left behind, watching their backs as they walked away.
There was no clear name for this weight in his chest, no reason for it. YoungSaeng couldn't sit beside him and ask if something was wrong, because he was perfectly fine, and he would tell the older man so with a bright smile.
But having no name for it didn't mean it didn't exist...this feeling of being on the outside, looking in.
Maybe it was his fault? Had he done something to them that made them come to him when they wanted something, but then ignore every single word that wasn't related to them once their need for company was sated?
Laying in his bed at night, alone as usual (and he had done that to himself too, hadn't he?), JungMin stared up at the ceiling and tried to feel the presence of the other men in the flat. He knew YoungSaeng and HyungJoon were just across the hall, HyunJoong and KyuJong on the other side of the wall, but their presence was gone. They weren't there with him, physically or in spirit. The back of his eyes burned, but he refused to let the tears out, because Park JungMin didn't cry.
And why would he cry? He was just fine.
He didn't know why this feeling plagued him. It would go away, as it always did. It came and went and soon, maybe tomorrow, he'd feel his heart swell with affection for his family and feel part of it again.
Until then, he continued to smile as brightly as ever, being the sunshine he was told he personified.
And if the smile was a little bit fake...it wasn't as if any of them would notice.
Length: One-Shot
Fandom: SS501
Pairing: None, JungMin-centric
Genre: Angst
Summary: Maybe he wasn't as happy as he seemed...
It was all a matter of perspective.
JungMin was known for being the eternally spastic and sunny member of SS501, the one that was always happy, the one that always had something positive to say about the situation. Nothing seemed to get him down, and while the other members more often than not seemed to want nothing more than to shove him in a closet and leave him there, he knew they appreciated his optimism when they were having a bad day.
But things weren't always that way. He wasn't always needed to be the distraction from their pain...and it was then when he felt it the hardest.
The feeling of being part of something, of being part of a family, of being needed...
Where was it?
When YoungSaeng and KyuJong wandered off to play at the piano, when HyungJoon and HyunJoong went into the kitchen to argue about what to have for dinner, JungMin would blink and close his mouth, the sentence that had only been half formed hanging in the air around him, unheard. The half that never made it past his lips sank into his chest, dead weight.
They wondered where his need to be see and heard came from. The need to...be noticed, no matter the situation.
But they never asked.
It was to ward off this feeling, this...idea that he hated so much, that he wasn't as important as he liked to think he was. That he wasn't as needed.
That he wasn't as wanted.
Sometimes the words would form on his lips, the question that maybe they didn't want him there. He never voiced it, because he already knew what the response would be.
For gods sake, get off your high horse, do you need to have the spotlight on you ALL the time?
And he didn't, not really. He was perfectly content to stop talking once in a while and let the other members shine, because they deserved it too. He wasn't jealous when YoungSaeng went to KyuJong instead of him, he wasn't upset when HyunJoong wrestled with Baby instead of him.
Only when they thoroughly ignored him in the process.
But this he never voiced, because they didn't ignore him all the time. He was practically impossible to ignore for so long. Even so, he couldn't help the feeling that they only saw him when they needed something...when they needed compliments and teasing words, because JungMin was nothing if he wasn't a good distraction. He was a nuisance the rest of the time.
A question hung in the air, JungMin waiting for its answer, only to feel a sharp pain in his chest when the subject was changed suddenly, no one seeming to have heard him even though he had been loud enough.
He knew they didn't do it on purpose. But he also knew they didn't see what they did sometimes either.
Most of the time, he was fine. He was wanted, he was needed, he belonged in this group that he had come to love as his own family. He would do anything for them, and he knew they would do anything for him.
But then sometimes, every once in a while, there was something wrong. A lack of conversation, forced conversation, ignored questions and words and feelings as they continued on with their lives and he was left behind, watching their backs as they walked away.
There was no clear name for this weight in his chest, no reason for it. YoungSaeng couldn't sit beside him and ask if something was wrong, because he was perfectly fine, and he would tell the older man so with a bright smile.
But having no name for it didn't mean it didn't exist...this feeling of being on the outside, looking in.
Maybe it was his fault? Had he done something to them that made them come to him when they wanted something, but then ignore every single word that wasn't related to them once their need for company was sated?
Laying in his bed at night, alone as usual (and he had done that to himself too, hadn't he?), JungMin stared up at the ceiling and tried to feel the presence of the other men in the flat. He knew YoungSaeng and HyungJoon were just across the hall, HyunJoong and KyuJong on the other side of the wall, but their presence was gone. They weren't there with him, physically or in spirit. The back of his eyes burned, but he refused to let the tears out, because Park JungMin didn't cry.
And why would he cry? He was just fine.
He didn't know why this feeling plagued him. It would go away, as it always did. It came and went and soon, maybe tomorrow, he'd feel his heart swell with affection for his family and feel part of it again.
Until then, he continued to smile as brightly as ever, being the sunshine he was told he personified.
And if the smile was a little bit fake...it wasn't as if any of them would notice.