WARNING: this just goes on and on
Some stories you can tell, some stories you just spend the rest of your life trying to forget…*
(*Unrelated to the rest of this entry, but pertinent to much of my life.)
I don’t quite know where to begin. It took a while to settle back in after a world wind Christmas break but it was something that I was quite looking forward to. The drama of home life, exciting as it is, is just too much for me. And there was drama. Copious amounts of alcohol, many exes, weather and the ever-present skepticism regarding my decision to ever leave Portland were the perfect recipe for a few very dramatic interludes. Step 1. Mix a liberal amount of alcohol with an ex you apparently still have issues with. Shake well. Step 2. Sprinkle snow and ice until you find yourself stranded at his parents house who you love but are bit overwhelming and can’t help asking questions like, so (when) are you two thinking about getting back together.
But enough about Christmas break already, life has been a rollercoaster here at home too. Not a bad ride all around but there have a few a low points. Like today for example, I have the flu. I spent the entire day retching my guts out and laying around mostly staring at the wall. I was too nauseous to sleep or read and even music made me cringe. No sitting very, very still in the quiet dark was about as much I could handle until about 5pm at which point I finally got some crushed ice and frozen fruit to stay in my tummy for longer than ten seconds. Before today, which effectively set me back a whole week as far as my work goes, I was making some good progress. I am taking a seminar with my advisor this term which will, I think, help us learn how to communicate more effectively. The topic is behavioral responses to human induced rapid environmental change. A topic close to my heart. The goal is to pump out several “field defining papers,” a tall order.
When I am not running frantically between my three seminars, two PE classes, never ending lab meeting, other appointments, I am working to find time to start my actual dissertation research. A novel idea, I know. That things are finally coming together in this respect has me very excited and aside form the flu and insomnia, which result in the occasional crash, I have been quite productive and happy. I have a helper monkey (assistant) to boot this quarter. (I avoid calling her this to her face though I fear that I am going to slip one day.) This, while it sounds nice in the abstract, actually turns out to be quite a bit of work for me. But good practice in the long run I guess if I follow the sacred path (i.e. herd) and go on to teach and do research in the university level. Can you tell I am trying to talk myself into believing that? Anyway, it does keep me on my toes. One has to be much more organized to keep track of two people, especially when one of them is not exactly familiar with my ‘process.’
Then there is the boy who really isn’t taking no for an answer. Admittedly, I keep contradicting my words with my actions. Re-establishing those friend boundaries has not been easy. Gozer24 says that I am being cryptic and mysterious regarding this situation so let me see if I can fill the wholes a bit. Here’s how it all went down:
We met at the start of the school year last year. He had opted to sit in on the all consuming core curriculum for my graduate program, either because is a masochist or a first-rate over achiever. Not knowing which was enough to peak my interest right of the bat. That I felt some sort of compassion toward him, being actually as much of an outsider as I felt like. That may sound weird, but by program really has that “us against them, we are the best of the best” attitude. Anyway, as a geneticist, he brought a unique perspective to the ecology and evolution we were learning about, but I think was sometimes bored and sometimes just confused. Between that, being at least ten minutes late every day for an entire year and having a tendency to fall asleep in the corner during lecture, I decided that this was just someone that I had to get to know. For me this meant dropping the occasional smile direction and waiting for him to take the initiative. Which, he did. We started hanging out a bit here and there and I found him very easy to talk to unlike the rest of the stressed out, insecure and in a few cases, just down right sheltered and uptight people that I was meeting. Much like home. My social life, excluding him, was devoid of sarcasm, getting into trouble, or at the very least swapping stories about how we used to. One thing was clear, the boy can talk, rather incessantly. And without any encouragement what-so-ever. Occasionally I found this tiresome, but mostly it was nice to just sit back and listen to his stories.
Pretty early on, it became clear to me though that he was attracted to me. This made me somewhat uncomfortable because I was way not in the market for a relationship but more than that, was missing having a few (at least one) unquestionably platonic boy friend to take solace and find comfort in as well as just be silly and spontaneous with. I thought perhaps that it was all in my head but then one night I took him to a party where I ended up making out with someone at which point he became visibly upset and made a quick exit. I did the mature thing and pulled away for a while J
We kept in good touch while I was in Costa Rica for the summer which I enjoyed very much but couldn’t help thinking seemed like a much for friends. Then when my friends flaked on me for Burning Man this summer, I invited him to use one of their tickets. Actually, technically he invited himself and agreed though once again a little voice in my head said that I was sending all the wrong messages. Anyway he came and it was a blast, mostly. He was quieter that I had ever seen him before which put me a little on edge. I kept waiting for him to initiate some sort of talk or confess his love. I do not mean to sound egotistical, that is just what it seemed like he was working up to.
In the end I was not so far off the mark. One night someone he had been speaking to a fellow Burner in French, who then told me that he had just confessed that he thought he might love me and wanted to be my lover. I am sure the fellow was exaggerating but I could tell by the look on Adams face that there was some truth to it. After that he got really quite and laid low for a while when we got home.
To make a long story shorter, after going out of my way to male my lack of interest clear, we were just beginning to hang out with some regularity and comfort again when, one night, while drinking wine and bullshitting about who knows what, I was over come with the most ridiculous urge to do something flirtatious. I can’t explain it. I realized at one point that I was not even listening to the poor boy because I was to busy have the following conversation in my own head,
What are you thinking? No good will come from this.
Just ask him what his type is, that’s a fair question. Hardly flirtatious.
In any other context maybe, but given the situation, come on!
Where the hell did this come form?
Am I just curious if he is still interested?
Am I interested and just don’t know it?
No, just keep your mouth shut, and make life easy for yourself.
But, alas I did not heed my own advice and surely enough, before I knew it something along the lines of, “so what is your type anyway” was coming out of my mouth and predictably, which is not to say that this is what I was angling for, though I must have known, we were making out and then we were fucking like bunnies. Drunk bunnies.
Normally I would have panicked but I had an easy out. I was leaving for Christmas break in two days and sort of hoping that the whole thing would just go away. Instead we talking every day over break, even while he was home visiting his family, and I realized that I really looked forward to our conversation. But then I was safely several hundred miles away. Outside of that, nothing was clear tome. One day, I would be planning to come home early, so that we could spend New Years together, the next day, I would spend the whole rehearsing my let’s just be friends speech.
And that is pretty much where things still stand. I did give him the speech, but it has really not changed a thing. I can’t decide whether I am just too scared to enter into relationship with someone with whom I know it potentially be a serious one, or if I am really only attracted to him as a friend. I think both. But in the mean time I have gotten used to having a companion and don’t really want to give it up to rashly if this is just about me be scared to get hurt again. Blah, blah, blah, I am tired of thinking about it.
In other news, I am still carless and it is beginning to get to me. Keep having great excuses to get out of town now that I am lacking the means. Going to a conference at the beginning of next month in southern CA and am looking forward to some sun and beach time. I am hopelessly pale for a half-breed. I fly into LA and am then renting a car and driving to Ventura. I can’t think of anyplace I would rather avoid driving but I have little choice. If it is not too horrific, I think I will check out that Museum stripedscrew mentioned. I get to use the UCD corporate discount on the car rental which feels awkward to me. So professional. It is hard to feel grown up per se when school is still the driving force on your life. As such, the occasional typically adult things that I do have an air of playing dress up in my mom’s high-heels. Oh, speaking of which, I should probably, invest in some nicer clothes. I have many, but I don’t fucking fit into half of my pants anymore. Anyway, speaking of the sun and beach, if I make it back in one piece I will hopefully be following that trip up with an early spring break in MEXICO. Hmm, barely recovered from Christmas break and already planning spring break, I swear, I do find time to work in there somewhere.
There’s more, but alas, I have rambled on and on about nothing that exciting really and it is officially past this sick girls bedtime. Regardless of how I feel tomorrow, I have 200 snail cages to build and more reading than I care to shake a stick at. But next up on the discussion table, my (drum roll) mother (cough). I think she may be turning a corner, which is a huge weight off my back. Yey mom.
(*Unrelated to the rest of this entry, but pertinent to much of my life.)
I don’t quite know where to begin. It took a while to settle back in after a world wind Christmas break but it was something that I was quite looking forward to. The drama of home life, exciting as it is, is just too much for me. And there was drama. Copious amounts of alcohol, many exes, weather and the ever-present skepticism regarding my decision to ever leave Portland were the perfect recipe for a few very dramatic interludes. Step 1. Mix a liberal amount of alcohol with an ex you apparently still have issues with. Shake well. Step 2. Sprinkle snow and ice until you find yourself stranded at his parents house who you love but are bit overwhelming and can’t help asking questions like, so (when) are you two thinking about getting back together.
But enough about Christmas break already, life has been a rollercoaster here at home too. Not a bad ride all around but there have a few a low points. Like today for example, I have the flu. I spent the entire day retching my guts out and laying around mostly staring at the wall. I was too nauseous to sleep or read and even music made me cringe. No sitting very, very still in the quiet dark was about as much I could handle until about 5pm at which point I finally got some crushed ice and frozen fruit to stay in my tummy for longer than ten seconds. Before today, which effectively set me back a whole week as far as my work goes, I was making some good progress. I am taking a seminar with my advisor this term which will, I think, help us learn how to communicate more effectively. The topic is behavioral responses to human induced rapid environmental change. A topic close to my heart. The goal is to pump out several “field defining papers,” a tall order.
When I am not running frantically between my three seminars, two PE classes, never ending lab meeting, other appointments, I am working to find time to start my actual dissertation research. A novel idea, I know. That things are finally coming together in this respect has me very excited and aside form the flu and insomnia, which result in the occasional crash, I have been quite productive and happy. I have a helper monkey (assistant) to boot this quarter. (I avoid calling her this to her face though I fear that I am going to slip one day.) This, while it sounds nice in the abstract, actually turns out to be quite a bit of work for me. But good practice in the long run I guess if I follow the sacred path (i.e. herd) and go on to teach and do research in the university level. Can you tell I am trying to talk myself into believing that? Anyway, it does keep me on my toes. One has to be much more organized to keep track of two people, especially when one of them is not exactly familiar with my ‘process.’
Then there is the boy who really isn’t taking no for an answer. Admittedly, I keep contradicting my words with my actions. Re-establishing those friend boundaries has not been easy. Gozer24 says that I am being cryptic and mysterious regarding this situation so let me see if I can fill the wholes a bit. Here’s how it all went down:
We met at the start of the school year last year. He had opted to sit in on the all consuming core curriculum for my graduate program, either because is a masochist or a first-rate over achiever. Not knowing which was enough to peak my interest right of the bat. That I felt some sort of compassion toward him, being actually as much of an outsider as I felt like. That may sound weird, but by program really has that “us against them, we are the best of the best” attitude. Anyway, as a geneticist, he brought a unique perspective to the ecology and evolution we were learning about, but I think was sometimes bored and sometimes just confused. Between that, being at least ten minutes late every day for an entire year and having a tendency to fall asleep in the corner during lecture, I decided that this was just someone that I had to get to know. For me this meant dropping the occasional smile direction and waiting for him to take the initiative. Which, he did. We started hanging out a bit here and there and I found him very easy to talk to unlike the rest of the stressed out, insecure and in a few cases, just down right sheltered and uptight people that I was meeting. Much like home. My social life, excluding him, was devoid of sarcasm, getting into trouble, or at the very least swapping stories about how we used to. One thing was clear, the boy can talk, rather incessantly. And without any encouragement what-so-ever. Occasionally I found this tiresome, but mostly it was nice to just sit back and listen to his stories.
Pretty early on, it became clear to me though that he was attracted to me. This made me somewhat uncomfortable because I was way not in the market for a relationship but more than that, was missing having a few (at least one) unquestionably platonic boy friend to take solace and find comfort in as well as just be silly and spontaneous with. I thought perhaps that it was all in my head but then one night I took him to a party where I ended up making out with someone at which point he became visibly upset and made a quick exit. I did the mature thing and pulled away for a while J
We kept in good touch while I was in Costa Rica for the summer which I enjoyed very much but couldn’t help thinking seemed like a much for friends. Then when my friends flaked on me for Burning Man this summer, I invited him to use one of their tickets. Actually, technically he invited himself and agreed though once again a little voice in my head said that I was sending all the wrong messages. Anyway he came and it was a blast, mostly. He was quieter that I had ever seen him before which put me a little on edge. I kept waiting for him to initiate some sort of talk or confess his love. I do not mean to sound egotistical, that is just what it seemed like he was working up to.
In the end I was not so far off the mark. One night someone he had been speaking to a fellow Burner in French, who then told me that he had just confessed that he thought he might love me and wanted to be my lover. I am sure the fellow was exaggerating but I could tell by the look on Adams face that there was some truth to it. After that he got really quite and laid low for a while when we got home.
To make a long story shorter, after going out of my way to male my lack of interest clear, we were just beginning to hang out with some regularity and comfort again when, one night, while drinking wine and bullshitting about who knows what, I was over come with the most ridiculous urge to do something flirtatious. I can’t explain it. I realized at one point that I was not even listening to the poor boy because I was to busy have the following conversation in my own head,
What are you thinking? No good will come from this.
Just ask him what his type is, that’s a fair question. Hardly flirtatious.
In any other context maybe, but given the situation, come on!
Where the hell did this come form?
Am I just curious if he is still interested?
Am I interested and just don’t know it?
No, just keep your mouth shut, and make life easy for yourself.
But, alas I did not heed my own advice and surely enough, before I knew it something along the lines of, “so what is your type anyway” was coming out of my mouth and predictably, which is not to say that this is what I was angling for, though I must have known, we were making out and then we were fucking like bunnies. Drunk bunnies.
Normally I would have panicked but I had an easy out. I was leaving for Christmas break in two days and sort of hoping that the whole thing would just go away. Instead we talking every day over break, even while he was home visiting his family, and I realized that I really looked forward to our conversation. But then I was safely several hundred miles away. Outside of that, nothing was clear tome. One day, I would be planning to come home early, so that we could spend New Years together, the next day, I would spend the whole rehearsing my let’s just be friends speech.
And that is pretty much where things still stand. I did give him the speech, but it has really not changed a thing. I can’t decide whether I am just too scared to enter into relationship with someone with whom I know it potentially be a serious one, or if I am really only attracted to him as a friend. I think both. But in the mean time I have gotten used to having a companion and don’t really want to give it up to rashly if this is just about me be scared to get hurt again. Blah, blah, blah, I am tired of thinking about it.
In other news, I am still carless and it is beginning to get to me. Keep having great excuses to get out of town now that I am lacking the means. Going to a conference at the beginning of next month in southern CA and am looking forward to some sun and beach time. I am hopelessly pale for a half-breed. I fly into LA and am then renting a car and driving to Ventura. I can’t think of anyplace I would rather avoid driving but I have little choice. If it is not too horrific, I think I will check out that Museum stripedscrew mentioned. I get to use the UCD corporate discount on the car rental which feels awkward to me. So professional. It is hard to feel grown up per se when school is still the driving force on your life. As such, the occasional typically adult things that I do have an air of playing dress up in my mom’s high-heels. Oh, speaking of which, I should probably, invest in some nicer clothes. I have many, but I don’t fucking fit into half of my pants anymore. Anyway, speaking of the sun and beach, if I make it back in one piece I will hopefully be following that trip up with an early spring break in MEXICO. Hmm, barely recovered from Christmas break and already planning spring break, I swear, I do find time to work in there somewhere.
There’s more, but alas, I have rambled on and on about nothing that exciting really and it is officially past this sick girls bedtime. Regardless of how I feel tomorrow, I have 200 snail cages to build and more reading than I care to shake a stick at. But next up on the discussion table, my (drum roll) mother (cough). I think she may be turning a corner, which is a huge weight off my back. Yey mom.